When there are no words

As I sat in my counsellor's office trying to put together the words to share with her what was going on inside my heart, my head, I realized that sometimes, there really just aren't the words to express what goes on inside me.

When I tried to share with her that my world was turning dark again, it didn't seem right.  It wasn't the same as several years ago, but it was stifling.  When I tried to share with her how dark my heart was feeling the words just didn't feel right.  What I was feeling couldn't come out.  I couldn't seem to express precisely what I was feeling.

I went away from my appointment feeling deflated.  Feeling more empty than when I had gone there.  Feeling like it was an impossible task to actually express what I was feeling.  As I drove home, I thought about the many times that I have felt that way in my prayer life as well.  The times that I've wanted to pour my heart out to God, but I just couldn't muster the words.  I couldn't put into words the things I was feeling.  Or quite truthfully I couldn't speak out the words because the feelings I was having were just that awful.  I thought about my session that day.  Was it more because I didn't want to admit some of the things I was feeling?  It certainly was partly that.  The truth was that I was feeling so guilty about what I was feeling inside, that each time I tried to form the words to say it, the words that were there would show the ugliness I was feeling inside.  And admitting that I was feeling those things was too much.  It would confirm to me and to her that I was broken.

At times as I've prayed, I've felt those same things.  How could I go to God and share what I was feeling when the things that I was feeling were so ungodly?  How could I tell God, the creator of the universe that He had made a mistake.  How could I tell Him that this person He had created in His image, for His glory, didn't want to go on, and just wanted to die.  How could I tell the Being who sent His Son to die for me, that I wasn't worth it?

Many times I have sat staring out the window, on chair in my yard, on the edge of our lake and my head is filled with thoughts and feelings that I just can't put into words.  That I dare not speak out loud for the shame I would feel just voicing them.

And that day after being in the office, unable to find the words, not daring to speak them, I sat on the chair in my office and stared outside at the leafless trees.  I watched a blue jay vie for his position at the bird feeder.  I stared at the squirrel making his way along the tree branches.  My heart was so full of sadness.  So dark.  And it dawned on me, that even without the words to speak, God knew.  God knew.  He knew my heart.  He felt my anguish.  He knew my struggles.  And while there were no words to speak.  No eloquent prayers to be prayed, I knew God heard me.  I knew He held me.  I knew He felt what I was feeling.

As I gulped in air, trying to clear the weight I was feeling compressing on my chest, the heaviness, I realized that even without the words, God was hearing me.  He was right there.  Things didn't miraculously change.  The weight didn't clear.  The pain didn't go away.  Truthfully nothing changed.  But I did have a sense of peace that even without the words to speak, God knew.  And He was going to see me through it.  When words failed, God presence didn't.  There were no eloquent prayers, believe me.  But I know that in the stillness of those moments, with no words to speak, God heard me.

Falling Short

Over the last several months, I think the thing that I have struggled with the most, is the feeling of "falling short".  Trying, but never succeeding.  Wanting to do something, but never quite attaining it.  Or reaching your goal, only to fall backwards.  The quote of 3 steps forward, 2 steps back?  Well, it has felt more like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back!!!

I've had moments where I have been proud of my accomplishments.  I've aimed for a goal, and reached it.  At least for a moment.  I've been the kind of mother I am proud of being.  The kind of wife I feel I should be.  The "godly" Christian I think God would be proud of. . . .

and then. . . . life took over. . . and those things that I put so much value in, started to slide.  They slipped backwards, far beyond my grasp - or so it felt.  The mountain stood in front of me once again. I've let myself down.  I've let others down.  I have fallen short of all that I thought I should or could be.  I can't even bring myself to face those that I've let down.  Or at least be honest with those that I have.  I've put a mask on to hide my hurt.  To hide my embarrassment of not being what I thought I should be.  I've tried to cover my short comings.  To hide my failures.

As I've done so, the slide gets slipperier.  It gets more difficult.  And the anxiety and depressions starts to kick in once again.  Those same familiar feels of panic and stress that I felt 3 years ago, start to resurface.

So I sit and try to focus on who I am.  My kids and husband love me.  But I feel inadequate.  The girl that everyone was amazed by who lost "the weight and changed her life" well, she is gone.  And as students drop out of piano through though the first few months of change, I even begin to question whether or not I am doing what I should be doing.

Over the last few months, those are the lies that have been creeping into my mind.  You may not see them.  You may not imagine that those thoughts are there.  The happy (albeight overweight!) face is what I can show to most of you.

And as I write this, I can't help but think "But hey!  There have been SO MANY joys come across your paths too!"  And there has!! Reconnecting with a dear friend from many years ago.  Seeing my children excel in school. Having 2 wonderful vacations to our families this summer. Watching my husband take a strong leadership role in our church.  These are all amazing things that bring me such joy.  For all intents and purposes, joy should be oozing from my pores!!

It wasn't until this week that I started to truthfully take a good look at my life.  Re-evaluate my responses.  Re-evaluate my focus.  Re-think what is important to me.  Those things that I had focused on, that were now gone, were they really SO important to me that when they were gone, I could feel this empty?  I read about and messaged one of our former youth girls who is now going through one of the biggest battles of her life - watching her husband struggle for his health in a hospital bed.  My heart ached for her.  I remembered those dark days of when Keith was in the hospital.

But I also remembered how at those times, I truthfully felt the best.  It wasn't easy, but every fibre of my body was focused on getting a grasp of God's strength to make it through each day.  And it hit me.

I.  WAS.  DOING.  THIS.  ON.  MY.  OWN.

The reason I had been feeling like I had fallen short was because I was using the wrong measuring stick!!!!!  I had focused on a human measuring stick.  I looked at those around me.  How skinny they were.  How happy they were.  How great a mother they were etc. I was using the world's measuring stick.  Not God's.

So I sat down and read Psalm 139.  About how amazing I am to God.  Believe me, I have read it several times over the last few weeks. In fact, when I can't bring myself to read anything else, this is the passage I go to.  I figure, I might as well read it and try and get it into my head even if at that moment my heart wasn't believing it.

As I sit here and type this, I don't for a moment claim to be on top of the mountain.  What I do claim is to have fallen short.  Fallen short of seeing myself in God's eyes, and in turn seeing myself through Satan's filter!!!  At this very moment, I struggle with even thinking about pressing the "publish" button because I don't feel worthy of anyone reading my thoughts.  But I will.  And I also will try to focus on what God is doing in my life.  I think back to 1993 and how far He has brought me from those dark days in the hospital. And all the dark days in between.  I'm still standing right?!?!?! It's not b/c of me - but rather the strength that God has given me.  God is creating me into something amazing, if I only let Him.  He sitting there at the Potter's wheel working on my masterpiece.  But if I keep getting in the way, I will only amount to a clump of clay.  So I am going to give it over to Him.  I'm going to use HIS measuring stick.  And there are no numbers on His measuring stick.  There is only one big HEART on His measuring stick.  And it tells me He loves me no matter what the numbers on the scale say.  He loves me no matter how many times I falter and fail.  He loves me no matter how many times I have to take medication for my anxiety and panic attacks.  I am not a failure to Him.  HE LOVES ME - and that is my measuring stick.

And because He loves me and died for me, I measure up in His eyes.

Been a while. . . .

So recently I had someone comment about how they had missed my blogs. . . .

So today I looked back to when my last post was. . . . JULY!!!  Okay, the truth is, I'm a bit surprised it was that recent.  That's only four months.  Mind you the previous one was also a month before that.

I have to say, that the last half a year has been . . .

crazy

unsure

undecided

difficult

good

confusing

chaotic emotionally

draining

tiring

exciting

some of the best times

some extremely difficult times

I think you get the picture.  My life has felt like a yo yo!!  And yet. . . here I sit November 11.

Remembering.  Thankful.  Grateful.  Proud. . .  so many emotions.

I am thankful for my friend who at least prompted me to write this entry.  Ang - you have always been an encouragement in this blog journey of mine.  Thank you.

I am feeling like I am coming out of a difficult emotionally draining time.  Perhaps in the next little while I will be able to share more of my journey these last several months.  Things even I haven't necessarily processed. But I know that when we share our journeys our burdens get lighter.

Fellowship has been a big word for me in the last week.  Hopefully we can "fellowship" together as we share our hearts together.

Pray for me, won't you?!?!?!

To trust or not to trust. . .

. . . . That is the question.  Well, actually it's not quite the question.  The truth is I WANT to trust, but can I let it go?

The verses are all there:  Trust in the Lord - over and over again.  It sounds easy.  The words - and the promises if I do - are all there written in black and white.  They are etched into my memory from days gone by.  If I trust in the Lord, He will direct my path.  I will be blessed if I put my trust in God.  So WHY CAN'T I?!?!?!

Yesterday, I dropped my daughter off at camp.  She was so excited.  She was going with another friend, knew the layout of the camp, had been there before and was so confident about going.  In other years, she had been a bit cautious which caused me to fear, but this year was different.  She'd been there several times since winter with her youth group, and for a different camp retreat, and so she was confident going.  Before she left, my husband and I prayed over her and her friend.  As I prayed, one of the things I prayed for was that the group dynamics in her cabin would be good.  I mean you are living with 2 counsellors and 7 other campers so you want to be able to get along.  She has been struggling with not being included in groups of friends these past several years, and while she has a solid group of 2 or 3 friends, she has always felt left out of the bigger group of girls at church or youth.  It has been difficult for her, to the point that she stopped going to group events because of feeling left out.  My son too has struggled this past year with friendship issues, so I had prayed that God would give her a great group of girls in her cabin that she could make friends with. (Please don't think that the group of church girls aren't great.  They are amazing.  Good Christian girls from good homes.  Just that T has never felt a part of the main group). So I prayed God would bring her a new group of girls that she could connect with and be a part of.  Going into high school I knew how difficult it was to not have good Christian friends around and with T heading into high school in fall, I prayed for a group of friends that she could really lean on besides her 2 other close friends.

As we arrived, one of our first great surprises was to find out that her youth leader from church would be her counsellor, along with another girl that also attended our church.  As a mom, I was comforted knowing that the girls were in good hands.  (Okay, so the truth is I know that the camp has high standards about their counsellors and regardless of who was going to be her counsellor she would be in good hands - but you know what I mean :-)   )  As they started to unpack, I was thinking that God was really going to "come through" for me. As I was about to leave, my "trust" in God fell through the floor.  The very thing I had worried about had happened.  Some of the girls that T felt separate from in school were going to be in her cabin.  Half of her cabin were girls that she didn't feel a part of.  My heart sank.  I started questioning God.  How could He do this? He knew that T felt intimidated by these girls.  He KNEW she always felt like an outsider.  He knew that this would make her week difficult.  As I walked away from the cabin, I felt sick.  T had worked so hard to raise money to go to camp.  She had done so much and had been looking so forward to this.  How could God have done this?  There would only be 2 other girls that Taylor wouldn't know in the cabin.  How was this all supposed to work?

As I walked towards my vehicle, I met up with another mom that I knew from our cottage at the lake.  T & her daughter had gotten to know each other as well, and when she asked me which cabin T was in, I was excited to learn that indeed the two girls that T would not have known, were actually her friend from the cottage.  Whew. . . at least God came through for me there.

As I drove back home, I wrestled with all sorts of thoughts and fears.  I had PRAYED that God would work this out.  As I thought about what I had prayed, I remembered in my prayer I had told God that I knew He had gone before the girls and had laid things in place for them.  He had gone before them to camp and had been there and knew what their week would be like.  As I drove home, I struggled with that thought.  I prayed it in the morning, but did I really believe it.  It was easy to believe that when I envisioned a week of sheer bliss for my daughter.  But now when it wasn't going to go the way "I had planned", did I still trust it?  And as I thought about that - MY plan vs. GOD'S plan - did I trust God or did I just really want my way.

As I went through my day, I continued to pray for T but truthfully, prayed more for my own unbelief!  I prayed for the trust that I longed to have in God.  I prayed for the assurance that He would give my daughter a good week at camp.

This morning as I scrolled through the pictures the camp had posted of the week so far, my heart sank.  Pictures of my daughter alone.  Pictures of my daughter on the swings without her friend.  Pictures of her friend with other girls.  The grip of anxiety and dread swept over me.  I started to get angry with God.  This is NOT what I had prayed for!

As I sat and talked with - okay more like TO God, I started to think about how this might just be okay.  God started showing me that this might be exactly what T needs.  This might be God's way of working in T this week.  By not being distracted by friends and all the other issues, God might be using that to speak specifically to her.  As a mom, I want to be able to provide a path that is smooth sailing for my kids.  I want to take all the bumps in the road away and make it as easy as possible for my kids.  But the fact is, I didn't learn that way either.  I have had to experience some awful bumps in the road in order to learn some very valuable lessons.  Do I really want to take those lessons away from her?  Don't I want her to be the very best girl growing up that she could possibly be?

So as I sat and thought about my prayer yesterday morning: about God going before her to camp.  About God paving the way for her.  About God providing my daughter with the best possible experience at camp, I realized that I was wanting MY best possible experience for her.  So as difficult as it might be, I am going to trust that God is in charge of this.  That God has this.  He has my daughter.  And that whatever the outcome of this week, God has it in His hands.  It's scary to give it over to Him.  Okay, so what else can I do 200 km away from her?!?!?  But as I pray for her, I am going to also give my mistrust over to God.  I want to fix things to be "perfect" for her.  But do I think I know perfect better than God knows perfect?  I don't think so. . . . okay, well sometimes I think so but I know that's not the truth. . . :-(   

Trusting is hard.  Trusting is letting go.  Trusting is giving over to God and letting go of me.  God's proven Himself to me over and over.  I have been playing the age old hymn - Tis so Sweet to Trust in Jesus.  I am going to claim this song this week.  I am NOT going to let the fear that Satan is trying to deceive me with plague my thoughts!  Trust is hard.  But it really is all I've got.  I WILL trust that God has this and that He has my daughter.

Singin' in the rain

As I shuttled the kids off to school today, the rain was coming down hard.  It was pouring over the curbs of our street and the ditches were beginning to get fuller and fuller.  Once we were at the school, the kids quickly hopped from the truck and sprinted to the school doors.  As I started to drive away, I noticed one little boy reacting quite differently to the rain than all the other middle schoolers that were rushing inside.   You see, at our children's school, there is a daycare housed under the same roof as the grade 5 -8 children.  As the Mamma struggled to get the backpack out of the vehicle, I watched as this little boy was twirling around in circles, with his arms wide open and his face turned up to the sky, just letting the rain wash right down over his face.  Skipping along the fence, he seemed oblivious to the negative affect the rain was having on the others.  He was just enjoying the coolness on his face and the trickles of water running down his cheeks.

As I watched, I was reminded of our days living in B.C.  Having lived in Saskatchewan for 3 years previous to that, the coastal weather in BC was drastically different than the dry prairie weather I had experienced.  When the locals in BC were complaining about the long, dreary, overcast days in BC, my husband and I were embracing them.  Newly married, the cloudy, rainy days meant time to snuggle into our one bedroom apartment and just be together.  We loved going for walks and seeing the clouds hovering in the valleys.  Or the clouds just clinging to the tips of the mountains, waiting to open up and water the earth.  Like today here in Manitoba, the BC rains were generally gentle rains.   Washing away the dust and business of life.

Today as I looked out at the little boy literally soaking up the rain, I was reminded again about perspective.  This little guy was just loving the rain that was coming down - as compared to the teens who were racing inside to avoid the drops coming down!  What a difference.  As I look outside of my window now, I see how green everything is in contrast to the grey skies.  Even my fish look more orange against the raindrops on my pond.

Sometimes God brings moments - raindrop moments - into our lives.  Moments that make it difficult to remember the sunshine.  Moments that cause us to crawl into ourselves and get cold and shiver.  Some of those moments remain longer than others.  Some moments turn into long chunks of time.  We've experienced some of those moments.  We've experienced some of those chunks of time.  Our raindrop times will be different than yours - and not for a moment do I believe that your raindrop moments are something I can ever understand.  But I do understand the struggle of perspective.  It's not always easy to look out through those windows of life and see the raindrops clinging to the glass - or streaming down for that matter.

But today, I encourage you to look beyond the raindrops.  Look past the dreariness of a rainy day and look through - out onto the other side.  Try to think of the beautiful affects that this rain will have.  The greenery that will emerge once the sun takes hold and grows those little flowers into blooming beautiful masterpieces.  Not every day is a rainy day.  But not every day is a sunshiny day either.  We really do need both.  We need both the good and the bad/sad days to really appreciate one from the other.  We need both in order to give us perspective.  We need rain to really be able to appreciate the sunshine.  And we need the sunshine to really appreciate the rain.

I'm not sure the little boy I watched really cared if tomorrow was going to be sunny or not.  He just twirled around in the rain like today was the best day ever!!  He was soaking up the goodness of the day and not just making the best of it, but really enjoying it.

Even in our rainy moments of life, let's try to get that perspective.  No matter how big the rain storm that has come our way, let's try to remember this, shall we?

Psalm 5:11
But let all who take refuge in You be glad;    let them ever sing for joy.
Spread your protection over them,    that those who love your name may rejoice in you.

Praying that your rainy day is filled with joy.

And because of the rain, I can't help but share this song with you.  It is a song that was often played on our record player at home many many moons ago.  Sung by the Medical Mission Sisters, it reminds me that the rain doesn't stay!  Eventually those wet dreary days are gone, and the sun comes shining.   Enjoy a little memory from my growing up days!  :-)

I have a tween. . . . . .

Enough said.   I am sure.   For those of you who have gone through these wonderful, muddy 10 - 11 - 12 year old stages with your children, I am sure you understand.

I love my son.  I love him dearly.  He is our miracle that doctors told us would never happen.  He is our gift from God - Nathanael - his middle name - that's what it means GIVEN OF GOD!

But I have to be honest and some days I wonder.  I wonder what God was thinking!!  Is this a mean trick?  That precious bundle of baby boy joy. . . . where did he go? Don't get me wrong.  I'm not thinking of giving him back - well not most days anyway ;-)  But a gift from God is supposed to be easy right?  It's supposed to bring joy, not struggles.  Not arguments.  Not frustration.

So what to do?  What to do when I am faced with this son of mine whom I know not!!!  This little boy trying to come into his own.  Trying to navigate the waters of growing up.  What do I do with this little bundle of joy turned independent almost teenager?

Well, for the next two days, he stays home from school . . . with me.  Together we will try to figure out this crazy thing called growing up.  Together we will learn how to make better decisions.  Together we will read scripture in the hopes of God's Word speaking to Him rather than me ranting on and on.  Together we will meander these waters to figure out the path for this ever growing up bundle of baby boy joy.

And rather than reflect on the behaviours that keep him in my home these next two days, I will focus on the joys that he has brought me these past 11+ years.  Because in my heart of hearts, despite the anger, defiance, arrogant "know it all" attitude, he is my baby boy.  And I love him more than I did the day he was born.  he really is GIVEN OF GOD!!!

       

Mamma Bear Learns a Lesson. . . .

For those of you who know us personally, you know our family is so proud of the diversity of our family.  Keith and I are from two different provinces and two different cultural backgrounds, we have two children one of whom is adopted, one biological, etc.  We kind of like that we aren't the cookie cutter family.

Recently one of those things that makes us unique felt like it was being challenged.  For you moms out there, you know that when one of your children has been hurt - whether emotionally or physically, the momma bear claws come out and you want to protect your baby!  Well recently that happened to us.  Without giving you all the details, I just want to share with you what happened.

Our daughter who happens to have come to us by way of adoption (if you want, you can read about that journey here), recently felt her adoption story was being challenge.  Not whether she was adopted, just the value of the actual adoption itself and the place she had in our family.  She came away from a group conversation where an adult was speaking and made her feel like she didn't matter and that we only adopted her out of desperation to have a child.  She was hurt and deeply affected by the comments that were made.  So much so, that after the conversation, she came and talked to me about it.  For those of you who know our daughter, she tends to hold feelings close to her chest and so the very fact that she shared how she had been hurt showed me just how deep this had gone.

In the following days, she and Keith and I discussed the scenario.  We know that sometimes when we speak, things come out that are not intentionally hurtful.  Sometimes people say things that hurt us because of lack of education on the subject.  Sometimes people say things that they don't realize would even be a hurtful comment.  So having thought all these things through, I decided to address the issue with our daughter's blessing.

After praying about it, we decided to share our adoption journey with this person.  We wanted them to understand why the comments that were made (whether intentional or not - and we believe strongly they were not!) had hurt our daughter and made her feel awkward within her own surroundings - so much so, that she did not want to face this adult again.  Unfortunately, it was not well received by this person. In the course of the conversation that ensued, my intentions were challenged, my integrity was challenged, and my Christianity was challenged.  I was in tears and couldn't believe how a genuine desire to have this person understand our daughter's journey and the reason for her hurt had turned into this turmoil.  I was being attacked and it didn't feel good.  As I struggled through the emotions of having my intentions challenged, of being told this person had never said the things about adoption to our daughter, and of feeling like a failure for trying to have addressed the issue in the first place, I realized, that right at that moment, I had a choice.  I could stay hurt and angry.  I could forgive this person for the way my daughter was hurt and offended and for the way I had been hurt.  So many options for a response.  Ironically, just a few hours later we had our small group Bible Study and the topic of conversation was about how we as a Christian judge others and can cause hurt to others when our own lives are riddled with things we should be taking care of ourselves.

As I lay in bed last night rehashing the conversation I'd had with this person, I realized that the very thing this person had been doing to us was something I have long since struggled with.

Admitting. When. I've. Been. Wrong.

Ugh.  How I have struggled with this.  In our early years of marriage, I can tell you, I was never wrong.  Okay, so you all know that is DEFINITELY not true.  But truthfully? That is how I lived my life.  Every little problem was my husbands fault.  If I ever "reacted badly", I was only reacting to his load of mistakes and of course had full absolution of my behaviors! (said VERY much tongue in cheek!!!)  As we worked through our early years of marriage, I sensed a trend.  One I had long ago vowed I would never be like - I was incapable of saying that I was wrong.  I was incapable of saying "I'm sorry" with no strings attached - no "but" that would follow those words to justify my actions.  Just an admission that I had made a mistake.

As we grew in our marriage, I realized it was becoming more and more difficult to admit when I was wrong and the very person I vowed I would not be like - I had become.  First of all it was not how God had called me to respond to things.  And secondly, if I was supposed to be an example of who Jesus Christ was, I had failed miserably.  I was reminded of this last night.  I was reminded how Jesus was attacked, beaten, humiliated and yet He spoke not a word.  He didn't try to justify who He was.  He didn't try to stand up in His defense to clear His name.  What did He do?  He loved them.  So much so, that He died for those very insults that had been hurled at Him.  Can you imagine?  He was the God of all the universe.  He had never sinned.  Not once.  He was perfect.  He was GOD!  And yet, He continued.  He didn't judge.  He didn't wallow in the injustice of it all.  What did He do? He loved those people so much that He died on a cross for them.  He went to hell to cover those very sins that were committed against Him.

As I lay in bed I realized I really did have a fork in the road as far as how I would react to this situation.  I had a teachable moment to share with my daughter.  I could let this sit and fester in my heart causing who knows what kind of negative reactions, or I could be silent, and not judge this person and love them the way Jesus did His accusers.

Here are a few of the things in the video we watched last night that has cut through my thoughts like a knife, albeit a bit paraphrased from what we heard.  1.  When I judge someone, it's likely because it's the same thing I struggle with.  2.  How is their sin reflected in my life.  What does God see in me that I see in the other person?

As I reflected on those thoughts, I didn't like them at all.  They hit a little too close to home.  I wanted to nurse those hurts that I had felt a few hours earlier.  I wanted to nurse my daughter's hurts.  I wanted to assure her that it was all the other persons issues - not mine.  And yet, as I sat and thought about those two points, i couldn't help but realize 1. I did indeed struggle with the very issue I was seeing being portrayed to me by this person and 2. God looks at me and sees those very things in me as well.  I am not without fault.  It is true - what this person said to my daughter was incredibly hurtful.  And when addressed couldn't admit that perhaps there was some truth to how they had hurt her. But my reaction came yes, as a momma bear, but after our conversation yesterday, became about judging.  And why?  Truthfully because it is something I struggle with - to admit that I was wrong.  The very way that my daughter and I had been hurt by this person, was the very same issue I struggle with.  I didn't like it at all.  It was hurtful.  It was painful to be treated this way.  And I realized, that is what it feels like when I do that to my husband, my children, those around me.

And most of all, it's not what Jesus Christ exemplified to me.  When He was wrongly accused, beaten, humiliated. . . He didn't speak a word in His defense.  His response?  Loving them.  Dying for them.  What's my response?  Retaliation? Anger? Defiance? No, my response needs to be that of Jesus Christ.  Love.  Forgiveness.  Understanding.  Not belittling what happened to my daughter, but helping her too, to love - forgive - and understand.  It's not easy.  It most certainly isn't my first reaction.  But another ironic thing that happened yesterday even before I had to deal with this was a quote that I came across earlier in the day.

Rather than let this eat at me.  Rather than judge this person.  Rather than grow anger and bitterness in my heart - I need to get on my knees and pray for this person.  I have to say, it's really hard to bring someone before God and pray for them, and still feel angry.  (Its something I have tried to do when my husband and I have been in an argument.  WOW!  is that hard! Haven't always been successful, but it HAS curbed a lot of fits of anger!)

Jesus' was the prime example of this.  Despite everything the people did to Him, He loved them and He forgave them.  He is the example I want to follow.  He is who I need to be like.  I need to love like He did and I need to forgive like He did.

I am thankful for how God directs our paths.  I do not think it is coincidence that I came across the hurt quote from earlier.  I also don't think it was coincidence that our small group decided to go with the video about judging rather than the other option.  I also don't think it was coincidence that yesterday was the day that I ended up talking to this person about all of this.  I believe God had some things to show me.  I believe God had some things for me to learn.  And I KNOW I needed to change my attitude!  So thankful that God knows exactly what I need and provides it - even before I know it!

Now to do it. . .

Worship: What Does it mean to me?

Recently the concept of worship has been rolling around in my head.  What does worship mean? Who am I worshiping?  WHAT am I worshiping?  When I go to church are the words I am singing truly worship?  What do I need in order to worship?  All these questions have been rolling around in my head.  So I started on a search.


The meaning of worship has been written as this:  the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity

As I have listened to the songs being sung in churches, I have been struck by how often we are singing songs that we call worship songs and yet the predominant tone in the songs is actually about ourselves.  About us as humans.  Yes, God's name is being mentioned, but the focus is on me.  Don't get me wrong.  I believe there is a place for these songs.  However, when we are worshiping, our focus and attention should be completely on God. 

As I was thinking about worship, God directed my thoughts to the fact that worship isn't necessarily a time.  It is an attitude.  It is a state of mind.  And quite truthfully I should be striving to worship God at all times.  John 4:23/24 says this: 
The time is coming when we will no longer be concerned about whether to worship the Father here or in Jerusalem. For it’s not where we worship that counts, but how we worship—is our worship spiritual and real? Do we have the Holy Spirit’s help? For God is Spirit, and we must have his help to worship as we should. The Father wants this kind of worship from us. 

In another version it says we must worship God is spirit and in truth.  Two different aspects of our worship.  In must be a state of mind.  Our heart must be in tune with God.  We must be followers of Him.  We must worship Him in spirit.  And the second part is worshiping Him in truth.  Our worship must be rooted in the truth of God.  It must be found through the examination of Scriptures. Once we have immersed ourselves in getting to know who God is, it is then we find ourselves truly worshiping.  That's why when we sing songs about WHO God is, it is then we are worshiping.  When our focus is on ourselves, it takes the focus off of the One who we are worshiping. 

I believe there are times when we do need to focus on our lives.  To examine where we are at.  We must clean our slates and come clean before God and open up our hearts and minds to worship.  I have always appreciated when a worship team leads out with a call to worship.  An invitation to seek out the things that need to be changed in our hearts in order to come to the place where we can worship.  True worship.  Focusing on God.  Not on what we have done wrong.  Not what an awful person I am.  That is not focusing on God.  Focusing on God means looking at WHO HE IS!  Focusing on all those incredible attributes of God.  I have also appreciated when during a worship time, there has been a response after our time of worship.  Because quite honestly, when we are focusing on God and who He is, there can only be a response.  Of praise.  Adoration.  But also of a willingness to be more for Him.   I love when there are those three aspects of a time of worship.  i) the call to worship ii) the actual time of worship iii) and the response to our worship.  I think often I get stuck on the inward issues I have.  The things I want God to DO for me.  The ways I want to change.  Rather than just focusing my attention on WHO GOD IS.  

I have this "poster" in my Bible. 

I love how it cause me to focus on HIM and who He is rather than me.  When we focus on who God is rather than ourselves we can't help ourselves but worship Him.  Worshiping Him means expressing my adoration or reverence for Him.  It has nothing to do with who I am.  It has everything to do with who He is.  And if I am focusing on who He is, it leaves no room for thinking about me.  About focusing on myself.  What greater gift can we be given but the ability to focus on who God is.  I can only imagine what our worship will be like when we get to Heaven.  We will be in awe of our Savior.  Can you imagine the time of worship we'll have there?  It makes me so excited to think about that incredible choir we are going to be a part of!!!

Recently I was gifted a copy of Bethel Music's album "For the Sake of the World".  What an incredible work of worship.  I can't help but have my thoughts directed towards God as I listen to this.  There's no room for focusing on me. As I listen and meditate on the words, I am overcome with how amazing God is.  I am overcome with love for Him.  I cannot help but worship when the focus is on Him.

Join me as we draw our focus to Him.  I know it will strip away the thoughts of today as you allow your mind to focus on God.  Let's worship Him together!!!!

Mountaintop or Mole hill

 
You've all heard it:  You are making a mountain out of a molehill.    In other words, you are making a big deal about something that is really insignificant.

Let me take you back a few years.  When Keith & I were first married, we moved to wonderful Abbotsford, BC.  It was THE most beautiful place I have ever lived.  And truth be told, have always been a lot sad that God called us away from there.

Probably THE BEST thing we ever did (and we did it a few times) was to go down to Washington State and head up to Mount Baker.  To this day, my heart is still there.  We purchased a painting of Mt. Baker.  We have snow still from Mt. Baker.  (ok, it's water!) and a few years ago, when we had the chance, we took our children there. It was one place in our married "history" that we wanted to show to our children.

When we arrived at the base (it was in September), to our dismay we found that because of the huge snowfall the previous winter, we were not able to head up (by vehicle) as far as we had hoped.  As we sat at the bottom of the mountain, both our kids suggested we walk as far as we could.  As many of you know, my husband does not have full function of his legs.  However, as the trouper that he is, we decided we would go hiking as far as we

could.



I will admit. . . . I WAS MORE THAN HAPPY TO LOOK AT THE PEAK OF THE MOUNTAIN FROM THE NICE WARM COZY LODGE!!!  However, the group decided we would trek up the mountain "as far as we could go".  About half way up, my son, niece and I decided we'd had enough.  We were tired, the air was thin and the bottom looked far enough away from us, that we didn't want to go any further.
 BUT, Taylor (the then "non-athletic" daughter and my husband "the handicapped guy" decided they wanted to continue on.

And wouldn't you know it they made it to the top!!!!!  From half way up the mountain, I couldn't believe that the two LEAST expected candidates had actually made it to the plateau!!!!  They had gotten to the top of the mountain.  (Okay - it was Table Mtn, not Mt. Baker but STILL!!!!!!)

Today, however, I was reminded about a different mountain top experience. . . .   Let me explain.

Recently, as a family, we have decided to do "home church".  We are still members with our church and involved with our church, but as a family have decided to go deeper.  To learn more.  To try to IMAGINE all that God has for us as a family.

So today, after Sunday School and lunch, we listened to a Francis Chan video talking about our personal relationship with God.  It is something I have struggled with especially as I watch my children grow up.  Keith & I were raised in homes that taught the scriptures, memorized them and knew pretty much every Bible story there ever was.  As my children grow up, I am realizing that some of the very "basic" stories that Keith & I knew, our children haven't even heard of!!!!  They know the "concept" of the Bible and a relationship with God, but they have never EXPERIENCED it.

As we watched the video today, there was a comment that slapped me in the face:  PEOPLE ARE HAPPY TO MEET WITH MOSES AT THE BASE OF THE MOUNTAIN RATHER THAN GOING UP THE MOUNTAIN TO MEET WITH GOD.   As I listened to him speak, I saw a mirror image of what my children are learning, and unfortunately, I am the one teaching them these concepts!!!!  I don't WANT to be okay with being at the bottom of the mountain, but I am SHOWING them that the bottom of the mountain is okay!!!!

I realized that I'm looking for things. . . people. . . .times. . . moments. . . that recharge my spiritual walk. . . . RATHER THAN going to the mountain and spending time with Him.  When is the last time I spent one on one time for a length of time with my God. . . . the very being that gave His Son to die, so I could live???  Did He send Jesus so that I could sit around at the bottom of the mountain?????  NO NOT A CHANCE!!!!!  He sent Jesus so that i would journey UP THE MOUNTAIN to meet Him.

As I thought about that concept, I was reminded of our holiday up to Mt. Baker.  Keith and Taylor were willing to go further.  They were willing to do the work.  They were willing to fight and toil to get to the top of the mountain.  And the view they saw?????  Well, let's just say it's one I didn't see that day.  I saw other hills.  I saw other valleys.  But I did NOT see the tops of those hills and mountains.  I did not make it to THE TOP!!!!  I did not want to push on.  I didn't want to make the difficult decisions. I didn't want the tiny path.  I wanted the easy way.  And when the path got tiny.  When it got rocky and difficult. . . . when I had to climb ladders and treacherous steps????  I didn't want to do it.

BUT. . . . let me tell you. . .. when Keith & Taylor came back down to the base of the mountain. . . . there was a glow.  (OK - not the Moses glow - but a glow!!!!)  They were so proud that they had persevered.  But even more, they just couldn't stop talking about how glorious the view had been.  Taylor had been on top of the world.  She had accomplished an incredible goal -  -  - and she had taken her father with her.  Keith, disability and all, had scaled the mountain and had been able to see the glory of the scenery below.  The rest of us couldn't.  We had not gone the lengths it took to see it.  We had wanted to DRIVE to the top.  And when we couldn't, we bailed.

The image of God as I recalled that time and the image Francis Chan brought up today about Moses was not lost on me.  I know I bailed on going to the top of the mountain there in Washington.

However. . . . today. . . I have a choice.  Am I going to settle for looking up the mountain and thinking about how great it would be?  Am I going to settle for the stories that others tell me about the wondrous encounters they have had at the top of the mountain?  Am I going to commit to making the journey up the mountain despite the difficult paths that might come my way?  I guess the biggest question I need to ask myself is:  DO I WANT MORE????

Taylor & Keith made it to the top of that flat mountain - TABLE MOUNTAIN!!!!!  SO PROUD OF THEM!!!!!!

I know my mantra for this year is IMAGINE.  Am I really doing that?  Because if I am content at the bottom of the mountain, I am not imagining at all.  I am CONTENT.  I AM COMFORTABLE.  I need to grow.  I need to be more.  I need to IMAGINE all God has for me, and I cannot do that at the bottom of the mountain.  I need to meet Him at the top.  I need to meet Him!!!! I need to SEEK HIM and Scriptures tell me, I WILL FIND HIM!!!!  But I cannot rest in the present.  I need to be seeking more.  I need to be climbing the mountain.  I NEED TO GET TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN WHERE HE IS!!!!!

(To listen to Francis Chan's video - please feel free to click here)

When it's hard to imagine

As I've looked back at the past 6 weeks since the new year turned, I think about the "label" that I gave 2015.  Imagine. 

But I have to admit.  It's been hard to "imagine" these past 6 weeks.  Its been hard to think past the walls of my mind.  I've been struggling.  To get rid of the blackness.  To be rid of the winter and ice that clings to the walls of my heart.  And each day that passes, it gets more and more difficult to try to imagine.

There ARE light days.  There are days when the sun is able to peak in.  But many days its dark.  Many days the difficulties get the best of me.  Many days, the old nature takes over and I lie in the darkness thinking "I cannot imagine in this darkness. I cannot open my eyes to what might be." 

Imagining can be difficult.  You see imagining means opening my heart to the possibilities.  And opening my heart risks being hurt.  Imagining means opening my mind to other things.  And I am scared.  I am scared of becoming vulnerable and finding myself in a darker spot than the past.  I am scared of allowing myself to feel. . . to hope. . . to imagine.

But it's when I hang on to the those old dark places, that the imagining gets crushed down.  The darkness that surrounds my thoughts make it hard to imagine.  But what is imagining?  Is it holding on to something tangible?  No.  It's thinking about something that isn't.  It's hoping for something that you can't yet see.  Imagining CAN be done in the dark.  Imagining CAN be done when my heart is in a dark place.  I just have to imagine.  I just have to push away the darkness even for a minute and open my mind to the possibilities.  I just have to open the door, just a crack to let the sun start to peak in.  To let it warm the dark spots. Let it warm the icy grip that the past has on my heart and to let it start to warm even the smallest spots. 

And the days when the darkness isn't so overwhelming? Allow the sun to illuminate the joys that life brings.  Let it begin to warm my heart into a glowing ember of joy.  Of thanksgiving.  and imagine all the things that could be.

I can imagine in the dark.  And I can put my hope in the LIGHT!

Answering God's call (updated video included)

So I have had a decision placed in front of me.

I will place my response on this platform.   Please listen to this video and see what God is calling you to.

http://live.passionconferences.com/atl2-session-5/   (This was only recorded today, so it is not yet on youtube but please copy and paste into your browser to hear an incredibly powerful message from Christine Caine!!!!)


Please copy and listen to it to understand a little of my journey.


My answer is YES Lord. . . . I have decided to do the work God has called me to do.

This is the new link.  It's about an hour, but well worth it!!!! PTL!!!

(Christmas) 2014 = = = = = wiped out

So yesterday I got a call from my mom in Ontario.  She informed me she was WELL on her way to cleaning up all the decorations from the past holiday season. (Ok, truth be told I was pretty jealous!!!)  About a week ago, my son got an email from my Dad sharing that he had put away all the outside Christmas lights and the house was "back to normal".  (obviously, they don't have little ones begging, pleading, whining to keep the lights and glitz of the season glowing!!!  :-)  )

So, (with a renewed energy from my mom's motivation) after the phone call yesterday, in a fervor, when my husband had taken the kids to the pool, I madly dashed around our home, dismantling "christmas".  (You'll notice it is WITHOUT a uppercase C - because these window dressings are NOT Christmas!!!!)  I tore down the garlands, took off the shelf decorations, removed the wall decor, took down the lights (BELIEVE ME = the tree was already removed to the end of our driveway by the 28th of December!!!!) and as I scoured the walls, shelves and tables, I stood in the middle of the kitchen proud as a peacock, that I had dismantled christmas before the kids were able to come home and complain!!!!

Sure, it was all sitting down in the basement in a heap.  But upstairs?!?!!?!  There was no sign that christmas had ever happened at our house.  (And BOY OH BOY - if Keith turned on the outside lights. . . . . .not a good scene!  ;-)  )  And so, in my proud moment, I continue to pack away the remnants of the past 8 weeks.  The twinkling lights.  The sparkly garlands.  The shiny balls.  The decorative ornaments.  All. . .  packed. . . away.  Back into the darkest recesses of our basement.

And with the beads of sweat still trickling down the sides of my hairline, the truck rolled in and I quickly placed myself in front of the TV to see if anyone would notice the transition.  (You see, when I put UP the decorations, my son hadn't even opened the door and he noticed the joy and sparkle and shine of the decorations. He couldn't contain himself and was quick to announce to everyone - ITS CHRISTMAS!!!!) 

Yesterday however, it took about an hour before he commented, "Mom, why did you take down the garland around the door?". . . . . and with a sudden start, came the realization that all the holiday decorations had been removed.  But, it took my kids to tell their dad (about 4 or 5 hours later!!!!) that the decor was removed, to which he commented, "Oh ya, I guess it just looks like normal."

So all that to say. . . . . . .

What do people see in us?  When we are on the mountain top, it's easy to exude joy.  To radiate God's love and endurance.  What about when we are in the valley?  Do we quickly strip away the "decorations" and "show" people that God has "abandoned us?"  Despite the dark moments, are we still able to sing God's praises? 

Please don't misunderstand me.  I don't mean that we have to be all smiles when dark times come our ways. God gets that these are tough times!!!!  But are we still able to direct the sparkle and shine of God's love towards Him?  Are others still seeing the outwards signs that "God is in us"?  We can be sad.  We can be lonely.  We can be hurt.  We can be broken.  But we can STILL direct our praise and gratitude towards Him - the one who made us.

As Christians, we don't want to ever take down the "trimmings" of what God has done for us.  We may be fighting difficult battles, but does our heart reflect what God has done for us?  When I am going through a dark time in my battles, do I try to focus on the positives rather than the negatives?

From September to December, I went on a 100 day journey of praise.  It was so easy to say "my day stunk, but I am thankful it wasn't as stinky as other days."  Okay so not those words, but it was easy to draw negativity into what was supposed to be gratitude!!!  "I am as sick as a dog, but thankfully I am still alive."  Do you see what I mean?  It doesn't seem like drawing glory to God!!!  It doesn't  seem like we are drawing attention to the wonderful things that God has done for us.  Because THERE ARE SO MANY!!!!

As I have taken down the trimmings of our holiday, I have become acutely aware, that I do not want the glitz and glamor of a life lived for God to go away, just because we aren't celebrating His birthday.  I want EVERY DAY to be a day that we showcase the God that sent His Son to die for us.  Let's not get bogged down by the mundane things of every day.  Let's IMAGINE all the amazing things that He has yet to do through/for/with us.  Just because the decorations are gone, it doesn't mean the joy has to be gone. 

The joy is not in the trimmings.  It's what is in your heart!!!!!!!!  Is your heart full for God?  Then share it!!!!  Let's not strip down the decorations that we put up in 2014.  Let's add to them.  Let's share with others the joy of 2014 and encourage them to see all that God has prepared for us this year in 2015.  It's a good year.  It's a new year.  It's a year of God's continued  GRACE. . . . FAITHFULNESS. . . . FORGIVENESS. . . JOYFULNESS!!!! 

It's a good year.  Let's make sure others know it's because of God's great love for us!!!!

GOD IS GOOD!!!! 

~ i. m. a. g. i. n. e. ~

First of all - Happy New Year!  I trust you were able to bring in the New Year with joy and celebration.

Don't you love "do overs"?  Oh how I have often needed a do over in my life. 

I love to look at a new year as a "do over".  A fresh start.  A new adventure.  And I guess that's where the whole concept of New Year's resolutions come into play.  Do you make New Year's resolutions? I can't say they are a bad idea, but so often I have made these promises to myself because of the fact that we have a new year and with it new opportunities. 

However, I know for myself, more often than not, I have failed - and usually miserably - at those resolutions.  I think somehow when i get to that new Year, I think that magically, I am going to possess some new power that will enable me to meet this new challenge and that because of the new set of numbers on the calendar, I will somehow be able to conquer this challenge because of the new numbers.

Alas, I fail.  I have failed.  So for me, I have often started a new adventure BEFORE the new year.  I guess for me, I need to think about my resolution.  I need to make it at a time when there is no pressure.  I need to go into my new idea having given it a lot of thought.  So for me New Years isn't about new ideas or new adventures.  It's about continuing on in the strong resolutions I made the past year and trying to make them better.  Trying to do better with the things I started working on the previous year.

However, what I do like to do is give my year a name.  A label.  An "umbrella thought". And so for the past few months, I have thought and prayed about what 2015 would be for me.  In 2013, my goal was PRAYER.  It was something that God really impressed on my heart to do more of.  And through that year and this past, it has been something I have been privileged to do more of.  Coming to the Throne of God is such an honor and privilege and it has really been a source of comfort and strength to know that God has provided this way for me to talk to Him - DIRECTLY TO HIM!  Wow. . . . even typing that overwhelms me!

Last year the label I put on 2014 was BE MORE.  And in some cases, it was truthfully a be less comment!  Be more caring.  Be more thoughtful.  Be more patient etc.  As you can see that really encompassed a lot of things, but probably the biggest thing for me was be more open to what God wants of/for me.  It has been a year of growth.  One that I have seen God's hand work in so many different ways.  A year that I have felt His presence probably more intimately than ever before.  It has been a year that I have felt more in tune with Him than I ever have, yet more aware of how far I am from where I should be in my relationship with Him.  But definitely a year where I have felt more in love with Him than I ever have.

So, as I thought about what my "label" would be for this year, I thought about the past several years and the journey God has taken me on.  And I think in the past, I have always limited God in my own mind.  I either have not been open to where He would take me, or have not truly believed He could do the things He says He could and would.  I have contemplated Heaven more in the last few months than I have in a long time.  I have imagined what it will be like to sit in front of our Lord and Saviour and sing praises to Him. 

So this year, I have decided to label my year "Imagine".  Imagine all that God wants from me.  Imagine all the things God is going to accomplish through me.  Imagine the relationship that I am going to have with Him.  Imagine. . . Imagine. . . . Imagine. . . . all that He has in store for me this year.  I am excited about this label.  I am excited for all that He is going to bring me this year.  Good, difficult, stretching.  I am excited for it.  Because I know this to be true:  that whatever God brings my way, He will be walking beside me each and every step! He will be there!!!!  I know it doesn't make this an easy year necessarily.  But I know it is going to be one of growth and closer intimacy with Him.

In the book, Oh, the Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss, I love the following statement:

I do have to say the book puts a lot of emphasis on doing things on your own - under your own steam - and that's not what I'm advocating!!!  But I love this concept of looking big.  Looking for the amazing things ahead that God has for me. 

So as I start out my days in 2015, I can only imagine the things God has planned for me.  I can only get excited for the places He will take me.  It IS scary to think of what some of those places might be, but truly, I am excited.  I am fully confident that He is going to help me BE MORE this year as well.  I can only IMAGINE the things, people, places, situations that He is going to place in my path this year to help me be more of a follower for Him.

Join me won't you?  In imagining all that God has in store for us.  It's a great day to IMAGINE!!!!!