Taylor: A true gift of love **HAPPY 13th BIRTHDAY BABY GIRL**

Thirteen years ago today, we received the best phone call we have ever received.

To our joy and excitement, we were informed that our daughter, Taylor Rachel had been born!  Here is a little look into our journey of joy.

On July 23, I received a call from Adoption Options MB that "we had a match".  Initially, I didn't understand what our worker was talking about.  7 months earlier, we had completed our adoption registration process and on December 18, had an active adoption file, which meant that birth parents could begin to view our adoption profile.  With AO (Adoption Options) both the birth mother and adoptive parents complete a profile which states what sort of parent she would want for her child and our file contained all our information as well as if there were specifics about what child we would want (race, boy/girl, health issues, etc.) However, we were told not to expect to have a match for at least two years.  So when I got that call, I couldn't believe we had a birth mom pick us after only 7 months.  The next day, we went into Winnipeg to meet her.

Oh how nervous we were!  After about an hour of getting to know each other, we were taken out into a side room while the adoption worker spoke with our birth mom and birth dad.  We were then told that if they were wanting us to be their child's adoptive parents, papers would need to be signed and filed THAT day since she was due in exactly 2 weeks and those papers needed to be signed at least 2 weeks prior to the baby's birth.  We were asked if we felt we would be okay with this couple as birth parents, and I remember Keith and I looking at each other and laughing.  OF COURSE WE WERE!!!  But truly our thoughts were, would she be okay with us??????

So right there in the office that day, we all signed the necessary papers saying that we were matched!  What crazy emotions!  I just remember thinking what an amazing girl this was.  What a difficult decision she had to make.  What love!!!!!

As her due date came and went, fear, anticipation and so many other emotions washed over us.  And so finally on August 13, we got our long awaited call.  We had a daughter!!!!  In two days we would meet our daughter.  So on August 15, we got to meet her!!  If ever there was a day that I had such conflicting emotions, it was on that day.  We were so filled with awe, respect and love for our birthmom.  We were so filled with joy at being able to hold our daughter.  But probably more than anything, my heart was breaking for Rachel.  As she showed me how to change Taylor, which formula to feed her, I couldn't begin to imagine the agony she must be going through.  And so that evening as we watched our daughter sleep, it was with such incredible joy, but such incredible pain for our birthmom.


And much to our amazement, over the past 13 years, we have not only gained a daughter, but we have gained two new family members through our adoption journey.  You see, every year, we have the privilege of getting together at least twice a year with Rachel, and now with her son.  Never in a million years did I ever imagine that not only would be gaining a daughter but we gained an incredible relationship with Rachel as well.  Every time we are together is an incredible visit. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I know that God has brought us all together.  The fact that Taylor has this close relationship with her birth mother is such an incredible gift.  For us and for Taylor!  When people ask how we can "let" her have that openness with her birth mom, my response is "how could we not?"  We truly feel that this is the best option for all of us.  Rachel has always given us every confidence that she is confident of her decision for us to be her daughter's parents and we have always felt that it has been in Taylor's best interest to have that relationship.  She knows about her birth family and we have even had the privilege of meeting some of them.  I truly believe that we are ALL better for this.

It is true, I never expected this connection.  And I don't believe that it is for everyone. But it is right for us - and ultimately for Taylor.  Rachel has given us an incredible gift.  She turned us from a couple into a family.  I am so thankful for the journey we have been on these past 13 years.  I am so thankful that God brought us together.  I am so thankful for our precious daughter.

Happy birthday my girl.  We are so proud of you.  You bring us such joy!!!  We love you!

What you don't see. . .

As I've sat and thought about Robin Williams and his death yesterday, I was reminded again, how so often we see only the outside of people.  The man who made so many of us laugh, was living a life of desperation and depression.  The struggles in his head, in his mind weren't being displayed on his outward appearance.

Mental illness is a faceless illness.  You so often don't see it in the lines of one's face.  You don't see it in the smiles plastered on a face.  You don't see it in the daily walks with people.

But it is there.  Sucking the very breaths you take right out of you.  Making each waking moment a battle unto itself.  The very smile and laughter you are able to conjure up has taken all the strength you can muster just to hide the pain that covers you.

I know.  I've been there.  I am there.  Not every day but still some.  As I thought about Robin Williams and how he felt so strongly he needed to end his life, I think of the faces that we see each day around us.  I remember the days of gathering every ounce of strength I had to put one foot in front of the other just to make it to take the kids to school.  Forget about going out into public.  Forget about getting groceries, a job that the average person takes for granted.  Forget about gathering the courage to walk through the doors of church.  Forget the every day tasks.  Some days it was all I could do to put clothes on to get the kids to school.  I remember sitting in my truck thinking, "If any of these people that I am seeing right now had any clue what I was struggling with, they would be shocked."

And then to gather the strength to not break down and cry when yet another person told me I had to trust in God and it would be better.  The verses, while very true and quoted in love, added pain to the very breaths I was struggling to take.  And the days I couldn't make it out of bed, were blissful at times.  I didn't have to pretend to be someone I was not.  I didn't have to face the comments from people who had never been to the dark places that I was in.

You see, I understand the mask of mental illness.   I have lived it.  I have been at the deep pit of despair as I waited on the train tracks, begging God to bring a train to end my agony.  I have been to the places where life has felt hopeless and yet somehow was able to plaster a smile of my face for a moment, only to crumble at home.

I think if there has been anything that I have learned through my journeys with mental illness, be it depression, anxiety, panic attacks, whatever the avenue, I have realized that the faces we see every day are not what is necessarily going on in the heart.

Years ago, when Keith was in the hospital, I remember taking our vehicle in for an oil change, all smiles, and answering the question of "how are you doing" with a big smile and saying GREAT!  And yet every fiber in my body wanted to scream at them and yell "Don't you know?  My husband is in the hospital, with no movement from his waist down? My life has been turned upside down! HOW DO YOU THINK I"M DOING?"  But I didn't.  I remember plastering on the smile and saying GREAT.

And so today, I thank God for His grace.  I thank God for the great therapist I have, for the great Doctors I have.  I thank Him for bringing the book Emotionally Free by Grant Mullen to me. Emotionally Free I'm thankful that I was able to realize that truly mental illness is just that - an illness and it's okay to treat an illness with medication - just the way you treat cancer with medication.  (It was because of my medication that I was able to hear and see what God was telling me.  With out my meds. I was incapable of functioning.  And with the medication, I was able to see that God too had provided the medication to help me see through the haze.  Not as a crutch, but a tool to become a healthy person).

So today, I am so much more aware that what we see on the outside is not necessarily a reflection of what is going on the inside.  And today, I thank God that I am here able to write my story, rather than to have someone else share a sad story about me.  I am thankful that God has given me the tools to cope - be it medications or other techniques.  I am thankful that God has brought me from those dark moments to the place I am today.  I am thankful too for the journey it has taken me to get to where I am today.  And truthfully, I am thankful for those difficult things that I still have to deal with - sometimes daily.  I am thankful because it reminds me from where I have come.  It reminds me of God's healing and His grace.

So today as you go about your day, remember, while the faces you are seeing may be smiling, there may be hearts breaking.  There may be hearts aching.  How can you help?  How can you be there for that person?  If nothing more, breathe a prayer.  Give a hug.  A touch.  You never know what may change a person's day.  It COULD be you!!!!!

And if there are any of you out there who want to talk about your struggle - your journey, please know I'd love to listen.  Be it over coffee, or even through emails.  I have had a glimpse into the dark, and while I don't claim to have the answers for you, I'd love to share with you my journey!!! Message me and let's get rid of the stigma attached to mental illness!!!!

When Life Disappoints

This week at our house, we've been having some lessons in disappointments.  Some big, and some small, but all disappointments none the less.  And thankfully, this time (as is not always the case!) we have, for the most part, been able to take these disappointments and turn them into teachable moments.

One of the first "teachable" moments came over the long weekend.  My husband and son had gone to the cottage for the weekend, and one of the things on their list of "to dos" was to go and see if a boat we had locked up at a lake several miles from our cottage was still there.  I do have to admit.  This boat has been a bone of contention for me.  It is a boat that, when I was finishing a job at the camp I used to work at 13 years ago, I was training the next office manager, and rather than getting paid a bit here and there when I would come into the office, I decided to work for a boat.  It was a small rowboat that Keith thought would be perfect for hauling into a lake that was only accessible by a walking trail, and so the plan was to leave it there, locked onto a tree and then whenever he and friends or family wanted to go into the lake, they wouldn't have to try and haul a boat in.  Well, for years this worked.  Many hundreds of small mouth bass were caught from this boat.  However, over the last several years, no one has made that trek into the lake and so I have been asking (OKAY - nagging!) Keith to go and get it and bring it back to our lake so that the kids would have a light weight boat that they could row around in our bay.  It was small enough that I could pop it into the water if just the kids and I were there and they could still go fishing. 

So thankfully, this past weekend, Peyton and Keith planned their excursion to see if the boat was still indeed there and to do some fishing from it.  Needless to say, the phone call they had to make was one of extreme disappointment.  My daughter had picked up the phone and chatted with Keith and by the comment she made "Why do I have to tell her the bad news?" I knew that the boat was gone.  And so I also knew that the "epic" fishing trip Peyton had conjured up was not to be either.  (He had heard the stories of catching 60 - 100 fish in one day of fishing - and they weren't fish tales!!!!)  My boat was gone.  I was so disappointed.  All the expectations that I'd had were gone.  And of course the "I TOLD YOU SO" complex was out in full force.  Such disappointment.  I think the biggest disappointment was that I had created this scenario of a great childhood memory of going boating with my dad at Driftwood Beach, and I had wanted to share something like that with my kids.  And now the boat was no longer.  There would be no memory making the way I had hoped.  Disappointment.  Tears stung my eyes.  And bitterness tried to claw it's way into my heart.  Thankfully before the boys came home, I was able to take a step back and look at the big picture.  The things that mattered.

Then yesterday, my son had another sting of disappointment.  Ironically about a boat as well, but a much smaller version.  Now that he is 10, Peyton has been getting an allowance and some of his allowance goes to a spending account.  (Other parts go to savings and donations) but part of it is his to spend.  In an effort to not have him spend it all on gum (WHICH HE WOULD!) he picked out a project that he wanted to save up for.  He chose a remote controlled boat.  So, he had saved $17.00 towards the $35.00 boat, but on Tuesday when he went to check to see if they were still there, he returned with a downcast face to report they were all gone.  His face certainly changed when I shared with him that "Dad already bought you one on Saturday since we didn't want to risk them being gone."  Well, yesterday was the day that he was allowed to get his boat.  (Okay, we did cave just a little b/c he won't have enough money until November to purchase his boat, at which time he will have no where to drive it! But he will still owe us for the remainder.)  Oh what fun he had all afternoon driving it around in the pool.  Tying things up to the back of it like a skier.  Making obstacle courses for him to drive through etc.  So you can imagine his disappointment when after supper when he went out to use it again, he found it at the bottom of the pool.  Clothes were ripped off as he jumped in to try and retrieve the boat from the bottom.  After attempting to dry it out (the instructions were adamant that the boat should NOT be immersed in water) we tried to get it going - to no avail.

I can tell you my heart broke for the boy.  The tears were flowing and his heart was broken.  What disappointment.  As we chatted about it, we tried to put the whole situation into perspective.  At least he had a day to play with it.  At least it was not a life changing disappointment.  We allowed him to feel his disappointment too.  We allowed him to share his feelings.  We allowed the tears to flow.  And then we tried a few other tactics to get it to work to no avail.  The disappointment was written all over his face.  And truthfully, we did go back to Walmart to check to see if there were some others there that we MIGHT be able to replace it with, but unfortunately they were all sold. 

But let me tell you, even though both of those things weren't life changing.  Even though they weren't life altering disappointments, they hurt.  And I think that is one thing that we need to acknowledge when life disappoints.  It hurts!  No matter what the disappointment it hurts.  How we handle it is a different issue.  But to acknowledge those disappointments, that is valid.  And I believe that God wants us to voice those disappointments to him.  To voice those hurts to Him. 

As I did the previous week, and as Peyton did last night, we can lay those hurts before Him.  We can even ask that He change the situation.  Sometimes He might. Sometimes. . . He may change US instead.  Last week as I read through Romans 5:3-4, it put it all out there the way I needed to hear it!!  " We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.
And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation."

I shared this with Peyton yesterday too.  We can either grow from these disappointments or let them take us over.  We encountered other disappointments this week too.  Some even bigger.  Some that not only affect us, but others too.  We had smaller disappointments, that really aren't that life changing.

Regardless.  God feels our pain. He's been there.  And He is there to help us walk through those disappointments.  When things don't go the way we want them to, big or small, we have the assurance that God is in it.  Sometimes it might be that we need to adjust our expectations and that's what God is trying to teach us. Sometimes it might be that He is trying to remind us that we need Him and through those tough times, we are drawn to Him.  Sometimes it might simply be that our disappointments cause us to focus on what is really important in our life.


I can't remember where I heard this quote but it was from when I was young.  And it has stuck by me often.

"In the light of eternity, how does this really matter?"

Over the years as that quote has come to my mind, it has often put situations into perspective. 

And so too with our disappointments.  If I ask myself about a lost boat.  In the light of eternity, what does that boat matter?  NOTHING!!!  Can't take it with me, but my response to my husband and my relationship with him is what matters.  And when that's right, then my relationship with God is right. 

So today, give Him your disappointments.  Share them with God because He knows what you are feeling.  And He wants to hear your pain.  Because, He can heal it.  And He can take those broken moments, those fragmented expectations and create something beautiful and praiseworthy for Him.

Just remember:   JESUS NEVER FAILS!!!!