Recently one of those things that makes us unique felt like it was being challenged. For you moms out there, you know that when one of your children has been hurt - whether emotionally or physically, the momma bear claws come out and you want to protect your baby! Well recently that happened to us. Without giving you all the details, I just want to share with you what happened.
Our daughter who happens to have come to us by way of adoption (if you want, you can read about that journey here), recently felt her adoption story was being challenge. Not whether she was adopted, just the value of the actual adoption itself and the place she had in our family. She came away from a group conversation where an adult was speaking and made her feel like she didn't matter and that we only adopted her out of desperation to have a child. She was hurt and deeply affected by the comments that were made. So much so, that after the conversation, she came and talked to me about it. For those of you who know our daughter, she tends to hold feelings close to her chest and so the very fact that she shared how she had been hurt showed me just how deep this had gone.
In the following days, she and Keith and I discussed the scenario. We know that sometimes when we speak, things come out that are not intentionally hurtful. Sometimes people say things that hurt us because of lack of education on the subject. Sometimes people say things that they don't realize would even be a hurtful comment. So having thought all these things through, I decided to address the issue with our daughter's blessing.
After praying about it, we decided to share our adoption journey with this person. We wanted them to understand why the comments that were made (whether intentional or not - and we believe strongly they were not!) had hurt our daughter and made her feel awkward within her own surroundings - so much so, that she did not want to face this adult again. Unfortunately, it was not well received by this person. In the course of the conversation that ensued, my intentions were challenged, my integrity was challenged, and my Christianity was challenged. I was in tears and couldn't believe how a genuine desire to have this person understand our daughter's journey and the reason for her hurt had turned into this turmoil. I was being attacked and it didn't feel good. As I struggled through the emotions of having my intentions challenged, of being told this person had never said the things about adoption to our daughter, and of feeling like a failure for trying to have addressed the issue in the first place, I realized, that right at that moment, I had a choice. I could stay hurt and angry. I could forgive this person for the way my daughter was hurt and offended and for the way I had been hurt. So many options for a response. Ironically, just a few hours later we had our small group Bible Study and the topic of conversation was about how we as a Christian judge others and can cause hurt to others when our own lives are riddled with things we should be taking care of ourselves.
As I lay in bed last night rehashing the conversation I'd had with this person, I realized that the very thing this person had been doing to us was something I have long since struggled with.
Admitting. When. I've. Been. Wrong.
Ugh. How I have struggled with this. In our early years of marriage, I can tell you, I was never wrong. Okay, so you all know that is DEFINITELY not true. But truthfully? That is how I lived my life. Every little problem was my husbands fault. If I ever "reacted badly", I was only reacting to his load of mistakes and of course had full absolution of my behaviors! (said VERY much tongue in cheek!!!) As we worked through our early years of marriage, I sensed a trend. One I had long ago vowed I would never be like - I was incapable of saying that I was wrong. I was incapable of saying "I'm sorry" with no strings attached - no "but" that would follow those words to justify my actions. Just an admission that I had made a mistake.
As we grew in our marriage, I realized it was becoming more and more difficult to admit when I was wrong and the very person I vowed I would not be like - I had become. First of all it was not how God had called me to respond to things. And secondly, if I was supposed to be an example of who Jesus Christ was, I had failed miserably. I was reminded of this last night. I was reminded how Jesus was attacked, beaten, humiliated and yet He spoke not a word. He didn't try to justify who He was. He didn't try to stand up in His defense to clear His name. What did He do? He loved them. So much so, that He died for those very insults that had been hurled at Him. Can you imagine? He was the God of all the universe. He had never sinned. Not once. He was perfect. He was GOD! And yet, He continued. He didn't judge. He didn't wallow in the injustice of it all. What did He do? He loved those people so much that He died on a cross for them. He went to hell to cover those very sins that were committed against Him.
As I lay in bed I realized I really did have a fork in the road as far as how I would react to this situation. I had a teachable moment to share with my daughter. I could let this sit and fester in my heart causing who knows what kind of negative reactions, or I could be silent, and not judge this person and love them the way Jesus did His accusers.
Here are a few of the things in the video we watched last night that has cut through my thoughts like a knife, albeit a bit paraphrased from what we heard. 1. When I judge someone, it's likely because it's the same thing I struggle with. 2. How is their sin reflected in my life. What does God see in me that I see in the other person?
As I reflected on those thoughts, I didn't like them at all. They hit a little too close to home. I wanted to nurse those hurts that I had felt a few hours earlier. I wanted to nurse my daughter's hurts. I wanted to assure her that it was all the other persons issues - not mine. And yet, as I sat and thought about those two points, i couldn't help but realize 1. I did indeed struggle with the very issue I was seeing being portrayed to me by this person and 2. God looks at me and sees those very things in me as well. I am not without fault. It is true - what this person said to my daughter was incredibly hurtful. And when addressed couldn't admit that perhaps there was some truth to how they had hurt her. But my reaction came yes, as a momma bear, but after our conversation yesterday, became about judging. And why? Truthfully because it is something I struggle with - to admit that I was wrong. The very way that my daughter and I had been hurt by this person, was the very same issue I struggle with. I didn't like it at all. It was hurtful. It was painful to be treated this way. And I realized, that is what it feels like when I do that to my husband, my children, those around me.
And most of all, it's not what Jesus Christ exemplified to me. When He was wrongly accused, beaten, humiliated. . . He didn't speak a word in His defense. His response? Loving them. Dying for them. What's my response? Retaliation? Anger? Defiance? No, my response needs to be that of Jesus Christ. Love. Forgiveness. Understanding. Not belittling what happened to my daughter, but helping her too, to love - forgive - and understand. It's not easy. It most certainly isn't my first reaction. But another ironic thing that happened yesterday even before I had to deal with this was a quote that I came across earlier in the day.
Jesus'
was the prime example of this. Despite everything the people did to
Him, He loved them and He forgave them. He is the example I want to
follow. He is who I need to be like. I need to love like He did and I
need to forgive like He did.I am thankful for how God directs our paths. I do not think it is coincidence that I came across the hurt quote from earlier. I also don't think it was coincidence that our small group decided to go with the video about judging rather than the other option. I also don't think it was coincidence that yesterday was the day that I ended up talking to this person about all of this. I believe God had some things to show me. I believe God had some things for me to learn. And I KNOW I needed to change my attitude! So thankful that God knows exactly what I need and provides it - even before I know it!
Now to do it. . .
