Part III
As I listened to Keith break down in tears and admit that he had fallen back into his dark addiction, I felt a peace that I cannot explain. I listened and asked questions and tried to process what I was hearing, but somehow, I had a peace about all of this. I cannot explain what I felt. Maybe it was from having gone through this so many times before this, but I truly think it was because God had prepared me for this the few nights before. It didn’t come as a shock.
What I didn’t know was how to proceed. I was hurt. I was angry. I was broken and devastated, but I had a calm that I couldn’t explain. Over the next several days we continued to talk about where we were at and how his sexual addiction played a huge part in that. We talked about the promise he had made to me and the kids 6 years previous, to give up porn or move out. We talked about what would happen next. And we didn’t know. I didn’t know. And so, I ran to God. Over and over. Daily. Nightly. Moment by moment. Our kids were devastated. They too felt that Keith had chosen his addiction over his family. And how was I, as their mom, being completely devastated myself, supposed to give them support and encouragement when I didn’t even know what to believe? All I could tell them was that beyond a shadow of a doubt, I knew we would be okay. And that God would show me what to do.
And so, I prayed. And the more I prayed, the more I felt God telling me: Hold Keith to the words he gave you six years ago – “If I get back into porn, I will move out.” But I couldn’t do that!! Could I? It went against everything I had been raised with. It went against everything I believed. It went against everything I wanted. And the more I prayed, the more I felt strongly that I needed to hold Keith to those words. And, yet again, I had to follow what I felt God telling me, even though for the life of me I couldn’t understand it. And yet. . . . I had a peace. A peace that I couldn’t understand. But I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, God was telling me to “LET GO. Trust Me. Give Keith back to Me and I will be your leader, your support, your strength.”
And, with all of us in agony, on March 20th, 2018, Keith moved out. And this time, it wasn’t with the intent of him coming back home once he’d worked out his issues. This was it. This was what God was telling me, and I needed to just obey. Like Abraham, God promised me He would provide. I didn’t know what that looked like. I didn’t know how that would be possible. I just knew that whatever we needed, God would provide it. Over and over again, God gave me the picture of a goat tangled in a shrub. Over and over God reminded me that when Abraham thought there was no way out of his predicament, God provided a sacrifice. The ram in the thicket to be the sacrifice, instead of Isaac. I had no idea how God was going to provide, but every day I clung to the promise that He would!
And so, we started a life separate from each other. We worked out visit schedules with the kids and financial lines were drawn and still, I felt a peace. (For those of you who know my struggle with anxiety and panic etc., you know how big of a deal this is that I felt peace.) I didn’t know what the end would result in, but I knew I had a peace. And over and over, God continue to tell me to trust in Him, and to wait on Him.
During this time, God provided for Keith in so many ways as well. Something that I had always felt Keith had struggled with, beyond his sexual addiction, was that He had never dealt with the issue of his accident and the loss of normal use of his legs due to his spinal cord injury. I often had felt that his anger about his accident was keeping him from moving forward. From healing. During the first month, God provided a home for Keith that was a bigger answer to prayer than I could ever have imagined. He provided more than just a home for Keith to stay at – He provided the beginnings of some deep healing for Keith. There are only two other people in this world that know what Keith went through in the initial moments when he had his accident – the tow truck driver that was involved at the time, and Rob, his boss at the camp. No one else was there. And I know Keith has always had a deep connection with Rob because of what they experienced together in those initial moments after he broke his neck, back and leg. Rob was there for him when no one else was. And miraculously, God once again provided Rob to be there for him in a way this time around as well to provide a home, and healing for Keith. During those early days being separated from his family, Keith was able to talk with Rob about his accident and life in a way that he had never had an opportunity. And God allowed some deep healing to begin during those days he spent with Rob.
During this time, God also provided an
addiction recovery program to open up for Keith. Again, God’s divine intervention. Keith & I had talked about how he needed to get professional help for his addiction because what he’d been doing previously, had obviously not worked. And in the “nick of time”, God provided. Keith contacted a program called Path to Freedom, and miraculously was able to get accepted into the program on the very last day they were accepting applications – the exact day that Keith had contacted the church. Coincidence? Not at all. This was my “goat tangled in the shrub” that God was providing for Keith.
As Keith & I discussed where to go now that we were separated, Keith had mentioned that he would like us to go for marriage counseling. The truth of the matter was that we had been for marriage counseling before, and it hadn’t gone anywhere. We hadn’t been able to make any headway, and obviously, we were still in dire straits! I told Keith that as I was thinking about counseling and how to move forward, a name kept coming into my head of a counselor that I thought might be able to help us. When I mentioned his name, Keith began to weep – because it was the exact person who God had brought to his mind as well.
In the weeks after this, we began to visit this pastor couple and God used them in an incredible way to continue the healing process. Things that Keith had buried for many years were brought to the forefront. He was able to deal with emotional hurts that he had experienced during his younger years and forgive his Dad, which in turn allowed Keith to free up his heart in many ways. The neglect and abandonment he’d felt from his dad all those years before had built up into anger and resentment. And acknowledging those feelings, I could see, brought a huge freedom to Keith. He began to realize that God was not like his dad. God loved him unconditionally and died for him because He loved Keith so much. And as Keith explored the pain from his past, I began to see a very different person emerge. One I had never known.
During the months that passed, I also saw him explore the pain of his accident and give it over to God. Unbeknownst to Keith, one of the books that Path to Freedom was using was Joni Erickson’s book JONI. I had read this book as a teen, but Keith never had. As he read it, he realized something. Here was a woman who had gone through a similar situation (spinal cord injury) and who had way less mobility than Keith did, and she was still praising God. Keith started to understand how God had had His hand on him throughout his accident and began to focus on the good instead of the negative of his accident. And more than just words. He began to feel grateful for all he’d gone through. Even his wheelchair.
And as the weeks turned into months, time and time again, I saw how God’s timing was divine. A former pastor of mine had come to Manitoba to do a
Marriage Seminar. Amazingly, we found out later, that he would be able to work it out that we could come to him in Ontario for a weekend where he would do some counseling with us. After a month spent at Rob’s home, God provided a place for Keith to room & board at with one of our pastor’s homes. A place that became a home of healing and peace for Keith. There were so many times that I saw God provide for me and for Keith in ways I could never have imagined. God brought people into my life that cared for me and the kids. God brought people to talk to Keith at just the right time.
But I also continued to have doubts. I saw the issues that still crept up in our marriage. I saw how I had contributed to the negative atmosphere in our home and how my pride and selfishness had created an air of negativity in so many ways. I also saw that how I treated Keith often sent him back into those years as a little boy feeling neglected and devalued. I saw that when I treated him in a certain way, he would retreat into a shell and cut himself off from any feeling or connection to our family. God was opening both our eyes to see how badly we had hurt each other and how we both had contributed to the demise of our marriage.
Over the months that passed, God continued to heal Keith and to open his eyes to who he was in God. God continued to show him through the Path to Freedom program, what his addiction had done to himself, and to me and our children. He continued to learn how his addiction had stopped him from having a relationship with God. He saw how his sexual addiction had caused him to set up walls, long before he and I had ever met, that never allowed for us to have the emotional intimacy we needed to maintain a marriage. Those walls also never allowed him to have the emotional intimacy with God either, and so my desire to have a husband that would lead our family spiritual was truthfully never possible to that point.
As the months apart unfolded, I saw a new person emerge. I saw a vulnerability in Keith that I had never seen before. I saw a relationship develop with God that had NEVER been there. I saw a passion for spiritual things that I’d never seen. I saw him begin a spiritual journey, a walk with God that was completely new. It was a rebirth. An awakening that was almost weird to watch. Something I had certainly longed for, for many years, but never thought possible. I saw walls come down. I saw bitterness and anger melt away as Keith leaned into Jesus to receive His healing. I saw a man taking ownership of his past and claiming God’s victory for his future.
And like a slap in the face I realized, God had given him back to me. Not the old Keith. Not the man broken and bound in sin. But a new and improved version. A man determined to make his marriage work. A man passionate about fixing his relationship with his children. A man victorious over his addiction. A man who realized that without God’s help, he could do nothing.
And so, six months after our initial separation, I realized God had indeed provided the “ram in the thicket”. He had provided a path for us. God had asked me to go out in faith, not knowing what the end result would be, but He provided. In bigger and better ways than I could ever have dreamed.
God gave us our family back. In a way I never dreamed possible. I truly thought our family could no longer get back together. But God proved that He is more powerful than any doubts I had. I know this is not always the end result. And I know that there may be some of you reading this feeling the pain of a marriage that did not stay together. I am fully aware that there are many of you out there feeling that pain. And I think the one thing I can respond to that is that while all the credit goes to God for healing our marriage? I also know that this would NOT be possible without Keith being willing to work as hard as he did. He was not willing to walk away from his family. I know that God gave him(us) the strength to work through those difficult issues, but Keith/we had to be willing to step up and do the work. God doesn’t force us to do anything. He provides the power to make the changes, but we have to be willing to receive the power God provides. And I want to be very clear that had Keith not been willing, or had I not been willing to make those changes that we needed to, and to hang on to every shred of strength and power that God provided, this story would be very different. So, for those of you out there who are dealing with the pain, loss and brokenness of your marriage, please don’t think that I feel like you’ve done something wrong. Or that God wasn’t powerful enough for you. I know it takes two – AND God!!!
I am happy to share with you that as of October, Keith has moved back home. This has been a journey of ups and downs, and while I know we are only four months into him being home, I can tell you that this is a very different homecoming. I have a new husband. Oh, sure, he is the same man physically (okay, well maybe a few more wrinkles and grey hairs because of our journey), but he is different because his heart is different. His heart has been healed of so many of the pains he had carried around with him for years. And when Keith came home, he made a promise to all of us.
First, he presented me with a certificate of a promise and covenant to remain sexual pure as witnessed between him and God, and then he presented a Covenant of Blessing to our family renouncing any past sexual sins and to claim a blessing of purity over our family. This is a covenant he has made with God, first and foremost. This is a proclamation he has made to God, and then to us of his commitment to God and to our family. And I can tell you, that I have a trust in Keith like I have never had.
Don’t get me wrong. We are a long way from having a perfect family – since that doesn’t really exist. But we are working on it. We are working on it TOGETHER. And it is truly because of God’s grace, and Keith’s love for us and his determination to become a better man of God for himself, and for us, that we are able to be a united family. Oh, believe me, they aren’t all happy moments. But we are a whole united family. And I can only give God the praise for taking that unsure Abraham moment and turning it into a praise offering to Him.
Finally. . . .
One of the things that plagued me over the last few weeks before Keith moved back home, as well as early on in our separation was this question: How do I know Keith won’t ever do this to us again? I wrestled with this question often. And sometimes still do. But the short answer to this question is: I don’t know that! And in those early months, that spelled F.E.A.R. As I walked this journey, God continued to remind me that He had only asked me to do one thing. And I’d done it. And that was all. He didn’t tell me what the end result would be. He only said, “Obey me.” And I think that is the biggest lesson that I am learning. . . . still learning. That God usually doesn’t give us the big picture. He just gives us the small “right now” picture. And that’s all we are supposed to know or do.
I am a “get all my ducks in a row” kind of person, so this is a huge and difficult lesson for me. I want to protect myself from any unnecessary pain and I want to make sure that everything is indeed “awesome”. But God is teaching me that that is not my job. It’s not my job to make everything right, or perfect, or awesome. My job is simply to lean on Him and trust Him that He’s got this all. I may not understand it. I may not even like it at times. But I am learning to just give it all over to Jesus. Put it in His hands. You will notice I said learnING because it is definitely a process!! There are days I want to take everything back and protect my heart, my kids’ hearts, but it just isn’t my job. I can give it all over to God and just wait for His next instructions. The moment I take charge, I move away from God’s best for my life. God says, “Follow me”, not “Charge ahead and expect me to make it better.”
So today, I give my marriage to God. I give my tentative heart to God. I give my kids’ fragile hearts to God. And I pray for protection. For me. For my kids’. For Keith. And I continually seek God to find out what He wants from me. And believe me, friend, I fail at even that. I DO often go charging off like a crazed elephant. But God pulls me back and gently reminds me that HE is in charge. It’s like the little child in a mall. So excited by all the toys and exciting things that she runs forward with sheer determination to see it all at once. And suddenly, as she looks around for her Momma, realizes she’s gone off by herself. Panic sets in. The joy disappears. And just like that the excitement and exhilaration she’d felt is gone. But just before the tears and wails begin, there she is! Momma is right there. And so, she stays so close. Hanging onto her hand. Staying just one step behind. And friends, that’s where we need to be. Hand in hand. Letting God LEAD us. Walking WITH us. And so, I encourage you, as I do myself. . . . Let God lead you. Let God lead me. He knows what lies ahead and will steer us around it. Or He may very well take us THROUGH it. And on the other side, we will come out shining! Because God took us there. Together. Leading. Guiding. So, let’s listen to where God is taking us. Don’t charge ahead. Don’t do it on our own. Just listen.
And that’s how I deal with the question “How do I know this will last?” How do I know Keith won’t do this to us again? I don’t know. But God does, and whatever happens, HE WILL TAKE ME THROUGH IT!!!
This year, it comes with mixed emotions. 2019 and was a tough year in so many ways, but a great year as well. We got to celebrate Taylor’s graduation. She got her driver’s license. Peyton turned 15 and moved on to bigger and more exciting job opportunities through the summer. I taught my largest group of students ever – 60! Keith started at a different position at the credit union and won a trip which brought us to Las Vegas & Los Angeles. We made changes to the inside of our home. We saw God answer so many prayers in ways we didn’t believe possible.
And so 2020 is bittersweet. 2020 will be the first whole year without Jonny, Dad (Keith’s) and Neil. 2020 will be an entire year without those pieces of our hearts here on earth. 2020 will be an entire year without them. But it also comes with the knowledge that with each passing day, we are one day closer to seeing them, and joining them in the presence of Jesus. 2020 is hard to imagine without them. It’s hard to imagine family adjusting to life without their son/their brother. Their Dad. Her husband. But just like we’ve gotten through the last three months, I know God will sustain us. I know God will be there through the grief and through the sunshine.
