When the impossible is possible

This morning, I've been doing some looking back.  A good looking back.  I guess this time of year brings that out in me.  I've been thinking about where I was a year ago, and where God has brought me to this year. I've been remembering those dark dark days that I thought would never go away.  Those days that anxiety and panic consumed me.  The days that fear clawed it's way into the very core of my being and consumed me for days on end.  It was a time that I never thought I could be released of.  Moments, when the very simplest of tasks looked like a mountain completely impossible to scale.  I remember the days when just getting up and being able to make my children's lunch for the school day was a feat in and of itself.  If there was a day that was spent without fear and anxiety, without terrors ripping through my body at the thought of leaving the house, it was a good day.  A good day meant actually getting clothes on, and forcing myself through the door.   A great day was being able to sit on the parking lot of Superstore and "talk myself" into actually going inside and getting the groceries.  (Many times were spent turning the truck around, clothed in fear and panic - unable to do that simple task.)

Today, I sit here, not without struggles, but with a new perspective.  Those days sometimes seem like a lifetime away, and there are still those days that it take everything within me to garner up the strength and go out.  I like my home.  I like the safety, the security of my home.  That in and of itself, doesn't make me a candidate for anxiety and panic.  It does however, lend itself to being a stepping stone towards it.  Last year was a year of extreme changes in my life - changes that led to more incredible changes.

One of those changes was being able to acknowledge that I needed help.  That our family could not survive how we were trying to survive.  With the panic and anxiety came the depression.  The interpretation that my anxiety and panic attacks were a failure of sorts.  That because of my struggles with it, I was somehow less of a person.  The physical symptoms of feeling the tightness and pressure and heart palpitations in my chest were more than I could take at times.  I felt like I was loosing my grip on reality.

Thankfully, through the help of my doctor, counselor and ultimately God, I have been able to control these episodes.  I look back and am so thankful for the tools that I have learned over the year to come to the point to help me with this.  And like I said, I'm not over it.  But thankfully it is not an all consuming issue that I have to deal with.  Thankfully with my medications and coping mechanisms for the most part I am able to have some control over these episodes.

I truly believe that when I have a panic/anxiety attack it is two fold.  First of all, a chemical imbalance of sorts, but also I do believe that Satan also plays a part in it.  I believe he is trying to get me down and each time he does so, I have to fight those old feelings of inadequacies.  Each time I struggle with the panic, I have to fight his lies.  Because truthfully once I have made it through those panic attacks, the truth is that God has gotten me through yet another one.  Satan DID NOT keep me down.

Last year when I thought it truly was impossible to carry on, God provided me with the truth that it was possible.  And each time when I have another attack now, I try to bring my focus back to God that He is STILL in control.  And that all things are possible with Him.  I would love for God to take away EVERY anxiety attack from here on out.  That would be my version of God's answered prayer.  However, at this point, I also believe that being able to control my attacks and not having them consume me is also a form of God's healing.  When I look back to where I was a year ago as compared to now, WOW - now that's healing!  The tools that God has allowed me to use. . . the imagery that I use to calm myself down. . . the prayers that I pray. . . the verses He brings to my mind. . . I totally believe these are all God's answers to the impossible!!!  And I can say that with any attack that I do still experience, it simply serves as a reminder to how far God has brought me.  God has been so good to me.  He has provided so many things to make me realize that the impossible IS possible.

Finally I just want to share one of these little miracles that showed me again how God is in control.  How God is using a variety of ways to help me cope with my anxiety and panic attacks.  The other day as I sat fixating on leaving the house, fear washed over me.  "I just can't."  "I cannot do this." "It is safer to just stay home."  "I am so not equipped for this!"  All those thoughts jumbled around in my head.  Lies. . . all lies from Satan.  However, at that exact moment, they felt like my reality.  They felt like that was my life.  Like that was truth.  As I sat at my desk and listened to my iPod and begged God to help me, as the tears streamed down my face, and my heart was breaking, this is the answer that God provided to me.  He reminded me that He was there. . . and I can ALWAYS go to Him.

I realize this is a video about Plumb's anxiety disorder, but truly it is a video for all of us - for anyone who believes that the possible is not possible. Do not believe those lies. . .

Because I am here to tell you that:

THE IMPOSSIBLE IS POSSIBLE  

With God's strength all is possible!!!!!

For those of you struggling with anxiety, panic attacks, etc., I just want to share this article with you.  It is about Plumb and her struggle with anxiety - the birth place for this song.  She has an amazing story about how God has been faithful and helps her through each attack.  What a ministry in music and her life story she has!!!

Plumbs story about overcoming anxiety and her ministry through her music

If any of you need someone to talk about your struggles with, please know I'm hear and would love to listen and pray for/with you.  And for those of you who struggle with anxiety/panic attacks, as someone who knows what you are struggling through, know I'd love to help you as we walk this journey together.

Going through the motions. . .

Do you ever feel like you are just going through the motions?

The last few days have been a bit like that for me.  Going through the motions but feeling nothing.  Doing what I KNOW to be right, but feeling like it's pointless.  I'm not talking about my day to day stuff. . . I'm talking about my relationship with God.  Reading because I'm supposed to.  Praying because there's a need.  But just really feeling dry.  Like I'm in a desert.  Or in a pit.  Not a depressed pit, but just a space that feels BLAH!  Like there's nothing.  There's no passion.  There's no desire.  It kind of feels like I'm in a valley, and can't seem to climb my way out.

Yesterday I was home sick, and as I lay on the couch, I had lots of time to think.  Part of me felt that what I was feeling was from being sick, part of me felt that I was feeling blah because I'm really tired of winter, but another part of me thought about how natural feeling blah likely was.  I mean in Psalm 23 David does talk about walking through the valley.  Even David wasn't able to stay on the top of the mountain all the time.  Jesus went to the desert to pray. I'm sure our spiritual leaders go through those times as well that just feel like we're merely existing in our spiritual walk.

So what do we do?  What do I do when I don't "feel" anything?  I think a prime example of what to do would be in our day to day relationships.  With our spouse, or our kids.  Truly, there are some mornings when we all go our way and NO ONE is "feelin' the love".  But by 5:30 every day we are all back home, usually feeling it.  We don't walk away for good.  We come right back home and work through the issues, or very often, by 5:30 we've forgotten why it was that we weren't feeling it in the first place and it's back.  (It's amazing what a day at school does to change my kids' demeanor!!)

So I got to thinking about my spiritual journey as well.  Really, I'd like to just avoid the valleys all together.  By I also know that without those valleys, I'd never be able to appreciate those mountain top experiences either.  I might feel like I'm in the desert right now where it's dry and uncomfortable, but without knowing what the desert is like, I'll never be able to enjoy the lush green meadow times when they come.  I can tell you this, that with the cold that we've been experiencing in Manitoba, I know that summer will be even more appreciated when it finally arrives!!!

So what do I do now when I'm not feeling the connection to God.  When I'm not feeling the joy. . .

Well, first of all, I decided to give thanks.  Regardless of what I am feeling, there are always things for me to give thanks for.  And there are LOTS.  So I write.  I journal my joys.  I keep counting, and praising. . .

And also, I decided to be straight with God. (I mean, who am I kidding. He knows my thoughts anyway, so why am I trying to "hide" what I'm really feeling?!?!?) I know this sounds like I'm a bad Christian, but honestly, I really don't feel like praying. They just feel like words.  Like it's not getting any further than my lips!!! BUT I'm going to do it any way.  I'm going to be honest with God and tell Him exactly what I feel. (1 Peter 5:7 Let him have all your worries and cares, for he is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you.)  I'm going to pray myself back to Him.  Just because I don't "feel" something, doesn't mean it doesn't exist!  So if I back away from my relationship with Him because I don't feel anything, then that is the first step in ensuring that there really WON'T be anything.  If I am not feeling love for my kids, and I walk away from them, then there is no chance of working through those dry feelings and getting that feeling back.  I KNOW I love them, and so stick with it.  I know in the past, I have just let my Bible reading and prayer dwindle, but that is SO not the way to do it.  If I want to have a strong vibrant relationship with God, I'm not going to get it by walking away every time I feel "dry".  I am going to go to Him.  Keep going to Him. I'm going to listen.  And that might even just mean being still and taking some time away with just me, God and silence.  It may not happen right away. . . but it certainly is not going to hurt.  BUT, not going to God WILL hurt my relationship with Him. I truly believe that even through these dry, "unfeeling" times, God can speak to us.  God is right there with us.  He sees.  He knows our heart. And I truly believe that He will honor our efforts to seek Him.  Even when we don't feel it!

I trust that on those days when you don't "feel" it, that you will not walk away.  It's easy to.  I will admit that.  It's easy just to let one day slide because you don't really feel it.  But one day may lead to the next and to the next. . . and then what do you have?  Nothing. . .  I know I'd fight for a relationship with my kids, my husband. . . so why don't I fight for my most important relationship - with my Heavenly Father?

Join me in "keeping on" and let's be amazed at how He is going to speak to us. . . . even in this dry and deserted time.

Tuesday's Choice: Memorizing

Well, I have a confession to make.  Well, not so much a confession as an admission!

This month has been really difficult for me to memorize!  Not sure why - but I can say that what I thought had been memorized seem to fly right out my ears or something!  Really really struggled.  And then when i went to go back to the previous week's portion, it was gone.  Like I'd never even memorized it!

So for myself, I've decided this is going to be a review week.  I'm posting the 3 previous portions in the hope that I can mull over them some more and HOPEFULLY get them to stick a little better than what they have been!  I'm thinking it's Satan who is messing with me, so I'm just going to keep at it until they get stuck!!!


Philippians 4:4-8

4 Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!

5 Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.

7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

 
Philippians 3:10-14

10 I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,

11 and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

12 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.

13 Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead,

14 I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.
 
2 Corinthians 4:13 – 18

13 It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak,

14 because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself.

15 All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

16 Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day.

17 For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

18 So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Olympics. . . . realigning my priorities!!!!

And now. . . the Olympics are over. . . Canada smiles a collective satisfied sigh. . . Pretty good.  We did pretty good didn't we?  Both our women and men won GOLD in hockey & curling!  What's more Canadian than those two sports????

Funny how we couch potatoes didn't do a thing to get those 25 medals, but somehow we feel like we had something to do with it.  Somehow, we feel like our cheering from our warm comfy homes, changed things just a little.  We didn't fly to Sochi.  We didn't train for 4 years.  We didn't lift a finger.  We didn't have to.  The athletes, coaches, families and others did it all.  But we are quite ready to take just a little bit of pride with us that somehow, we are a part of those medals.

What patriotism we display.  What passion we portray.  What connection we feel sitting in a room with others cheering on our teams.  All for a chance to say "We won".  We made it.  We accomplished our goal of winning a medal.

I will admit this.  I was curious.  I wasn't so much consumed with Canada's medals as I was curious as to how we would stack up against other countries.  I also can admit that playing sports is not my thing.  So the Olympics was more about our ratings against other countries than it was about winning each sport.

As I watched our country's patriotism rise, and as I saw and heard people talk about Sochi, the Olympics, the athletes, it made me wonder how such a (truthfully) trivial thing like sports could bind a country together for 2 1/2 weeks?  How could a mere hockey game cause a country to stand still and hold it's breath?

And then I stood back, took a breath and thought. . .

Why is it, that the the reactions we have knowing that there are millions of people out there who are dying without ever having known Jesus, pales terribly in comparison to our reactions to a gold medal win?  Why is it, that when we think of Heaven and worshiping our Saviour, it doesn't garner the same response as the moment we realized that Canada would win a gold medal hockey game?  Why is it that the priorities in my life are so messed up?  Why is it that we focus so much of our energy on 16 days of Olympic games and yet our focus for eternity is in reality not even there?

What does that say about me?  What does that say about my priorities?  What does that say about where my focus is?  Where is Christ in the midst of all my cheering?  Where is my ache for those that have never heard of Christ?  Do I cheer excitedly when i hear that someone has come to know Jesus?  Am I doubled over in despair when I hear about a person who has passed away without ever having made a commitment to Christ?  Is the first word on my lips each morning "Jesus Christ", the way "Olympics" was these past weeks? How much time did I spend with my Lord and Savior as compared to the amount of time I spent fixating on the games?

I can tell you. . . that I have no answers.  I have no responses.  I know my priorities are askew!  I know that I need to refocus my thoughts.  I need to realign my priorities.  The one who made the universe. . . the one who has saved me from eternal death. . . the one who forgives me each day. . . . Where is He in the priorities of my life. . . .

Really feeling called to realign my priorities!!!!

Psalm 1

1 Blessed is the one
    who does not walk in step with the wicked
or stand in the way that sinners take
    or sit in the company of mockers,
2 but whose delight is in the law of the Lord,
    and who meditates on his law day and night.
3 That person is like a tree planted by streams of water,
    which yields its fruit in season
and whose leaf does not wither—
    whatever they do prospers.