Three days - 3 things to give up

As I sit here thinking about the first Good Friday, I am reminded of what one of my children commented on this past week.  We were talking about Easter and Peyton asked, "Why would they call it GOOD Friday?"  As we chatted about it, he commented that really there was nothing good about what happened that day at all.  We chatted about Judas betraying Jesus. We also chatted about what Jesus went through on the way to His death, and how He KNEW all of these things were about to happen, yet He did nothing to stop it.  He did it all willingly.  We also talked about how still to this day, when we have taken God out of so many areas of our world, we STILL take a day off to celebrate Christ's birthday, and Christ's death.  "Why would people do that if they don't believe God exists, and they don't even want to follow God? Just for a holiday I guess."

As I've thought about that concept and what Christ gave up, I have wondered what I would be willing to give up - for even my family.  Christ gave His life.  When I think of that, it's overwhelming.  And when I think of the fact that He knew of everything that He would have to endure to go through that, it brings me to tears.  AND He would have done it even if it would only have been for me!  That's how much He loves me.

I expect I will never have to give up my life for my family.  But today, as I think about what Christ gave up to save me, I sit here thinking about what I can give up my family to make life better for them.  In some respects giving up my life would be easier.  In the end it would be heroic.  I'm sure it would make headlines.  "Mother gives up life to protect her family."  AMAZING!  But it's the little things that I'm thinking about.  The things that are "hoarded" right up in my heart that I'm not willing to give up.  It's those roots buried deep inside that cause rifts and tears.  That cause pain.  That cause tears in the very grain of the fabric that wraps up our family together.

And last night as I lay in bed, I wondered. . . what would I be willing to give up?  This stubborn, closed off, short fused Mamma.  What would I be willing to give up?  As I thought about it, I realized that Christ died for all those things that I find so difficult to give up.  His very death was because I am impatient, selfish, unglued, unforgiving person.  I'm hanging on to the very things - those very things that Jesus Christ shed His blood - gave His life for.  I'm STILL HANGING ON TO THEM!!!!

So today, for a moment, I will try to nail those things back onto the cross that Christ died on.  I won't take those sins back.  I will put them up there on the tree and say "Jesus - thank you for dying for THOSE sins."  What will you put back up on the cross today?  Those things that Jesus died for - what are you holding close - unable to give back?  What are you holding. . . hiding. . . unwilling to give up?

I challenge you to take three very specific things in your life.  One for each day of Easter.  One for every time that Peter betrayed Jesus - yet Jesus still forgave Him.  One for every part of the Trinity. One for every cross on that hill. Three things.  Here are mine:  1.  I'm going to give up the walls of protection that I've built around my heart and be vulnerable.  2.  I'm going to strive to hold my tongue from speaking things that are hurtful. 3. I'm going to strive to be a patient Momma and not come unglued.  Those are my three. Three days - three things. And I know I can't do it without Christ's help.  So I will focus on the fact that He died for those three things.  It's because of those three sins in my life, that He was willing to go through the pain and agony. . . the torture. . . and be hung on a cross.  For those three things. . . Those things that I find difficult to let go of.  He died for those.  Am I willing to give them up?

What are your three things?

As you focus on Christ's death and resurrection this year, here's a song you may have heard in the past - but done to the story of Christ's death.  I've always loved the sound of this song, and now it brought a whole new appreciation for it!

Expectations vs Experience

I read a blog this morning from Ann Voskamp and it sure got me to thinking.  I really encourage you to read it When you are struggling and HOLY week is just hard.

These last couple of weeks have really been a struggle.  A struggle to find joy.  A struggle to be positive.  A struggle to not slide down the staircase of despair.  I know my life is not as bad as others.  I know my family is all healthy.  I know that for all accounts, I should be thankful.  I should be grateful.  But these days, those words are difficult to swallow.  Those words don't show up to readily on the tip of my tongue.  Those words. . . . feel like just words.

I think if I had to categorize it, it would be summed up into one little phrase. . . let down by my expectations. Letting go of what I had hoped for.  Changing what my hopes or dreams or expectations are.  I know I have written about this before.  And I guess that's just me. . . knocking my head against a wall yet again.  I thought I'd learned those lessons "the last time", but here I sit - with unfulfilled expectations.  And whose fault is that???  MINE!!!!  I create these little scenarios in my mind and then when it doesn't pan out the way I expect, I am disappointed.  And I sit and wonder WHY NOT?  What's wrong with what I had hoped for?  And I guess in and of itself, there's nothing wrong with what I'm hoping for - expecting - except for the fact of how important they are to me.  How much value am I putting in those expectations?  When they don't pan out, how do I react?

And I guess as I read Ann's blog, it just kind of made me shake my head and wonder.  Yes.  Here it is days away from Easter. . .  and I am consumed by my expectations.  My broken expectations.  My struggles.  This holy week IS hard.  It is a struggle this year.  But there is so much more.  I just want to share a little of what she wrote - but hope you take the time to read it all through.

He has touched our tears. He has cupped our broken hearts with His scars. He has whispered to the howl, “I know, I know. And I’ve come to begin the making of all things new.” We believe. Because we know. He knows our grief. We know His goodness. And the truth is – we don’t need an explanation from God like we need an experience of God.

And that is exactly what we get.

We get that experience of God when He stretches open His arms on that Cross and cries,

“For you. For all your regrets and for all your impossibles,
for all that will never be and for all that once was,
for all that you can’t make right and for all that you got wrong,
for your Judas failures and your Peter denials and your Lazarus griefs,
I offer to take the nails, the sharp edge of everything, and offer you myself because I want you, to take you,
you in your wild grief,
you in your anger and your disappointment and your wounds and your not-yet-there,
you, just as you are, not some improved version of you, but you – I came for you, to hold you, to carry you, to save you.”

The thanks, the yes — it could come like sweet relief.

The broken hearts — they could re-member.

The lament — it could be absorbed in love.

And I taste of holy week, taste of what of runs from that Tree, taste and experience grace and He is good.

It really did put my expectations into perspective when I actually stopped to think of what this week means to me.  I really just want to take this week and EXPERIENCE God. I love her quote:  We don't need an explanation from God - we need an experience. I am going to try to take the remainder of this week and focus on what Christ did for me - instead of the broken expectations.  Focus on what it cost Him - HIS LIFE!  For ME!  And really my lost expectations are pretty tiny in comparison to what Christ did for me.  He died, but He lives.  And it's because of that, that I can have the greatest expectation of all - to live with Him one day.

I was reminded of this verse this morning (Thx Jeannie!)

Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness." (Lamentations 3:22-23)

Trusting we can go together into the remainder of this week and truly experience God.  To put the expectations away - and just focus on what God has done for us.  And be reminded of His faithfulness to us.

Put to the test

Well. . . . as you may or may not have noticed, it's been a while since I have written anything.  First of all, it was because we were on holidays for our spring break, but truthfully, my heart has not been in it.  My heart has pretty much been beaten up.

Truth be told, I've been put to the test several times in the last couple of weeks, and failed miserably.  And am now struggling with those feelings of inadequacy.  Why should I even write since I am a complete failure? What do I have to say to others when I have failed so badly at the things that God has allowed, or perhaps even put in my way?  Time after time, I failed.  Time after time, I lost it and gave in to those negative, ungodly reactions.  Time after time, I have reacted in anger and frustration, rather than acting in love and patience.

UGH.  Even thinking about it makes me shake my head.

Yesterday's devotion was this:

To find Joy in this day, you must live within it's boundaries.  I knew what I was doing when I divided time into 24 hour segments.  I understand human frailty, and i know that you can bear the weight of only one day at a time.  Do not worry about tomorrow or get stuck in the past. There is abundant Life in My Presence today.  Phil. 3:13-14 (Sarah Young)

Well, I have spent enough time being angry, and frustrated and focusing on the negative.  (TRUE - I do hate computers today!!!!)

So I will walk away and strive to focus on the joy today.  Praying that the anger and frustration of this day, will fade away and I will be able to focus on the day that God is bringing about for me tomorrow.  A day to rest in His presence.  A day to go to His house.  A day to share with the little kids about the joys of Easter.

Isn't that what is more important than a computer that doesn't work?  Than the internet that stops working?  Jesus Christ died.  And then He rose.  I will focus on that. . . and pray for joy in the morning.  No!!!  Pray for joy right now.  God direct my heart to the joy I find in YOU!!!

Blessings. . . . turned idols?

I was going to start by apologizing for yet another meandering down my "thought lane" since I have been so focused on what kind of a Christian I am and . . . really who I am serving.  But alas, isn't that truly what we should all be striving for?  To be more like Christ.

So instead of apologizing for going over this yet again. . . I will encourage you to join me on my journey as I try to figure out exactly where God is calling me. . . . or what God is calling me to.

There's more thoughts mulling around in my brain today. . . more than I can actually sort out and pour out through my fingers.  So for now, I will share something I read today.

I've been trying to figure out how to live my every day life, yet have Christ first in it.  How to make Christ my priority instead of myself.  And so those thoughts have been rolling around in the hollows of my head all morning as I get ready for Spring Break.  And as I sat down to strike a few things off my to do list, I noticed I hadn't turned my JESUS CALLING calender over to March 27.  So I did, and this is what I read.

Be still in My Presence, even though countless tasks clamor for your attention.  Nothing is as important as spending time with Me.  While you wait in My Presence, I do My best work within you: transforming you by the renewing of your mind. If you skimp on this time with Me, you may plunge headlong into the wrong activities, missing the richness of what I have planned for you.

Do not seek Me primarily for what I can give you.  Remember that I, the Giver, am infinitely greater than any gift I might impart to you.  Thought I delight in blessing My children, I am deeply grieved when My blessings become idols in their hearts.  Anything can be an idol of it distracts you from Me as your First Love.When I am the ultimate Desire of your heart, you are safe from the danger of idolatry.  As you wait in My Presence, enjoy the greatest fight of all: Christ in you, the hope of Glory!!

Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—His good, pleasing and perfect will.  ~Romans 12:2

Yet I hold this against you: You have forsaken the love you had at first. ~Revelation 2:4

To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory. ~Colossians 1:27

I will admit, I kind of stopped short.  Is it possible that I have turned so many of the blessings that God has granted to me, into idols?  Have I gotten so absorbed in the things He has given to me - the blessings, whatever they might be - that I have turned my focus onto the gifts He's granted me, rather than onto the Giver of those gifts?  I admit.  I kind of sat there and thought about that for awhile.  Certainly I acknowledge that God has blessed me with all those things in my life, but have I become too focused on those blessings?  Do the blessings consume my thoughts more than the Blesser?

Not sure what else to say about this because I think. . . maybe they have.  And maybe that's going to have to be my first step in my journey.  I know I have felt I need to put Christ first, but I never truly thought that it was His blessings that I had put first instead of HIM!!!

I've been praying that He will show me where I need to change. . . . and I think He just did. . . .

LOST!!!

If there is one thing in life that I cannot stand, it is when I lose something.  This has gone far back to when I was a child, and up until this very day.

Point in case:  Yesterday I taught several students.  I am organizing next years piano schedule, as well as trying to nail down all the songs that my students will be playing, and have TRIED to keep it all organized in a file folder near the piano.  Also in this file folder were several invoice payments for this months lessons - both cash and cheques!!!

So at the end of my lessons yesterday, I went to reach for my folder, and (* heart drops to the pit of my stomach*) I couldn't find it anywhere.  My daughter helped me look, but to no avail.  I then assumed that I must have gotten it mixed up with some students books as I scooped them up and returned them to their book bags.  So, I proceeded to call all my student's parent's to check if it had indeed shown up in their books.  One by one, each parent told me - no, it wasn't there.  So then my husband, daughter and myself turned the studio, my office, and every place imaginable, upside down in the hopes of finding it.

You see, the reason this sort of thing bothers me is because I know it is SOMEWHERE!!!  It's not a little thing.  It's larger than a sheet of paper, and certainly fatter (there WERE cheques and cash in there!!!) This little issue of mine goes way back to when I was a young girl of maybe 9 or 10.  I had been trick or treating with my siblings, and had one favorite item in my snack bag.  A package of Mackintosh toffee!  OH YES!  That was pure gold.  I could share everything else, but that package of toffee. . . well it was mine.  And I was going to save it for such a time that I needed a pick me up.  So, I went and stuffed it way in the back of my closet where all my dolls and doll crib etc. were stored.  I didn't think about it for a long time.  Several months later, as I was cleaning my room, I remembered it.  WHAT JOY!!!  I hauled out the doll crib where I KNEW I had stashed it. . . . but it wasn't there.  Out came the next bag of doll clothes.  Not there.  Then came the box of small toys that were my keepsakes.  Not in there.  I KNEW it had to be there somewhere.  But NOTHING!  I asked my siblings, but they didn't know anything about it.  I asked my Mom.  No one knew where it was.  For months, I would search high and low looking for that prized package of gold.  I never did find it, and it has always made me wonder:  Did I eat it?  Did my brother or sister find it and not tell the truth?  It HAD to be somewhere.

Well, that was my feeling last night.  That folder didn't just up and walk away.  Having said that, I have also been known to absentmindedly put things in the most peculiar places.  FYI, whipped cream does not last very long in an non-refrigerated cupboard.  Nor does fresh spinach fare very well, when placed into the freezing compartment of the fridge rather than the crisper.  So when our search wound down, Keith made a comment that it was highly possible I had put it somewhere strange and it would eventually show up.  To which I responded, "well make sure you check the freezer the next time you go downstairs".  AND VOILA!!!!  The light bulb went on!!!  I recalled going downstairs to check on our aquarium pump!!!  And in one swift exit downstairs, I recovered the folder that had once been lost and now was found!!!

As relief washed over me, (and I quickly got my deposit ready!!!), I got to thinking about how frustrating it is when I cannot find something, but how amazingly filled with relief I am when I find it.  The whole episode got me to thinking about the parable in the Bible that I had taught to my Preschool kids not that long ago about the woman and the lost coin, and the analogy Jesus made about when someone turns their lives around and follows Jesus.  I certainly knew the relief and joy I felt last night, and I can only imagine what Jesus must feel when someone leave their lives behind to follow Him.

But I also got to thinking about how I would have felt if I had found my folder, only to find that all the cheques were missing!!!  Can you imagine how deflating that would be?  How disappointing and sick I would have felt?  I wonder if that is the way God feels when we say we love Him, but choose to follow our own path.  If you've read my blog from the other day about being hot or cold, (you can read it HERE), you will understand where these thoughts are coming from.  I think about how may years ago, I committed my life to following God.  I recommitted it to Him when I was a teenager, and have for the most part followed "the right" path.  However, over the last few weeks, I have begun to wonder how truthful that commitment was.  As I've taken a good hard look at my life, and watched as I've made selfish decisions, as I've made choices that please me rather than God, as I've gone ahead with my life without as much as a thought to how it pleases God, I've started to wonder if my life isn't a bit like that file folder.  I know God knows what my future brings I understand that.  He knows what my decisions have been and will be.

But yesterday I got to thinking about how my life, and yes - at times - my lack of commitment to Him, must be like thinking I had found the folder I'd lost, only to discover that contents weren't in it.  I've wondered if that is how God sees me? (Please forgive me for humanizing God!)  But I have to wonder, if I had opened that folder yesterday to find the contents empty, how sick and disappointed I would have been.  I wonder if that is how God sees me.  I had made a promise to Him years ago.  To follow Him.  To seek Him.  To serve Him.  But here I am today - folder pretty much empty.  Doing my own thing.  SAYING I am a follower of Him, yet 99% of the time, serving myself.

I wonder how that makes God feel.  I wonder. . .

I think it's time I start getting rid of the self, and filling "my folder" with the things in my life that I promised God along time ago.  Service to Him.  A heart of submission to His will.  A life given over FULLY to Him.

I trust as you listen to the lyrics of this old hymn, you will be motivated with me to move into a closer. . . a deeper. . . A REAL relationship with God.  One that puts our own desires behind us.  One that focuses on serving the very One who saved us.  One that loses our own life to gain the life that was saved for us by Jesus Christ.  Let's lay down our own selfishness and focus our eyes on the one that FOUND us!!

Small blessings - really are big blessings!!!

I have to admit. . . sometimes it is - as they say - hard to see the forest for all the trees.

This weekend I was reminded that sometimes it's those small blessings that we need to take a really good look at, rather than hoping for something big to happen.

For example, this morning as I walked into the church to teach at Preschool, I saw a smiley face sticker on the ground.  Now that in itself might make someone smile, but the reason it made me smile was because it was MY smiley face sticker.  You see, I taught Sunday School yesterday and the children were doing some decorating on a piece of a log that turned out to still be quite damp.  It was frustrating for them and me to try and get those stickers to stick on.  However, we did have some good conversation about forgiveness and judgment.  In the end most of the stickers ended up in the garbage pail but others took white glue to glue them on.  So that was a small blessing.  A great Sunday School lesson.  However, this morning I was was "re-blessed" by it because of the sticker I saw on the ground.  It reminded me that my kids do listen, they do hear what we are teaching them, and no matter how seemingly insignificant it feels we are, the kids DO take their crafts and lessons home with them, and share it with those around them.  I guess one child is minus a smiley face, but it certainly made me smile this morning.

Today as I sat and had my lunch, the two bird feeders that sit in front of our patio doors brought me much joy as I watched a chickadee flit back and forth opening seed after seed. I am pretty sure our cat enjoyed it too as she sat happily chattering as the bird flew back and forth between the feeders!!

As I listened to my son and daughter banter back and forth this morning, I was thankful for their silly chatter because it reminded me - they really do love each other!

One of my piano students gave me one of her little butterfly knickknacks that she was getting rid of.  It's not that it's an incredibly unique item, but it DID come from the heart.  She could have thrown it out or given it to one of her friends, but she thought to wrap it up and give it to me.  It sits proudly here on my desk to remind me that what I do is about more than just teaching piano.

As I listened to my daughter and her friend chat back and forth this afternoon, I was struck by what a blessing it was that I was able to pick them up for her friend's piano lesson and that Taylor has such incredible Christian friends.

These things. . . I so often take for granted.  Those and so many more. I get bogged under by other things.  Life gets clouded over by the "big" things.  But today, I was reminded that it is the little things that ARE the big things in the end.  Those are the blessings that bring me joy.  They are the every day things that happen that God has blessed me with.  They are the things that I so often overlook - yet the things that God presents me with every day - over and over.

Join me in looking for the little blessings today.  Because God is giving them to us everywhere.  We just need to open our eyes and realize, that the little things ARE the big things.  They are all blessings God has wrapped up as gifts for us to take with us every day.  Truly God has given us many great things!

What's your temperature? HOT? COLD?

So last night in our Bible Study, we watched a video that really made me stop and think.  This past week I struggled with feeling empty and emotionless.

Well, last night, I left feeling very alive.  Not excited for God per se, but alive and aware about how NOT excited I am for God.  We watched a video by Joel Thomas called Choose to Lose.  I think the bottom line in it (if I can paraphrase it) was I need to loose things in my life in order to win Christ.  I jotted down the question: WHAT AM I WILLING TO LOSE?

Then this morning, this video from Francis Chan comes across my desk, and I tell you . . . I am feeling a lot more than I really want to.  It made me really question my faith!  Not question God, but it made me question what I believe.  I know WHAT I believe, and I know WHO I believe, but do I truly believe it?  Francis challenged the listeners that if we really BELIEVE GOD, we will choose to lose everything for Christ.  We will put everything in our lives behind us to put God first.

He asked:  What are you putting before God?  He shared the verses in Revelation3:16-21

I know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other! 16 So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. 17 You say, ‘I am rich; I have acquired wealth and do not need a thing.’ But you do not realize that you are wretched, pitiful, poor, blind and naked. 18 I counsel you to buy from me gold refined in the fire, so you can become rich; and white clothes to wear, so you can cover your shameful nakedness; and salve to put on your eyes, so you can see.

19 Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline. So be earnest and repent. 20 Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with that person, and they with me.

21 To the one who is victorious, I will give the right to sit with me on my throne, just as I was victorious and sat down with my Father on his throne. 22 Whoever has ears, let them hear what the Spirit says to the churches.”

I have been made increasingly aware that my walk with God is not all it should be.  In reading the book The Christian Atheist (Craig Groeschel), in watching these two videos it really made me think about how little I am losing for God.  It made me so aware of all the things I am putting in front of my relationship with God.

My relationship with God should be SO IMPORTANT that everything else pales in comparison.  I know at Lent we give something up for God, but shouldn't we be giving everything up for Him?  ALL THE TIME?? Shouldn't I be putting such little value on the things around me that my focus, my value, my primary goal in life is to please God?  Oh how I have failed.  Oh how my life needs to change.

What am I willing to give up for God?  What am I willing to lose in or to win in my relationship with Jesus Christ?  One of the comments in our video last night was "Jesus didn't want to lose His life, but He did because He knew if He didn't, we all would have been lost."  So what am I doing for Him?  Am I putting Him first in my life?  Am I a hot Christian, a non Christian, or even worse a lukewarm Christian.  Because according to Revelation, if I AM a lukewarm Christian, I'm only fooling myself.  Because the very word Christian means follower of Christ.  NOT FOLLOWER OF OUR OWN DESIRES.

I need to lose myself, my life, my goals, my own selfishness - in order to gain Christ!

Be prepared to feel uncomfortable watching this video!  I can tell you, it has given me a lot to think about.

Strength and Song

This week has been a struggle.  I can't put my finger on anything specific, but emotionally, it has been a struggle to stay positive.  I feel dry.  I feel empty.  I can't say I've struggled with depression, but just really have felt blah.  Almost emotionless.  Like I've been going through the motions.  Going to work.  Teaching. Making sure the house is running smoothly.  Doing what has to be done, but doing it without any emotion. And you can tell by the silence on my blog.  Thankfully those feelings have not erupted into any storms here at home, but I don't like this feeling.  I just feel emotionless.  And I don't like that.  I like to feel alive.  I like to feel motivated and energized.  We have our spring break to look forward to and yet, even that is not getting me energized.  I've tried spending time in the Word and it has felt like I'm just going through the motions.  I've tried praying and it feels like the words really barely got past my lips.

And then the questions have started. What's the point?  Where's the meaning in all this?  Where's the joy?  Surely there has got to be more than this for my week?  I want to feel alive.  I want to feel happy.  I want to feel joy!!!

Then out of mere habit I turned my page on my Jesus Calling devotional calendar from Sarah Young and read this:

"TRUST ME AND DON'T BE AFRAID, for I am your Strength and Song.  Think what it means to have Me as your Strength.  I spoke the universe into existence:  My Power is absolutely unlimited!  Human weakness, consecrated to Me, is like a magnet, drawing My Power into your neediness.  However, fear can block the flow of My Strength into you.  Instead of trying to fight your fears, concentrate on trusting Me.  When you relate to Me in confident trust, there is no limit to how much I can strengthen you.

Remember that I am also your Song.  I want you to share MY JOY, living in conscious awareness of My Presence.  Rejoice as we journey together toward heaven; join Me in singing My Song.  Isaiah 12:2-3; Psalm 21:6"

I don't know necessarily how to get out of this dry spell I am in a the moment, but I DO know that my song - my joy - will come from God.  And focusing on Him is going to get me moving.  So that's what I will do.  I will not concentrate on my own fears, I will instead, try to focus on God and His Strength.  I will try to draw my joy from all He has for me.  I will put the music on and let the words speak to my heart.  I will allow God's praise to sink down to the very bottom of my day and focus on that.  I will listen to Him speaking to me today and seek my joy from that, rather than from the happenings around me.  I will draw my joy, my strength from the One who is the ultimate Strong One.  The giver of TRUE JOY!

OH HOW I WISH. . . . . . . . . . .. . .. yup . . .. . . my dreams came true. . . . .

so i will start with this. . .

i am sorry that there are those of you out there that have bigger (and truthfully) more anguishing wishes than me.  I pray for you! I DO!!!  I pray for the cancers.  I pray for the broken families.  I pray for the illnesses. . .  PLEASE do not think that I think these issues any less.  BELIEVE me they teach me lessons.  I am so thankful that god brings these thoughts. . . and FRIENDS to me. . .

But for tonight. . .. . i choose to share my thoughts via this forum.

I wish I could take away all the struggles that we/I have gone through. . . as my son strives to be a better hockey player (nope not on a team! -  on our driveway!) he plays with his dad - an incomplete paraplegic.   As proud as I am of my husband (AND I AM - BELIEVE ME I AM!!!!) i am saddened for the things that my son would have liked to do but didn't b/c he did not want to disappoint or make his dad feel bad.  Peyton has an extreme pride in his dad.  Keith is his world.  He's my world - okay - that has nothing to do with sports - but he is AMAZING!!!  Did you know?  That Keith did the time clock so that my  boy could experience hockey?  Keith couldn't coach.  He couldn't show Peyton how to skate. . . but he DID what he could do.

Do you know?  That every swimming lesson, Keith takes Taylor to it because I am teaching????  He cheers her on!!!  He brings her there and takes her home BECAUSE HE LOVES HER!!!

Did you know that even in the worst storms, my husband that has an C2 and an L2 fracture in his neck and his back, snowblows my driveway????  AND not only does he do that for me, but he does it for about 4 or 5 other seniors on our crescent??? and with this absolute love for Jesus, he is teaching my son to do the same???

OH HOW I AM BLESSED!!!!  Sometimes I get covered in ME. . . in what I don't have. . . . and God redirects my focus.

I started this blog with OH HOW I WISH. . . . . and it was things I was thinking about what I wanted.   but i would like to say this.. . .

OH HOW I WISH YOU ARE AS BLESSED BY SOMEONE AS I AM . . . . 

BY MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!

keith i love you. . . . . .

Keith at a Blue Bomber game with Taylor

Keith took Peyton to a Monster truck evening!  Peeps was SO thrilled!!!

What's your heritage? What's your life saying about you?

Many years ago, my husband and I joined my parents on an incredibly memorable trip to Holland.  Both my parents were born and raised in Holland, and eventually immigrated to Canada.  However, the majority of my relatives with the exception of one family all lived outside of Canada - and most of them were in Holland.

I had remembered visiting Holland as a child, but was so excited to be able to bring my husband back there to show him all those things I remembered as a child.  We had the opportunity to meet several of my aunts and uncles and cousins, and even were able to see the homes where my Mom and Dad grew up in.  In fact, we stayed in the very home that my father grew up in.

The Langendoen farmhouse was amazing.  While it had gone under some transformations, it was amazing how similar it was and how it brought back so many memories from my visits there as a child.  One of the things that I have cherished was finding the Langendoen family crest.  As a child I had not known it existed, but when we went back in 1993, I saw it displayed up on the Langendoen family home - proudly indicating that this was a home that belonged to the Langendoen's.  Several years later, I decided to get that same crest as a tattoo.  I am proud of my dutch family heritage and that I come from the Langendoen family.

As I've thought about that crest and what it means, I realized that if anyone actually recognized that crest they would know that I am a Langendoen because it is proudly tattooed on my body.

And from that, I've wondered what kind of crest am I displaying for those around me.  Every day, each of us presents a crest to the world.  What is it saying?  Does our crest make people realize that we are children of God?  Does what I do, show others around me the things that God has called me to do and be?  What are my actions speaking?  I might not be wearing a crest for others to see, but my actions certainly are speaking volumes.

Over the years, as we have met different people and interacted with them, there have been, on occasion, times when Keith & I have walked away from a conversation knowing without a doubt that that individual was a Christian.  Not so much by their words, but by their actions.  The gentleness, the kindness that they displayed.  Or we've come away from a situation and commented how we wondered if that person was a Christian because of the things that maybe weren't said - a situation where someone may have held their tongue. (Oh, sadly not my strong suit!)  There have also been times when we have met someone and by their words have realized that they are Christians.  But they have worn their Christianity - whether by word or deed - as a crest - a badge - for all to see.  They are a child of God.  They live their lives for all to see.  They share Christ wherever they go - just by being themselves.

Oh how I hope that my life would speak like that.  I hope that the actions I show to others shine like a tattoo on my life that I am forever linked to Christ.  I pray that through my life - in all I do - and in my case - in all I say, that I will speak Jesus.  That my life will radiate His message.

This is my prayer for you - for me - today.  That we will bear Christ, like a tattoo on our lives.  That all who see us will recognize Christ through us!!!

Ephesians 3:18-19

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Blew it Big time. . .

Well, yesterday was the bomb.  Really, it was.  I know that lots of you might here that term from the kids and think it's a positive comment.  Like "she's the bomb" - meaning she's awesome! Or "that was the bomb" meaning something was really cool - awesome.

Well my yesterday was the bomb - in a blow up, nuclear explosion sort of way!  Man, how did such a good start to the morning, turn so wrong.  I was very motivated yesterday.  I got started early, had my supper started before lunch and finished and ready in the crock pot before my piano students came and I was cruising!  In fact, I was pretty proud of the soup I'd made for supper.  Tuesdays are my busy piano day with students starting first thing in the morning, then at lunch, then through the afternoon and 4 after school.  My daughter has swimming at 6:15, so supper needs to be ready for the other three before I teach so that they can eat at 5:15 and head to the pool.

And indeed it was.  Not only supper ready, but quite truthfully, one of THE BEST soups I have ever made.  It was DELICIOUS.  Okay, maybe I'll share it with you later - or maybe I'll make you wait until tomorrow.  But I have to say, it was the best soup I have ever made!  EVER.  :-)  So I was pretty pleased with myself that I had done so well! (YES - I  already see why the explosion first ignited. . . . )  So, as my 5:00 student arrived, I noticed my husband was not yet home.  Oh well, I'm sure he'd be there for 5:15.  Well, at 5:30 I noticed my son was still not inside, my daughter had helped herself to a bowl of soup, because husband did not appear to be home yet either.  Well, by 5:55, he apparently showed up, got my daughter and headed out for swimming.

By the time my final student left, my insides were seething about as hot as what the soup was in the crock pot.  How dare they all be so ungrateful for the time I had spent on this soup.  None of them deserved this oh so delicious meal that I had prepared out of the goodness of my soul!  JUST FOR THEM. . . . . . Don't they know I work just as hard as the rest of them AND I made this soup!!!! (Can you see how poorly this was going??!?!?!)  Oh let me tell you, the fury was boiling!

Oh my poor son.  I hollered at him to get inside (RIGHT NOW!) and unleashed the fury that was inside.  Poor kid didn't know what hit him - I will be honest.  Why was he still outside?  Why was he in the back yard when he was supposed to be in the front?  Why had he not had supper?  Why was home reading not done?  WHY WHY WHY??????? And hurry up and eat the best soup I have ever made -  and you'd better LOVE IT!!!! . . . . . Poor husband came home and got the same treatment. (Well actually worse - I took the leftover soup and froze it!!!!!)

Suddenly, my bowl of best ever made soup, wasn't tasting so wonderful right now.  I went to my office (which ironically also serves as the prayer room) to cool down.  HOW DARE THEY not appreciate me and my wonderful soup???? As I let the steam cool down just a little, my eyes were directed to the words above my bulletin board. . . . Oh WHY does God have this amazing ability to not say anything verbally, but speak volumes?  As I looked up, I stared at the words that were written on the wall.  "be still and know that I am God".  AND not to be outdone, were more words I'd put up on the wall "Listen with compassion - Speak with grace".  WOW!  Talk about a slap in the face.  How is it that I know these words, I look at these words most every day, and yet, I can't live up to them?  How is it that in just a slip of the tongue, in the twist of my thoughts, I inflicted a world more of pain on the ones I love the most, than any of the "poor me thoughts" ever even felt.  Sure I was hurt, but nothing like the pain I had spewed forth.

Sadly, this is not the only time it's happened.  Sadly I have hurled words like they were poison. Sadly, these are episodes that fall off my tongue before I even have a moment to stop it.

Thankfully God has given me a husband and children who are filled with forgiveness.  Thankfully God has offered His forgiveness to me, and in turn I ask for it from my family.  But each time, I struggle with it.  How can someone who is supposed to be controlled by God, lose control in the blink of an eye?  How is it that I can be so sure I've put Christ as number one in my life, and yet, take it back in an instant and make myself number one.  How is it that without so much as a thought, I can hurt the people I love the most.  Not to mention how I mess up with God Himself?  How is it that my sinful nature seems to take over so much easier than my Godly nature?

I can say, that after episodes like yesterday, I struggle with feeling like a good Mom.  Like a good wife.  Like a good Christian.  I hang my head in shame.  I go to work in the mornings and think - why am I here?  Don't they know what an awful person she is?  I struggle.  I struggle with how God sees me.  I don't believe for a moment, He could love me.  And yet He does.  I don't believe for a moment, He could forgive me.  And yet He has!  Why?  Because of His love for me.

And what about today?  Well, today, I pull the covers off and say (yet again) "Okay Lord, today is yours!  Please help to take the ME out of my day."  I go into the day and try to start it new.  Try to start it fresh.  God has forgiven me.  Thankfully my family has forgiven me.  Thankfully I am blessed with forgiveness.  All around.  And so plug on.  I put one foot in front of the other and with each step caution my thoughts.  With each step, think about honoring God.  And with each step, I think about a God who sent His Son to die for my sins.  All of them.  Even the down right ugly ones that hurt the very ones I love.  Even the ones that will yet be made - because they are there.  And I trust that God knows my heart.  He knows my desires and I know His forgiveness is never ending. . . I beg Him to help me show that same love.  That same forgiveness.  That same blessing to those I come in contact with.  That when the times come where I am the one needing to offer the forgiveness, I will be ready with the same forgiveness that He (and my family) have blessed me with.  Truly truly I am a blessed girl - blow ups and all. . . .

Titus 3:4-6
4 But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, 5 he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, 6 whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior

Growing Pains. . .

Week 3 for my seedlings

About 3 weeks ago, I eagerly started several petunia seeds.  I wouldn't say I'm an experienced gardener, more like a trial and error gardener.  Sometimes things work and thrive in my garden, other times my attempts feel futile.  So 3 weeks ago, I decided I would try my hand (AGAIN!) at starting my plants from seeds.  A few  years back, I had purchased a grow light and was sure that was my answer to all of the problems I'd had starting seeds in the past.

Well, the first year, it was "okay".  Most of my seeds germinated, but I'd realized that I had started them WAY to late.  When they say start seeds 8-10 before last frost, that doesn't work for Manitoba!!!  First of all it needs to be more like 12-14 weeks because those poor little guys just couldn't survive out in our "frost free" zone.  Sure we weren't having frost at the end of May, but my seedlings weren't very happy with temperatures hovering around 5C!!!  So for June, and most of July, my "beautiful" petunias had absolutely no blooms.  My ideas of saving money and starting my own seeds had successfully been squashed because I "HAD" to go out and buy plants that actually had blooms on them so my yard did have some color.

HOWEVER, my seedlings continued to grow and get stronger, and as my greenhouse purchased plants started to look spent and scraggly, here were my own petunias that I had started from seed just bursting forth with vibrant color and lots of blooms.  The pots from the greenhouse that had bloomed so beautifully in July were now sad and not very attractive.  But the pots that I had started "too late" and were slow in blooming were now loaded with blooms - at a very time when it felt summer was winding down.  Some of my pots I had started were now in their full glory. So while I had thought that year was a failure, it had turned out that it had actually prolonged the beauty of my gardens!!!

The first year I had purchased my seeds from Canadian Tire, but the second year, I decided I was now a pro at starting seeds!  (OOPS!  BIG MISTAKE!)  I'm not sure if it really was about the company, but the next year I decided to purchase my seeds from a reputable mail order seed company.  I thought that SURELY those seeds must be incredible and I couldn't fail.  Well, if I thought my first year was a failure, last year was a complete failure.  I would say maybe only 15% of my seeds germinated, and then the ones that did germinate well, let's just say, if you forget to take them inside when the frost hits, it doesn't make for some very pretty pots!!!

So this year, I have big hopes.  I have gone back to Canadian Tire for my seeds, I've started them 4 weeks (or maybe more) earlier in the hopes of positive results!  And I do have to say, so far so good.   Out of a tray of 36 petunias, one 3 didn't germinate!  I'd say that's a pretty good ratio so far.  My oregano is coming up.  My parsley and chives too!  It's exciting.

HOWEVER, it's not over just yet.  That I think, may have been the easy part.  Now to keep the mold away, to keep those babies watered - just enough and not too much.  To keep the grow light at the proper height.  And oh. . . when do I transplant them?

As I've babied and coddled and cared for my seedlings over the year, this year I was struck by how many times I've tried to get this gardening thing just right.  (I'm hoping it's this year!!!) These are my three attempts with grow lights.  And believe me there have been many more errors when I tried to grow them in a window sill with minimal light.  Talk about some leggy tomato plants!!! But I continued on.  Each time I learned a little more.  I tried some new ideas.  I didn't give up.

Today I was again reminded how my spiritual walk is like that.  Sometime I get it right.  There are moments when it feels like I am growing by leaps and bounds.  Sometimes I find that when I spend chunks of time with God, I have this incredible growth spurt.  There are other times when it feels like no matter what I do I just can't seem to get germinated.  The seed is there.  My Bible is open. . . but NOTHING!!!  Today as I purposed in my mind to spend that chunk of time with God, I read.  I prayed.  I listened.  I waited.  Nothing.  Okay, so not nothing, but no big epiphanies.  Just some little reminders in Titus of how I should act.  Well, I know that already Lord.  I don't want to hear THAT again, I want something GOOD!  Something really meaty.  But as I looked for that "great eye opening moment" I realized that the very things that I was reading about were the very things I was needing to follow through on.  It kind of made me realize that its the watering and the lighting that is the most important for my seedlings.  If I try to give them a huge dose of fertilizer right now, I'll just kill them all off.  I need to do the every day, maybe even mundane things to keep them growing.

And so to it is in my spiritual walk.  I might not be having these major break through moments, but all God is asking of me is to do things for Him.  I'm having my time with Him.  I'm being reminded of things He wants from me - and my job right now is to do those things.  When I was reading in Titus 2 it was talking about the role of the older woman.  (Yes, I do feel that's me these days).  But the one part that struck me was that in all I do, I need to do it well "so that the Christian faith can’t be spoken against by those who know them." There was no major lightening bolt moment this morning as I was reading.  There was no audible voice from God.  There was no "fertilizer boost" from what I was reading.  I just was reminded that I am to be an example for Christ in EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING I DO!!!  I'll go about my daily tasks here at home.  I will teach my piano students.  I will care for my kids and husband.  I'll do all those regular "watering and lighting" things.  And hopefully the way I do those things I will bring honor and glory to God. Hopefully my heart will be right and the seedlings that are in my heart will continue to grow and flourish.  Hopefully, in the end, my life will have produced a floral display for God that brings Him glory.  And that will show Christ to those around me.

So you might feel like today is just another uneventful day.  But keep the lighting right.  Keep watering those seeds you have started in your heart.  God will honor your diligence. God will bless you for serving Him even in these times when it feels dry.  God knows your heart and He knows you are seeking Him.  Let Him grow you into something beautiful - even when it feels like nothing is happening.  He is making those roots strong to stand the test of time.  He is growing you into His beautiful creation.

Missed Opportunities

Yesterday, as I sat and munched down on a snack, I scrolled through the channels looking for some paralympic coverage. . . . Alas. . . . couldn't find any.

What I DID find, what the Shopping Channel!!!  Now for any of you who hate to go out, The Shopping Channel could be where you find all your deals. . . .  or spend all your money.  I have to say. . . I don't spend too much money here, but when I have laid down some dollars, it has been worth it!!! NOPE!!!! this is not a Shopping Channel infomercial!

But yesterday. . . I saw the most amazing thing:   THE EUROSTEAM IRON.  A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.!!!  Seriously!!!!!  For those of you who have husbands who have oodles and oodles of dress shirts to be pressed, or if you have mountains of dress clothes that need to be neat and tidy. . . . let me tell you

THIS PUPPY HERE?!?!?!?  IS ALL YOU NEED!!! Okay, so technically I haven't tried it. 

But I HATE IRONING!!!

Oh, did I say that out loud?!?!?  LOL  Seriously, though, the mountains of dress shirts that I have to iron is sometimes overwhelming.

{okay. . . admission time - if I would only iron them as they became available in my laundry pile, it would not be a mountain.  however, i hate ironing. . . so as you can imagine. . . they get left.  and not only are they my husband's clothes, but my daughters, and . . . . get this. . . . my son has now decided he likes the "button up cowboy shirts" WHICH ALSO NEED TO BE IRONED!!!! and oh yes. . . i recall a recent post that I said I prayed for my family as I did laundry. . . . Oops WHEN THE LAUNDRY HAMPER's FULL BUT THE HEART IT EMPTY}  

OK, sorry for that outburst!!!

Anyway, this iron seemed like the answer to all my problems AND. . . . . there were SIX EASY PAYS!!!!! Okay, so after my initial freak out - truly this was amazing!!!! I decided that I needed to do the right thing, and wait. . . . wait. . . breathe. . . until Keith got home. . . . 

ALAS. . . . . . . ............................. by the time Keith got home: I FORGOT ABOUT MY IRON!!!!

So today. . . i checked, and of course, it was no longer on sale.  If I wanted it, I had to pay full price. . . . I had to pay shipping. . . . and it . . . . was. . . .. just . . . . too much money.

I MISSED IT!!!  I MISSED THE OPPORTUNITY OF A LIFE TIME!!!! Ok, okay, not so much, but I missed out on a $75.00 savings!!!   I MISSED THAT PERFECT OPPORTUNITY!!!

Alright. . . so truth is. . . it was probably the right decision.  It likely was a "too good to be true" deal {and yet, the things i have purchased through the shopping channel. . . . . . . . . }

So, i know. . . not a major missed opportunity right?  I AGREE!!!  (and okay, truthfully it wasn't quite that dramatic but when I found out the deal didn't continue on through the weekend it WAS disappointing - because I REALLY DO HATE IRONING!!!!!!!!!) And truthfully, there are no repercussions because I didn't buy that steam iron.   

HOWEVER. . . . how many other opportunities have I let slip by that I didn't take notice of.  How many times did I talk about me, instead of listening to someone else?  (I will be honest when you go through stuff, you need to talk. . . but what I forgot, was I also needed to LISTEN!)  How many times did I see someone in need, but kept walking by.

A few weeks ago, at the Preschool where I teach, we talked about the story of the good Samaritan. (Luke 10:30-37) I went home and asked my kids this question:  If you saw someone on the floor of your school that was hurt, what would you do?  They both admitted, unless it was someone they knew, they likely would have walked around, looked, but not done a thing. Both said they would tell their teachers that someone was "down"  (WHEW!!!) but that was about it. When asked why, both of them admitted a couple of things:  1.  they didn't know who the kids was  2. they weren't sure if the kid would want their help, so they would walk away.  3.  They didn't want to get in trouble if someone saw them talking to the kid on the floor; 4. they didn't want to get in trouble for being "late".

Upon hearing these things, I wondered about my response.  I wondered what I would do if I came upon someone in need.  I'm not sure my responses would be any different.  Yes, the situation would be different, but in comparison, my reaction would truthfully be the same.  

As I have sat and contemplated that conversation, along with my ever prompting thoughts about my 2014 goal of BE MORE, I can't help but wonder what REALLY am I doing to be more???  Am I conscious about those around me that need more?  That need a helping hand.  That need prayer.  That need my minutes.  That need my time.  That need my thoughts. . . .

I started to think about how (oh sad soul. . . ) self absorbed I am, and it is humiliating.  For all I WANT to be, what I am is woefully inadequate.  I have missed so many opportunities.  To BE MORE.  To help more.  To listen more.  To sit more. To care more.  To pray more. . . . TO BE MORE.

Oh, the missed opportunities.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not begging for ANYONE to say - Oh but you did this for me.  NO NO NO.  I have done good things.  I AM trying.  But oh how I have failed in so many ways.  

Right now. . . in my "joy journal" (#437- PAUSE!!!) I am taking a time out to list how, for this week, I am going to use what might have been the "missed opportunities.  I'm going to look for the OPPORTUNITIES that I can BE MORE.  I am going to try to not walk away.  I am going to try to go beyond my day to day routine and BE MORE!

Will you join me?  Will you look beyond your day, and find something - someone - somehow - that you can be more?  I'd love to hear your journey.

I'll share my more - will you share your more????  Oh how I would love to hear how God is using YOU to be more!!!!!

I WISH. . . .

 My daughter has a friend over today.  Kind of a last minute thing. . . . But alas, the 4 buddies that my son called up, none could come over.

I wish. . . . that was Peyton's song when he heard sister was having a friend over.  I wish. . . . It's not that I'm ungrateful, but I wish. . . .

Heard those words before?  SAID those words before?!?!?!

What are your wishes?  I wish. . . . for more time.  I wish . . . . I was thinner.   I wish. . . I was a better person.  I wish. . . . I could go on a vacation south (because ALL - yes ALL!! our other friends are going!!!!)  I wish . . . we made more money.  I wish. . . . I could be more like . . her. . . .  I wish. . . . . I wish. . . If only. . . . . . . . oh how I wish. . . . .

What's your wish?  What do you desire?  Okay truthfully, what are you un-thankful for?  As I listened to Peyton sigh, and groan, and lament about just how awful it was to NOT have any friend that liked him enough to pick up the phone (and why does TAYLOR get to have a friend over?!?!?!?!!!!!) I got to thinking about what the real root of the problem was.

And believe me!  It's not just Peyton - I truly believe he has inherited that awful trait from his mother!  *SIGH*  Because believe me, I can sigh with discontent as well as anyone you've ever heard sigh!  And believe me, when I sigh, you KNOW i'm not content. . . . .   I WISH. . . . my record is stuck on SKIP :  I wish i wish i wish i wish. . . . . ETC!!!!

So how do we get over those wishes. . . . those things we wish we could have- but don't.  How do we stop looking to what we don't have?

THANKFULNESS!  That's the key.  If we stopped to look at what we DO have, we would be so much more joyful.  Please don't take this the wrong way.  I GET that sometimes life has thrown us an awful - and mean DOWN RIGHT AWFUL - curve ball.  BUT, are there no good things that we can focus on?  I'm not saying that we have to be jumping up and down with joy because our hearts are breaking, but in even just a brief moment. . . can we find the joy?  Can we find the things that God has given to us?  Because as dark as it might seem. . . . they are there.  THEY ARE THERE!!!!

When sitting down in those quiet times and our hearts go to the things we don't have, can we make a quick adjustment and try to focus on the good things?  The things God HAS given us?  In Philippians 4, Paul talks about being content in whatever situation is presented to him.  WOW!!!  That is so not me - I am so thankful my name isn't Paul (sorry to all you Paul's!!!).  But hold up!!!!!!  Paul or not, God has told me to be thankful.  Not because things are good, but because He has given us so many good things.  He has blessed us with so many things!!!  They might be a little fuzzy at times, but if you are willing to look, you'll find them.

This week, let's try to take our "I WISH" and turn it into "I HAVE. . . "  Instead of thinking about all those things you wish for, think about all the things you have.

I know I don't have to think too much and I could give you a list a mile long.  And I'm going to start listing them in my joy journal right now!!!

Have a THANKFUL weekend my friends.  Let's be thankful for all those things we wished for - and God gave us.  Sometimes even before we wished them!!!!  (and hey. . . truthfully???? Let's me thankful God hasn't given us all we wished for because He knows what's best for us. . . and all we wish for is not always the best for us!!!)

OH GIVE THANKS TO THE LORD, FOR HE IS GOOD!!!!

Where's your NORTH STAR leading you?

Photo Credits to:  http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/User:Bennett000

If there is one thing that I love when I go to our cottage, it is sitting outside on our deck, on a crisp winter evening and looking up at the night sky.  We don't have power at our cottage, so once everyone else has turned off their propane lights for the night, and if there isn't a moon in the sky, it is the most amazing feeling to look up into the night sky and see all the millions of stars.  Another favorite time is lying on the docks at night in the summer.  Same overwhelming feeling.  I know very little about the constellations, but my man at least knows more than I do.  At least some of the major ones.  Very often he will try to point out the big dipper, the small dipper, and any others that he knows.  The north star is always one that he is able to pick out.  But for the life of me, I could never tell you which one it could be.

Years ago, and perhaps, by some still today, the north star was used to figure out directions.  If you were lost on the seas, at night, you could always tell which direction you needed to go, by finding the north star and heading into it's general direction.  But doing so, would require you to know at lease SOMETHING about the constellations.  For me, I'd be better off just to stay put rather than following "my north star" because chances certainly would be that I ended more lost than what I'd start out as.  However, if you did know exactly where to find that north star, you could always use it to navigate your way home.

As I've looked at the starts in the past, I have seen the big and small dipper, I have seen the north star (because my man pointed it out to me) but just because I've had them pointed out to me, does not guarantee me success in using it to navigate me anywhere!!!  I would have to do some serious looking and understanding to figure out which star exactly was the North Star.  If I chose the wrong one, I would be in a mess of trouble.  And if I accidentally started following a shining satellite, well, I'd definitely be off course!!!

Isn't that the way with our life too?  What/Who is the north star that we are following to direct our life course?  What are the thing(s) in our lives that we are focusing on that we strive towards?  What do we know about the North Star (God)?  Are we listening to what others are telling us about the North Star, or are we researching it ourselves and finding out exactly how to find it and follow it?  Have we decided that we can take our eyes off the Star and go it on our own for awhile? I know I can see God/North Star, but what happens when I do start following Him?  Do I look down at the area around me, and loose my focus?  Do I look down, see a path and decide that I can follow that path on my own, rather than follow God, my North Star?  Do I look down and see all the "brush" of life around me and panic because I've taken my eyes off of Him?

It sounds awful, but it is so easy to loose my focus on God!  So often, I look down at the "brush" below and think "this is too much. . . this is too awful."  But I've taken my eyes off of Him.  I'm not looking in the direction that I should be.  I'm looking down, when I should be looking UP!  My focus needs to stay on God, my spiritual North Star, because without HIS guidance, I'm lost.  Without His light there for me to follow, I'm just going to go in circles!  AND, if I don't really know who He is, I may easily be swayed by other things/teachings, that are not from God.  Any star might look like the north star.  And what if something shines brightly?  Am I lured by it's brightness or am I striving to focus on the north star, and only the north star?  So often I find myself distracted.  By situations.  By stresses.  By people.  By things.  By my desires.  And I loose my focus.  I take my eyes off of God - my north star.  And it either causes me to panic, or just as often, it sends me to directions of uncharted waters.  It sends me to places I don't want to go.  Taking my eyes off of Him sends me in the complete opposite direction from Him.  

I always thought that when horses had blinders on their eyes it was such a cruel thing.  But I have to admit, there are days I wish I had a set.  Those blinders kind of act like a telescope for our spiritual eyes.  If we have blinders on, our eyes stay focused on what it ahead.  On our North Star - God.  If we are looking only through that telescope to where the north star is, our eyes stay focused on it.  It's when we look away, when we take those blinders off, that our focus is taken off of God.  And when our focus is off of God, it cannot be right.  We will loose our way.  We will loose our charted course.  We will never get to the destination we are striving for.

Join me won't you, as we strive to keep our focus on God - our North Star.  May the things of this earth not entice us - rather cause us to look to Him who gives us the direction and guidance we so desperately need!!! Let's keep our eyes focused on the light and direction our North Star - God - gives to us and follow HIS paths, not our own.

Turn my heart toward your statutes
and not toward selfish gain.
Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to your word.

-Psalm 119:36-37

Growing boy, or emerging little man?!?!?

EIGHT and A HALF YEARS AGO!!!!!  WOW!  

In exactly 47 days, my little baby boy is going to be turning TEN YEARS OLD!  I really do not know how this happened so quickly.  One day he was this little, chubby boy, reliant on me, and suddenly he is this boy, uncomfortable in his own skin, trying to figure out who he is.

I can say this, that these days of change have been trying.  I knew that girls were hormonal and I was prepared for that in my daughter as she grew older, but I never imagined that these changes that come with boys growing up could be just as crazy.  I have to say, this stage in my son's life has COMPLETELY taken me by surprise.

On some days, I'm not even sure who I have in my home!  Before this past year, my son was a calm, rational, sensitive boy who really didn't challenge too much.  Sure when he was about 5 or 6 he did some exploring as to how and why things happened, but it was never a defiant attitude.  He was always respectful of others, understanding of his sister, and of his friends, and I never worried about any of the decisions he would make.

These days, I'm getting phone calls from the school about behavioural issues.  Not huge, but just out character for him.  I'm having a tug of war with boundaries for him.  We're having the battles of the wills.  We are trying to convince him, that while he think he does, HE DOES NOT know everything.  He is not without fault and failure, and he DOES NOT always make the best decisions.

This once gentle, calm snugglie boy has turned into a stubborn, selfish, anger filled boy. At times, I still do catch glimpses of my little boy, but at times, I look into his eyes and wonder about this transformation I am seeing happen before my eyes.  It's scary!  It's heart wrenching!  It causes me to panic and freak out!  WHAT DO I DO????

As I sit and read about how to deal with a changing 10 year old, I've been reading about the world's view of men.  We don't watch a lot of sitcom type TV shows, but when we have in the past, I have always struggled with the "humor" when it came to the dad.  It seemed the dad was always made out to be dumb. Not understanding his children.  Making blatant errors when it came to anything family.  The Cosby Show, Home Improvement - shows that should be a "fun" family show - but always ended up putting down the dad.  What does that tell our boys?  What does that do for my perspective on my husband. . . on my son. . . How do I treat them after watching many shows like that?  How does my daughter perceive men when that is the image that is being portrayed to her.  Even a simple show like The Flintstones. . . What is that telling our society about men?  What kind of a role model are we giving to our children?

However, bigger than that, I started to think about how I was treating my son.  How does God treat me when I fail?  What does God see when He looks at me?  Failure after failure.  Does He shake His head in disbelief that I just can't get it right?  Or does He take a look inside at my heart?  Does He say, "you're useless!  Why did I die for you?  It wasn't worth it!"  (NO!!)  Or does He look at me, and say "I love her so much that I died for her.  I wiped away all her sins.  And now. . . look at her heart look at what she is doing for me."  He doesn't focus on my sins because He's forgiven them.  Keith & I are being the "examples" to our son of what a parent is.  (Oh Lord, please help us because Oh how we have failed!!!)  True, our son frustrates us.  True, he sins over and over.  But have I stopped to look at his heart?  Have I stopped to think about how he was looking at the situation?  Have I stopped to understand what a difficult time of life he is in?  Have I stopped to lay the ground rules down?  When a situation arises, do I respond in love, or frustration and anger, and if it's the later, how am I showing Christ's love to him?  Have I stopped to think that God has entrusted this precious child to me, and I am responsible for raising him to be a Godly leader in his life?  YIKES!!!  His attitude may scare me, but that thought scares me more!!!!  What am I doing?  How am I reacting??? What am I showing my son, this precious child that God has entrusted to me, what am I showing Him of who God is?  How is God shining through me in my reactions to him? Am I training him up to be a man of God?  Am I training him up to be a man that will potentially someday lead a family of his own? Am I teaching my son about God's forgiveness?  Am I teaching him about how God died for his sins and loves him so much? WHAT AM I TEACHING MY SON - every day. . . every reaction that I have. . . .

Does he see Christ through me?

Puts a different perspective on things. . . . Instead of focusing on all he's not doing right, how about focusing on what I'm doing/not doing to teach him about Jesus' love.

oh how I have failed.  Yes, it is my duty to train him up right.  But it is also my duty to give him an accurate glimpse of who God is.  God is standing in front on me/him saying: "I already died for you. I forgave those sins a long time ago. . . Now. . . .  Let me see your heart!"

Oh God, how I love my boy!!!!!  And I know you love him too, so God, help me to be the best mom possible to my son.  Help me to show him how to grow up to be a strong Godly leader.  Help me to teach/show him what it means to be a follower of you.  God. . . . PLEASE GIVE ME WISDOM!!!!!