The verses are all there: Trust in the Lord - over and over again. It sounds easy. The words - and the promises if I do - are all there written in black and white. They are etched into my memory from days gone by. If I trust in the Lord, He will direct my path. I will be blessed if I put my trust in God. So WHY CAN'T I?!?!?!
Yesterday, I dropped my daughter off at camp. She was so excited. She was going with another friend, knew the layout of the camp, had been there before and was so confident about going. In other years, she had been a bit cautious which caused me to fear, but this year was different. She'd been there several times since winter with her youth group, and for a different camp retreat, and so she was confident going. Before she left, my husband and I prayed over her and her friend. As I prayed, one of the things I prayed for was that the group dynamics in her cabin would be good. I mean you are living with 2 counsellors and 7 other campers so you want to be able to get along. She has been struggling with not being included in groups of friends these past several years, and while she has a solid group of 2 or 3 friends, she has always felt left out of the bigger group of girls at church or youth. It has been difficult for her, to the point that she stopped going to group events because of feeling left out. My son too has struggled this past year with friendship issues, so I had prayed that God would give her a great group of girls in her cabin that she could make friends with. (Please don't think that the group of church girls aren't great. They are amazing. Good Christian girls from good homes. Just that T has never felt a part of the main group). So I prayed God would bring her a new group of girls that she could connect with and be a part of. Going into high school I knew how difficult it was to not have good Christian friends around and with T heading into high school in fall, I prayed for a group of friends that she could really lean on besides her 2 other close friends.
As we arrived, one of our first great surprises was to find out that her youth leader from church would be her counsellor, along with another girl that also attended our church. As a mom, I was comforted knowing that the girls were in good hands. (Okay, so the truth is I know that the camp has high standards about their counsellors and regardless of who was going to be her counsellor she would be in good hands - but you know what I mean :-) ) As they started to unpack, I was thinking that God was really going to "come through" for me. As I was about to leave, my "trust" in God fell through the floor. The very thing I had worried about had happened. Some of the girls that T felt separate from in school were going to be in her cabin. Half of her cabin were girls that she didn't feel a part of. My heart sank. I started questioning God. How could He do this? He knew that T felt intimidated by these girls. He KNEW she always felt like an outsider. He knew that this would make her week difficult. As I walked away from the cabin, I felt sick. T had worked so hard to raise money to go to camp. She had done so much and had been looking so forward to this. How could God have done this? There would only be 2 other girls that Taylor wouldn't know in the cabin. How was this all supposed to work?
As I walked towards my vehicle, I met up with another mom that I knew from our cottage at the lake. T & her daughter had gotten to know each other as well, and when she asked me which cabin T was in, I was excited to learn that indeed the two girls that T would not have known, were actually her friend from the cottage. Whew. . . at least God came through for me there.
As I drove back home, I wrestled with all sorts of thoughts and fears. I had PRAYED that God would work this out. As I thought about what I had prayed, I remembered in my prayer I had told God that I knew He had gone before the girls and had laid things in place for them. He had gone before them to camp and had been there and knew what their week would be like. As I drove home, I struggled with that thought. I prayed it in the morning, but did I really believe it. It was easy to believe that when I envisioned a week of sheer bliss for my daughter. But now when it wasn't going to go the way "I had planned", did I still trust it? And as I thought about that - MY plan vs. GOD'S plan - did I trust God or did I just really want my way.
As I went through my day, I continued to pray for T but truthfully, prayed more for my own unbelief! I prayed for the trust that I longed to have in God. I prayed for the assurance that He would give my daughter a good week at camp.
This morning as I scrolled through the pictures the camp had posted of the week so far, my heart sank. Pictures of my daughter alone. Pictures of my daughter on the swings without her friend. Pictures of her friend with other girls. The grip of anxiety and dread swept over me. I started to get angry with God. This is NOT what I had prayed for!
As I sat and talked
Trusting is hard. Trusting is letting go. Trusting is giving over to God and letting go of me. God's proven Himself to me over and over. I have been playing the age old hymn - Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus. I am going to claim this song this week. I am NOT going to let the fear that Satan is trying to deceive me with plague my thoughts! Trust is hard. But it really is all I've got. I WILL trust that God has this and that He has my daughter.
