LOST: My identity

You're likely thinking by the title that I'm having a midlife crisis. . . you may be right, although unfortunately I'm way past midlife.  At 46 1/2 years old, I have started asking myself this question:  WHO AM I?

For 20+ years, I was daughter of John & Gretha.  Then I became wife to Keith.  Then Mom to Taylor and Peyton.  And here I sit in the quietness of my house thinking. . . but who am I really?  Being a mom and wife can be all consuming.  As a woman, we tend to be nurturers.  We pour ourselves into the people that we have around us, whether it's our husband's, children, other family members around us.  We tend to be givers.  We tend to put others needs before our own needs.  (Don't get me wrong, I'm as selfish as they come at times - I'm not saying I'm a saint in that department!!!)  But in general, we try to take care of the needs of others.  I believe God has created us that way.  I think it is a gift we have that is an incredible honor to have.

HOWEVER, sometimes I think that we as women tend to forget about ourselves.  I truly think that as women, we treat others way better than we treat ourselves.  In fact, if we stood back and looked at how we treat ourselves, we would never dare treat another person like that.  And suddenly when the nest is empty, or at least when the little ones are sprouting their own wings, we are suddenly left with the question, now what?  We stand in front of the mirror and really barely recognize the person staring back.  And I'm not talking about the extra pounds we might see that have somehow appeared over the last 20 years (and believe me - they ARE staring back at me these days!!) but I'm talking about the person inside of us.  The heart of me.

Who am I?  What do I really think about myself?  As I was thinking about these questions these past few months, I was continually brought back to a book called Codependent No More by Melody Beattie.  If you find yourself looking in the mirror wondering how you got to be the person you are today, this is a really incredible book. I went through it with my counselor this past summer and it really opened my eyes to how I was treating others and how I was treating myself.  AMAZING book!!!

One of the things that I started thinking about was how I was treating myself, and why I was treating myself that way.  After 20 years of being a mom and wife, I didn't really like the person I saw in the mirror.  Physically, emotionally, spiritually.  And I started to get down on myself.  The words failure, useless, loser floated around in my head all the time. I saw all that I had tried to accomplish for others and it seemed to not be enough.  They weren't happy and I wasn't happy.  All those things I had tried to do for others ended up not being what really made them or me happy.  In fact, a lot of those things were things that in the end were either controlling on my part, or frustrating for them on their part.  And so I started to dig into who I wanted to be.  Not LIKE someone else, but who Christ would really want me to be.

As I started reading scriptures, I started to realize that my view of myself was far from what God had said about me. (Eph.1:10)  I was bashing what God had created.  I was bashing God's masterpiece.  I was bashing God's workmanship.  He created me IN HIS IMAGE.  Even though I think less of me, the Bible says that I am alive with Christ.  (Eph. 2:5)  The Bible says I am protected by God because I am His child (I John 5:18).  I have been chosen by God, holy and blameless before Him (Eph. 1:4)  Every time I put myself down, every time I think less of me, I am in essence putting down what God created.  Could I be thinner? Could I be more patient?  Could I speak less and listen more?  Could I be a better person?  YES to all those things. BUT, those things are not what make me the person I am.  I am loved by the King.  He is waiting for me to come to Him, just as I am.  He's not waiting for me to be perfect so He can love me.  He is standing there with open arms waiting for me to run into them, and all I am doing is standing in the mirror looking at myself saying "I'm not worthy".  But that is SO not what God is telling me.  that's Satan.  That's his lies.  And who am I going to believe?????  I am God's child.  I know how much I love my kids, warts and all, and I can't even begin to imagine that God loves me so much more than I can ever love my kids.  My kids don't have to be perfect for me to love them, and God doesn't expect me to be perfect for Him to love me.  I just need to come into His presence and BE WITH HIM. I need to get the focus off of me, and focus on Him.  And remember that in Him. . . I am perfect.  He made me and loves me just as I am.

I have had this video for a long time now and even today, as I listen to it, tears stream down my face because I still struggle with believing it.  But I KNOW it's true.  I know every detail that is in this video is bang on.  I am God's and that's all that matters.