From WHY God to PRAISE God! (Abraham Moment #2)

Over the years, God has always been a constant presence in my life.  For the most part I have never waivered away from my walk with God, but like most, I have had times when I have wandered a little further away from my relationship than what I should have.  Times when my walk with Him was in name only and not so much in action.  On the other hand, there have been many times when my walk has been so powerful and close that it was as 2nd nature to me as breathing.  So my walk has had it’s highs and lows.  I can honestly say that the lows were always my own doing, and the highs were completely God’s doing.  Sometimes it took God to completely shake up my world to get me to realize just how much I needed him and other times, it was a gradual decline, until one day I would realize how far I had gotten away from Him and then gradually work my way back into that day to day, minute to minute relationship.

I want to share with you about one of those times (and when I say times I mean the year or more that it took me to get on track!!!) because again, it is one of those Abraham moments that I have had in my life – even though I didn’t necessarily recognize it as such when I was walking through it.

I know I have shared this story before, but it is such a defining moment in my “mid-life” that it has really shaped me into who I am today.

As both my kids entered into elementary school, the thought about “what I would do with my life” started to develop.  I knew I would have my days free and with two growing kids, Keith & I came to the realization that I would in fact have to get back into the work force.  Before children I was working at Red Rock Bible Camp as the office manager which I did for 7 years after we moved to Steinbach, due to Keith’s accident.  (You can read about that journey here.) When I left the camp ministry in 2001, we had made application to adopt and subsequently ended up having two precious miracles added to our lives.  Taylor through adoption, and Peyton by a surprise birth. So for about 7 or 8 years I had not been working outside the home, and when it came time to get back into the workforce I was petrified!!

Step in ... God!  Through a couple conversations with people, I was encouraged to see if there were any job openings at the Preschool that both our kids had attended, which was run by the church we were attending.  Long story short, I got accepted and jumped back into the world of working for pay!  I spent several wonderful years at the preschool resulting in some amazing friendships with the ladies I worked with, and relationship with kids who I still have contact with to this day!  However, in the back of my mind was the thought that I would one day love to return to camping ministry.  That was something God had placed on my heart many years ago, and I just assumed that is where He would ultimately have me end up.

In June or 2012, my sister Wendy had come to visit and I was showing her around Steinbach.  I took her to the preschool and introduced her to my friend and director there, and on our way home, drove by the Red Rock office to show her where I had worked before we had kids.  I told her that day, “In my dream world, I would get to go back Red Rock and be the office manager there again.”  I loved my job at the preschool, but just thought God would take me back to camp.  We headed back home, and so I went to my office and checked my emails, and to my shock, there was an email from the Director at the camp letting all the alumni know that the Office Manager position would be available that fall.  I was stunned!!!  Shocked!!!  I couldn’t believe I had just shared this with Wendy, and not more than 5 minutes after voicing it to her, I found out that the very position which I had been dreaming about was in fact available. 

I can tell you, my stomach was in knots!! Was this a sign?  Should I follow my dream?  But I had a perfectly wonderful job at the preschool that I loved.  With people I loved working with! Why would I leave it?  So I prayed. Keith prayed. And we had several other people pray with us for a week to really be open to where God was leading me.  Yes, it was my dream.  But was it God’s direction?  After a week of praying and seeking counsel, Keith & I decided that I would approach Kim, the camp director, to let him know that I would be interested in returning to the office manager position.  I had worked for Kim during the seven years previous, not to mention that he was a close friend, so I was pretty excited to tell him that I was interested.  In the end, I was accepted back to the position, with training to start that summer.  It was not easy letting go of my teaching position at the preschool, and the thought of the job not going well at the camp was one of my biggest fears.  What if I was letting go of a job I loved at the preschool, only to have this new one fail?  But I clung to the knowledge that we had prayed through the decision, as had the camp, and so we trusted that this was all a part of what God would have for me.

During the month of July, I started retraining for the office manager, and quickly realized that things were not the same as what they had been when I to be when I had worked there.  SO much had changed in the 10+ years that I had been gone!  But I forged ahead, quickly realizing that I was also very different than I had been 10 years ago.  Within a month I realized that I did not handle stress very well!  And the job was much more difficult than I had anticipated!  The changes that the camp had gone through were much bigger than I thought and nothing seemed the same.  After several weeks, I began to wonder why God had allowed me to get this job, when I so evidently was failing at it.  I began to doubt Him.  The stress and anxiety I felt was overwhelming.  I would come home at nights and sink into bed and cry.  I was unable to sleep, eat, or care for my family.  And my relationship with God became a series of cries WHY GOD?  After 3 months of trying to make things work at the job I had dreamed of going back to, of the job I was SO SURE God had led me to, for my own health and that of my family, I had to quit.  I was devastated.  The worst-case scenario that had gone through my head four months earlier was now playing out in my life.  I couldn’t believe it.  I couldn’t believe how God had let me down.  I had sought His direction.  I had prayed about it – more than any other decision in my entire life.  And here I was.  Broken.  A failure.  A mess.  Forsaken by God. 

For several months, I spiraled into a deep depression, struggling with anxiety, panic attacks, sleeplessness, suicidal thoughts etc. and many, many awful months of despair.  These were some of the darkest awful days and nights of my life. 

At one point, I just felt I couldn’t go on.  It was not worth it.  God had abandoned me.  And it was better off for my family, if I wasn’t there.  I was of no use to them anyway.  And the very thing that I had done to follow God – seeking Him out in my decision – had failed me. 

It was at some point during these dark days that Keith had shared with his boss about what I was going through.  Because the truth was, Keith had prayed those same prayers of direction from God, and this is where it had ended.  Thankfully His boss (an amazing Godly man!) shared with Him an incredible concept that changed my life.  And still does to this day.  He said, “God calls us to obey Him.  And that’s all.  If you obeyed Him, then leave the rest to Him.”  I had obeyed God, and slowly I started to realize that I had had my own agenda for God.  Today, I don’t doubt for a moment that I was supposed to be at Red Rock for those few months.  You see, God had bigger plans for me. 

I had taken my Abraham step.  BUT I thought I knew where God was going to take me.  I thought I had God all figured out.  I thought that by obeying God and following His direction, I would live out my working days at the camp.  However, that was not God’s plan.  I followed His prompting.  BUT I created my own agenda for God.  What I didn’t know at that time was that God was preparing me for bigger things.  Things that I would NEVER have been able to do without stepping away from the Preschool.  And God knew that the only way I would be able to make the decision to leave the preschool was for me to go back to what I thought my dream job was.  And the only way I would ever be able to let go of what I thought was dream job was, was to let me go back into it to realize that the job was not the same as when I’d had it 10+ years earlier. 

All because God had a different plan for me.

God wanted me to be a piano teacher! 

And I can honestly say that if I had stayed at the preschool, I don’t think there is any way I would have left that job to become a piano teacher.  God needed to take me through those necessary dark days, those difficult moments, to bring me to the moments of joy that I get to experience with my piano students every week.  The music that I get to help bring into the homes of my piano students is so fulfilling and joy bringing to me!  And I would never have been able to do that if I had not taken that initial step of following God’s prompting to leave the Preschool.  Granted in this story, I kinda made it about my steps after I sought God, but in the end, He helped me to see that He had bigger things for me.  He knew the joy that would fill my days listening to students’ music, but also being able to listen to their stories about their days and being able to bring a smile to their hearts and days after a tough school day, or a difficult morning.  These are all things that God brought me to because I took that step of obedience.  That Abraham moment.  God got me to take that first step.  And it was painful.  It was incredibly sad letting go of a dream of going back to camp.  I spent many tough, dark days after that Abraham moment.  But once again, God blessed it.  And thankfully, God has given me brighter days.  Days filled with children’s laughter.  Days filled with music.  Days filled with JOY! 

I am often reminded about the nugget that Eric shared with Keith all those years ago.  Obey God.  And let HIM do the rest.  If we are obeying God, then we need to leave the results up to Him.  Things won’t always go the way we expect.  It may hurt.  It may hurt a lot.  It may get dark.  BUT, armed with the knowledge that God was in it?  We do not have to doubt that He will take us through it to something beautiful.

Broken to Beautiful (Abraham Moment #1)

So….. I have been wrestling with getting back into writing this blog, and particularly struggling somewhat with sharing what’s been on my heart.  This past Sunday I was praying that I would have a very clear direction as to whether or not I should go ahead and share my story and believe it or not, Pastor Kent made a small but poignant statement in his sermon this Sunday “If you have a story, SHARE IT!”  I could not argue with that! So I hope you will bear with me as I venture down some rabbit holes to get to the main story that I want to share with you.

Although, having decided to share it, I still had no idea how to jump into it.  You see, our family has been on a crazy journey this past year and while I do want to share with you how God has worked and done more miracles in our lives, it is a journey that is difficult to share and put into words.  (This will be part one of ?)

So, I think I will go back many years and start there.  Because long before this past year happened, God had already been working in me and showing me things about Himself that I needed to know and experience to help me through the waters I was supposed to walk through years later.

Over the years, there have been a handful of times that I remember God speaking very clearly to me.  I wouldn’t say they were audible, but times where I could not dispute that it was God’s calling or nudging me forward to do something.  I can honestly say that without a doubt they were always things that I truthfully did not want to do, but that God was very clearly pushing me through.

The first time was when I was 18 years old.

What some of you may not know is that growing up I came from a pretty strict home.  Dating was not an option for any of us, and so when a boy I liked, approached my parents to see if he would be allowed to take me out on a date, I was terrified.  I was SURE my parents would say no but I guess since I was in my grade 12 high school year, with plans to complete Grade 13 (something Ontario students had the option of doing back in the 80’s) my parents didn’t see the harm in it (or more than likely, they just gave in!! LOL)  He was a Godly boy whose family knew our family and so I think my parents felt comfortable knowing they knew him and the standards he and his family held.

After dating for over a year, I was making plans to head to Bible College in Saskatchewan.  I was very much in love, but planned to go to Bible College and head back home the next spring to plan my future.  A few months before I left for Bible College I started to wrestle with a thought God was placing in my mind – that the future that I was planning with my boyfriend was not what God was planning for my future.

The previous summer, I had been sponsored by Conestoga Bible Camp to attend a Leadership Training Camp at Bark Lake Leadership & Conference Center.  While I was there, I had one of the most profound encounters with God in my whole life.  My friend Roxanne and I had been sitting outside under rain ponchos during a thunder and lightening storm.  This Leadership Camp was not a Christian camp and by the time this storm happened, she and I were incredibly lonely and were missing our families, friends and Christian connections very much.  So there, in the pouring rain, with thunder pounding and lightening flashing, we sang How Great Thou Art and worshiped God like I have never experienced again.  It was an incredible spiritual experience for me, one where I could almost tangibly feel the presence of God.  After that Leadership camp experience, I felt so strongly that God was calling me to do camp ministry.  Once the summer was done, I pushed that feeling aside, and proceeded to complete my Grade 13 year.  However, during that year, the feeling that God was calling me into camp ministry did not subside. In fact, it got increasingly stronger.  Of course, during this time, I was also growing in my relationship with my boyfriend, who I knew did not have this same calling.  In fact, he very much felt God calling him to work with his home church, to grow, nurture and lead that church.  I remember chatting about my struggle with him, but since we were both heading to separate Bible Colleges, didn’t spend a lot of time exploring it. In my own mind, I knew I was in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but also knew that we seemed to be on two separate paths as to where God was calling us.  Once settled into Bible College, the draw to camp ministry continued to get stronger and stronger and it was shortly after my 19th birthday that I couldn’t ignore what God was asking of me.  Will you choose Me (God) or choose what you (Sharon) want?  I can easily say that this was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made in my entire life.  Knowing I was breaking hearts, my own included, to follow a direction that I knew God was calling me to but feeling like I was giving up everything I wanted and loved.  I agonized for many days over what I knew God was calling me to do, but what my heart didn’t want to do.  And I can say this was one of my first Abraham moments in my life.  Listening to God’s calling to do something I honestly had no desire to do, nor any understanding of in that moment.  And I can say that breaking up with my boyfriend was one of the most difficult things I’ve done.  And truthfully, there were many, many times after that, that I questioned God.  I knew I had made the right decision, but I knew I was devastated and other than knowing I was doing what God had asked of me, there was no “amazing light moment” or endless joy after making that decision.  Obviously looking back on that, I can see how God was prompting me to follow Him because the 12+ years I did spend involved in the camping ministry at Red Rock Bible Camp would never have happened.  I would never have met my husband.  I would never have my two beautiful miracle children. And the list goes on.  But I can tell you in the moment, I could not understand God. I could understand the pain I was feeling.  The grief and loss of the dreams I’d had.  And yet, I had chosen to follow His prompts.

But what this all boils down to is that when God tells us to do something, we need to follow His prompting.  He hasn’t promised that it will be easy.  He hasn’t promised it will be all smooth.  He hasn’t even always shown us what’s at the end.  But I can promise you that it will be worth it.  Oh, the pain was awful.  And the grief I felt about giving that relationship back to God stayed with me for years.  The guilt I felt at times was consuming.  But God honoured my decision to choose Him.  And while I didn’t know why at first?  Over the following years, He showed me that He had indeed called me to camping ministry.  And the decision I made to follow Him at the expense of my own desires, proved that God was and is faithful.  That God is in control.  That God is sovereign, and He sees and knows the bigger plan.

So, this was my first real “Abraham Moment” that I have experienced, and I can’t wait to share more with you.  They all lead up to where God has been taking me/our family to this year, and how yet again, God proved to me that when I just do as He asks, as painful as it is perhaps in that very moment, that He is there, and He is beside me the whole time.  And He brings the joy at the end. It might not always look the way I had envisioned it to look. But He brings me to the place that He wants me to be my best at.  Sometimes those journeys are painful.  Sometimes they might not seem like they have an end.  Sometimes we might not know "the why" for years to come.  But I can promise that no matter what. . . NO MATTER WHAT. . . being in God's will. . . following His prompting is worth it.  no. matter. what.

Deuteronomy 4:39

Know therefore today, and take it to your heart, that the LORD, He is God in heaven above and on the earth below; there is no other.

Silent Saturday

Today is the middle day of Easter.  Saturday.  The day that very little is written about it but so much must have gone on.  I am trying to imagine what it must have been like on that Saturday.  For the disciples.  For Mary – Jesus mother.  For Jesus Himself.  For Satan.  For God the Father.

Can you imagine the disciples?  Here the man they had followed for the last several years, who claimed to be their Messiah – the long awaited one – was now dead.  He’d been killed and while Jesus Himself had predicted this, I cannot imagine the agony and disbelief they must have felt.  The day after.  They must have been angry.  They must have felt deceived.  I bet they questioned every little thing they had heard Jesus tell them and yet wondered at all the signs and miracles He had performed.  Did they believe His message?  Were they trying to reconcile in their own minds that Jesus was the Messiah but now He was gone?

What about Mary?  I can only try to imagine the agony she must have felt at loosing her son.  Beyond the fact the He was the Son of God.  Her baby.  Her first born gone.  Yes, I believe she understood who He was.  I believe she got – likely more than most – that He was the Messiah.  The one who had been promised so many years before.  But to her, Jesus was her boy.  Her baby.  Her cherished child.  And now he was gone.  Did she believe that He would be resurrected?  I can imagine that she would have believed that in the end Jesus would have been spared death.  That if He truly was the Son of God that He would be spared the brutality He experienced.  That in the end despite that brutality, death would not touch Him.  But she witnessed with her own eyes her son’s death.  She saw His limp body being taken down off the cross.  She knew he was gone.  The agony she must have felt on this Silent Saturday!!!

And what about Jesus?  Jesus was in Hell.  He was experiencing the agony that we should experience.  He was going through everything that we would have had to go through, except for the fact that Jesus was taking it on Himself.  I really don’t know and can’t even begin to imagine what He was going through after His death.  I don’t know enough about Hell to try to conjure up images of what Jesus was enduring.  But I know enough to know that it was awful.  For the Son of God to go through what He was.  For me.  For all of us.  What love.  What agony.  But what a gift!!! 

And what about Satan.  I think He must have been beside himself with delight.  In his mind he had conquered God.  He had finished what he set out to do – by destroying Jesus.  He must have been ecstatic.  Probably sitting back in disbelief thinking how on earth did I accomplish this?  What now?  I’ve done what I set out to do?  He must have thought that he was now better than God because he had taken down God’s Son.  What a fool.  What a mistake.  What complete failure!!

And for God the Father. . . Watching His Son be brutalized and die.  And then know the most awful thing He was enduring – Hell.  To know that He allowed Jesus to go through all that suffering and to experience Hell because Jesus loved His people so much.  I often wonder – how much more God the Father must love us.  Because He ALLOWED Jesus to sacrifice Himself for US – for ME.  I sometimes try to imagine the conversation between the Father and Jesus.  When Jesus said that He wanted to die for us.  What must God have said?  NO WAY!!!  They made their own mistakes.  They need to pay for their own sins.  You’ve done nothing wrong.  I imagine Jesus pleading on our behalf with God.  Telling Him just how much He loves us and how He didn’t want us to have to go through the torture of Hell and how He wanted to take that on for us.  I imagine what love God had for Jesus and what love He must have for us to allow His Precious Son to go through the torture and ultimate depths of Hell – for me.  For us.  And on that Silent Saturday.  As He thought on the agony that His Precious Son was going through.  He knew Jesus would rise again and be with Him, but He also knew everything that Jesus was taking on for us.  I can’t imagine the anguish God the Father must have been feeling for us.  (I realize I am humanizing God and trying to put human qualities on a God that cannot be humanized.  Please forgive me if you find that offensive.  I am only trying to understand – something I never will fully be able to do on this side of Heaven – what transpired that day.)

 

So on this Silent Saturday, I sit staring up into the cold blue sky thinking about that day.  Thinking about what all transpired on that Saturday between Jesus’ death, and His resurrection. Thinking of what that Saturday must have been like for all involved.  Thinking about the agony, the despair, the awfulness that must have been experienced on that day.  And I wonder.   This all happened for me.  This all started because Jesus loved me so much.  I am the reason.  I am the one Jesus loved so much that He was willing to go through all of it.  I am the one that God saw and said “Yes.  I am willing to let my Son die – for her.”  What a gift.  What a treasure.  What amazing grace.

So on this Silent Saturday.  What will I do with this gift?  What will I do with this grace?  What will I do with this treasure Jesus has gifted to me?  Will I honour Him?  Will I give my Life back to Him?  Will I boldly share with others about this gift that they too can receive?  On this Silent Saturday, I challenge you to take a look at your life, as I am doing today, to search silently within the quietness of your own heart and see if yours is right with Jesus.  See if what you are doing brings glory and honour to the One who laid down His life for you. 

“Be Still and know that I am God.”  On this Silent Saturday, lets think about what Jesus did for us, and what we can do for Him.

May you have a blessed Easter as you contemplate what this Gift means to you!!