Over the years, I've realized that is not so. While I strive to be a Momma that makes God proud, I must shamefully say, that is not always the case. I love my kids and when I look at it from the outside how could I ever do anything to break their hearts? I think of them going out into the world without us there, and you can bet that anyone who dared mess with them, who dared hurt them would know my wrath.
And yet. . . as their Momma. . . their soft place to fall. . . . I fail. I've failed miserably. And I still fail - continually. How can I do this to them? How can I teach them to be all that God is calling them to be when I am failing miserably at being the kind of Momma God has called me to be?
This week has been a hard week. Truthfully, it has been a hard headed week. For me. Well, maybe for my children as well. We've butted heads over and over. And no one was going to give in. The emotional chasm that developed had been getting bigger. Stubborn will versus stubborn will.
And so it was, as I sat quietly in my prayer room one morning, that I listened to the words of this song - words directly from Scripture:Psalm 42:1
As the deer pants for the water, so my soul longs after You. . .
As I sat there in my chair listening to the rest of the words, I was shattered. What kind of a Momma was I being? What kind of a mess had I created this week?
The rest of the lyrics to the song go like this. . .
. . . You alone are my hearts desireAnd I long to worship you
Ch: you alone are my strength ,my shield
To you alone may my spirit yield
You alone are my hearts desire
And I long to worship you
I want you more than gold or silver
Only you can satisfy
You alone are the real joy giver
And the apple of my eye
You are my friend and you are my brother
Even though you are king
I love you more than any other
So much more than anything.
Not that I didn't realize this before, but it slapped me back to reality as I listened to the words and thought about how far I was feeling from the words that I was listening to.
to You alone may my spirit yield
I had failed miserably at that.
I love you more than any other. . .
Obviously not! I was absorbed in my own hurts and frustrations.
And as I sat and listened the tears came. What an awful, pathetic example I had been to my children!!! And as I sat and cried out to God and told Him how I had failed, the imagine of the cross came into my mind, as if God were saying to me "I died to forgive this too! Now go and ask for forgiveness and teach them to forgive like I have forgiven you!" What grace! What an example that Christ has given to me.
And as I shared and cried with each of my kids, and told them that I had not been longing after God's teaching, we sank into each others arms and cried. I apologized for not being the example they needed. For not being the soft place to fall that they needed. For following my selfishness, rather than God's example. And I asked for forgiveness.
I'm not saying this won't happen again, but I can truly say that I am thankful for my kids forgiveness and for God's forgiveness. I can only pray that through these failures in my life, God will use these situations to teach them to forgive and to ask for forgiveness as well.
So when Mommas fail, God forgives and can soften our hearts to be used by Him once again.
Here's a link to the words that washed over me and softened my heart. May it do the same for you!
