Part 2 - Our Marriage Journey From Pornography to Purity

(Please note - this is part two in a 3 part series about our marriage journey.  Part 1 can be found here.  I'd love to chat with you about this so please either leave your contact info in the comment section, or email me at sharonk@mts.net otherwise I am unable to see who is commenting in the comments section.)




Part II

I ended my previous post about me finding my way back to an emotional healthy life.  With the help of an amazing counselor and a constant reminder from God that He was there, I found myself able to stand on my own two feet.

It was during this time that God allowed me to go back part time at the Preschool.  To a group of ladies that laughed much and helped me heal, even though they didn’t know all the dark details of what I’d gone through.  During this time, as I was healing, I began to realize just how big of a problem Keith had.  How big of a problem our family had.  When I’d found out that Keith had been back into pornography the previous February (2012), I hadn’t been able to do anything about it, let alone try to process how it affected our family now that we had young children.  But now that I had begun a journey of healing, I realized that this addiction was taking over our family.  It was a threat to our family, and so I went to God.  I prayed and begged God to show me what to do.

During this time, I began to realize just how much pornography had affected both Keith, and our marriage.  In my previous post, I wrote about how I had made a list of “must haves” for the man I wanted to marry and how Keith filled every point on the list - with the exception of one.  What I didn’t realize or didn’t want to realize was that this was the most important one on my list.  I wanted my husband to be a strong spiritual leader in our life and home.  I knew Keith was a Christian, but during our dating time, I realized that while he was a Christian, I didn’t see his faith played out in his life.  But, I downplayed my fears by telling myself that he would grow in his walk while he was at Bible School.  That once we were married, he would take on that leadership role.  That just because he wasn’t vocal with his faith, it didn’t mean that it would be always like that.  What I hadn’t realized at that time, was that Keith couldn’t have a strong relationship with God because he was plagued with guilt over his pornography use – something he had started when he was merely 12.  I had not been aware of any of this but knowing what I do now about how pornography affects a person, I can totally understand that Keith couldn’t progress in his spiritual walk because he was already an addict.

As I began to understand how his sexual addiction was affecting him, me and our children, I realized that every time I hadn’t dealt with the discoveries of his addiction, I was in fact, just giving him opportunity to continue.  Don’t get me wrong.  Each time I would discover something, he would quit …….. but the temptation was just too much for him to resist on his own strength, and within months he would sink back into it.   It was this realization that made me have to force something that was drastic.

I asked Keith to leave.

After much discussion and turmoil, he did finally move out in.  At this point it was not something that I felt was permanent, but I very strongly felt that having that presence in our home was affecting MY spiritual health AND the emotional wellness of our children.  But I couldn’t go on living this cycle and not dealing with the issue at hand.  And on October 12 of that year (2012), he packed his bags.  He eventually spent some time with some solid Christian men who guided him to a men's group where he could get help for his sexual addiction.  During those days, we pretty much spoke or texted daily.  I knew it was the most difficult thing for him, but I didn’t know how else to get his attention.  He needed help with his addiction and so far by having him “work it out” at home, it hadn’t helped at all.  During those days apart, we only told a few close friends what was happening and almost no one knew.  At that time, he had been on our church’s leadership team, and obviously he stepped down from that.  He shared his situation with our pastors and we had so much support from many people, who were praying for us daily.  With neither of us having family here in Manitoba, it was an incredibly lonely time for both us, as well as for our children.  As the days apart, turned into weeks, Keith & I began to grow closer together, and I could see that his relationship with God continued to grow and change.  He was attending sexual addiction counseling as well as addiction meetings and I was amazed at how for the first time he was facing his demons.  I could see how he was changing and how he was seeing how his addiction was affecting all of us.  So, just after a little more than a month apart, he moved back home.  I will be forever thankful for the two homes that God brought him to.

One of the biggest impacts that one home had on Keith was that they had a prayer room.  It was part office, but basically it was a quiet room that had worship music playing 24/7 and was almost like a sanctuary to meet God.  The way he talked about his time in this room was with such reverence and awe towards God that I decided to turn my scrapbook room into a prayer room as well.  And I can say that to this day, I love our space.  It also houses my office, but the time that I can spend with God here in this room is precious.  It is like I am almost instantly in God’s physical presence when I sit down to spend time with him.  It is silent with the exception of the quiet music praying and as I look out the window, I am almost always transported to a place where I feel like I can commune with God. I share about what our prayer room looks like here

Over the next couple of years, as we meandered life, things kind of hit a plateau.  They were neither great, but they weren’t horrible either.  However, after 3 or 4 years, things started to spiral.  I couldn’t put my finger on why we had drifted apart, but things were incredibly difficult.  Keith’s and my relationship had hit an all time low, but I can be very honest, I never once thought that he had fallen back into his addictive way.  But one thing was true, we were all unhappy.  We didn’t communicate.  Keith’s relationship with the kids was all but gone, and there certainly wasn’t any joy in our home.  I knew my emotional well being was in a good place, as was my relationship with God, but anything to do with Keith was in absolute shambles.

Finally, this last February 2018, I couldn’t handle it any more and I went to God begging Him to show me what to do.  Coming from a Christian home and community, divorce was not an option, yet I could see no other way to relieve the horrible feeling of being trapped in a loveless marriage.  I begged Keith to tell me what he was feeling and where he was at.  I continued to go to God and beg Him to make things better, or to let me out of this mess.  It was horrible, but thankfully I never went to those dark places emotionally that I had been to years earlier.  But what I did notice was the pain that all of it was causing my kids.  I saw the sadness on their faces.  I saw how Taylor just wanted to be away from home.  I saw her slipping further and further away from Keith.  I saw Peyton’s anger beginning to grow.  Other behaviours began to surface that, while I could attribute some of them to being a teen, I also began to realize that many of these were different and likely stemming from a volatile, unhappy home.  Arguments escalated, and the worst part was hearing my kids say that they were unhappy here.  I knew Taylor wanted Keith to move out, and eventually Peyton got to that point as well.  We were an incredibly unhappy home.

So, finally, after months of unhappiness, I said to Keith that we had to try and figure it out.  He said we would discuss it on a particular Friday night, which turned into Saturday night, and finally that Sunday last February, I sat down opposite from him and asked him what was happening to us.  He had no answers and truthfully very few words, which I had grown very accustomed to.  There were tears in his eyes but no words.

That night, I couldn’t sleep.  All I could do was beg God to give me some sort of answer.  I groaned to God all night long, not sleeping a wink.  I told him I just couldn’t do this anymore and didn’t understand how we had yet again gotten to such an unhappy place.  I tossed and turned all night long and begged and begged God for an answer.  And around 5 a.m. I got it.  As clear as day, as though it were written on a poster on my wall, God’s words were: Keith is back into pornography.


As I processed this thought, and how vividly it came to me, I realized that everything that was happening in our family led back to that very issue.  And it all started to make sense.  It became clear.  And with that answer clearly given to me, I feel asleep.  I had a peace.  I had an answer.  All the pieces fell into place and the picture finally came into view.

When I woke that morning, I said nothing to Keith.  I didn’t ask or challenge or anything.   I didn’t look for evidence or check his computer or phone.  I simply waited for God.  I prayed.  I prayed that if this was true, that I would know what to do and how to handle it.  I didn’t want to charge at Keith like a bull, but I wanted to do this how God wanted me to do it.  Because you see, the last time we had dealt with his addiction, Keith had said that if he ever got into pornography again, he would leave and this time it would be for good.  It would be permanent.  That’s how determined he said he was to never let it happen again.  So, I kept my thoughts to myself and just prayed.  And I prayed.  For 3 days I prayed to God to know what to do with this information.  I did not want this to be true.  Because if it WERE true, what then???

And so, on February 14, 2018 – a few days after my “encounter” with God, I decided to sit down and asked Keith.  With the kids otherwise occupied, I sat down and shared with him what had happened the previous Sunday night and what I thought God had shown me, and I asked him: Are you back into pornography?   He responded, “Well. . . . ”  and paused and looked away - and I knew.  I knew my worst fears, my kids’ worst fears were about to be confirmed.  Keith’s sex addiction had taken over our lives yet again.

And this time, I knew there was no coming back from it.

(I share the final part of our journey from Pornography to Purity HERE).