Blew it Big time. . .

Well, yesterday was the bomb.  Really, it was.  I know that lots of you might here that term from the kids and think it's a positive comment.  Like "she's the bomb" - meaning she's awesome! Or "that was the bomb" meaning something was really cool - awesome.

Well my yesterday was the bomb - in a blow up, nuclear explosion sort of way!  Man, how did such a good start to the morning, turn so wrong.  I was very motivated yesterday.  I got started early, had my supper started before lunch and finished and ready in the crock pot before my piano students came and I was cruising!  In fact, I was pretty proud of the soup I'd made for supper.  Tuesdays are my busy piano day with students starting first thing in the morning, then at lunch, then through the afternoon and 4 after school.  My daughter has swimming at 6:15, so supper needs to be ready for the other three before I teach so that they can eat at 5:15 and head to the pool.

And indeed it was.  Not only supper ready, but quite truthfully, one of THE BEST soups I have ever made.  It was DELICIOUS.  Okay, maybe I'll share it with you later - or maybe I'll make you wait until tomorrow.  But I have to say, it was the best soup I have ever made!  EVER.  :-)  So I was pretty pleased with myself that I had done so well! (YES - I  already see why the explosion first ignited. . . . )  So, as my 5:00 student arrived, I noticed my husband was not yet home.  Oh well, I'm sure he'd be there for 5:15.  Well, at 5:30 I noticed my son was still not inside, my daughter had helped herself to a bowl of soup, because husband did not appear to be home yet either.  Well, by 5:55, he apparently showed up, got my daughter and headed out for swimming.

By the time my final student left, my insides were seething about as hot as what the soup was in the crock pot.  How dare they all be so ungrateful for the time I had spent on this soup.  None of them deserved this oh so delicious meal that I had prepared out of the goodness of my soul!  JUST FOR THEM. . . . . . Don't they know I work just as hard as the rest of them AND I made this soup!!!! (Can you see how poorly this was going??!?!?!)  Oh let me tell you, the fury was boiling!

Oh my poor son.  I hollered at him to get inside (RIGHT NOW!) and unleashed the fury that was inside.  Poor kid didn't know what hit him - I will be honest.  Why was he still outside?  Why was he in the back yard when he was supposed to be in the front?  Why had he not had supper?  Why was home reading not done?  WHY WHY WHY??????? And hurry up and eat the best soup I have ever made -  and you'd better LOVE IT!!!! . . . . . Poor husband came home and got the same treatment. (Well actually worse - I took the leftover soup and froze it!!!!!)

Suddenly, my bowl of best ever made soup, wasn't tasting so wonderful right now.  I went to my office (which ironically also serves as the prayer room) to cool down.  HOW DARE THEY not appreciate me and my wonderful soup???? As I let the steam cool down just a little, my eyes were directed to the words above my bulletin board. . . . Oh WHY does God have this amazing ability to not say anything verbally, but speak volumes?  As I looked up, I stared at the words that were written on the wall.  "be still and know that I am God".  AND not to be outdone, were more words I'd put up on the wall "Listen with compassion - Speak with grace".  WOW!  Talk about a slap in the face.  How is it that I know these words, I look at these words most every day, and yet, I can't live up to them?  How is it that in just a slip of the tongue, in the twist of my thoughts, I inflicted a world more of pain on the ones I love the most, than any of the "poor me thoughts" ever even felt.  Sure I was hurt, but nothing like the pain I had spewed forth.

Sadly, this is not the only time it's happened.  Sadly I have hurled words like they were poison. Sadly, these are episodes that fall off my tongue before I even have a moment to stop it.

Thankfully God has given me a husband and children who are filled with forgiveness.  Thankfully God has offered His forgiveness to me, and in turn I ask for it from my family.  But each time, I struggle with it.  How can someone who is supposed to be controlled by God, lose control in the blink of an eye?  How is it that I can be so sure I've put Christ as number one in my life, and yet, take it back in an instant and make myself number one.  How is it that without so much as a thought, I can hurt the people I love the most.  Not to mention how I mess up with God Himself?  How is it that my sinful nature seems to take over so much easier than my Godly nature?

I can say, that after episodes like yesterday, I struggle with feeling like a good Mom.  Like a good wife.  Like a good Christian.  I hang my head in shame.  I go to work in the mornings and think - why am I here?  Don't they know what an awful person she is?  I struggle.  I struggle with how God sees me.  I don't believe for a moment, He could love me.  And yet He does.  I don't believe for a moment, He could forgive me.  And yet He has!  Why?  Because of His love for me.

And what about today?  Well, today, I pull the covers off and say (yet again) "Okay Lord, today is yours!  Please help to take the ME out of my day."  I go into the day and try to start it new.  Try to start it fresh.  God has forgiven me.  Thankfully my family has forgiven me.  Thankfully I am blessed with forgiveness.  All around.  And so plug on.  I put one foot in front of the other and with each step caution my thoughts.  With each step, think about honoring God.  And with each step, I think about a God who sent His Son to die for my sins.  All of them.  Even the down right ugly ones that hurt the very ones I love.  Even the ones that will yet be made - because they are there.  And I trust that God knows my heart.  He knows my desires and I know His forgiveness is never ending. . . I beg Him to help me show that same love.  That same forgiveness.  That same blessing to those I come in contact with.  That when the times come where I am the one needing to offer the forgiveness, I will be ready with the same forgiveness that He (and my family) have blessed me with.  Truly truly I am a blessed girl - blow ups and all. . . .

Titus 3:4-6
4 But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, 5 he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, 6 whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior

Growing Pains. . .

Week 3 for my seedlings

About 3 weeks ago, I eagerly started several petunia seeds.  I wouldn't say I'm an experienced gardener, more like a trial and error gardener.  Sometimes things work and thrive in my garden, other times my attempts feel futile.  So 3 weeks ago, I decided I would try my hand (AGAIN!) at starting my plants from seeds.  A few  years back, I had purchased a grow light and was sure that was my answer to all of the problems I'd had starting seeds in the past.

Well, the first year, it was "okay".  Most of my seeds germinated, but I'd realized that I had started them WAY to late.  When they say start seeds 8-10 before last frost, that doesn't work for Manitoba!!!  First of all it needs to be more like 12-14 weeks because those poor little guys just couldn't survive out in our "frost free" zone.  Sure we weren't having frost at the end of May, but my seedlings weren't very happy with temperatures hovering around 5C!!!  So for June, and most of July, my "beautiful" petunias had absolutely no blooms.  My ideas of saving money and starting my own seeds had successfully been squashed because I "HAD" to go out and buy plants that actually had blooms on them so my yard did have some color.

HOWEVER, my seedlings continued to grow and get stronger, and as my greenhouse purchased plants started to look spent and scraggly, here were my own petunias that I had started from seed just bursting forth with vibrant color and lots of blooms.  The pots from the greenhouse that had bloomed so beautifully in July were now sad and not very attractive.  But the pots that I had started "too late" and were slow in blooming were now loaded with blooms - at a very time when it felt summer was winding down.  Some of my pots I had started were now in their full glory. So while I had thought that year was a failure, it had turned out that it had actually prolonged the beauty of my gardens!!!

The first year I had purchased my seeds from Canadian Tire, but the second year, I decided I was now a pro at starting seeds!  (OOPS!  BIG MISTAKE!)  I'm not sure if it really was about the company, but the next year I decided to purchase my seeds from a reputable mail order seed company.  I thought that SURELY those seeds must be incredible and I couldn't fail.  Well, if I thought my first year was a failure, last year was a complete failure.  I would say maybe only 15% of my seeds germinated, and then the ones that did germinate well, let's just say, if you forget to take them inside when the frost hits, it doesn't make for some very pretty pots!!!

So this year, I have big hopes.  I have gone back to Canadian Tire for my seeds, I've started them 4 weeks (or maybe more) earlier in the hopes of positive results!  And I do have to say, so far so good.   Out of a tray of 36 petunias, one 3 didn't germinate!  I'd say that's a pretty good ratio so far.  My oregano is coming up.  My parsley and chives too!  It's exciting.

HOWEVER, it's not over just yet.  That I think, may have been the easy part.  Now to keep the mold away, to keep those babies watered - just enough and not too much.  To keep the grow light at the proper height.  And oh. . . when do I transplant them?

As I've babied and coddled and cared for my seedlings over the year, this year I was struck by how many times I've tried to get this gardening thing just right.  (I'm hoping it's this year!!!) These are my three attempts with grow lights.  And believe me there have been many more errors when I tried to grow them in a window sill with minimal light.  Talk about some leggy tomato plants!!! But I continued on.  Each time I learned a little more.  I tried some new ideas.  I didn't give up.

Today I was again reminded how my spiritual walk is like that.  Sometime I get it right.  There are moments when it feels like I am growing by leaps and bounds.  Sometimes I find that when I spend chunks of time with God, I have this incredible growth spurt.  There are other times when it feels like no matter what I do I just can't seem to get germinated.  The seed is there.  My Bible is open. . . but NOTHING!!!  Today as I purposed in my mind to spend that chunk of time with God, I read.  I prayed.  I listened.  I waited.  Nothing.  Okay, so not nothing, but no big epiphanies.  Just some little reminders in Titus of how I should act.  Well, I know that already Lord.  I don't want to hear THAT again, I want something GOOD!  Something really meaty.  But as I looked for that "great eye opening moment" I realized that the very things that I was reading about were the very things I was needing to follow through on.  It kind of made me realize that its the watering and the lighting that is the most important for my seedlings.  If I try to give them a huge dose of fertilizer right now, I'll just kill them all off.  I need to do the every day, maybe even mundane things to keep them growing.

And so to it is in my spiritual walk.  I might not be having these major break through moments, but all God is asking of me is to do things for Him.  I'm having my time with Him.  I'm being reminded of things He wants from me - and my job right now is to do those things.  When I was reading in Titus 2 it was talking about the role of the older woman.  (Yes, I do feel that's me these days).  But the one part that struck me was that in all I do, I need to do it well "so that the Christian faith can’t be spoken against by those who know them." There was no major lightening bolt moment this morning as I was reading.  There was no audible voice from God.  There was no "fertilizer boost" from what I was reading.  I just was reminded that I am to be an example for Christ in EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I DO!!!  I'll go about my daily tasks here at home.  I will teach my piano students.  I will care for my kids and husband.  I'll do all those regular "watering and lighting" things.  And hopefully the way I do those things I will bring honor and glory to God. Hopefully my heart will be right and the seedlings that are in my heart will continue to grow and flourish.  Hopefully, in the end, my life will have produced a floral display for God that brings Him glory.  And that will show Christ to those around me.

So you might feel like today is just another uneventful day.  But keep the lighting right.  Keep watering those seeds you have started in your heart.  God will honor your diligence. God will bless you for serving Him even in these times when it feels dry.  God knows your heart and He knows you are seeking Him.  Let Him grow you into something beautiful - even when it feels like nothing is happening.  He is making those roots strong to stand the test of time.  He is growing you into His beautiful creation.

Missed Opportunities

Yesterday, as I sat and munched down on a snack, I scrolled through the channels looking for some paralympic coverage. . . . Alas. . . . couldn't find any.

What I DID find, what the Shopping Channel!!!  Now for any of you who hate to go out, The Shopping Channel could be where you find all your deals. . . .  or spend all your money.  I have to say. . . I don't spend too much money here, but when I have laid down some dollars, it has been worth it!!! NOPE!!!! this is not a Shopping Channel infomercial!

But yesterday. . . I saw the most amazing thing:   THE EUROSTEAM IRON.  A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.!!!  Seriously!!!!!  For those of you who have husbands who have oodles and oodles of dress shirts to be pressed, or if you have mountains of dress clothes that need to be neat and tidy. . . . let me tell you

THIS PUPPY HERE?!?!?!?  IS ALL YOU NEED!!! Okay, so technically I haven't tried it. 

But I HATE IRONING!!!

Oh, did I say that out loud?!?!?  LOL  Seriously, though, the mountains of dress shirts that I have to iron is sometimes overwhelming.

{okay. . . admission time - if I would only iron them as they became available in my laundry pile, it would not be a mountain.  however, i hate ironing. . . so as you can imagine. . . they get left.  and not only are they my husband's clothes, but my daughters, and . . . . get this. . . . my son has now decided he likes the "button up cowboy shirts" WHICH ALSO NEED TO BE IRONED!!!! and oh yes. . . i recall a recent post that I said I prayed for my family as I did laundry. . . . Oops WHEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER's FULL BUT THE HEART IT EMPTY}  

OK, sorry for that outburst!!!

Anyway, this iron seemed like the answer to all my problems AND. . . . . there were SIX EASY PAYS!!!!! Okay, so after my initial freak out - truly this was amazing!!!! I decided that I needed to do the right thing, and wait. . . . wait. . . breathe. . . until Keith got home. . . . 

ALAS. . . . . . . ............................. by the time Keith got home: I FORGOT ABOUT MY IRON!!!!

So today. . . i checked, and of course, it was no longer on sale.  If I wanted it, I had to pay full price. . . . I had to pay shipping. . . . and it . . . . was. . . .. just . . . . too much money.

I MISSED IT!!!  I MISSED THE OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFE TIME!!!! Ok, okay, not so much, but I missed out on a $75.00 savings!!!   I MISSED THAT PERFECT OPPORTUNITY!!!

Alright. . . so truth is. . . it was probably the right decision.  It likely was a "too good to be true" deal {and yet, the things i have purchased through the shopping channel. . . . . . . . . }

So, i know. . . not a major missed opportunity right?  I AGREE!!!  (and okay, truthfully it wasn't quite that dramatic but when I found out the deal didn't continue on through the weekend it WAS disappointing - because I REALLY DO HATE IRONING!!!!!!!!!) And truthfully, there are no repercussions because I didn't buy that steam iron.   

HOWEVER. . . . how many other opportunities have I let slip by that I didn't take notice of.  How many times did I talk about me, instead of listening to someone else?  (I will be honest when you go through stuff, you need to talk. . . but what I forgot, was I also needed to LISTEN!)  How many times did I see someone in need, but kept walking by.

A few weeks ago, at the Preschool where I teach, we talked about the story of the good Samaritan. (Luke 10:30-37) I went home and asked my kids this question:  If you saw someone on the floor of your school that was hurt, what would you do?  They both admitted, unless it was someone they knew, they likely would have walked around, looked, but not done a thing. Both said they would tell their teachers that someone was "down"  (WHEW!!!) but that was about it. When asked why, both of them admitted a couple of things:  1.  they didn't know who the kids was  2. they weren't sure if the kid would want their help, so they would walk away.  3.  They didn't want to get in trouble if someone saw them talking to the kid on the floor; 4. they didn't want to get in trouble for being "late".

Upon hearing these things, I wondered about my response.  I wondered what I would do if I came upon someone in need.  I'm not sure my responses would be any different.  Yes, the situation would be different, but in comparison, my reaction would truthfully be the same.  

As I have sat and contemplated that conversation, along with my ever prompting thoughts about my 2014 goal of BE MORE, I can't help but wonder what REALLY am I doing to be more???  Am I conscious about those around me that need more?  That need a helping hand.  That need prayer.  That need my minutes.  That need my time.  That need my thoughts. . . .

I started to think about how (oh sad soul. . . ) self absorbed I am, and it is humiliating.  For all I WANT to be, what I am is woefully inadequate.  I have missed so many opportunities.  To BE MORE.  To help more.  To listen more.  To sit more. To care more.  To pray more. . . . TO BE MORE.

Oh, the missed opportunities.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not begging for ANYONE to say - Oh but you did this for me.  NO NO NO.  I have done good things.  I AM trying.  But oh how I have failed in so many ways.  

Right now. . . in my "joy journal" (#437- PAUSE!!!) I am taking a time out to list how, for this week, I am going to use what might have been the "missed opportunities.  I'm going to look for the OPPORTUNITIES that I can BE MORE.  I am going to try to not walk away.  I am going to try to go beyond my day to day routine and BE MORE!

Will you join me?  Will you look beyond your day, and find something - someone - somehow - that you can be more?  I'd love to hear your journey.

I'll share my more - will you share your more????  Oh how I would love to hear how God is using YOU to be more!!!!!

I WISH. . . .

 My daughter has a friend over today.  Kind of a last minute thing. . . . But alas, the 4 buddies that my son called up, none could come over.

I wish. . . . that was Peyton's song when he heard sister was having a friend over.  I wish. . . . It's not that I'm ungrateful, but I wish. . . .

Heard those words before?  SAID those words before?!?!?!

What are your wishes?  I wish. . . . for more time.  I wish . . . . I was thinner.   I wish. . . I was a better person.  I wish. . . . I could go on a vacation south (because ALL - yes ALL!! our other friends are going!!!!)  I wish . . . we made more money.  I wish. . . . I could be more like . . her. . . .  I wish. . . . . I wish. . . If only. . . . . . . . oh how I wish. . . . .

What's your wish?  What do you desire?  Okay truthfully, what are you un-thankful for?  As I listened to Peyton sigh, and groan, and lament about just how awful it was to NOT have any friend that liked him enough to pick up the phone (and why does TAYLOR get to have a friend over?!?!?!?!!!!!) I got to thinking about what the real root of the problem was.

And believe me!  It's not just Peyton - I truly believe he has inherited that awful trait from his mother!  *SIGH*  Because believe me, I can sigh with discontent as well as anyone you've ever heard sigh!  And believe me, when I sigh, you KNOW i'm not content. . . . .   I WISH. . . . my record is stuck on SKIP :  I wish i wish i wish i wish. . . . . ETC!!!!

So how do we get over those wishes. . . . those things we wish we could have- but don't.  How do we stop looking to what we don't have?

THANKFULNESS!  That's the key.  If we stopped to look at what we DO have, we would be so much more joyful.  Please don't take this the wrong way.  I GET that sometimes life has thrown us an awful - and mean DOWN RIGHT AWFUL - curve ball.  BUT, are there no good things that we can focus on?  I'm not saying that we have to be jumping up and down with joy because our hearts are breaking, but in even just a brief moment. . . can we find the joy?  Can we find the things that God has given to us?  Because as dark as it might seem. . . . they are there.  THEY ARE THERE!!!!

When sitting down in those quiet times and our hearts go to the things we don't have, can we make a quick adjustment and try to focus on the good things?  The things God HAS given us?  In Philippians 4, Paul talks about being content in whatever situation is presented to him.  WOW!!!  That is so not me - I am so thankful my name isn't Paul (sorry to all you Paul's!!!).  But hold up!!!!!!  Paul or not, God has told me to be thankful.  Not because things are good, but because He has given us so many good things.  He has blessed us with so many things!!!  They might be a little fuzzy at times, but if you are willing to look, you'll find them.

This week, let's try to take our "I WISH" and turn it into "I HAVE. . . "  Instead of thinking about all those things you wish for, think about all the things you have.

I know I don't have to think too much and I could give you a list a mile long.  And I'm going to start listing them in my joy journal right now!!!

Have a THANKFUL weekend my friends.  Let's be thankful for all those things we wished for - and God gave us.  Sometimes even before we wished them!!!!  (and hey. . . truthfully???? Let's me thankful God hasn't given us all we wished for because He knows what's best for us. . . and all we wish for is not always the best for us!!!)

OH GIVE THANKS TO THE LORD, FOR HE IS GOOD!!!!

Where's your NORTH STAR leading you?

Photo Credits to:  http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Bennett000

If there is one thing that I love when I go to our cottage, it is sitting outside on our deck, on a crisp winter evening and looking up at the night sky.  We don't have power at our cottage, so once everyone else has turned off their propane lights for the night, and if there isn't a moon in the sky, it is the most amazing feeling to look up into the night sky and see all the millions of stars.  Another favorite time is lying on the docks at night in the summer.  Same overwhelming feeling.  I know very little about the constellations, but my man at least knows more than I do.  At least some of the major ones.  Very often he will try to point out the big dipper, the small dipper, and any others that he knows.  The north star is always one that he is able to pick out.  But for the life of me, I could never tell you which one it could be.

Years ago, and perhaps, by some still today, the north star was used to figure out directions.  If you were lost on the seas, at night, you could always tell which direction you needed to go, by finding the north star and heading into it's general direction.  But doing so, would require you to know at lease SOMETHING about the constellations.  For me, I'd be better off just to stay put rather than following "my north star" because chances certainly would be that I ended more lost than what I'd start out as.  However, if you did know exactly where to find that north star, you could always use it to navigate your way home.

As I've looked at the starts in the past, I have seen the big and small dipper, I have seen the north star (because my man pointed it out to me) but just because I've had them pointed out to me, does not guarantee me success in using it to navigate me anywhere!!!  I would have to do some serious looking and understanding to figure out which star exactly was the North Star.  If I chose the wrong one, I would be in a mess of trouble.  And if I accidentally started following a shining satellite, well, I'd definitely be off course!!!

Isn't that the way with our life too?  What/Who is the north star that we are following to direct our life course?  What are the thing(s) in our lives that we are focusing on that we strive towards?  What do we know about the North Star (God)?  Are we listening to what others are telling us about the North Star, or are we researching it ourselves and finding out exactly how to find it and follow it?  Have we decided that we can take our eyes off the Star and go it on our own for awhile? I know I can see God/North Star, but what happens when I do start following Him?  Do I look down at the area around me, and loose my focus?  Do I look down, see a path and decide that I can follow that path on my own, rather than follow God, my North Star?  Do I look down and see all the "brush" of life around me and panic because I've taken my eyes off of Him?

It sounds awful, but it is so easy to loose my focus on God!  So often, I look down at the "brush" below and think "this is too much. . . this is too awful."  But I've taken my eyes off of Him.  I'm not looking in the direction that I should be.  I'm looking down, when I should be looking UP!  My focus needs to stay on God, my spiritual North Star, because without HIS guidance, I'm lost.  Without His light there for me to follow, I'm just going to go in circles!  AND, if I don't really know who He is, I may easily be swayed by other things/teachings, that are not from God.  Any star might look like the north star.  And what if something shines brightly?  Am I lured by it's brightness or am I striving to focus on the north star, and only the north star?  So often I find myself distracted.  By situations.  By stresses.  By people.  By things.  By my desires.  And I loose my focus.  I take my eyes off of God - my north star.  And it either causes me to panic, or just as often, it sends me to directions of uncharted waters.  It sends me to places I don't want to go.  Taking my eyes off of Him sends me in the complete opposite direction from Him.  

I always thought that when horses had blinders on their eyes it was such a cruel thing.  But I have to admit, there are days I wish I had a set.  Those blinders kind of act like a telescope for our spiritual eyes.  If we have blinders on, our eyes stay focused on what it ahead.  On our North Star - God.  If we are looking only through that telescope to where the north star is, our eyes stay focused on it.  It's when we look away, when we take those blinders off, that our focus is taken off of God.  And when our focus is off of God, it cannot be right.  We will loose our way.  We will loose our charted course.  We will never get to the destination we are striving for.

Join me won't you, as we strive to keep our focus on God - our North Star.  May the things of this earth not entice us - rather cause us to look to Him who gives us the direction and guidance we so desperately need!!! Let's keep our eyes focused on the light and direction our North Star - God - gives to us and follow HIS paths, not our own.

Turn my heart toward your statutes
and not toward selfish gain.
Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to your word.

-Psalm 119:36-37

Growing boy, or emerging little man?!?!?

EIGHT and A HALF YEARS AGO!!!!!  WOW!  

In exactly 47 days, my little baby boy is going to be turning TEN YEARS OLD!  I really do not know how this happened so quickly.  One day he was this little, chubby boy, reliant on me, and suddenly he is this boy, uncomfortable in his own skin, trying to figure out who he is.

I can say this, that these days of change have been trying.  I knew that girls were hormonal and I was prepared for that in my daughter as she grew older, but I never imagined that these changes that come with boys growing up could be just as crazy.  I have to say, this stage in my son's life has COMPLETELY taken me by surprise.

On some days, I'm not even sure who I have in my home!  Before this past year, my son was a calm, rational, sensitive boy who really didn't challenge too much.  Sure when he was about 5 or 6 he did some exploring as to how and why things happened, but it was never a defiant attitude.  He was always respectful of others, understanding of his sister, and of his friends, and I never worried about any of the decisions he would make.

These days, I'm getting phone calls from the school about behavioural issues.  Not huge, but just out character for him.  I'm having a tug of war with boundaries for him.  We're having the battles of the wills.  We are trying to convince him, that while he think he does, HE DOES NOT know everything.  He is not without fault and failure, and he DOES NOT always make the best decisions.

This once gentle, calm snugglie boy has turned into a stubborn, selfish, anger filled boy. At times, I still do catch glimpses of my little boy, but at times, I look into his eyes and wonder about this transformation I am seeing happen before my eyes.  It's scary!  It's heart wrenching!  It causes me to panic and freak out!  WHAT DO I DO????

As I sit and read about how to deal with a changing 10 year old, I've been reading about the world's view of men.  We don't watch a lot of sitcom type TV shows, but when we have in the past, I have always struggled with the "humor" when it came to the dad.  It seemed the dad was always made out to be dumb. Not understanding his children.  Making blatant errors when it came to anything family.  The Cosby Show, Home Improvement - shows that should be a "fun" family show - but always ended up putting down the dad.  What does that tell our boys?  What does that do for my perspective on my husband. . . on my son. . . How do I treat them after watching many shows like that?  How does my daughter perceive men when that is the image that is being portrayed to her.  Even a simple show like The Flintstones. . . What is that telling our society about men?  What kind of a role model are we giving to our children?

However, bigger than that, I started to think about how I was treating my son.  How does God treat me when I fail?  What does God see when He looks at me?  Failure after failure.  Does He shake His head in disbelief that I just can't get it right?  Or does He take a look inside at my heart?  Does He say, "you're useless!  Why did I die for you?  It wasn't worth it!"  (NO!!)  Or does He look at me, and say "I love her so much that I died for her.  I wiped away all her sins.  And now. . . look at her heart look at what she is doing for me."  He doesn't focus on my sins because He's forgiven them.  Keith & I are being the "examples" to our son of what a parent is.  (Oh Lord, please help us because Oh how we have failed!!!)  True, our son frustrates us.  True, he sins over and over.  But have I stopped to look at his heart?  Have I stopped to think about how he was looking at the situation?  Have I stopped to understand what a difficult time of life he is in?  Have I stopped to lay the ground rules down?  When a situation arises, do I respond in love, or frustration and anger, and if it's the later, how am I showing Christ's love to him?  Have I stopped to think that God has entrusted this precious child to me, and I am responsible for raising him to be a Godly leader in his life?  YIKES!!!  His attitude may scare me, but that thought scares me more!!!!  What am I doing?  How am I reacting??? What am I showing my son, this precious child that God has entrusted to me, what am I showing Him of who God is?  How is God shining through me in my reactions to him? Am I training him up to be a man of God?  Am I training him up to be a man that will potentially someday lead a family of his own? Am I teaching my son about God's forgiveness?  Am I teaching him about how God died for his sins and loves him so much? WHAT AM I TEACHING MY SON - every day. . . every reaction that I have. . . .

Does he see Christ through me?

Puts a different perspective on things. . . . Instead of focusing on all he's not doing right, how about focusing on what I'm doing/not doing to teach him about Jesus' love.

oh how I have failed.  Yes, it is my duty to train him up right.  But it is also my duty to give him an accurate glimpse of who God is.  God is standing in front on me/him saying: "I already died for you. I forgave those sins a long time ago. . . Now. . . .  Let me see your heart!"

Oh God, how I love my boy!!!!!  And I know you love him too, so God, help me to be the best mom possible to my son.  Help me to show him how to grow up to be a strong Godly leader.  Help me to teach/show him what it means to be a follower of you.  God. . . . PLEASE GIVE ME WISDOM!!!!!

When the impossible is possible

This morning, I've been doing some looking back.  A good looking back.  I guess this time of year brings that out in me.  I've been thinking about where I was a year ago, and where God has brought me to this year. I've been remembering those dark dark days that I thought would never go away.  Those days that anxiety and panic consumed me.  The days that fear clawed it's way into the very core of my being and consumed me for days on end.  It was a time that I never thought I could be released of.  Moments, when the very simplest of tasks looked like a mountain completely impossible to scale.  I remember the days when just getting up and being able to make my children's lunch for the school day was a feat in and of itself.  If there was a day that was spent without fear and anxiety, without terrors ripping through my body at the thought of leaving the house, it was a good day.  A good day meant actually getting clothes on, and forcing myself through the door.   A great day was being able to sit on the parking lot of Superstore and "talk myself" into actually going inside and getting the groceries.  (Many times were spent turning the truck around, clothed in fear and panic - unable to do that simple task.)

Today, I sit here, not without struggles, but with a new perspective.  Those days sometimes seem like a lifetime away, and there are still those days that it take everything within me to garner up the strength and go out.  I like my home.  I like the safety, the security of my home.  That in and of itself, doesn't make me a candidate for anxiety and panic.  It does however, lend itself to being a stepping stone towards it.  Last year was a year of extreme changes in my life - changes that led to more incredible changes.

One of those changes was being able to acknowledge that I needed help.  That our family could not survive how we were trying to survive.  With the panic and anxiety came the depression.  The interpretation that my anxiety and panic attacks were a failure of sorts.  That because of my struggles with it, I was somehow less of a person.  The physical symptoms of feeling the tightness and pressure and heart palpitations in my chest were more than I could take at times.  I felt like I was loosing my grip on reality.

Thankfully, through the help of my doctor, counselor and ultimately God, I have been able to control these episodes.  I look back and am so thankful for the tools that I have learned over the year to come to the point to help me with this.  And like I said, I'm not over it.  But thankfully it is not an all consuming issue that I have to deal with.  Thankfully with my medications and coping mechanisms for the most part I am able to have some control over these episodes.

I truly believe that when I have a panic/anxiety attack it is two fold.  First of all, a chemical imbalance of sorts, but also I do believe that Satan also plays a part in it.  I believe he is trying to get me down and each time he does so, I have to fight those old feelings of inadequacies.  Each time I struggle with the panic, I have to fight his lies.  Because truthfully once I have made it through those panic attacks, the truth is that God has gotten me through yet another one.  Satan DID NOT keep me down.

Last year when I thought it truly was impossible to carry on, God provided me with the truth that it was possible.  And each time when I have another attack now, I try to bring my focus back to God that He is STILL in control.  And that all things are possible with Him.  I would love for God to take away EVERY anxiety attack from here on out.  That would be my version of God's answered prayer.  However, at this point, I also believe that being able to control my attacks and not having them consume me is also a form of God's healing.  When I look back to where I was a year ago as compared to now, WOW - now that's healing!  The tools that God has allowed me to use. . . the imagery that I use to calm myself down. . . the prayers that I pray. . . the verses He brings to my mind. . . I totally believe these are all God's answers to the impossible!!!  And I can say that with any attack that I do still experience, it simply serves as a reminder to how far God has brought me.  God has been so good to me.  He has provided so many things to make me realize that the impossible IS possible.

Finally I just want to share one of these little miracles that showed me again how God is in control.  How God is using a variety of ways to help me cope with my anxiety and panic attacks.  The other day as I sat fixating on leaving the house, fear washed over me.  "I just can't."  "I cannot do this." "It is safer to just stay home."  "I am so not equipped for this!"  All those thoughts jumbled around in my head.  Lies. . . all lies from Satan.  However, at that exact moment, they felt like my reality.  They felt like that was my life.  Like that was truth.  As I sat at my desk and listened to my iPod and begged God to help me, as the tears streamed down my face, and my heart was breaking, this is the answer that God provided to me.  He reminded me that He was there. . . and I can ALWAYS go to Him.

I realize this is a video about Plumb's anxiety disorder, but truly it is a video for all of us - for anyone who believes that the possible is not possible. Do not believe those lies. . .

Because I am here to tell you that:

THE IMPOSSIBLE IS POSSIBLE  

With God's strength all is possible!!!!!

For those of you struggling with anxiety, panic attacks, etc., I just want to share this article with you.  It is about Plumb and her struggle with anxiety - the birth place for this song.  She has an amazing story about how God has been faithful and helps her through each attack.  What a ministry in music and her life story she has!!!

Plumbs story about overcoming anxiety and her ministry through her music

If any of you need someone to talk about your struggles with, please know I'm hear and would love to listen and pray for/with you.  And for those of you who struggle with anxiety/panic attacks, as someone who knows what you are struggling through, know I'd love to help you as we walk this journey together.

Going through the motions. . .

Do you ever feel like you are just going through the motions?

The last few days have been a bit like that for me.  Going through the motions but feeling nothing.  Doing what I KNOW to be right, but feeling like it's pointless.  I'm not talking about my day to day stuff. . . I'm talking about my relationship with God.  Reading because I'm supposed to.  Praying because there's a need.  But just really feeling dry.  Like I'm in a desert.  Or in a pit.  Not a depressed pit, but just a space that feels BLAH!  Like there's nothing.  There's no passion.  There's no desire.  It kind of feels like I'm in a valley, and can't seem to climb my way out.

Yesterday I was home sick, and as I lay on the couch, I had lots of time to think.  Part of me felt that what I was feeling was from being sick, part of me felt that I was feeling blah because I'm really tired of winter, but another part of me thought about how natural feeling blah likely was.  I mean in Psalm 23 David does talk about walking through the valley.  Even David wasn't able to stay on the top of the mountain all the time.  Jesus went to the desert to pray. I'm sure our spiritual leaders go through those times as well that just feel like we're merely existing in our spiritual walk.

So what do we do?  What do I do when I don't "feel" anything?  I think a prime example of what to do would be in our day to day relationships.  With our spouse, or our kids.  Truly, there are some mornings when we all go our way and NO ONE is "feelin' the love".  But by 5:30 every day we are all back home, usually feeling it.  We don't walk away for good.  We come right back home and work through the issues, or very often, by 5:30 we've forgotten why it was that we weren't feeling it in the first place and it's back.  (It's amazing what a day at school does to change my kids' demeanor!!)

So I got to thinking about my spiritual journey as well.  Really, I'd like to just avoid the valleys all together.  By I also know that without those valleys, I'd never be able to appreciate those mountain top experiences either.  I might feel like I'm in the desert right now where it's dry and uncomfortable, but without knowing what the desert is like, I'll never be able to enjoy the lush green meadow times when they come.  I can tell you this, that with the cold that we've been experiencing in Manitoba, I know that summer will be even more appreciated when it finally arrives!!!

So what do I do now when I'm not feeling the connection to God.  When I'm not feeling the joy. . .

Well, first of all, I decided to give thanks.  Regardless of what I am feeling, there are always things for me to give thanks for.  And there are LOTS.  So I write.  I journal my joys.  I keep counting, and praising. . .

And also, I decided to be straight with God. (I mean, who am I kidding. He knows my thoughts anyway, so why am I trying to "hide" what I'm really feeling?!?!?) I know this sounds like I'm a bad Christian, but honestly, I really don't feel like praying. They just feel like words.  Like it's not getting any further than my lips!!! BUT I'm going to do it any way.  I'm going to be honest with God and tell Him exactly what I feel. (1 Peter 5:7 Let him have all your worries and cares, for he is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you.)  I'm going to pray myself back to Him.  Just because I don't "feel" something, doesn't mean it doesn't exist!  So if I back away from my relationship with Him because I don't feel anything, then that is the first step in ensuring that there really WON'T be anything.  If I am not feeling love for my kids, and I walk away from them, then there is no chance of working through those dry feelings and getting that feeling back.  I KNOW I love them, and so stick with it.  I know in the past, I have just let my Bible reading and prayer dwindle, but that is SO not the way to do it.  If I want to have a strong vibrant relationship with God, I'm not going to get it by walking away every time I feel "dry".  I am going to go to Him.  Keep going to Him. I'm going to listen.  And that might even just mean being still and taking some time away with just me, God and silence.  It may not happen right away. . . but it certainly is not going to hurt.  BUT, not going to God WILL hurt my relationship with Him. I truly believe that even through these dry, "unfeeling" times, God can speak to us.  God is right there with us.  He sees.  He knows our heart. And I truly believe that He will honor our efforts to seek Him.  Even when we don't feel it!

I trust that on those days when you don't "feel" it, that you will not walk away.  It's easy to.  I will admit that.  It's easy just to let one day slide because you don't really feel it.  But one day may lead to the next and to the next. . . and then what do you have?  Nothing. . .  I know I'd fight for a relationship with my kids, my husband. . . so why don't I fight for my most important relationship - with my Heavenly Father?

Join me in "keeping on" and let's be amazed at how He is going to speak to us. . . . even in this dry and deserted time.

Tuesday's Choice: Memorizing

Well, I have a confession to make.  Well, not so much a confession as an admission!

This month has been really difficult for me to memorize!  Not sure why - but I can say that what I thought had been memorized seem to fly right out my ears or something!  Really really struggled.  And then when i went to go back to the previous week's portion, it was gone.  Like I'd never even memorized it!

So for myself, I've decided this is going to be a review week.  I'm posting the 3 previous portions in the hope that I can mull over them some more and HOPEFULLY get them to stick a little better than what they have been!  I'm thinking it's Satan who is messing with me, so I'm just going to keep at it until they get stuck!!!


Philippians 4:4-8

4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

 
Philippians 3:10-14

10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,

11 and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.

13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,

14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
 
2 Corinthians 4:13 – 18

13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak,

14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself.

15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Olympics. . . . realigning my priorities!!!!

And now. . . the Olympics are over. . . Canada smiles a collective satisfied sigh. . . Pretty good.  We did pretty good didn't we?  Both our women and men won GOLD in hockey & curling!  What's more Canadian than those two sports????

Funny how we couch potatoes didn't do a thing to get those 25 medals, but somehow we feel like we had something to do with it.  Somehow, we feel like our cheering from our warm comfy homes, changed things just a little.  We didn't fly to Sochi.  We didn't train for 4 years.  We didn't lift a finger.  We didn't have to.  The athletes, coaches, families and others did it all.  But we are quite ready to take just a little bit of pride with us that somehow, we are a part of those medals.

What patriotism we display.  What passion we portray.  What connection we feel sitting in a room with others cheering on our teams.  All for a chance to say "We won".  We made it.  We accomplished our goal of winning a medal.

I will admit this.  I was curious.  I wasn't so much consumed with Canada's medals as I was curious as to how we would stack up against other countries.  I also can admit that playing sports is not my thing.  So the Olympics was more about our ratings against other countries than it was about winning each sport.

As I watched our country's patriotism rise, and as I saw and heard people talk about Sochi, the Olympics, the athletes, it made me wonder how such a (truthfully) trivial thing like sports could bind a country together for 2 1/2 weeks?  How could a mere hockey game cause a country to stand still and hold it's breath?

And then I stood back, took a breath and thought. . .

Why is it, that the the reactions we have knowing that there are millions of people out there who are dying without ever having known Jesus, pales terribly in comparison to our reactions to a gold medal win?  Why is it, that when we think of Heaven and worshiping our Saviour, it doesn't garner the same response as the moment we realized that Canada would win a gold medal hockey game?  Why is it that the priorities in my life are so messed up?  Why is it that we focus so much of our energy on 16 days of Olympic games and yet our focus for eternity is in reality not even there?

What does that say about me?  What does that say about my priorities?  What does that say about where my focus is?  Where is Christ in the midst of all my cheering?  Where is my ache for those that have never heard of Christ?  Do I cheer excitedly when i hear that someone has come to know Jesus?  Am I doubled over in despair when I hear about a person who has passed away without ever having made a commitment to Christ?  Is the first word on my lips each morning "Jesus Christ", the way "Olympics" was these past weeks? How much time did I spend with my Lord and Savior as compared to the amount of time I spent fixating on the games?

I can tell you. . . that I have no answers.  I have no responses.  I know my priorities are askew!  I know that I need to refocus my thoughts.  I need to realign my priorities.  The one who made the universe. . . the one who has saved me from eternal death. . . the one who forgives me each day. . . . Where is He in the priorities of my life. . . .

Really feeling called to realign my priorities!!!!

Psalm 1

1 Blessed is the one
    who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
    or sit in the company of mockers,
2 but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and who meditates on his law day and night.
3 That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
    which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
    whatever they do prospers.

A struggling day. . . . BUT HE HAS TOMORROW!!!!!

Today had many struggles. . . . but also some extreme blessings.  Struggled with where I am at right now, but had some confirmations too that God is in control.

As I sat in my prayer room this evening (Prayer Room Link) I struggled with where I was at.  I know my Saviour has taken my past away, has taken today away (also my past!) And as I listened to the music rotating through on my iPod, I came upon these words that lifted me up beyond what anyone could speak to me.  LIVING - He loved me. . .. . DYING He saved me. . . . BURIED - He carried my sins far away. . . .OH WHAT A GOD WE LOVE!!!!!!

I hope they do the same to you!!!!  Regardless of what happened, God has TODAY.  And He had yesterday, and (here's the kicker. . . .) HE HAS TOMORROW!!!!!!!  What a God we serve. .. . . .

"Glorious Day (Living He Loved Me)"

One day when Heaven was filled with His praises

One day when sin was as black as could be

Jesus came forth to be born of a virgin

Dwelt among men, my example is He

Word became flesh and the light shined among us

His glory revealed

[Chorus:]

Living, He loved me

Dying, He saved me

Buried, He carried my sins far away

Rising, He justified freely forever

One day He's coming

Oh glorious day, oh glorious day

One day they led Him up Calvary's mountain

One day they nailed Him to die on a tree

Suffering anguish, despised and rejected

Bearing our sins, my Redeemer is He

Hands that healed nations, stretched out on a tree

And took the nails for me

[Chorus]

One day the grave could conceal Him no longer

One day the stone rolled away from the door

Then He arose, over death He had conquered

Now He's ascended, my Lord evermore

Death could not hold Him, the grave could not keep Him

From rising again

[Chorus]

One day the trumpet will sound for His coming

One day the skies with His glories will shine

Wonderful day, my Beloved One, bringing

My Savior, Jesus, is mine

Here's the musical version, but also the lyrics. . . . listen and let God's words wash over you!!!!

LOST: My identity

You're likely thinking by the title that I'm having a midlife crisis. . . you may be right, although unfortunately I'm way past midlife.  At 46 1/2 years old, I have started asking myself this question:  WHO AM I?

For 20+ years, I was daughter of John & Gretha.  Then I became wife to Keith.  Then Mom to Taylor and Peyton.  And here I sit in the quietness of my house thinking. . . but who am I really?  Being a mom and wife can be all consuming.  As a woman, we tend to be nurturers.  We pour ourselves into the people that we have around us, whether it's our husband's, children, other family members around us.  We tend to be givers.  We tend to put others needs before our own needs.  (Don't get me wrong, I'm as selfish as they come at times - I'm not saying I'm a saint in that department!!!)  But in general, we try to take care of the needs of others.  I believe God has created us that way.  I think it is a gift we have that is an incredible honor to have.

HOWEVER, sometimes I think that we as women tend to forget about ourselves.  I truly think that as women, we treat others way better than we treat ourselves.  In fact, if we stood back and looked at how we treat ourselves, we would never dare treat another person like that.  And suddenly when the nest is empty, or at least when the little ones are sprouting their own wings, we are suddenly left with the question, now what?  We stand in front of the mirror and really barely recognize the person staring back.  And I'm not talking about the extra pounds we might see that have somehow appeared over the last 20 years (and believe me - they ARE staring back at me these days!!) but I'm talking about the person inside of us.  The heart of me.

Who am I?  What do I really think about myself?  As I was thinking about these questions these past few months, I was continually brought back to a book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.  If you find yourself looking in the mirror wondering how you got to be the person you are today, this is a really incredible book. I went through it with my counselor this past summer and it really opened my eyes to how I was treating others and how I was treating myself.  AMAZING book!!!

One of the things that I started thinking about was how I was treating myself, and why I was treating myself that way.  After 20 years of being a mom and wife, I didn't really like the person I saw in the mirror.  Physically, emotionally, spiritually.  And I started to get down on myself.  The words failure, useless, loser floated around in my head all the time. I saw all that I had tried to accomplish for others and it seemed to not be enough.  They weren't happy and I wasn't happy.  All those things I had tried to do for others ended up not being what really made them or me happy.  In fact, a lot of those things were things that in the end were either controlling on my part, or frustrating for them on their part.  And so I started to dig into who I wanted to be.  Not LIKE someone else, but who Christ would really want me to be.

As I started reading scriptures, I started to realize that my view of myself was far from what God had said about me. (Eph.1:10)  I was bashing what God had created.  I was bashing God's masterpiece.  I was bashing God's workmanship.  He created me IN HIS IMAGE.  Even though I think less of me, the Bible says that I am alive with Christ.  (Eph. 2:5)  The Bible says I am protected by God because I am His child (I John 5:18).  I have been chosen by God, holy and blameless before Him (Eph. 1:4)  Every time I put myself down, every time I think less of me, I am in essence putting down what God created.  Could I be thinner? Could I be more patient?  Could I speak less and listen more?  Could I be a better person?  YES to all those things. BUT, those things are not what make me the person I am.  I am loved by the King.  He is waiting for me to come to Him, just as I am.  He's not waiting for me to be perfect so He can love me.  He is standing there with open arms waiting for me to run into them, and all I am doing is standing in the mirror looking at myself saying "I'm not worthy".  But that is SO not what God is telling me.  that's Satan.  That's his lies.  And who am I going to believe?????  I am God's child.  I know how much I love my kids, warts and all, and I can't even begin to imagine that God loves me so much more than I can ever love my kids.  My kids don't have to be perfect for me to love them, and God doesn't expect me to be perfect for Him to love me.  I just need to come into His presence and BE WITH HIM. I need to get the focus off of me, and focus on Him.  And remember that in Him. . . I am perfect.  He made me and loves me just as I am.

I have had this video for a long time now and even today, as I listen to it, tears stream down my face because I still struggle with believing it.  But I KNOW it's true.  I know every detail that is in this video is bang on.  I am God's and that's all that matters.

Wednesday's Wonderful Winter

Well, finally here in Manitoba, we are getting some wonderful days of winter.  Yes!  You read it!  Wonderful because it's melting.  I can't say it's been all bad this year, but it's just been really really long.  But it's made for some beautiful scenery.

Thought I'd share some of my wonderful winter moments and share this wonderful winter video with you as well!

It's winter. . . . but spring's a comin'

Our Snow clearing crews hard at work.  They've been kept busy this winter!

Only God can create this!!!

Good morning child!  Remember I love you - God

For those of you who know our yard, there's chairs and a pond under there!!! Our sweet summer oasis!

created by:  THE CREATOR!

And so we've had lots of snow this winter!!  BUT IT'S ALMOST SPRING!!!!  :-)

And just a bit of music to go with winter.  Truly these men are blessed with a gift from God!!!!  And their backdrop could only be created by Him!!!!!

Tuesday's Choice: Memorization

Been thinking a lot about eternity lately.  That regardless the mess down here, I cannot wait to get to Heaven!  Sometimes it's a scary thought when I think about what God say about me and what I've done or not done for Him, but that too, causes me to press on.  The things that I think are big down here, are nothing to Him. When we see His face, the things I thought were big won't even matter - or exist.  So just focusing on Him and on the future.



2 Corinthians 4:13 – 18

13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, 

14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. 

15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. 

17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. 

18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

When the laundry hamper's full, but your heart feels empty

It is always amazing to me how "stuff" can get in the way.  I don't mean clutter, but rather jobs. Tasks. Agendas. The to do list.

I find myself getting caught up in the oh so unimportant things of life, when there are so many other valuable things that I should be focusing on.  Today my laundry hamper is overflowing.  I have no snack food in the house for school snacks.  The floors need vacuuming and washing.  The furniture needs dusting. . . and my list goes on and on.

As I lay in bed this morning, I started thinking about all the things that "need" to be done.  Now panic didn't quite set in, but it started to feel overwhelming.  I started to think negative thoughts.  I started to feel that no one else in the house was going to be doing any work today, expect for poor little 'ol me.  Yup, I was having a pity party.  You see, today is a holiday here in Manitoba.  Family day to be exact.  Yup FAMILY day.  And I knew just the way I was going to spend family day - DOING LAUNDRY!!!  And every one else was going to be lazing around doing nothing!  I had the day "figured out" perfectly.

All the laundry hampers gathered into the laundry room were screaming my name.  And as I went down and sorted through the mounds of clothing, I started muttering.  I started grumbling.  I started seething.  Everybody else had nothing to do but me.  And oh how my heart started to crumble. . .

But you see, it was all in my own little "poor me" head.  As I sat and sorted the laundry, I remembered what I used to do way back when we were waiting to adopt a baby.  We had been picked by our birth mom, and so I had purchased a few things in the event that the adoption did proceed.  I remember folding the tiny little socks and praying for our baby.  That God would direct his/her path wherever it brought them.  I remembered folding the little onesies and praying that God would have control over his/her heart.  I remembered folding the little sleepers and praying that he/she would grow up to be a strong child of God. The wash cloths, the blankets, the towels.  Every item I laundered with joy and anticipation.

And here I sat today - remember - it's family day - grumbling about the laundry my family had generated.  The very thing that I had prayed for for so long, I had!!! I had two wonderful children that for years I never thought I would be able to enjoy.  For 12 long years, I begged God for a child.  And that day, 12 1/2 years ago, as I folded an unborn child's laundry - a child I wasn't sure would become mine, I prayed that God would allow me to have a child or two.  I remembered thinking that laundry would always be such a wonderful task because it meant I had a child!!

And here I was, buried in my own self absorbed thoughts when I was reminded of those days.  I was reminded how I had longed for a child.  I was reminded how I thought laundry was a blessing.  And so as I foldED my sons pants, I prayed.  As I folded my daughters shirts, I prayed.  As I folded my husbands work shirts, I prayed. I rejoiced.  I became thankful.  For here, in the middle of a pile of laundry lay so many blessings.  The floor was littered with them.  The floor was filled with past activities.  The floor was brimming with happiness.  With Joy.  With answered prayers.  And with each load of laundry I did, I praised.  Because each load was another load of evidence of how God had blessed me.  With an amazingly patient husband.  A beautiful daughter - inside and out.  A son with a soft and gentle spirit.  All of who have brought me such joy.

And suddenly the laundry room became a mountain of praise.  And as each pile of clothes was laundered, I was reminded that God had blessed me so incredibly much.

And just like that, the hamper was empty, but my heart was full!!!

Psalm 136:1-5

Oh, give thanks to the Lord, for he is good; his loving-kindness continues forever.

Give thanks to the God of gods, for his loving-kindness continues forever. 

Give thanks to the Lord of lords, for his loving-kindness continues forever. 

Praise him who alone does mighty miracles, for his loving-kindness continues forever. 

Praise him who made the heavens, for his loving-kindness continues forever.