Over the last several months, I think the thing that I have struggled with the most, is the feeling of "falling short". Trying, but never succeeding. Wanting to do something, but never quite attaining it. Or reaching your goal, only to fall backwards. The quote of 3 steps forward, 2 steps back? Well, it has felt more like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back!!!
I've had moments where I have been proud of my accomplishments. I've aimed for a goal, and reached it. At least for a moment. I've been the kind of mother I am proud of being. The kind of wife I feel I should be. The "godly" Christian I think God would be proud of. . . .
and then. . . . life took over. . . and those things that I put so much value in, started to slide. They slipped backwards, far beyond my grasp - or so it felt. The mountain stood in front of me once again. I've let myself down. I've let others down. I have fallen short of all that I thought I should or could be. I can't even bring myself to face those that I've let down. Or at least be honest with those that I have. I've put a mask on to hide my hurt. To hide my embarrassment of not being what I thought I should be. I've tried to cover my short comings. To hide my failures.
As I've done so, the slide gets slipperier. It gets more difficult. And the anxiety and depressions starts to kick in once again. Those same familiar feels of panic and stress that I felt 3 years ago, start to resurface.
So I sit and try to focus on who I am. My kids and husband love me. But I feel inadequate. The girl that everyone was amazed by who lost "the weight and changed her life" well, she is gone. And as students drop out of piano through though the first few months of change, I even begin to question whether or not I am doing what I should be doing.
Over the last few months, those are the lies that have been creeping into my mind. You may not see them. You may not imagine that those thoughts are there. The happy (albeight overweight!) face is what I can show to most of you.
And as I write this, I can't help but think "But hey! There have been SO MANY joys come across your paths too!" And there has!! Reconnecting with a dear friend from many years ago. Seeing my children excel in school. Having 2 wonderful vacations to our families this summer. Watching my husband take a strong leadership role in our church. These are all amazing things that bring me such joy. For all intents and purposes, joy should be oozing from my pores!!
It wasn't until this week that I started to truthfully take a good look at my life. Re-evaluate my responses. Re-evaluate my focus. Re-think what is important to me. Those things that I had focused on, that were now gone, were they really SO important to me that when they were gone, I could feel this empty? I read about and messaged one of our former youth girls who is now going through one of the biggest battles of her life - watching her husband struggle for his health in a hospital bed. My heart ached for her. I remembered those dark days of when Keith was in the hospital.
But I also remembered how at those times, I truthfully felt the best. It wasn't easy, but every fibre of my body was focused on getting a grasp of God's strength to make it through each day. And it hit me.
I. WAS. DOING. THIS. ON. MY. OWN.
The reason I had been feeling like I had fallen short was because I was using the wrong measuring stick!!!!! I had focused on a human measuring stick. I looked at those around me. How skinny they were. How happy they were. How great a mother they were etc. I was using the world's measuring stick. Not God's.
So I sat down and read Psalm 139. About how amazing I am to God. Believe me, I have read it several times over the last few weeks. In fact, when I can't bring myself to read anything else, this is the passage I go to. I figure, I might as well read it and try and get it into my head even if at that moment my heart wasn't believing it.
As I sit here and type this, I don't for a moment claim to be on top of the mountain. What I do claim is to have fallen short. Fallen short of seeing myself in God's eyes, and in turn seeing myself through Satan's filter!!! At this very moment, I struggle with even thinking about pressing the "publish" button because I don't feel worthy of anyone reading my thoughts. But I will. And I also will try to focus on what God is doing in my life. I think back to 1993 and how far He has brought me from those dark days in the hospital. And all the dark days in between. I'm still standing right?!?!?! It's not b/c of me - but rather the strength that God has given me. God is creating me into something amazing, if I only let Him. He sitting there at the Potter's wheel working on my masterpiece. But if I keep getting in the way, I will only amount to a clump of clay. So I am going to give it over to Him. I'm going to use HIS measuring stick. And there are no numbers on His measuring stick. There is only one big HEART on His measuring stick. And it tells me He loves me no matter what the numbers on the scale say. He loves me no matter how many times I falter and fail. He loves me no matter how many times I have to take medication for my anxiety and panic attacks. I am not a failure to Him. HE LOVES ME - and that is my measuring stick. And because He loves me and died for me, I measure up in His eyes.
