Forgiving. . . . sort of. . . .

I have been thinking and reading a lot about forgiveness lately.  A few situations have arisen as of late that required me to request forgiveness, but also to extend forgiveness to others.

When I first started this blog, it was one of the things I was struggling with the most.  Forgiveness and what it means.  What it meant to me.  How it affected me and my life.  How my forgiveness affected others. You can read about my thoughts here - forgiveness. 

Recently I found myself thinking about what an apology looked like, and how the words I'm sorry can be said in so many different ways.  Someone might offer an apology that really isn't an apology.  And as I thought about two little words that made a world of difference in an apology, I realized that I have done this many, many times when I have "apologized" for something.

Here they are - the two small words that make a world of difference in an apology.  Two words that make an apology a genuine selfless acknowledgement, or that can change it to not being an apology at all!

IF and THAT

Those two little words can take an apology from an admission of guilt, to word spoken still out of defiance, but made to look like an apology.  Think about it.  If you were to hear this from someone:

I'm sorry THAT I hurt your feelings.  

That statement takes ownership of the action.  It is admission that you were wrong.  You are truly admitting that there was an error on your part and you are requesting forgiveness for the issue.  However, if you hear this:

I'm sorry IF I hurt your feelings.

Well, that is a completely different sentiment. There's no admission of the actual act.  There is no acknowledgement of any wrong doing.  It is simply an IF you did something wrong, or hurtful or whatever the case may be.  The words "I'm sorry" are in the statement, but truthfully the statement does not take ownership of what has happened.

As I thought about these two little words, I have realized how often I think I have spoken the word IF in my apologies.  And quite truthfully, there is a level of defiance in those kind of "apologies".  I will apologize, but seriously, I am NOT willing to make an admission of guilt.  I do not want to acknowledge that I did anything wrong.  I'll say IF when I say the words I'm sorry because apologizing is the right thing to do, but I sure don't want to acknowledge that I am wrong.

Do you see the difference?  Changing that one little word in an apology makes a world of difference.  It shows the contrite heart when you use the word that instead of if. 

One thing that we have often shared with our kids is to not tack on the word BUT after an apology.  That is another word that changes the tone of an apology BIG time.  I'm sorry for hurting you, but. . . .   The word but after an apology is an attempt to justify the reason for your mistake, for your actions.  If the apology is genuine, there should be no need to justify your action because the apology is taking ownership of the offending action and there COULD be no justification since the action was wrong.

As I've thought about the whole concept of forgiveness, I enjoyed reading through the various scriptures that speak about forgiveness.  First and foremost, I am grateful for God's unending forgiveness.  But even more, I am thankful for the example that He has left with us on how to forgive.

In Micah, the verses read as follows:

Micah 7:18-19

Who is a God like you, who pardons sin and forgives the transgression of the remnant of his inheritance? You do not stay angry forever but delight to show mercy.  You will again have compassion on us; you will tread our sins underfoot and hurl all our iniquities into the depths of the sea.

Not only does God completely forgive any of our messes, but He DELIGHTS to show mercy.  Wow!  That's powerful to me.  So often I tell my kids I forgive them, but truthfully, I still want to make their lives a little difficult to show that I didn't like their actions. (I know - vindictive - not a quality I'm proud of and not a quality that exemplifies God's forgiveness of me!!!) But God, well He doesn't do that.  Not to say that our actions don't have consequences.  They do, but quite truthfully, we don't get any of those consequences the way we truly deserve!!!  Because actually, we deserve the punishment of hell because of our actions.  BUT, God in His mercy allowed His Son to become a man, come down to earth and DIE FOR ME!!!!  WOW!  Sometimes that very thought just blows me away.

No matter what I have done, or will do, Jesus already died for that.  What mercy!!! What LOVE!  What an example for me to follow.  The example of extending forgiveness is incredible. 

So as I've thought about forgiveness, I've sat in awe at the magnitude of God's love for me.  And you can bet I will be saying to Him, sorry THAT I have messed up again and not IF.  And I certainly won't be qualifying my actions!

But not only that, in extending my forgiveness to others, it must be done with the same heart, and attitude that God has forgiven me.  Endless.  Without strings.  Out of love.  All those things.  I must forgive others in the same way as He has forgiven me.

What an example.

What an expression of love.