Valu(able)?

~ my goal for 2014 is bringing back the joy.  2013 was a difficult year for me.  i struggled through a deep, dark depression, struggled with coming to grips with anxiety and panic attacks, i struggled through the loss of a job, i struggled through the break down (and repair!) of my marriage among all the other day to day issues that tend to creep up.

~ needless to say, while i have always struggled with this, i started to doubt my own identity.  i struggled with my own self worth.  i struggled with looking only at the failures i was or had encountered, rather than at the positives.  i looked at my own self worth by what i had or had not accomplished.  i saw all the things i wasn't and i saw all the things i wish i was.

~ having struggled with depression, i started out on antidepressants and in the process, gained significant weight and saw myself as ugly and a big fat loser.  having struggled with anxiety and panic attacks, i struggled to be out in public and in groups of people, so i saw myself as a loser - inferior to those around me.  ~ having struggled with losing my job and with issues in my marriage, i started to see myself as a failure, as completely incompetent.

~ as you can see, satan was having so much victory in my life.  after several months with a wonderful, godly counselor, i was able to come back from those difficult days and on most days gain victory over those lies.  i was realizing how satan was using a truth (YES i was overweight for example) but he was twisting it to make me believe that i was a failure.  obviously, this was not god's view of me.  

~ recently, i have watched as my 12 (almost 13!) year old daughter, has struggled with how she sees herself.  if she has lots of friends, she thinks that makes her valuable.  if she wears the perfect makeup, she finds value in that.  if she has just the perfect outfit, she feels that makes her valuable etc.  

~ this week i started reading Lysa TerKeurst's book called MADE TO CRAVE (satisfying your deepest desires with god).  what a timely book.  as i have struggled over the last year trying to determine what give me value, i KNOW in my heart of hearts it is only god that gives me value.  everything else will falter.  i have tried to share this with my daughter as well, and we have decided to take on this journey together.  in the very first chapter, there is a "takeaway" note that reads as follows:  "Like every other girl, you have a craving for acceptance, comfort, and provision - and it was put there by God, to be satisfied by Him alone."  WOW.  did she every put that right.  

~ so taylor and i are on a quest to see if we can find our value in god alone.  sure we like our fashion, our friends, our style.  but this next little mini journey, we are going to work on being able to find our value in god and god alone.  what brings me joy?  is it stable or not?  truly only god is stable.  our friends may change, our styles my not add up to those around us, our fashion may become a faux pas.  but GOD - god will remain our constant.  

~ Ephesians 2:10 English Standard Version (ESV)

10 For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

years ago when i was in Bible school, i did a study on this verse and found that the word "workmanship" in the original is the word "poiema" which means POEM!  we are god's poem.  a poet writes down their most intimate words, feelings and creates a poem.  THAT IS WHAT WE ARE TO GOD!!!!!  so for us to be putting our value in fashion, friends, things. . . wow . . . what a mistake.  our VALUE comes from how god sees us . . . without all those extra things.  our value comes from god. . . he created us in his own image . . . THAT is our value.  that is what makes us incredible.  and when we put ourselves down because of other things, we are destroying god's intent of the poem.  we are making up verses that he did not create.  he created us out of his utmost love for us - and that is what gives us our value!!

~  Taylor & I are just starting on our journey through Made to Crave and i am excited to see where it goes.  won't you join us?  you'll find Lysa's book online here http://www.amazon.ca/Made-Crave-Young-Women-Satisfying/dp/031072998X/ref=sr_1_6?ie=UTF8&qid=1388769747&sr=8-6&keywords=made+to+crave   

or in many other spots.  join us on our journey to be able to find our value in GOD alone!!!

Chilly with a chance of JOY!

today as i clean up from the  trimmings of the holiday season, i've made several trips up and down the stairs, packing away, cleaning up and ultimately doing load after load of laundry.  as i make my trek up and down, i watch as the steam billows from the exhaust of my laundry vent.  it creates weird and wonderful formations on the outside of our home.

here in manitoba, the second day of the year brings us -33C temperatures, but our home is a cozy 21C.  that's a 54 degree difference!!!  every time i see the steam billowing up in front of the window, i am overcome with gratitude.  for many things, but at the moment gratitude for a warm home - of which i am well aware there are so many who don't have that blessing.

another blessing was time spent with friends.  yesterday we had a wonderful time with friends who also have a multi cultural family as we do.  this morning i was reveling in the joy of having spent time with them, when my very grouchy nine year old burst my joy bubble.  too many late nights, and too many early mornings had made for a very grumpy boy!  at that very moment (and throughout the rest of this morning) i had so many opportunities to respond with a chilly retort to comments he was making or attitudes he was displaying.  

and as i watching the steam escape from my dryer vent i realized i had a decision. was i going to allow my warm fuzzy joy that i was feeling escape and fizzle into a frozen response or was i going to hang on to the blessings god had provided me with and focus on that?  how easy it would have been to just let it all evaporate into nothing and take on that chilly persona that so easily overtakes me at times.  thankfully god granted me the peace to chat through my son's chilly responses and turn it into something positive, but it certainly gave me pause to think about what my responses would be this year.

will the joy that god provides me, take over, or will i allow my heart to become chilly and frozen, freezing out those around me. . .   i truly hope it is the warmth of god's love that takes over and that each time the temperature might want to drop in my heart, that i will let gods love warm me and take over.

Happy New Year

Happy new year friends!

Trusting and praising God with you as we jump head first into 2014.  May you be blessed by these words:

Psalm 138

Living Bible (TLB)

138 Lord, with all my heart I thank you. I will sing your praises before the armies of angels.[a] 2 I face your Temple as I worship, giving thanks to you for all your loving-kindness and your faithfulness, for your promises are backed by all the honor of your name.[b] 3 When I pray, you answer me and encourage me by giving me the strength I need.

4 Every king in all the earth shall give you thanks, O Lord, for all of them shall hear your voice. 5 Yes, they shall sing about Jehovah’s glorious ways, for his glory is very great. 6 Yet though he is so great, he respects the humble, but proud men must keep their distance. 7 Though I am surrounded by troubles, you will bring me safely through them. You will clench your fist against my angry enemies! Your power will save me. 8 The Lord will work out his plans for my life—for your loving-kindness, Lord, continues forever. Don’t abandon me—for you made me.

Good Bye. . .

. . . 2013!!!  I am not sorry to see you go. 

i  am thankful, however, for all the lessons learned this past year, but excited for the new ones that will be learned in 2014.   it is true. . . . lesson learning is usually a "ripping and stripping" process that, for me, tends to take way longer than what i think it should - but also that is way more difficult than i think it should be - however, as the old saying goes, no pain, no gain, right?

i wish it were not so.  i wish i were much quicker at learning lessons.  i wish once i learned them, they would STICK because all too often it seems that i have 'learned' the lesson before, but am back at the same spot all to soon because i apparently have to 'relearn' it!!  

but i guess that is my sinful, human nature.

i am striving to make 2014 better - with more lessons learned - but more lessons stuck! maybe this year i will learn a lesson and be able to have it stick just a little longer.

do i make new year's resolutions? sometimes. . . but what i do find is that the end/beginning of a year is a great time to evaluate the last 12 months.  how did it go?  what did i accomplish?  what lessons did i learn?  what lessons stuck?  so as i go into 2014, i am not looking at 2013 with regret.  i am not looking at it in terms of where i failed.  i am not going to look at it with a negative attitude.  

rather - i am choosing to look at the positive things that happened.  the joys that became mine this year.  the lessons learned - and stuck. .  but even the lessons learned that became unstuck - and resolve to make them stick in 2014.

i am choosing to look back and see all the incredible blessings god has granted to me this past year - and trust him for more to come.  

my 3 greatest blessings are truly my two amazing miracle children, and my amazing miracle husband.  some time i might just have to share with you those miracle journeys as well. 

happy new year to all my friends and family.  may you experience god in a completely new way this year, and may you look back on 2013 and see all the goodness he has blessed you with.

(and on a side note - HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my amazing mom.  wishing you so many joys this year - thanking and praising god for all the things you do for us.  and while we may not see you as often as we'd like, we are truly thankful for the times we have been able to be with you this year.  i love you so much!!!)

Monday's Musings - thoughts on FORGIVENESS

* as i sit and think about the past year and try to compact the things that i have learned, i think i can say the biggest thoughts/changes have been that of forgiveness.  for so many years, i saw forgiveness as forgetting what had happened in the past and just ignoring it.  but as i have looked more and more into what forgiveness is, i am realizing that i had a completely wrong perception of what forgiveness was

* i saw forgiveness as something i was doing/giving to another person.  it is in fact, something i am doing for myself.  a gift i am giving to myself.  a gift of freedom and release to and for myself.  here are some of the thoughts, quotes and meanderings that i have accumulated about forgiveness over the past several months

~ forgiveness does NOT require an apology (or another person). RECONCILIATION requires another person.

~ "Forgiveness is giving up my right to get even"  charles stanley

~  Forgiveness is a promise not a feeling.  When you forgive other people, you are making a promise to yourself not to use their past against them.

~  Forgiveness doesn't excuse their behaviour.  Forgiveness prevents their behaviour from destroying YOUR heart.

~ "Forgiveness is giving up your right to hold someone accountable for their sin against you.  It DOESN'T mean that you are letting them off the hook.  It means that you are setting yourself free from the pain and anger that has connected you to them for so long.  When you choose to forgive, it does not mean you will forget what happened, rather it means that the event will no longer have the same emotional control over you that it used to have.  Forgiveness releases the power of God to bring healing into the wounded places of your heart."  Grant Mullen from the book EMOTIONALLY FREE

~ you forgive someone for YOU - for YOUR benefit, not for them.

I can't say that this has been an easy process.  and i still struggle with thinking that forgiveness means "it's all better and fixed" because it doesn't.  it just means that i am not letting the black ugliness of the situation take hold of my present life.  

*  i want to live in the joy of right now, rather than in the pain of the past.

* just some thoughts i wanted to share with you and i mused about the past and the future. . . 

blessings on your day - and may you find forgiveness in the situations you find yourself in today

Break over!

as this  year ~2013~ draws to a close, I have been looking back on the past year and all that i have been through.  Seems amazing that it is the end of the year, and i have come out better for all that i've been through.  haven't blogged since may, and that is a sure sign of where my life has been.  wanting to be closed in.  wanting to be private.  wanting to hide the pain away from others.  wanting to protect my shell, the walls that i have built over the years.

but today, i purpose to share some of those journeys that i have been on over the past little while.  

journeys that included painful moments.  

journeys that included a stripping down of my comfort zone.  

journeys of admissions of failures.

journeys filled with joy.

journeys filled with pain, anger humiliation, yet

journeys filled with growth and healing and forgiveness.

journeys filled with a search for joy

journeys filled with a deeper understanding of my relationship with jesus


i am excited about this path of renewal that i feel i am on.  i am excited about the path of growth and stretching that i am on.  

so join me if you care, to hear about the moments, thoughts and journeys that god has taken me through this past year - a year of stretching and growth - but a year that i wouldn't change for anything - as i look forward to a new and exciting year in 2014