A few words from Keith

When Sharon asked if I could write a response to her blog, my first thoughts were NO WAY.  I don't have a gift of writing like she does, and what could I say after her amazing story.  The Lord had a different plan and began to soften me up.  God has taught me a lot over the last number of year.  I hope and pray I can encourage men to get freedom and victory from pornography and sex addiction by sharing my story.




To start with, I want everyone to know what an incredible wife I have.  She is the most amazing, Godly woman i know, and I am so thankful for her.  Without her relationship with God, I would not be where I am, nor would we have the marriage like we do.  The grace, mercy, forgiveness and love that she is showing me is a reflection of her giving heart and relationship with Jesus Christ.  The way she has forgiven me, is willing to trust me again, and wanted me back home, still makes me feel so thankful for her.

I also want to say how thankful I am for our amazing kids.  They were also willing to forgive me and offer a second chance.

God began the deep healing process in my life a number of years ago, the first time Sharon and I separated.  After that separation, for the first time in my life, I started to see and feel that there was hope in the battle to stay pure.  God used Sharon, along with some Godly men to help me get open about my addiction. Without that separation, I am not sure I would have realized my need to change.  I joined a men's support group and had regular sessions with a therapist.  After a few years of sobriety, I started to get over-confident and slowly stopped doing the hard work.  My lazy attitude also affected my relationship with God, Sharon & the kids.  These relationships also began to go downhill.  Once again, both were extremely patient with me.  Our men's group did a video conference call with Steve Masterson, a counselor with many years of experience in counseling men with sex addiction.  He said something which God used to start a whole new level of healing.  He said that porn is not the root of the addictive behaviour but the fruit.  God started to speak to me and show me that there was a root that was causing the addictive behaviour that He wanted to heal in my life.

Sharon encouraged me to see her former pastor Bob Bramhill who had a ministry helping people deal with pain and hurt in their lives.  I spent a week with him where God began to show me what was my root. - pain and hurt from my past that I had never dealt with.  God did some healing and I began to feel His love like I had never before.  Again, I did not keep building on that foundation and strengthening relationship in my life.  This led to destructive habits and eventually relapse.  I didn't share this with Sharon which was a big mistake.  I began to go back into myself and shut her out. I fell into a selfish attitude and let pride take over my life.  I had told Sharon and the kids the last time we had separated that if I got back into porn, our marriage would be over.  Even this was not enough to keep me pure.  I was willing to lose my family instead of staying pure!!  God had a plan to take me through a new level of healing.

Sharon was obedient and faithful to God's prompting and confronted me asking if I was back into porn.  She reminded me that the last time we had separated, I had promised her that if I ever got back into porn, I would leave.  After moving out and being at the bottom of the pit, I cried out to God for forgiveness and help.  In His love, He led me to an addictions support group at Southland Church in Steinbach called Path to Freedom.  This program has changed my life.  I started to learn and feel God's love for me again in a new and exciting way.  The program has taught me how to deal with overwhelming negative emotions in a non-destructive, non-addictive way.  God also used John & Anne Neufeld, a counseling couple, to help me grow closer to God, and start to bring Sharon and me together to talk.  And God was doing just as much healing in her life as well.  Healing from the years of pain I had caused her in our marriage. I could never have imagined that she would ever give me another chance, ever forgive me or ever trust me again.  But she did and it's an example of God's power.

God has taught me a lot through this journey.  The NUMBER ONE key to sobriety is to grow close in my relationship to Him and my family.  As I started growing closer to God, He started to teach me truths which I knew in my head, but never felt in my heart.  I had to start by surrendering to His will and learn what it meant to fear Him.  As I felt His incredible love fore me, He began to show me the lies I had been believing since I was young.  He showed me in love how to forgive the hurt of my childhood, deal with pain from my disability, learn to forgive myself for all the pain I had caused Sharon and the kids.  These are some of the roots that led me to my addiction and kept me in chains to it for almost 40 years!  Freedom and victory over addiction or destructive behaviours requires hard work and complete surrender to God's will. 

There are a lot of very good authors who give advice on battling pornography.  My favourite is Dr. Doug Weiss and his book CLEAN.  I needed to go even deeper and build a new foundation for my faith.  Three books by David G. Benner started this foundation for me: "Surrender to Love", "Desiring God's Will", and "The Gift of Being Yourself."  Reading these along with "The Shack" helped me to really see and feel God's incredible love for me in spite of all my sin.  I've also found Pastor James McDonald and his support material on his website Walk in the Word, to be very inspirational.

To maintain my sobriety, I meet weekly with my accountability partner, meet weekly with an addictions support group, put accountability software on my phone and computer (Accountable2you), spend daily regular time with God reading His work and listening to the Spirit and journaling.  Sharon bought me a joy journal and I need to regularly write the joys God has blessed me with.  Another key for me is being open & honest with Sharon and the kids.  Starting every day with prayer, submitting my weaknesses to purity to God.  The best way to strengthen our marriage is for me to continue to grow closer to God.

I just want to share with you a song that has meant so much to me over the last several months and years.  My favourite scripture verse is Psalm 46:10 "Be still and know that I am God" and this song goes well with that.

If any men would like to get together and talk, I would love to help and encourage you in any way I can.  The best thing you can do for yourself is to share your struggle with someone you can trust.  If you are married, you need to be open and honest with your wife and tell her what you are dealing with.  The best support in your healing and sobriety will be your wife.  You are not alone and I would love to support you as others have done for me.  Please feel free to contact me at kmklaassen@hotmail.com 

God loves you so much.  And He is excited by the changes you will take with Him.

~Keith

Part 3 - The Final Step in our Journey From Pornography to Purity

(If you haven't read the first two parts of our journey from Pornography to Purity, please go HERE to read the beginning.)

Part III

As I listened to Keith break down in tears and admit that he had fallen back into his dark addiction, I felt a peace that I cannot explain.  I listened and asked questions and tried to process what I was hearing, but somehow, I had a peace about all of this.  I cannot explain what I felt.  Maybe it was from having gone through this so many times before this, but I truly think it was because God had prepared me for this the few nights before.  It didn’t come as a shock. 

What I didn’t know was how to proceed.  I was hurt.  I was angry.  I was broken and devastated, but I had a calm that I couldn’t explain.  Over the next several days we continued to talk about where we were at and how his sexual addiction played a huge part in that.  We talked about the promise he had made to me and the kids 6 years previous, to give up porn or move out.  We talked about what would happen next.  And we didn’t know.  I didn’t know.  And so, I ran to God.  Over and over.  Daily.  Nightly.  Moment by moment.  Our kids were devastated.  They too felt that Keith had chosen his addiction over his family.  And how was I, as their mom, being completely devastated myself, supposed to give them support and encouragement when I didn’t even know what to believe?  All I could tell them was that beyond a shadow of a doubt, I knew we would be okay.  And that God would show me what to do.

And so, I prayed.  And the more I prayed, the more I felt God telling me:  Hold Keith to the words he gave you six years ago – “If I get back into porn, I will move out.”  But I couldn’t do that!!  Could I? It went against everything I had been raised with.  It went against everything I believed.  It went against everything I wanted. And the more I prayed, the more I felt strongly that I needed to hold Keith to those words.  And, yet again, I had to follow what I felt God telling me, even though for the life of me I couldn’t understand it.  And yet. . . . I had a peace.  A peace that I couldn’t understand.  But I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, God was telling me to “LET GO. Trust Me.  Give Keith back to Me and I will be your leader, your support, your strength.”  

And, with all of us in agony, on March 20th, 2018, Keith moved out.  And this time, it wasn’t with the intent of him coming back home once he’d worked out his issues.  This was it.  This was what God was telling me, and I needed to just obey.  Like Abraham, God promised me He would provide.  I didn’t know what that looked like.  I didn’t know how that would be possible. I just knew that whatever we needed, God would provide it.  Over and over again, God gave me the picture of a goat tangled in a shrub.  Over and over God reminded me that when Abraham thought there was no way out of his predicament, God provided a sacrifice. The ram in the thicket to be the sacrifice, instead of Isaac.  I had no idea how God was going to provide, but every day I clung to the promise that He would!

And so, we started a life separate from each other.  We worked out visit schedules with the kids and financial lines were drawn and still, I felt a peace.  (For those of you who know my struggle with anxiety and panic etc., you know how big of a deal this is that I felt peace.)  I didn’t know what the end would result in, but I knew I had a peace.  And over and over, God continue to tell me to trust in Him, and to wait on Him.  

During this time, God provided for Keith in so many ways as well.  Something that I had always felt Keith had struggled with, beyond his sexual addiction, was that He had never dealt with the issue of his accident and the loss of normal use of his legs due to his spinal cord injury.  I often had felt that his anger about his accident was keeping him from moving forward.  From healing.  During the first month, God provided a home for Keith that was a bigger answer to prayer than I could ever have imagined.  He provided more than just a home for Keith to stay at – He provided the beginnings of some deep healing for Keith.  There are only two other people in this world that know what Keith went through in the initial moments when he had his accident – the tow truck driver that was involved at the time, and Rob, his boss at the camp.  No one else was there.  And I know Keith has always had a deep connection with Rob because of what they experienced together in those initial moments after he broke his neck, back and leg.  Rob was there for him when no one else was.  And miraculously, God once again provided Rob to be there for him in a way this time around as well to provide a home, and healing for Keith.  During those early days being separated from his family, Keith was able to talk with Rob about his accident and life in a way that he had never had an opportunity.  And God allowed some deep healing to begin during those days he spent with Rob.  

During this time, God also provided an addiction recovery program to open up for Keith.  Again, God’s divine intervention.  Keith & I had talked about how he needed to get professional help for his addiction because what he’d been doing previously, had obviously not worked.  And in the “nick of time”, God provided.  Keith contacted a program called Path to Freedom, and miraculously was able to get accepted into the program on the very last day they were accepting applications – the exact day that Keith had contacted the church.  Coincidence?  Not at all.  This was my “goat tangled in the shrub” that God was providing for Keith. 

As Keith & I discussed where to go now that we were separated, Keith had mentioned that he would like us to go for marriage counseling.  The truth of the matter was that we had been for marriage counseling before, and it hadn’t gone anywhere.  We hadn’t been able to make any headway, and obviously, we were still in dire straits!  I told Keith that as I was thinking about counseling and how to move forward, a name kept coming into my head of a counselor that I thought might be able to help us.  When I mentioned his name, Keith began to weep – because it was the exact person who God had brought to his mind as well.  

In the weeks after this, we began to visit this pastor couple and God used them in an incredible way to continue the healing process.  Things that Keith had buried for many years were brought to the forefront.  He was able to deal with emotional hurts that he had experienced during his younger years and forgive his Dad, which in turn allowed Keith to free up his heart in many ways.  The neglect and abandonment he’d felt from his dad all those years before had built up into anger and resentment.  And acknowledging those feelings, I could see, brought a huge freedom to Keith.  He began to realize that God was not like his dad.  God loved him unconditionally and died for him because He loved Keith so much.  And as Keith explored the pain from his past, I began to see a very different person emerge.  One I had never known.  

During the months that passed, I also saw him explore the pain of his accident and give it over to God. Unbeknownst to Keith, one of the books that Path to Freedom was using was Joni Erickson’s book JONI.  I had read this book as a teen, but Keith never had.  As he read it, he realized something. Here was a woman who had gone through a similar situation (spinal cord injury) and who had way less mobility than Keith did, and she was still praising God.  Keith started to understand how God had had His hand on him throughout his accident and began to focus on the good instead of the negative of his accident.  And more than just words.  He began to feel grateful for all he’d gone through.  Even his wheelchair.

And as the weeks turned into months, time and time again, I saw how God’s timing was divine.  A former pastor of mine had come to Manitoba to do a Marriage Seminar.  Amazingly, we found out later, that he would be able to work it out that we could come to him in Ontario for a weekend where he would do some counseling with us.  After a month spent at Rob’s home, God provided a place for Keith to room & board at with one of our pastor’s homes.  A place that became a home of healing and peace for Keith.  There were so many times that I saw God provide for me and for Keith in ways I could never have imagined.  God brought people into my life that cared for me and the kids.  God brought people to talk to Keith at just the right time.

But I also continued to have doubts.  I saw the issues that still crept up in our marriage.  I saw how I had contributed to the negative atmosphere in our home and how my pride and selfishness had created an air of negativity in so many ways.  I also saw that how I treated Keith often sent him back into those years as a little boy feeling neglected and devalued.  I saw that when I treated him in a certain way, he would retreat into a shell and cut himself off from any feeling or connection to our family.  God was opening both our eyes to see how badly we had hurt each other and how we both had contributed to the demise of our marriage. 

Over the months that passed, God continued to heal Keith and to open his eyes to who he was in God.  God continued to show him through the Path to Freedom program, what his addiction had done to himself, and to me and our children.  He continued to learn how his addiction had stopped him from having a relationship with God.  He saw how his sexual addiction had caused him to set up walls, long before he and I had ever met, that never allowed for us to have the emotional intimacy we needed to maintain a marriage.  Those walls also never allowed him to have the emotional intimacy with God either, and so my desire to have a husband that would lead our family spiritual was truthfully never possible to that point.  

As the months apart unfolded, I saw a new person emerge.  I saw a vulnerability in Keith that I had never seen before.  I saw a relationship develop with God that had NEVER been there.  I saw a passion for spiritual things that I’d never seen.  I saw him begin a spiritual journey, a walk with God that was completely new.  It was a rebirth.  An awakening that was almost weird to watch.  Something I had certainly longed for, for many years, but never thought possible.  I saw walls come down.  I saw bitterness and anger melt away as Keith leaned into Jesus to receive His healing.  I saw a man taking ownership of his past and claiming God’s victory for his future.

And like a slap in the face I realized, God had given him back to me.  Not the old Keith.  Not the man broken and bound in sin.  But a new and improved version.  A man determined to make his marriage work.  A man passionate about fixing his relationship with his children.  A man victorious over his addiction.  A man who realized that without God’s help, he could do nothing.  

And so, six months after our initial separation, I realized God had indeed provided the “ram in the thicket”.  He had provided a path for us.  God had asked me to go out in faith, not knowing what the end result would be, but He provided.  In bigger and better ways than I could ever have dreamed.  

God gave us our family back.  In a way I never dreamed possible.  I truly thought our family could no longer get back together.  But God proved that He is more powerful than any doubts I had.  I know this is not always the end result.  And I know that there may be some of you reading this feeling the pain of a marriage that did not stay together.  I am fully aware that there are many of you out there feeling that pain.  And I think the one thing I can respond to that is that while all the credit goes to God for healing our marriage?  I also know that this would NOT be possible without Keith being willing to work as hard as he did.  He was not willing to walk away from his family.  I know that God gave him(us) the strength to work through those difficult issues, but Keith/we had to be willing to step up and do the work.  God doesn’t force us to do anything. He provides the power to make the changes, but we have to be willing to receive the power God provides.  And I want to be very clear that had Keith not been willing, or had I not been willing to make those changes that we needed to, and to hang on to every shred of strength and power that God provided, this story would be very different.  So, for those of you out there who are dealing with the pain, loss and brokenness of your marriage, please don’t think that I feel like you’ve done something wrong.  Or that God wasn’t powerful enough for you.  I know it takes two – AND God!!!

I am happy to share with you that as of October, Keith has moved back home.  This has been a journey of ups and downs, and while I know we are only four months into him being home, I can tell you that this is a very different homecoming.  I have a new husband.  Oh, sure, he is the same man physically (okay, well maybe a few more wrinkles and grey hairs because of our journey), but he is different because his heart is different.  His heart has been healed of so many of the pains he had carried around with him for years.  And when Keith came home, he made a promise to all of us.  

First, he presented me with a certificate of a promise and covenant to remain sexual pure as witnessed between him and God, and then he presented a Covenant of Blessing to our family renouncing any past sexual sins and to claim a blessing of purity over our family.  This is a covenant he has made with God, first and foremost.  This is a proclamation he has made to God, and then to us of his commitment to God and to our family.  And I can tell you, that I have a trust in Keith like I have never had.  

Don’t get me wrong.  We are a long way from having a perfect family – since that doesn’t really exist.  But we are working on it.  We are working on it TOGETHER.  And it is truly because of God’s grace, and Keith’s love for us and his determination to become a better man of God for himself, and for us, that we are able to be a united family.  Oh, believe me, they aren’t all happy moments.  But we are a whole united family.  And I can only give God the praise for taking that unsure Abraham moment and turning it into a praise offering to Him.  

 

Finally. . . . 

One of the things that plagued me over the last few weeks before Keith moved back home, as well as early on in our separation was this question:  How do I know Keith won’t ever do this to us again?  I wrestled with this question often.  And sometimes still do.  But the short answer to this question is: I don’t know that!  And in those early months, that spelled F.E.A.R.  As I walked this journey, God continued to remind me that He had only asked me to do one thing.  And I’d done it.  And that was all.  He didn’t tell me what the end result would be.  He only said, “Obey me.”  And I think that is the biggest lesson that I am learning. . . . still learning.  That God usually doesn’t give us the big picture.  He just gives us the small “right now” picture.  And that’s all we are supposed to know or do.

I am a “get all my ducks in a row” kind of person, so this is a huge and difficult lesson for me.  I want to protect myself from any unnecessary pain and I want to make sure that everything is indeed “awesome”.  But God is teaching me that that is not my job.  It’s not my job to make everything right, or perfect, or awesome.  My job is simply to lean on Him and trust Him that He’s got this all.  I may not understand it.  I may not even like it at times.  But I am learning to just give it all over to Jesus.  Put it in His hands.  You will notice I said learnING because it is definitely a process!!  There are days I want to take everything back and protect my heart, my kids’ hearts, but it just isn’t my job.  I can give it all over to God and just wait for His next instructions.  The moment I take charge, I move away from God’s best for my life.  God says, “Follow me”, not “Charge ahead and expect me to make it better.” 

So today, I give my marriage to God.  I give my tentative heart to God.  I give my kids’ fragile hearts to God.  And I pray for protection.  For me.  For my kids’.  For Keith.  And I continually seek God to find out what He wants from me.  And believe me, friend, I fail at even that.  I DO often go charging off like a crazed elephant.  But God pulls me back and gently reminds me that HE is in charge.  It’s like the little child in a mall.  So excited by all the toys and exciting things that she runs forward with sheer determination to see it all at once.  And suddenly, as she looks around for her Momma, realizes she’s gone off by herself.  Panic sets in.  The joy disappears.  And just like that the excitement and exhilaration she’d felt is gone.  But just before the tears and wails begin, there she is!  Momma is right there.  And so, she stays so close.  Hanging onto her hand.  Staying just one step behind.  And friends, that’s where we need to be.  Hand in hand.  Letting God LEAD us.  Walking WITH us.  And so, I encourage you, as I do myself. . . . Let God lead you.  Let God lead me.  He knows what lies ahead and will steer us around it.  Or He may very well take us THROUGH it.  And on the other side, we will come out shining!  Because God took us there.  Together.  Leading.  Guiding.  So, let’s listen to where God is taking us.  Don’t charge ahead.  Don’t do it on our own.  Just listen.

And that’s how I deal with the question “How do I know this will last?” How do I know Keith won’t do this to us again? I don’t know.  But God does, and whatever happens, HE WILL TAKE ME THROUGH IT!!!

Part 2 - Our Marriage Journey From Pornography to Purity

(Please note - this is part two in a 3 part series about our marriage journey.  Part 1 can be found here.  I'd love to chat with you about this so please either leave your contact info in the comment section, or email me at sharonk@mts.net otherwise I am unable to see who is commenting in the comments section.)




Part II

I ended my previous post about me finding my way back to an emotional healthy life.  With the help of an amazing counselor and a constant reminder from God that He was there, I found myself able to stand on my own two feet.

It was during this time that God allowed me to go back part time at the Preschool.  To a group of ladies that laughed much and helped me heal, even though they didn’t know all the dark details of what I’d gone through.  During this time, as I was healing, I began to realize just how big of a problem Keith had.  How big of a problem our family had.  When I’d found out that Keith had been back into pornography the previous February (2012), I hadn’t been able to do anything about it, let alone try to process how it affected our family now that we had young children.  But now that I had begun a journey of healing, I realized that this addiction was taking over our family.  It was a threat to our family, and so I went to God.  I prayed and begged God to show me what to do.

During this time, I began to realize just how much pornography had affected both Keith, and our marriage.  In my previous post, I wrote about how I had made a list of “must haves” for the man I wanted to marry and how Keith filled every point on the list - with the exception of one.  What I didn’t realize or didn’t want to realize was that this was the most important one on my list.  I wanted my husband to be a strong spiritual leader in our life and home.  I knew Keith was a Christian, but during our dating time, I realized that while he was a Christian, I didn’t see his faith played out in his life.  But, I downplayed my fears by telling myself that he would grow in his walk while he was at Bible School.  That once we were married, he would take on that leadership role.  That just because he wasn’t vocal with his faith, it didn’t mean that it would be always like that.  What I hadn’t realized at that time, was that Keith couldn’t have a strong relationship with God because he was plagued with guilt over his pornography use – something he had started when he was merely 12.  I had not been aware of any of this but knowing what I do now about how pornography affects a person, I can totally understand that Keith couldn’t progress in his spiritual walk because he was already an addict.

As I began to understand how his sexual addiction was affecting him, me and our children, I realized that every time I hadn’t dealt with the discoveries of his addiction, I was in fact, just giving him opportunity to continue.  Don’t get me wrong.  Each time I would discover something, he would quit …….. but the temptation was just too much for him to resist on his own strength, and within months he would sink back into it.   It was this realization that made me have to force something that was drastic.

I asked Keith to leave.

After much discussion and turmoil, he did finally move out in.  At this point it was not something that I felt was permanent, but I very strongly felt that having that presence in our home was affecting MY spiritual health AND the emotional wellness of our children.  But I couldn’t go on living this cycle and not dealing with the issue at hand.  And on October 12 of that year (2012), he packed his bags.  He eventually spent some time with some solid Christian men who guided him to a men's group where he could get help for his sexual addiction.  During those days, we pretty much spoke or texted daily.  I knew it was the most difficult thing for him, but I didn’t know how else to get his attention.  He needed help with his addiction and so far by having him “work it out” at home, it hadn’t helped at all.  During those days apart, we only told a few close friends what was happening and almost no one knew.  At that time, he had been on our church’s leadership team, and obviously he stepped down from that.  He shared his situation with our pastors and we had so much support from many people, who were praying for us daily.  With neither of us having family here in Manitoba, it was an incredibly lonely time for both us, as well as for our children.  As the days apart, turned into weeks, Keith & I began to grow closer together, and I could see that his relationship with God continued to grow and change.  He was attending sexual addiction counseling as well as addiction meetings and I was amazed at how for the first time he was facing his demons.  I could see how he was changing and how he was seeing how his addiction was affecting all of us.  So, just after a little more than a month apart, he moved back home.  I will be forever thankful for the two homes that God brought him to.

One of the biggest impacts that one home had on Keith was that they had a prayer room.  It was part office, but basically it was a quiet room that had worship music playing 24/7 and was almost like a sanctuary to meet God.  The way he talked about his time in this room was with such reverence and awe towards God that I decided to turn my scrapbook room into a prayer room as well.  And I can say that to this day, I love our space.  It also houses my office, but the time that I can spend with God here in this room is precious.  It is like I am almost instantly in God’s physical presence when I sit down to spend time with him.  It is silent with the exception of the quiet music praying and as I look out the window, I am almost always transported to a place where I feel like I can commune with God. I share about what our prayer room looks like here

Over the next couple of years, as we meandered life, things kind of hit a plateau.  They were neither great, but they weren’t horrible either.  However, after 3 or 4 years, things started to spiral.  I couldn’t put my finger on why we had drifted apart, but things were incredibly difficult.  Keith’s and my relationship had hit an all time low, but I can be very honest, I never once thought that he had fallen back into his addictive way.  But one thing was true, we were all unhappy.  We didn’t communicate.  Keith’s relationship with the kids was all but gone, and there certainly wasn’t any joy in our home.  I knew my emotional well being was in a good place, as was my relationship with God, but anything to do with Keith was in absolute shambles.

Finally, this last February 2018, I couldn’t handle it any more and I went to God begging Him to show me what to do.  Coming from a Christian home and community, divorce was not an option, yet I could see no other way to relieve the horrible feeling of being trapped in a loveless marriage.  I begged Keith to tell me what he was feeling and where he was at.  I continued to go to God and beg Him to make things better, or to let me out of this mess.  It was horrible, but thankfully I never went to those dark places emotionally that I had been to years earlier.  But what I did notice was the pain that all of it was causing my kids.  I saw the sadness on their faces.  I saw how Taylor just wanted to be away from home.  I saw her slipping further and further away from Keith.  I saw Peyton’s anger beginning to grow.  Other behaviours began to surface that, while I could attribute some of them to being a teen, I also began to realize that many of these were different and likely stemming from a volatile, unhappy home.  Arguments escalated, and the worst part was hearing my kids say that they were unhappy here.  I knew Taylor wanted Keith to move out, and eventually Peyton got to that point as well.  We were an incredibly unhappy home.

So, finally, after months of unhappiness, I said to Keith that we had to try and figure it out.  He said we would discuss it on a particular Friday night, which turned into Saturday night, and finally that Sunday last February, I sat down opposite from him and asked him what was happening to us.  He had no answers and truthfully very few words, which I had grown very accustomed to.  There were tears in his eyes but no words.

That night, I couldn’t sleep.  All I could do was beg God to give me some sort of answer.  I groaned to God all night long, not sleeping a wink.  I told him I just couldn’t do this anymore and didn’t understand how we had yet again gotten to such an unhappy place.  I tossed and turned all night long and begged and begged God for an answer.  And around 5 a.m. I got it.  As clear as day, as though it were written on a poster on my wall, God’s words were: Keith is back into pornography.


As I processed this thought, and how vividly it came to me, I realized that everything that was happening in our family led back to that very issue.  And it all started to make sense.  It became clear.  And with that answer clearly given to me, I feel asleep.  I had a peace.  I had an answer.  All the pieces fell into place and the picture finally came into view.

When I woke that morning, I said nothing to Keith.  I didn’t ask or challenge or anything.   I didn’t look for evidence or check his computer or phone.  I simply waited for God.  I prayed.  I prayed that if this was true, that I would know what to do and how to handle it.  I didn’t want to charge at Keith like a bull, but I wanted to do this how God wanted me to do it.  Because you see, the last time we had dealt with his addiction, Keith had said that if he ever got into pornography again, he would leave and this time it would be for good.  It would be permanent.  That’s how determined he said he was to never let it happen again.  So, I kept my thoughts to myself and just prayed.  And I prayed.  For 3 days I prayed to God to know what to do with this information.  I did not want this to be true.  Because if it WERE true, what then???

And so, on February 14, 2018 – a few days after my “encounter” with God, I decided to sit down and asked Keith.  With the kids otherwise occupied, I sat down and shared with him what had happened the previous Sunday night and what I thought God had shown me, and I asked him: Are you back into pornography?   He responded, “Well. . . . ”  and paused and looked away - and I knew.  I knew my worst fears, my kids’ worst fears were about to be confirmed.  Keith’s sex addiction had taken over our lives yet again.

And this time, I knew there was no coming back from it.

(I share the final part of our journey from Pornography to Purity HERE).

Our Marriage Journey: From Pornography to Purity (Part 1/3)

When I was young, and even into my teen years, I can’t say that I thought much about what I wanted my marriage to look like.  Quite honestly, I didn’t think much about my wedding or my dress or anything like that.  I knew there were lots of girls who had their whole wedding planned out, down to what they wanted their dress to look like, and they just needed the man.  I wasn’t like that.  I never thought about what I wanted my marriage to look like.  Once I was in my 20’s, I definitely knew what I didn’t want it to look like, but while I didn’t necessarily think about it a lot, hind sight, I realized I had a lot of expectations going into my marriage.  I did, however, have a list of “must be’s” and “must NOT be’s” – a list I began working on during my first year of Bible College thanks to a class taught by a dear older lady, Mrs. Friesen.  In that class we talked about all sorts of things, but the one thing that stuck with me was a question she had posed to us:  If you don’t know what kind of man you want, how will you know when you’ve found “the one”?  So, I started on my list.  My must haves, my must be’s and my “would be nice if. . .”

I met Keith during my 2nd year of Bible College and his 1st year.  I assumed that he was younger than me since he was in the same class as my brother who was two years younger than me.  I thought he was good looking, but I didn’t really know much about him, other than he liked sports and hunting.  Over the months we bumped into each other doing kitchen duties etc. and started chatting with him.  First year students weren’t allowed to date during the first semester during those days, so we just spent many afternoons and evenings chatting and getting to know each other.  I was not looking to date anyone and really had no thoughts about dating him, until December.  We had chatted about what the new semester and year would bring, and we both agreed that we would like to go out on a date.  So, we went on a date in January, and by the end of February, I knew he was the boy I wanted to marry.  On October 1 (1988), we got engaged, and we got married May 13, 1989.

And when we got married, I knew I had found the man for me.  In fact, he filled every one of the must haves with the exception of one, AND he even fulfilled some of my “would be nice ifs” including the fact that he drove a motorbike.  A year after we got married, we moved to Manitoba to start our camping ministry at Red Rock Bible Camp.  It was amazing how God had orchestrated all of these things to culminate in being involved in this ministry.  It was a good thing that we didn’t know that God would take us there to shake up our world when Keith had his accident there, but we knew God had set all of these things in place and we were ecstatic to be living at camp.

After Keith’s accident (details here), we moved to Steinbach and started out our lives living as a couple with a disability.  Of course, none of the expectations I’d had about my marriage involved caring for a husband in a wheelchair, but God helped us meander those waters, provided for us in ways I cannot even begin to write about, and helped us settle into a life in Steinbach, Manitoba.  Life was good.  I was working at the Bible Camp in the camp office, and Keith was now working in Steinbach, where he had been trained for a new job. It wasn’t what we had planned for our life, but for the most part life was good.  We were able to visit our families in Ontario and Saskatchewan on a regular basis and while Steinbach didn’t quite feel like home yet, we were happy there.

Then came the bombshell.  The day my image that I’d had of my marriage came shattering down.  I discovered that my husband was involved in pornography.  I remember the day distinctly.  The absolute sick feeling I had when I discovered the websites on our computer.  The nausea that I felt thinking about how to confront him.  The anger.  The betrayal. And then self-blaming.  The questioning of everything about myself.  The questions of why?  The guilt that I was not enough for him.  The shame I felt that I was inadequate.  I told no one.  I was humiliated.  I was devastated.  How could he have done this to me?  How could God have directed me to someone who would do this to me???  Over the next several months, Keith begged me to believe him that he was done with it.  That this would never happen again.  That he was incredibly sorry for his mistake and that he would make it up to me.  And so, we worked to try to move beyond it.  We prayed.  We shared.  And we grew.  And my trust in him returned.  Obviously, that did not happen overnight, and obviously there were some very difficult days, but we worked through it.  And we got back to a solid relationship.  Or so I thought.

A few years later, I again discovered that he had slipped back into those same old ways.  But this time, the sites were more graphic.  The sin had become a habit.  And the grip of it was tighter.  I was sickened!!! How could I have been so naïve as to trust him?  How had this happened yet again?  How had my marriage become about other women?  Why did he want them and not me?  The questions swirled around in my head.  The lies I told myself, that Satan filled my head with, were deafening.  And so, our marriage floundered.  What was I to do? What COULD I do?  He hadn’t actually gone out and cheated on me.  .  . or had he??? The mistrust continued to grow.  The pain got buried.  The walls grew thicker.  And our marriage was in name only.  Eventually, we developed a life of co-existing but not really living.  I checked the computer continually.  And after a few years, began to believe that this was indeed over.

It was during this time that our children were born.  First, our miracle Taylor through adoption in 2001 and then Peyton through a surprise pregnancy in 2004. (The doctors told us that I would never be able to conceive, so he was indeed our 2nd miracle baby!!)  As the children grew older, we became more settled in Steinbach.  It had by default become “home”.  Our children had friends here.  Keith’s job continued to advance, and I was happy at home being a mom.


Until the bomb dropped yet again.  Pornography.  It reared its ugly head yet again.  And so, the cycled repeated itself again. The pain.  The promises.  The pattern.  But this time, I had my children to ease my pain.  And I couldn’t walk away from my marriage because now it wasn’t just me anymore.  I had the kids to think about.  And the walls got thicker.  And more impenetrable.  The distance grew, as did the mistrust.  I shuttered every time he mentioned a woman at work.  I would stop by his work to bring the kids to visit him at work and see every woman who was more beautiful than me.  I would see the plunging necklines and know he was looking.  And know he was lusting.  I’d watch his eyes follow women at the mall.  And the pain continued to grow.  But what could I do?
During these years, my relationship with God was still up and down.  As Moms of little ones know, there wasn’t much time for me.  There was a life to create.  There were moments to make for my kids.  And so, I buried the pain.  I buried the reality that my husband had a sex addiction.  And I created a fake life for those around us to see.  I created a façade that made it seem that we had it all together.  I created an image that when viewed by others, was a family who endured injury, infertility, adoption etc. and survived.  We created an image of family that had it all together.  We appeared spiritually strong.  We appeared happy and secure.  We appeared to be “fine”.

And so, our little fake happy home continued.  Until the day my son at 8 years old opened up his dad’s computer to find pornography.  The words, “Mommy, what are these pictures on the computer?” are embedded in my head.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to shriek.  I wanted to throw things.  But instead, I calmly closed the computer and told Peyton to go and do something else.  These were big people pictures.  It made me sick.  It made me want to vomit.  But, this was also the exact time that I was struggling with my depression, anxiety and panic episodes and so couldn’t even physically do anything.  I remember confronting Keith with the question why, and his response sent me even further into the pit of darkness.  “I’ve had to take care of everything on my own for the past several months.  You’ve done nothing.  So, I had to finally take care of myself.”

Shame.  Guilt.  Agony.  My world was rocked.  My heart was broken, and any expectations I had for a happy marriage were shattered.

But it was all I could do to try to hold myself together to care for my kids.  And I wasn’t doing a very good job of it.  Between the devastation of giving up my job at the camp, and not understanding what God had done by prompting me to leave the Preschool, to find out that my husband was still involved in his sex addiction, life spiraled out of control.  I didn’t want to live.  At least I didn’t want to live the way it was at that point.  However, I remember sitting in my office listening to the Casting Crowns songs, Praise You in This Storm and Jesus Hold Me Now.  And Laura Story’s song Blessings.  And somehow, I started to feel God’s arms around me.  I started to feel Him lifting me.  My medication started to kick in.  And I found a good Godly counselor.  And I started to lift my head out of the dark murky waters.  I started to realize that God STILL had a purpose and a plan for my life.  He was still there.  He had never left me.  He had not deserted me.  He was holding my life in His hands.  And He was there.

The journey back from those dark days weren’t easy.  I realized that I had to heal first before I could even try to restore my family.  And so, I allowed God to heal me.  I allowed myself the time to heal before making any decisions.  Before taking any steps.  I listened.  I waited.  For God to guide me.  For God to speak to me.  And for God to tell me what to do next.

And He did.  Because God is faithful.  And while the world around us – our world – falls apart, He is there holding us.  Holding me.  Holding you.  I didn’t know where God was going to take me.  I didn’t know what He had in store for me.  But I waited and trusted that He would take me through it.  And He did.

There is more to this journey.  And I want to share more with you about how Jesus took our broken messed up family and put it back together.  Not because of anything I did.  Not because of anything Keith did.  But He put it back together.  He brought joy back to our family. He brought healing to our hearts.

But not before He would allow us to go through even more difficult waters than we could have ever imagined.  

(Part 2 of our journey can be found HERE)

From WHY God to PRAISE God! (Abraham Moment #2)

Over the years, God has always been a constant presence in my life.  For the most part I have never waivered away from my walk with God, but like most, I have had times when I have wandered a little further away from my relationship than what I should have.  Times when my walk with Him was in name only and not so much in action.  On the other hand, there have been many times when my walk has been so powerful and close that it was as 2nd nature to me as breathing.  So my walk has had it’s highs and lows.  I can honestly say that the lows were always my own doing, and the highs were completely God’s doing.  Sometimes it took God to completely shake up my world to get me to realize just how much I needed him and other times, it was a gradual decline, until one day I would realize how far I had gotten away from Him and then gradually work my way back into that day to day, minute to minute relationship.

I want to share with you about one of those times (and when I say times I mean the year or more that it took me to get on track!!!) because again, it is one of those Abraham moments that I have had in my life – even though I didn’t necessarily recognize it as such when I was walking through it.

I know I have shared this story before, but it is such a defining moment in my “mid-life” that it has really shaped me into who I am today.

As both my kids entered into elementary school, the thought about “what I would do with my life” started to develop.  I knew I would have my days free and with two growing kids, Keith & I came to the realization that I would in fact have to get back into the work force.  Before children I was working at Red Rock Bible Camp as the office manager which I did for 7 years after we moved to Steinbach, due to Keith’s accident.  (You can read about that journey here.) When I left the camp ministry in 2001, we had made application to adopt and subsequently ended up having two precious miracles added to our lives.  Taylor through adoption, and Peyton by a surprise birth. So for about 7 or 8 years I had not been working outside the home, and when it came time to get back into the workforce I was petrified!!

Step in ... God!  Through a couple conversations with people, I was encouraged to see if there were any job openings at the Preschool that both our kids had attended, which was run by the church we were attending.  Long story short, I got accepted and jumped back into the world of working for pay!  I spent several wonderful years at the preschool resulting in some amazing friendships with the ladies I worked with, and relationship with kids who I still have contact with to this day!  However, in the back of my mind was the thought that I would one day love to return to camping ministry.  That was something God had placed on my heart many years ago, and I just assumed that is where He would ultimately have me end up.

In June or 2012, my sister Wendy had come to visit and I was showing her around Steinbach.  I took her to the preschool and introduced her to my friend and director there, and on our way home, drove by the Red Rock office to show her where I had worked before we had kids.  I told her that day, “In my dream world, I would get to go back Red Rock and be the office manager there again.”  I loved my job at the preschool, but just thought God would take me back to camp.  We headed back home, and so I went to my office and checked my emails, and to my shock, there was an email from the Director at the camp letting all the alumni know that the Office Manager position would be available that fall.  I was stunned!!!  Shocked!!!  I couldn’t believe I had just shared this with Wendy, and not more than 5 minutes after voicing it to her, I found out that the very position which I had been dreaming about was in fact available. 

I can tell you, my stomach was in knots!! Was this a sign?  Should I follow my dream?  But I had a perfectly wonderful job at the preschool that I loved.  With people I loved working with! Why would I leave it?  So I prayed. Keith prayed. And we had several other people pray with us for a week to really be open to where God was leading me.  Yes, it was my dream.  But was it God’s direction?  After a week of praying and seeking counsel, Keith & I decided that I would approach Kim, the camp director, to let him know that I would be interested in returning to the office manager position.  I had worked for Kim during the seven years previous, not to mention that he was a close friend, so I was pretty excited to tell him that I was interested.  In the end, I was accepted back to the position, with training to start that summer.  It was not easy letting go of my teaching position at the preschool, and the thought of the job not going well at the camp was one of my biggest fears.  What if I was letting go of a job I loved at the preschool, only to have this new one fail?  But I clung to the knowledge that we had prayed through the decision, as had the camp, and so we trusted that this was all a part of what God would have for me.

During the month of July, I started retraining for the office manager, and quickly realized that things were not the same as what they had been when I to be when I had worked there.  SO much had changed in the 10+ years that I had been gone!  But I forged ahead, quickly realizing that I was also very different than I had been 10 years ago.  Within a month I realized that I did not handle stress very well!  And the job was much more difficult than I had anticipated!  The changes that the camp had gone through were much bigger than I thought and nothing seemed the same.  After several weeks, I began to wonder why God had allowed me to get this job, when I so evidently was failing at it.  I began to doubt Him.  The stress and anxiety I felt was overwhelming.  I would come home at nights and sink into bed and cry.  I was unable to sleep, eat, or care for my family.  And my relationship with God became a series of cries WHY GOD?  After 3 months of trying to make things work at the job I had dreamed of going back to, of the job I was SO SURE God had led me to, for my own health and that of my family, I had to quit.  I was devastated.  The worst-case scenario that had gone through my head four months earlier was now playing out in my life.  I couldn’t believe it.  I couldn’t believe how God had let me down.  I had sought His direction.  I had prayed about it – more than any other decision in my entire life.  And here I was.  Broken.  A failure.  A mess.  Forsaken by God. 

For several months, I spiraled into a deep depression, struggling with anxiety, panic attacks, sleeplessness, suicidal thoughts etc. and many, many awful months of despair.  These were some of the darkest awful days and nights of my life. 

At one point, I just felt I couldn’t go on.  It was not worth it.  God had abandoned me.  And it was better off for my family, if I wasn’t there.  I was of no use to them anyway.  And the very thing that I had done to follow God – seeking Him out in my decision – had failed me. 

It was at some point during these dark days that Keith had shared with his boss about what I was going through.  Because the truth was, Keith had prayed those same prayers of direction from God, and this is where it had ended.  Thankfully His boss (an amazing Godly man!) shared with Him an incredible concept that changed my life.  And still does to this day.  He said, “God calls us to obey Him.  And that’s all.  If you obeyed Him, then leave the rest to Him.”  I had obeyed God, and slowly I started to realize that I had had my own agenda for God.  Today, I don’t doubt for a moment that I was supposed to be at Red Rock for those few months.  You see, God had bigger plans for me. 

I had taken my Abraham step.  BUT I thought I knew where God was going to take me.  I thought I had God all figured out.  I thought that by obeying God and following His direction, I would live out my working days at the camp.  However, that was not God’s plan.  I followed His prompting.  BUT I created my own agenda for God.  What I didn’t know at that time was that God was preparing me for bigger things.  Things that I would NEVER have been able to do without stepping away from the Preschool.  And God knew that the only way I would be able to make the decision to leave the preschool was for me to go back to what I thought my dream job was.  And the only way I would ever be able to let go of what I thought was dream job was, was to let me go back into it to realize that the job was not the same as when I’d had it 10+ years earlier. 

All because God had a different plan for me.

God wanted me to be a piano teacher! 

And I can honestly say that if I had stayed at the preschool, I don’t think there is any way I would have left that job to become a piano teacher.  God needed to take me through those necessary dark days, those difficult moments, to bring me to the moments of joy that I get to experience with my piano students every week.  The music that I get to help bring into the homes of my piano students is so fulfilling and joy bringing to me!  And I would never have been able to do that if I had not taken that initial step of following God’s prompting to leave the Preschool.  Granted in this story, I kinda made it about my steps after I sought God, but in the end, He helped me to see that He had bigger things for me.  He knew the joy that would fill my days listening to students’ music, but also being able to listen to their stories about their days and being able to bring a smile to their hearts and days after a tough school day, or a difficult morning.  These are all things that God brought me to because I took that step of obedience.  That Abraham moment.  God got me to take that first step.  And it was painful.  It was incredibly sad letting go of a dream of going back to camp.  I spent many tough, dark days after that Abraham moment.  But once again, God blessed it.  And thankfully, God has given me brighter days.  Days filled with children’s laughter.  Days filled with music.  Days filled with JOY! 

I am often reminded about the nugget that Eric shared with Keith all those years ago.  Obey God.  And let HIM do the rest.  If we are obeying God, then we need to leave the results up to Him.  Things won’t always go the way we expect.  It may hurt.  It may hurt a lot.  It may get dark.  BUT, armed with the knowledge that God was in it?  We do not have to doubt that He will take us through it to something beautiful.

Broken to Beautiful (Abraham Moment #1)

So….. I have been wrestling with getting back into writing this blog, and particularly struggling somewhat with sharing what’s been on my heart.  This past Sunday I was praying that I would have a very clear direction as to whether or not I should go ahead and share my story and believe it or not, Pastor Kent made a small but poignant statement in his sermon this Sunday “If you have a story, SHARE IT!”  I could not argue with that! So I hope you will bear with me as I venture down some rabbit holes to get to the main story that I want to share with you.

Although, having decided to share it, I still had no idea how to jump into it.  You see, our family has been on a crazy journey this past year and while I do want to share with you how God has worked and done more miracles in our lives, it is a journey that is difficult to share and put into words.  (This will be part one of ?)

So, I think I will go back many years and start there.  Because long before this past year happened, God had already been working in me and showing me things about Himself that I needed to know and experience to help me through the waters I was supposed to walk through years later.

Over the years, there have been a handful of times that I remember God speaking very clearly to me.  I wouldn’t say they were audible, but times where I could not dispute that it was God’s calling or nudging me forward to do something.  I can honestly say that without a doubt they were always things that I truthfully did not want to do, but that God was very clearly pushing me through.

The first time was when I was 18 years old.

What some of you may not know is that growing up I came from a pretty strict home.  Dating was not an option for any of us, and so when a boy I liked, approached my parents to see if he would be allowed to take me out on a date, I was terrified.  I was SURE my parents would say no but I guess since I was in my grade 12 high school year, with plans to complete Grade 13 (something Ontario students had the option of doing back in the 80’s) my parents didn’t see the harm in it (or more than likely, they just gave in!! LOL)  He was a Godly boy whose family knew our family and so I think my parents felt comfortable knowing they knew him and the standards he and his family held.

After dating for over a year, I was making plans to head to Bible College in Saskatchewan.  I was very much in love, but planned to go to Bible College and head back home the next spring to plan my future.  A few months before I left for Bible College I started to wrestle with a thought God was placing in my mind – that the future that I was planning with my boyfriend was not what God was planning for my future.

The previous summer, I had been sponsored by Conestoga Bible Camp to attend a Leadership Training Camp at Bark Lake Leadership & Conference Center.  While I was there, I had one of the most profound encounters with God in my whole life.  My friend Roxanne and I had been sitting outside under rain ponchos during a thunder and lightening storm.  This Leadership Camp was not a Christian camp and by the time this storm happened, she and I were incredibly lonely and were missing our families, friends and Christian connections very much.  So there, in the pouring rain, with thunder pounding and lightening flashing, we sang How Great Thou Art and worshiped God like I have never experienced again.  It was an incredible spiritual experience for me, one where I could almost tangibly feel the presence of God.  After that Leadership camp experience, I felt so strongly that God was calling me to do camp ministry.  Once the summer was done, I pushed that feeling aside, and proceeded to complete my Grade 13 year.  However, during that year, the feeling that God was calling me into camp ministry did not subside. In fact, it got increasingly stronger.  Of course, during this time, I was also growing in my relationship with my boyfriend, who I knew did not have this same calling.  In fact, he very much felt God calling him to work with his home church, to grow, nurture and lead that church.  I remember chatting about my struggle with him, but since we were both heading to separate Bible Colleges, didn’t spend a lot of time exploring it. In my own mind, I knew I was in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but also knew that we seemed to be on two separate paths as to where God was calling us.  Once settled into Bible College, the draw to camp ministry continued to get stronger and stronger and it was shortly after my 19th birthday that I couldn’t ignore what God was asking of me.  Will you choose Me (God) or choose what you (Sharon) want?  I can easily say that this was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made in my entire life.  Knowing I was breaking hearts, my own included, to follow a direction that I knew God was calling me to but feeling like I was giving up everything I wanted and loved.  I agonized for many days over what I knew God was calling me to do, but what my heart didn’t want to do.  And I can say this was one of my first Abraham moments in my life.  Listening to God’s calling to do something I honestly had no desire to do, nor any understanding of in that moment.  And I can say that breaking up with my boyfriend was one of the most difficult things I’ve done.  And truthfully, there were many, many times after that, that I questioned God.  I knew I had made the right decision, but I knew I was devastated and other than knowing I was doing what God had asked of me, there was no “amazing light moment” or endless joy after making that decision.  Obviously looking back on that, I can see how God was prompting me to follow Him because the 12+ years I did spend involved in the camping ministry at Red Rock Bible Camp would never have happened.  I would never have met my husband.  I would never have my two beautiful miracle children. And the list goes on.  But I can tell you in the moment, I could not understand God. I could understand the pain I was feeling.  The grief and loss of the dreams I’d had.  And yet, I had chosen to follow His prompts.

But what this all boils down to is that when God tells us to do something, we need to follow His prompting.  He hasn’t promised that it will be easy.  He hasn’t promised it will be all smooth.  He hasn’t even always shown us what’s at the end.  But I can promise you that it will be worth it.  Oh, the pain was awful.  And the grief I felt about giving that relationship back to God stayed with me for years.  The guilt I felt at times was consuming.  But God honoured my decision to choose Him.  And while I didn’t know why at first?  Over the following years, He showed me that He had indeed called me to camping ministry.  And the decision I made to follow Him at the expense of my own desires, proved that God was and is faithful.  That God is in control.  That God is sovereign, and He sees and knows the bigger plan.

So, this was my first real “Abraham Moment” that I have experienced, and I can’t wait to share more with you.  They all lead up to where God has been taking me/our family to this year, and how yet again, God proved to me that when I just do as He asks, as painful as it is perhaps in that very moment, that He is there, and He is beside me the whole time.  And He brings the joy at the end. It might not always look the way I had envisioned it to look. But He brings me to the place that He wants me to be my best at.  Sometimes those journeys are painful.  Sometimes they might not seem like they have an end.  Sometimes we might not know "the why" for years to come.  But I can promise that no matter what. . . NO MATTER WHAT. . . being in God's will. . . following His prompting is worth it.  no. matter. what.

Deuteronomy 4:39

Know therefore today, and take it to your heart, that the LORD, He is God in heaven above and on the earth below; there is no other.

Silent Saturday

Today is the middle day of Easter.  Saturday.  The day that very little is written about it but so much must have gone on.  I am trying to imagine what it must have been like on that Saturday.  For the disciples.  For Mary – Jesus mother.  For Jesus Himself.  For Satan.  For God the Father.

Can you imagine the disciples?  Here the man they had followed for the last several years, who claimed to be their Messiah – the long awaited one – was now dead.  He’d been killed and while Jesus Himself had predicted this, I cannot imagine the agony and disbelief they must have felt.  The day after.  They must have been angry.  They must have felt deceived.  I bet they questioned every little thing they had heard Jesus tell them and yet wondered at all the signs and miracles He had performed.  Did they believe His message?  Were they trying to reconcile in their own minds that Jesus was the Messiah but now He was gone?

What about Mary?  I can only try to imagine the agony she must have felt at loosing her son.  Beyond the fact the He was the Son of God.  Her baby.  Her first born gone.  Yes, I believe she understood who He was.  I believe she got – likely more than most – that He was the Messiah.  The one who had been promised so many years before.  But to her, Jesus was her boy.  Her baby.  Her cherished child.  And now he was gone.  Did she believe that He would be resurrected?  I can imagine that she would have believed that in the end Jesus would have been spared death.  That if He truly was the Son of God that He would be spared the brutality He experienced.  That in the end despite that brutality, death would not touch Him.  But she witnessed with her own eyes her son’s death.  She saw His limp body being taken down off the cross.  She knew he was gone.  The agony she must have felt on this Silent Saturday!!!

And what about Jesus?  Jesus was in Hell.  He was experiencing the agony that we should experience.  He was going through everything that we would have had to go through, except for the fact that Jesus was taking it on Himself.  I really don’t know and can’t even begin to imagine what He was going through after His death.  I don’t know enough about Hell to try to conjure up images of what Jesus was enduring.  But I know enough to know that it was awful.  For the Son of God to go through what He was.  For me.  For all of us.  What love.  What agony.  But what a gift!!! 

And what about Satan.  I think He must have been beside himself with delight.  In his mind he had conquered God.  He had finished what he set out to do – by destroying Jesus.  He must have been ecstatic.  Probably sitting back in disbelief thinking how on earth did I accomplish this?  What now?  I’ve done what I set out to do?  He must have thought that he was now better than God because he had taken down God’s Son.  What a fool.  What a mistake.  What complete failure!!

And for God the Father. . . Watching His Son be brutalized and die.  And then know the most awful thing He was enduring – Hell.  To know that He allowed Jesus to go through all that suffering and to experience Hell because Jesus loved His people so much.  I often wonder – how much more God the Father must love us.  Because He ALLOWED Jesus to sacrifice Himself for US – for ME.  I sometimes try to imagine the conversation between the Father and Jesus.  When Jesus said that He wanted to die for us.  What must God have said?  NO WAY!!!  They made their own mistakes.  They need to pay for their own sins.  You’ve done nothing wrong.  I imagine Jesus pleading on our behalf with God.  Telling Him just how much He loves us and how He didn’t want us to have to go through the torture of Hell and how He wanted to take that on for us.  I imagine what love God had for Jesus and what love He must have for us to allow His Precious Son to go through the torture and ultimate depths of Hell – for me.  For us.  And on that Silent Saturday.  As He thought on the agony that His Precious Son was going through.  He knew Jesus would rise again and be with Him, but He also knew everything that Jesus was taking on for us.  I can’t imagine the anguish God the Father must have been feeling for us.  (I realize I am humanizing God and trying to put human qualities on a God that cannot be humanized.  Please forgive me if you find that offensive.  I am only trying to understand – something I never will fully be able to do on this side of Heaven – what transpired that day.)

 

So on this Silent Saturday, I sit staring up into the cold blue sky thinking about that day.  Thinking about what all transpired on that Saturday between Jesus’ death, and His resurrection. Thinking of what that Saturday must have been like for all involved.  Thinking about the agony, the despair, the awfulness that must have been experienced on that day.  And I wonder.   This all happened for me.  This all started because Jesus loved me so much.  I am the reason.  I am the one Jesus loved so much that He was willing to go through all of it.  I am the one that God saw and said “Yes.  I am willing to let my Son die – for her.”  What a gift.  What a treasure.  What amazing grace.

So on this Silent Saturday.  What will I do with this gift?  What will I do with this grace?  What will I do with this treasure Jesus has gifted to me?  Will I honour Him?  Will I give my Life back to Him?  Will I boldly share with others about this gift that they too can receive?  On this Silent Saturday, I challenge you to take a look at your life, as I am doing today, to search silently within the quietness of your own heart and see if yours is right with Jesus.  See if what you are doing brings glory and honour to the One who laid down His life for you. 

“Be Still and know that I am God.”  On this Silent Saturday, lets think about what Jesus did for us, and what we can do for Him.

May you have a blessed Easter as you contemplate what this Gift means to you!!