From WHY God to PRAISE God! (Abraham Moment #2)

Over the years, God has always been a constant presence in my life.  For the most part I have never waivered away from my walk with God, but like most, I have had times when I have wandered a little further away from my relationship than what I should have.  Times when my walk with Him was in name only and not so much in action.  On the other hand, there have been many times when my walk has been so powerful and close that it was as 2nd nature to me as breathing.  So my walk has had it’s highs and lows.  I can honestly say that the lows were always my own doing, and the highs were completely God’s doing.  Sometimes it took God to completely shake up my world to get me to realize just how much I needed him and other times, it was a gradual decline, until one day I would realize how far I had gotten away from Him and then gradually work my way back into that day to day, minute to minute relationship.

I want to share with you about one of those times (and when I say times I mean the year or more that it took me to get on track!!!) because again, it is one of those Abraham moments that I have had in my life – even though I didn’t necessarily recognize it as such when I was walking through it.

I know I have shared this story before, but it is such a defining moment in my “mid-life” that it has really shaped me into who I am today.

As both my kids entered into elementary school, the thought about “what I would do with my life” started to develop.  I knew I would have my days free and with two growing kids, Keith & I came to the realization that I would in fact have to get back into the work force.  Before children I was working at Red Rock Bible Camp as the office manager which I did for 7 years after we moved to Steinbach, due to Keith’s accident.  (You can read about that journey here.) When I left the camp ministry in 2001, we had made application to adopt and subsequently ended up having two precious miracles added to our lives.  Taylor through adoption, and Peyton by a surprise birth. So for about 7 or 8 years I had not been working outside the home, and when it came time to get back into the workforce I was petrified!!

Step in ... God!  Through a couple conversations with people, I was encouraged to see if there were any job openings at the Preschool that both our kids had attended, which was run by the church we were attending.  Long story short, I got accepted and jumped back into the world of working for pay!  I spent several wonderful years at the preschool resulting in some amazing friendships with the ladies I worked with, and relationship with kids who I still have contact with to this day!  However, in the back of my mind was the thought that I would one day love to return to camping ministry.  That was something God had placed on my heart many years ago, and I just assumed that is where He would ultimately have me end up.

In June or 2012, my sister Wendy had come to visit and I was showing her around Steinbach.  I took her to the preschool and introduced her to my friend and director there, and on our way home, drove by the Red Rock office to show her where I had worked before we had kids.  I told her that day, “In my dream world, I would get to go back Red Rock and be the office manager there again.”  I loved my job at the preschool, but just thought God would take me back to camp.  We headed back home, and so I went to my office and checked my emails, and to my shock, there was an email from the Director at the camp letting all the alumni know that the Office Manager position would be available that fall.  I was stunned!!!  Shocked!!!  I couldn’t believe I had just shared this with Wendy, and not more than 5 minutes after voicing it to her, I found out that the very position which I had been dreaming about was in fact available. 

I can tell you, my stomach was in knots!! Was this a sign?  Should I follow my dream?  But I had a perfectly wonderful job at the preschool that I loved.  With people I loved working with! Why would I leave it?  So I prayed. Keith prayed. And we had several other people pray with us for a week to really be open to where God was leading me.  Yes, it was my dream.  But was it God’s direction?  After a week of praying and seeking counsel, Keith & I decided that I would approach Kim, the camp director, to let him know that I would be interested in returning to the office manager position.  I had worked for Kim during the seven years previous, not to mention that he was a close friend, so I was pretty excited to tell him that I was interested.  In the end, I was accepted back to the position, with training to start that summer.  It was not easy letting go of my teaching position at the preschool, and the thought of the job not going well at the camp was one of my biggest fears.  What if I was letting go of a job I loved at the preschool, only to have this new one fail?  But I clung to the knowledge that we had prayed through the decision, as had the camp, and so we trusted that this was all a part of what God would have for me.

During the month of July, I started retraining for the office manager, and quickly realized that things were not the same as what they had been when I to be when I had worked there.  SO much had changed in the 10+ years that I had been gone!  But I forged ahead, quickly realizing that I was also very different than I had been 10 years ago.  Within a month I realized that I did not handle stress very well!  And the job was much more difficult than I had anticipated!  The changes that the camp had gone through were much bigger than I thought and nothing seemed the same.  After several weeks, I began to wonder why God had allowed me to get this job, when I so evidently was failing at it.  I began to doubt Him.  The stress and anxiety I felt was overwhelming.  I would come home at nights and sink into bed and cry.  I was unable to sleep, eat, or care for my family.  And my relationship with God became a series of cries WHY GOD?  After 3 months of trying to make things work at the job I had dreamed of going back to, of the job I was SO SURE God had led me to, for my own health and that of my family, I had to quit.  I was devastated.  The worst-case scenario that had gone through my head four months earlier was now playing out in my life.  I couldn’t believe it.  I couldn’t believe how God had let me down.  I had sought His direction.  I had prayed about it – more than any other decision in my entire life.  And here I was.  Broken.  A failure.  A mess.  Forsaken by God. 

For several months, I spiraled into a deep depression, struggling with anxiety, panic attacks, sleeplessness, suicidal thoughts etc. and many, many awful months of despair.  These were some of the darkest awful days and nights of my life. 

At one point, I just felt I couldn’t go on.  It was not worth it.  God had abandoned me.  And it was better off for my family, if I wasn’t there.  I was of no use to them anyway.  And the very thing that I had done to follow God – seeking Him out in my decision – had failed me. 

It was at some point during these dark days that Keith had shared with his boss about what I was going through.  Because the truth was, Keith had prayed those same prayers of direction from God, and this is where it had ended.  Thankfully His boss (an amazing Godly man!) shared with Him an incredible concept that changed my life.  And still does to this day.  He said, “God calls us to obey Him.  And that’s all.  If you obeyed Him, then leave the rest to Him.”  I had obeyed God, and slowly I started to realize that I had had my own agenda for God.  Today, I don’t doubt for a moment that I was supposed to be at Red Rock for those few months.  You see, God had bigger plans for me. 

I had taken my Abraham step.  BUT I thought I knew where God was going to take me.  I thought I had God all figured out.  I thought that by obeying God and following His direction, I would live out my working days at the camp.  However, that was not God’s plan.  I followed His prompting.  BUT I created my own agenda for God.  What I didn’t know at that time was that God was preparing me for bigger things.  Things that I would NEVER have been able to do without stepping away from the Preschool.  And God knew that the only way I would be able to make the decision to leave the preschool was for me to go back to what I thought my dream job was.  And the only way I would ever be able to let go of what I thought was dream job was, was to let me go back into it to realize that the job was not the same as when I’d had it 10+ years earlier. 

All because God had a different plan for me.

God wanted me to be a piano teacher! 

And I can honestly say that if I had stayed at the preschool, I don’t think there is any way I would have left that job to become a piano teacher.  God needed to take me through those necessary dark days, those difficult moments, to bring me to the moments of joy that I get to experience with my piano students every week.  The music that I get to help bring into the homes of my piano students is so fulfilling and joy bringing to me!  And I would never have been able to do that if I had not taken that initial step of following God’s prompting to leave the Preschool.  Granted in this story, I kinda made it about my steps after I sought God, but in the end, He helped me to see that He had bigger things for me.  He knew the joy that would fill my days listening to students’ music, but also being able to listen to their stories about their days and being able to bring a smile to their hearts and days after a tough school day, or a difficult morning.  These are all things that God brought me to because I took that step of obedience.  That Abraham moment.  God got me to take that first step.  And it was painful.  It was incredibly sad letting go of a dream of going back to camp.  I spent many tough, dark days after that Abraham moment.  But once again, God blessed it.  And thankfully, God has given me brighter days.  Days filled with children’s laughter.  Days filled with music.  Days filled with JOY! 

I am often reminded about the nugget that Eric shared with Keith all those years ago.  Obey God.  And let HIM do the rest.  If we are obeying God, then we need to leave the results up to Him.  Things won’t always go the way we expect.  It may hurt.  It may hurt a lot.  It may get dark.  BUT, armed with the knowledge that God was in it?  We do not have to doubt that He will take us through it to something beautiful.