The last couple of days have been rough. Rough b/c I’ve been looking in the mirror. Not at what makes me beautiful – truly beautiful, but the outside. The covering. The old, raggedy, saggedy covering.
A couple days ago, a friend of mine tagged me to post 4 pictures of myself that make me feel beautiful. Then, another friend posted a picture of her with the comment that she didn’t feel like a good friend b/c of situations in her life. Both of these posts made me tear up. Not b/c they hurt me, but b/c it made me take a really difficult look at how I see myself.
Truthfully, I can’t find 4 pictures of myself in the last 4 years or so b/c I have made sure that there are very few pictures taken of me. I might have some with my family, but none of just myself. Because, plain and simple, I really don’t like who I see in the mirror. I really don’t like me.
Then when I thought about what kind of friend I am being, again tears, b/c in so many ways I feel like I have failed in so many ways. Please don’t get me wrong. No one has made me feel that way. These are my feelings. These are the things I see, and not what others have told me.
I also saw a post recently “We all know mirrors don’t lie. . . . I’m just thankful they don’t laugh.” It was meant to be funny, but it struck me that it was too close to the truth about how I felt – okay feel! I’m afraid my mirror would just shake it’s head in disgust.
I read Psalm 139 over and over again. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I read Ephesians how I am God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus. I KNOW these things but how do I resist the urge to listen to Satan’s voice in my head that I am none of these things? I see the weight gain and know that it is from medications and steroids I need to be on for health reasons, but it just makes me ashamed of who I have become. I know that the outside is not who I am inside, but truthfully, if I don’t like myself on the outside, it’s hard to love the inside.
I know there are those of you who know how I feel. You’ve felt those very things. And when you feel them, you aren’t looking for confirmation from others. Because, like me, you know you are good at things. I know I’m a good piano teacher. I know I am a great cook. I know I am a good mom (well, most of the time). I know I have lots of good qualities. We don’t dispute that. It’s just that I don’t FEEL it. I know God has created me to be this way. I know God loves me just the way I am. But how do I get that head knowledge to coincide with my heart?
Someone else recently requested prayer for her relationship with her kids. That she would be able to take the next several days and just pour praise into her kids b/c it was something she wasn’t feeling at the moment.
Can I be so bold as to ask you to pray for me? I’m praying that the things that I know to be true about who I am as a woman in Christ, will somehow meet with my feelings and I can get my head and heart in synch. And please. Let me know if you are struggling with those same thoughts. Because I’d love to pray for you!
And believe me. I know it’s not easy to say these things out loud. To admit when you are in a dark place like this. I know the things/thoughts I’m feeling these days are not Godly, but rather lies from Satan. So I’m praying that as we progress into fall, my head will join my heart and say thanks to God for who He has made me. Weight/hair and all. Because my value in Christ doesn’t come from those outward things. It’s who I am inside and that’s what counts.
I’m praying that the beauty God sees in me is what I can see in myself.
