Part 2 - Our Marriage Journey From Pornography to Purity

(Please note - this is part two in a 3 part series about our marriage journey.  Part 1 can be found here.  I'd love to chat with you about this so please either leave your contact info in the comment section, or email me at sharonk@mts.net otherwise I am unable to see who is commenting in the comments section.)




Part II

I ended my previous post about me finding my way back to an emotional healthy life.  With the help of an amazing counselor and a constant reminder from God that He was there, I found myself able to stand on my own two feet.

It was during this time that God allowed me to go back part time at the Preschool.  To a group of ladies that laughed much and helped me heal, even though they didn’t know all the dark details of what I’d gone through.  During this time, as I was healing, I began to realize just how big of a problem Keith had.  How big of a problem our family had.  When I’d found out that Keith had been back into pornography the previous February (2012), I hadn’t been able to do anything about it, let alone try to process how it affected our family now that we had young children.  But now that I had begun a journey of healing, I realized that this addiction was taking over our family.  It was a threat to our family, and so I went to God.  I prayed and begged God to show me what to do.

During this time, I began to realize just how much pornography had affected both Keith, and our marriage.  In my previous post, I wrote about how I had made a list of “must haves” for the man I wanted to marry and how Keith filled every point on the list - with the exception of one.  What I didn’t realize or didn’t want to realize was that this was the most important one on my list.  I wanted my husband to be a strong spiritual leader in our life and home.  I knew Keith was a Christian, but during our dating time, I realized that while he was a Christian, I didn’t see his faith played out in his life.  But, I downplayed my fears by telling myself that he would grow in his walk while he was at Bible School.  That once we were married, he would take on that leadership role.  That just because he wasn’t vocal with his faith, it didn’t mean that it would be always like that.  What I hadn’t realized at that time, was that Keith couldn’t have a strong relationship with God because he was plagued with guilt over his pornography use – something he had started when he was merely 12.  I had not been aware of any of this but knowing what I do now about how pornography affects a person, I can totally understand that Keith couldn’t progress in his spiritual walk because he was already an addict.

As I began to understand how his sexual addiction was affecting him, me and our children, I realized that every time I hadn’t dealt with the discoveries of his addiction, I was in fact, just giving him opportunity to continue.  Don’t get me wrong.  Each time I would discover something, he would quit …….. but the temptation was just too much for him to resist on his own strength, and within months he would sink back into it.   It was this realization that made me have to force something that was drastic.

I asked Keith to leave.

After much discussion and turmoil, he did finally move out in.  At this point it was not something that I felt was permanent, but I very strongly felt that having that presence in our home was affecting MY spiritual health AND the emotional wellness of our children.  But I couldn’t go on living this cycle and not dealing with the issue at hand.  And on October 12 of that year (2012), he packed his bags.  He eventually spent some time with some solid Christian men who guided him to a men's group where he could get help for his sexual addiction.  During those days, we pretty much spoke or texted daily.  I knew it was the most difficult thing for him, but I didn’t know how else to get his attention.  He needed help with his addiction and so far by having him “work it out” at home, it hadn’t helped at all.  During those days apart, we only told a few close friends what was happening and almost no one knew.  At that time, he had been on our church’s leadership team, and obviously he stepped down from that.  He shared his situation with our pastors and we had so much support from many people, who were praying for us daily.  With neither of us having family here in Manitoba, it was an incredibly lonely time for both us, as well as for our children.  As the days apart, turned into weeks, Keith & I began to grow closer together, and I could see that his relationship with God continued to grow and change.  He was attending sexual addiction counseling as well as addiction meetings and I was amazed at how for the first time he was facing his demons.  I could see how he was changing and how he was seeing how his addiction was affecting all of us.  So, just after a little more than a month apart, he moved back home.  I will be forever thankful for the two homes that God brought him to.

One of the biggest impacts that one home had on Keith was that they had a prayer room.  It was part office, but basically it was a quiet room that had worship music playing 24/7 and was almost like a sanctuary to meet God.  The way he talked about his time in this room was with such reverence and awe towards God that I decided to turn my scrapbook room into a prayer room as well.  And I can say that to this day, I love our space.  It also houses my office, but the time that I can spend with God here in this room is precious.  It is like I am almost instantly in God’s physical presence when I sit down to spend time with him.  It is silent with the exception of the quiet music praying and as I look out the window, I am almost always transported to a place where I feel like I can commune with God. I share about what our prayer room looks like here

Over the next couple of years, as we meandered life, things kind of hit a plateau.  They were neither great, but they weren’t horrible either.  However, after 3 or 4 years, things started to spiral.  I couldn’t put my finger on why we had drifted apart, but things were incredibly difficult.  Keith’s and my relationship had hit an all time low, but I can be very honest, I never once thought that he had fallen back into his addictive way.  But one thing was true, we were all unhappy.  We didn’t communicate.  Keith’s relationship with the kids was all but gone, and there certainly wasn’t any joy in our home.  I knew my emotional well being was in a good place, as was my relationship with God, but anything to do with Keith was in absolute shambles.

Finally, this last February 2018, I couldn’t handle it any more and I went to God begging Him to show me what to do.  Coming from a Christian home and community, divorce was not an option, yet I could see no other way to relieve the horrible feeling of being trapped in a loveless marriage.  I begged Keith to tell me what he was feeling and where he was at.  I continued to go to God and beg Him to make things better, or to let me out of this mess.  It was horrible, but thankfully I never went to those dark places emotionally that I had been to years earlier.  But what I did notice was the pain that all of it was causing my kids.  I saw the sadness on their faces.  I saw how Taylor just wanted to be away from home.  I saw her slipping further and further away from Keith.  I saw Peyton’s anger beginning to grow.  Other behaviours began to surface that, while I could attribute some of them to being a teen, I also began to realize that many of these were different and likely stemming from a volatile, unhappy home.  Arguments escalated, and the worst part was hearing my kids say that they were unhappy here.  I knew Taylor wanted Keith to move out, and eventually Peyton got to that point as well.  We were an incredibly unhappy home.

So, finally, after months of unhappiness, I said to Keith that we had to try and figure it out.  He said we would discuss it on a particular Friday night, which turned into Saturday night, and finally that Sunday last February, I sat down opposite from him and asked him what was happening to us.  He had no answers and truthfully very few words, which I had grown very accustomed to.  There were tears in his eyes but no words.

That night, I couldn’t sleep.  All I could do was beg God to give me some sort of answer.  I groaned to God all night long, not sleeping a wink.  I told him I just couldn’t do this anymore and didn’t understand how we had yet again gotten to such an unhappy place.  I tossed and turned all night long and begged and begged God for an answer.  And around 5 a.m. I got it.  As clear as day, as though it were written on a poster on my wall, God’s words were: Keith is back into pornography.


As I processed this thought, and how vividly it came to me, I realized that everything that was happening in our family led back to that very issue.  And it all started to make sense.  It became clear.  And with that answer clearly given to me, I feel asleep.  I had a peace.  I had an answer.  All the pieces fell into place and the picture finally came into view.

When I woke that morning, I said nothing to Keith.  I didn’t ask or challenge or anything.   I didn’t look for evidence or check his computer or phone.  I simply waited for God.  I prayed.  I prayed that if this was true, that I would know what to do and how to handle it.  I didn’t want to charge at Keith like a bull, but I wanted to do this how God wanted me to do it.  Because you see, the last time we had dealt with his addiction, Keith had said that if he ever got into pornography again, he would leave and this time it would be for good.  It would be permanent.  That’s how determined he said he was to never let it happen again.  So, I kept my thoughts to myself and just prayed.  And I prayed.  For 3 days I prayed to God to know what to do with this information.  I did not want this to be true.  Because if it WERE true, what then???

And so, on February 14, 2018 – a few days after my “encounter” with God, I decided to sit down and asked Keith.  With the kids otherwise occupied, I sat down and shared with him what had happened the previous Sunday night and what I thought God had shown me, and I asked him: Are you back into pornography?   He responded, “Well. . . . ”  and paused and looked away - and I knew.  I knew my worst fears, my kids’ worst fears were about to be confirmed.  Keith’s sex addiction had taken over our lives yet again.

And this time, I knew there was no coming back from it.

(I share the final part of our journey from Pornography to Purity HERE).

Our Marriage Journey: From Pornography to Purity (Part 1/3)

When I was young, and even into my teen years, I can’t say that I thought much about what I wanted my marriage to look like.  Quite honestly, I didn’t think much about my wedding or my dress or anything like that.  I knew there were lots of girls who had their whole wedding planned out, down to what they wanted their dress to look like, and they just needed the man.  I wasn’t like that.  I never thought about what I wanted my marriage to look like.  Once I was in my 20’s, I definitely knew what I didn’t want it to look like, but while I didn’t necessarily think about it a lot, hind sight, I realized I had a lot of expectations going into my marriage.  I did, however, have a list of “must be’s” and “must NOT be’s” – a list I began working on during my first year of Bible College thanks to a class taught by a dear older lady, Mrs. Friesen.  In that class we talked about all sorts of things, but the one thing that stuck with me was a question she had posed to us:  If you don’t know what kind of man you want, how will you know when you’ve found “the one”?  So, I started on my list.  My must haves, my must be’s and my “would be nice if. . .”

I met Keith during my 2nd year of Bible College and his 1st year.  I assumed that he was younger than me since he was in the same class as my brother who was two years younger than me.  I thought he was good looking, but I didn’t really know much about him, other than he liked sports and hunting.  Over the months we bumped into each other doing kitchen duties etc. and started chatting with him.  First year students weren’t allowed to date during the first semester during those days, so we just spent many afternoons and evenings chatting and getting to know each other.  I was not looking to date anyone and really had no thoughts about dating him, until December.  We had chatted about what the new semester and year would bring, and we both agreed that we would like to go out on a date.  So, we went on a date in January, and by the end of February, I knew he was the boy I wanted to marry.  On October 1 (1988), we got engaged, and we got married May 13, 1989.

And when we got married, I knew I had found the man for me.  In fact, he filled every one of the must haves with the exception of one, AND he even fulfilled some of my “would be nice ifs” including the fact that he drove a motorbike.  A year after we got married, we moved to Manitoba to start our camping ministry at Red Rock Bible Camp.  It was amazing how God had orchestrated all of these things to culminate in being involved in this ministry.  It was a good thing that we didn’t know that God would take us there to shake up our world when Keith had his accident there, but we knew God had set all of these things in place and we were ecstatic to be living at camp.

After Keith’s accident (details here), we moved to Steinbach and started out our lives living as a couple with a disability.  Of course, none of the expectations I’d had about my marriage involved caring for a husband in a wheelchair, but God helped us meander those waters, provided for us in ways I cannot even begin to write about, and helped us settle into a life in Steinbach, Manitoba.  Life was good.  I was working at the Bible Camp in the camp office, and Keith was now working in Steinbach, where he had been trained for a new job. It wasn’t what we had planned for our life, but for the most part life was good.  We were able to visit our families in Ontario and Saskatchewan on a regular basis and while Steinbach didn’t quite feel like home yet, we were happy there.

Then came the bombshell.  The day my image that I’d had of my marriage came shattering down.  I discovered that my husband was involved in pornography.  I remember the day distinctly.  The absolute sick feeling I had when I discovered the websites on our computer.  The nausea that I felt thinking about how to confront him.  The anger.  The betrayal. And then self-blaming.  The questioning of everything about myself.  The questions of why?  The guilt that I was not enough for him.  The shame I felt that I was inadequate.  I told no one.  I was humiliated.  I was devastated.  How could he have done this to me?  How could God have directed me to someone who would do this to me???  Over the next several months, Keith begged me to believe him that he was done with it.  That this would never happen again.  That he was incredibly sorry for his mistake and that he would make it up to me.  And so, we worked to try to move beyond it.  We prayed.  We shared.  And we grew.  And my trust in him returned.  Obviously, that did not happen overnight, and obviously there were some very difficult days, but we worked through it.  And we got back to a solid relationship.  Or so I thought.

A few years later, I again discovered that he had slipped back into those same old ways.  But this time, the sites were more graphic.  The sin had become a habit.  And the grip of it was tighter.  I was sickened!!! How could I have been so naïve as to trust him?  How had this happened yet again?  How had my marriage become about other women?  Why did he want them and not me?  The questions swirled around in my head.  The lies I told myself, that Satan filled my head with, were deafening.  And so, our marriage floundered.  What was I to do? What COULD I do?  He hadn’t actually gone out and cheated on me.  .  . or had he??? The mistrust continued to grow.  The pain got buried.  The walls grew thicker.  And our marriage was in name only.  Eventually, we developed a life of co-existing but not really living.  I checked the computer continually.  And after a few years, began to believe that this was indeed over.

It was during this time that our children were born.  First, our miracle Taylor through adoption in 2001 and then Peyton through a surprise pregnancy in 2004. (The doctors told us that I would never be able to conceive, so he was indeed our 2nd miracle baby!!)  As the children grew older, we became more settled in Steinbach.  It had by default become “home”.  Our children had friends here.  Keith’s job continued to advance, and I was happy at home being a mom.


Until the bomb dropped yet again.  Pornography.  It reared its ugly head yet again.  And so, the cycled repeated itself again. The pain.  The promises.  The pattern.  But this time, I had my children to ease my pain.  And I couldn’t walk away from my marriage because now it wasn’t just me anymore.  I had the kids to think about.  And the walls got thicker.  And more impenetrable.  The distance grew, as did the mistrust.  I shuttered every time he mentioned a woman at work.  I would stop by his work to bring the kids to visit him at work and see every woman who was more beautiful than me.  I would see the plunging necklines and know he was looking.  And know he was lusting.  I’d watch his eyes follow women at the mall.  And the pain continued to grow.  But what could I do?
During these years, my relationship with God was still up and down.  As Moms of little ones know, there wasn’t much time for me.  There was a life to create.  There were moments to make for my kids.  And so, I buried the pain.  I buried the reality that my husband had a sex addiction.  And I created a fake life for those around us to see.  I created a façade that made it seem that we had it all together.  I created an image that when viewed by others, was a family who endured injury, infertility, adoption etc. and survived.  We created an image of family that had it all together.  We appeared spiritually strong.  We appeared happy and secure.  We appeared to be “fine”.

And so, our little fake happy home continued.  Until the day my son at 8 years old opened up his dad’s computer to find pornography.  The words, “Mommy, what are these pictures on the computer?” are embedded in my head.  I wanted to scream.  I wanted to shriek.  I wanted to throw things.  But instead, I calmly closed the computer and told Peyton to go and do something else.  These were big people pictures.  It made me sick.  It made me want to vomit.  But, this was also the exact time that I was struggling with my depression, anxiety and panic episodes and so couldn’t even physically do anything.  I remember confronting Keith with the question why, and his response sent me even further into the pit of darkness.  “I’ve had to take care of everything on my own for the past several months.  You’ve done nothing.  So, I had to finally take care of myself.”

Shame.  Guilt.  Agony.  My world was rocked.  My heart was broken, and any expectations I had for a happy marriage were shattered.

But it was all I could do to try to hold myself together to care for my kids.  And I wasn’t doing a very good job of it.  Between the devastation of giving up my job at the camp, and not understanding what God had done by prompting me to leave the Preschool, to find out that my husband was still involved in his sex addiction, life spiraled out of control.  I didn’t want to live.  At least I didn’t want to live the way it was at that point.  However, I remember sitting in my office listening to the Casting Crowns songs, Praise You in This Storm and Jesus Hold Me Now.  And Laura Story’s song Blessings.  And somehow, I started to feel God’s arms around me.  I started to feel Him lifting me.  My medication started to kick in.  And I found a good Godly counselor.  And I started to lift my head out of the dark murky waters.  I started to realize that God STILL had a purpose and a plan for my life.  He was still there.  He had never left me.  He had not deserted me.  He was holding my life in His hands.  And He was there.

The journey back from those dark days weren’t easy.  I realized that I had to heal first before I could even try to restore my family.  And so, I allowed God to heal me.  I allowed myself the time to heal before making any decisions.  Before taking any steps.  I listened.  I waited.  For God to guide me.  For God to speak to me.  And for God to tell me what to do next.

And He did.  Because God is faithful.  And while the world around us – our world – falls apart, He is there holding us.  Holding me.  Holding you.  I didn’t know where God was going to take me.  I didn’t know what He had in store for me.  But I waited and trusted that He would take me through it.  And He did.

There is more to this journey.  And I want to share more with you about how Jesus took our broken messed up family and put it back together.  Not because of anything I did.  Not because of anything Keith did.  But He put it back together.  He brought joy back to our family. He brought healing to our hearts.

But not before He would allow us to go through even more difficult waters than we could have ever imagined.  

(Part 2 of our journey can be found HERE)

From WHY God to PRAISE God! (Abraham Moment #2)

Over the years, God has always been a constant presence in my life.  For the most part I have never waivered away from my walk with God, but like most, I have had times when I have wandered a little further away from my relationship than what I should have.  Times when my walk with Him was in name only and not so much in action.  On the other hand, there have been many times when my walk has been so powerful and close that it was as 2nd nature to me as breathing.  So my walk has had it’s highs and lows.  I can honestly say that the lows were always my own doing, and the highs were completely God’s doing.  Sometimes it took God to completely shake up my world to get me to realize just how much I needed him and other times, it was a gradual decline, until one day I would realize how far I had gotten away from Him and then gradually work my way back into that day to day, minute to minute relationship.

I want to share with you about one of those times (and when I say times I mean the year or more that it took me to get on track!!!) because again, it is one of those Abraham moments that I have had in my life – even though I didn’t necessarily recognize it as such when I was walking through it.

I know I have shared this story before, but it is such a defining moment in my “mid-life” that it has really shaped me into who I am today.

As both my kids entered into elementary school, the thought about “what I would do with my life” started to develop.  I knew I would have my days free and with two growing kids, Keith & I came to the realization that I would in fact have to get back into the work force.  Before children I was working at Red Rock Bible Camp as the office manager which I did for 7 years after we moved to Steinbach, due to Keith’s accident.  (You can read about that journey here.) When I left the camp ministry in 2001, we had made application to adopt and subsequently ended up having two precious miracles added to our lives.  Taylor through adoption, and Peyton by a surprise birth. So for about 7 or 8 years I had not been working outside the home, and when it came time to get back into the workforce I was petrified!!

Step in ... God!  Through a couple conversations with people, I was encouraged to see if there were any job openings at the Preschool that both our kids had attended, which was run by the church we were attending.  Long story short, I got accepted and jumped back into the world of working for pay!  I spent several wonderful years at the preschool resulting in some amazing friendships with the ladies I worked with, and relationship with kids who I still have contact with to this day!  However, in the back of my mind was the thought that I would one day love to return to camping ministry.  That was something God had placed on my heart many years ago, and I just assumed that is where He would ultimately have me end up.

In June or 2012, my sister Wendy had come to visit and I was showing her around Steinbach.  I took her to the preschool and introduced her to my friend and director there, and on our way home, drove by the Red Rock office to show her where I had worked before we had kids.  I told her that day, “In my dream world, I would get to go back Red Rock and be the office manager there again.”  I loved my job at the preschool, but just thought God would take me back to camp.  We headed back home, and so I went to my office and checked my emails, and to my shock, there was an email from the Director at the camp letting all the alumni know that the Office Manager position would be available that fall.  I was stunned!!!  Shocked!!!  I couldn’t believe I had just shared this with Wendy, and not more than 5 minutes after voicing it to her, I found out that the very position which I had been dreaming about was in fact available. 

I can tell you, my stomach was in knots!! Was this a sign?  Should I follow my dream?  But I had a perfectly wonderful job at the preschool that I loved.  With people I loved working with! Why would I leave it?  So I prayed. Keith prayed. And we had several other people pray with us for a week to really be open to where God was leading me.  Yes, it was my dream.  But was it God’s direction?  After a week of praying and seeking counsel, Keith & I decided that I would approach Kim, the camp director, to let him know that I would be interested in returning to the office manager position.  I had worked for Kim during the seven years previous, not to mention that he was a close friend, so I was pretty excited to tell him that I was interested.  In the end, I was accepted back to the position, with training to start that summer.  It was not easy letting go of my teaching position at the preschool, and the thought of the job not going well at the camp was one of my biggest fears.  What if I was letting go of a job I loved at the preschool, only to have this new one fail?  But I clung to the knowledge that we had prayed through the decision, as had the camp, and so we trusted that this was all a part of what God would have for me.

During the month of July, I started retraining for the office manager, and quickly realized that things were not the same as what they had been when I to be when I had worked there.  SO much had changed in the 10+ years that I had been gone!  But I forged ahead, quickly realizing that I was also very different than I had been 10 years ago.  Within a month I realized that I did not handle stress very well!  And the job was much more difficult than I had anticipated!  The changes that the camp had gone through were much bigger than I thought and nothing seemed the same.  After several weeks, I began to wonder why God had allowed me to get this job, when I so evidently was failing at it.  I began to doubt Him.  The stress and anxiety I felt was overwhelming.  I would come home at nights and sink into bed and cry.  I was unable to sleep, eat, or care for my family.  And my relationship with God became a series of cries WHY GOD?  After 3 months of trying to make things work at the job I had dreamed of going back to, of the job I was SO SURE God had led me to, for my own health and that of my family, I had to quit.  I was devastated.  The worst-case scenario that had gone through my head four months earlier was now playing out in my life.  I couldn’t believe it.  I couldn’t believe how God had let me down.  I had sought His direction.  I had prayed about it – more than any other decision in my entire life.  And here I was.  Broken.  A failure.  A mess.  Forsaken by God. 

For several months, I spiraled into a deep depression, struggling with anxiety, panic attacks, sleeplessness, suicidal thoughts etc. and many, many awful months of despair.  These were some of the darkest awful days and nights of my life. 

At one point, I just felt I couldn’t go on.  It was not worth it.  God had abandoned me.  And it was better off for my family, if I wasn’t there.  I was of no use to them anyway.  And the very thing that I had done to follow God – seeking Him out in my decision – had failed me. 

It was at some point during these dark days that Keith had shared with his boss about what I was going through.  Because the truth was, Keith had prayed those same prayers of direction from God, and this is where it had ended.  Thankfully His boss (an amazing Godly man!) shared with Him an incredible concept that changed my life.  And still does to this day.  He said, “God calls us to obey Him.  And that’s all.  If you obeyed Him, then leave the rest to Him.”  I had obeyed God, and slowly I started to realize that I had had my own agenda for God.  Today, I don’t doubt for a moment that I was supposed to be at Red Rock for those few months.  You see, God had bigger plans for me. 

I had taken my Abraham step.  BUT I thought I knew where God was going to take me.  I thought I had God all figured out.  I thought that by obeying God and following His direction, I would live out my working days at the camp.  However, that was not God’s plan.  I followed His prompting.  BUT I created my own agenda for God.  What I didn’t know at that time was that God was preparing me for bigger things.  Things that I would NEVER have been able to do without stepping away from the Preschool.  And God knew that the only way I would be able to make the decision to leave the preschool was for me to go back to what I thought my dream job was.  And the only way I would ever be able to let go of what I thought was dream job was, was to let me go back into it to realize that the job was not the same as when I’d had it 10+ years earlier. 

All because God had a different plan for me.

God wanted me to be a piano teacher! 

And I can honestly say that if I had stayed at the preschool, I don’t think there is any way I would have left that job to become a piano teacher.  God needed to take me through those necessary dark days, those difficult moments, to bring me to the moments of joy that I get to experience with my piano students every week.  The music that I get to help bring into the homes of my piano students is so fulfilling and joy bringing to me!  And I would never have been able to do that if I had not taken that initial step of following God’s prompting to leave the Preschool.  Granted in this story, I kinda made it about my steps after I sought God, but in the end, He helped me to see that He had bigger things for me.  He knew the joy that would fill my days listening to students’ music, but also being able to listen to their stories about their days and being able to bring a smile to their hearts and days after a tough school day, or a difficult morning.  These are all things that God brought me to because I took that step of obedience.  That Abraham moment.  God got me to take that first step.  And it was painful.  It was incredibly sad letting go of a dream of going back to camp.  I spent many tough, dark days after that Abraham moment.  But once again, God blessed it.  And thankfully, God has given me brighter days.  Days filled with children’s laughter.  Days filled with music.  Days filled with JOY! 

I am often reminded about the nugget that Eric shared with Keith all those years ago.  Obey God.  And let HIM do the rest.  If we are obeying God, then we need to leave the results up to Him.  Things won’t always go the way we expect.  It may hurt.  It may hurt a lot.  It may get dark.  BUT, armed with the knowledge that God was in it?  We do not have to doubt that He will take us through it to something beautiful.

Broken to Beautiful (Abraham Moment #1)

So….. I have been wrestling with getting back into writing this blog, and particularly struggling somewhat with sharing what’s been on my heart.  This past Sunday I was praying that I would have a very clear direction as to whether or not I should go ahead and share my story and believe it or not, Pastor Kent made a small but poignant statement in his sermon this Sunday “If you have a story, SHARE IT!”  I could not argue with that! So I hope you will bear with me as I venture down some rabbit holes to get to the main story that I want to share with you.

Although, having decided to share it, I still had no idea how to jump into it.  You see, our family has been on a crazy journey this past year and while I do want to share with you how God has worked and done more miracles in our lives, it is a journey that is difficult to share and put into words.  (This will be part one of ?)

So, I think I will go back many years and start there.  Because long before this past year happened, God had already been working in me and showing me things about Himself that I needed to know and experience to help me through the waters I was supposed to walk through years later.

Over the years, there have been a handful of times that I remember God speaking very clearly to me.  I wouldn’t say they were audible, but times where I could not dispute that it was God’s calling or nudging me forward to do something.  I can honestly say that without a doubt they were always things that I truthfully did not want to do, but that God was very clearly pushing me through.

The first time was when I was 18 years old.

What some of you may not know is that growing up I came from a pretty strict home.  Dating was not an option for any of us, and so when a boy I liked, approached my parents to see if he would be allowed to take me out on a date, I was terrified.  I was SURE my parents would say no but I guess since I was in my grade 12 high school year, with plans to complete Grade 13 (something Ontario students had the option of doing back in the 80’s) my parents didn’t see the harm in it (or more than likely, they just gave in!! LOL)  He was a Godly boy whose family knew our family and so I think my parents felt comfortable knowing they knew him and the standards he and his family held.

After dating for over a year, I was making plans to head to Bible College in Saskatchewan.  I was very much in love, but planned to go to Bible College and head back home the next spring to plan my future.  A few months before I left for Bible College I started to wrestle with a thought God was placing in my mind – that the future that I was planning with my boyfriend was not what God was planning for my future.

The previous summer, I had been sponsored by Conestoga Bible Camp to attend a Leadership Training Camp at Bark Lake Leadership & Conference Center.  While I was there, I had one of the most profound encounters with God in my whole life.  My friend Roxanne and I had been sitting outside under rain ponchos during a thunder and lightening storm.  This Leadership Camp was not a Christian camp and by the time this storm happened, she and I were incredibly lonely and were missing our families, friends and Christian connections very much.  So there, in the pouring rain, with thunder pounding and lightening flashing, we sang How Great Thou Art and worshiped God like I have never experienced again.  It was an incredible spiritual experience for me, one where I could almost tangibly feel the presence of God.  After that Leadership camp experience, I felt so strongly that God was calling me to do camp ministry.  Once the summer was done, I pushed that feeling aside, and proceeded to complete my Grade 13 year.  However, during that year, the feeling that God was calling me into camp ministry did not subside. In fact, it got increasingly stronger.  Of course, during this time, I was also growing in my relationship with my boyfriend, who I knew did not have this same calling.  In fact, he very much felt God calling him to work with his home church, to grow, nurture and lead that church.  I remember chatting about my struggle with him, but since we were both heading to separate Bible Colleges, didn’t spend a lot of time exploring it. In my own mind, I knew I was in love with him and wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but also knew that we seemed to be on two separate paths as to where God was calling us.  Once settled into Bible College, the draw to camp ministry continued to get stronger and stronger and it was shortly after my 19th birthday that I couldn’t ignore what God was asking of me.  Will you choose Me (God) or choose what you (Sharon) want?  I can easily say that this was one of the most difficult decisions I have ever made in my entire life.  Knowing I was breaking hearts, my own included, to follow a direction that I knew God was calling me to but feeling like I was giving up everything I wanted and loved.  I agonized for many days over what I knew God was calling me to do, but what my heart didn’t want to do.  And I can say this was one of my first Abraham moments in my life.  Listening to God’s calling to do something I honestly had no desire to do, nor any understanding of in that moment.  And I can say that breaking up with my boyfriend was one of the most difficult things I’ve done.  And truthfully, there were many, many times after that, that I questioned God.  I knew I had made the right decision, but I knew I was devastated and other than knowing I was doing what God had asked of me, there was no “amazing light moment” or endless joy after making that decision.  Obviously looking back on that, I can see how God was prompting me to follow Him because the 12+ years I did spend involved in the camping ministry at Red Rock Bible Camp would never have happened.  I would never have met my husband.  I would never have my two beautiful miracle children. And the list goes on.  But I can tell you in the moment, I could not understand God. I could understand the pain I was feeling.  The grief and loss of the dreams I’d had.  And yet, I had chosen to follow His prompts.

But what this all boils down to is that when God tells us to do something, we need to follow His prompting.  He hasn’t promised that it will be easy.  He hasn’t promised it will be all smooth.  He hasn’t even always shown us what’s at the end.  But I can promise you that it will be worth it.  Oh, the pain was awful.  And the grief I felt about giving that relationship back to God stayed with me for years.  The guilt I felt at times was consuming.  But God honoured my decision to choose Him.  And while I didn’t know why at first?  Over the following years, He showed me that He had indeed called me to camping ministry.  And the decision I made to follow Him at the expense of my own desires, proved that God was and is faithful.  That God is in control.  That God is sovereign, and He sees and knows the bigger plan.

So, this was my first real “Abraham Moment” that I have experienced, and I can’t wait to share more with you.  They all lead up to where God has been taking me/our family to this year, and how yet again, God proved to me that when I just do as He asks, as painful as it is perhaps in that very moment, that He is there, and He is beside me the whole time.  And He brings the joy at the end. It might not always look the way I had envisioned it to look. But He brings me to the place that He wants me to be my best at.  Sometimes those journeys are painful.  Sometimes they might not seem like they have an end.  Sometimes we might not know "the why" for years to come.  But I can promise that no matter what. . . NO MATTER WHAT. . . being in God's will. . . following His prompting is worth it.  no. matter. what.

Deuteronomy 4:39

Know therefore today, and take it to your heart, that the LORD, He is God in heaven above and on the earth below; there is no other.

Silent Saturday

Today is the middle day of Easter.  Saturday.  The day that very little is written about it but so much must have gone on.  I am trying to imagine what it must have been like on that Saturday.  For the disciples.  For Mary – Jesus mother.  For Jesus Himself.  For Satan.  For God the Father.

Can you imagine the disciples?  Here the man they had followed for the last several years, who claimed to be their Messiah – the long awaited one – was now dead.  He’d been killed and while Jesus Himself had predicted this, I cannot imagine the agony and disbelief they must have felt.  The day after.  They must have been angry.  They must have felt deceived.  I bet they questioned every little thing they had heard Jesus tell them and yet wondered at all the signs and miracles He had performed.  Did they believe His message?  Were they trying to reconcile in their own minds that Jesus was the Messiah but now He was gone?

What about Mary?  I can only try to imagine the agony she must have felt at loosing her son.  Beyond the fact the He was the Son of God.  Her baby.  Her first born gone.  Yes, I believe she understood who He was.  I believe she got – likely more than most – that He was the Messiah.  The one who had been promised so many years before.  But to her, Jesus was her boy.  Her baby.  Her cherished child.  And now he was gone.  Did she believe that He would be resurrected?  I can imagine that she would have believed that in the end Jesus would have been spared death.  That if He truly was the Son of God that He would be spared the brutality He experienced.  That in the end despite that brutality, death would not touch Him.  But she witnessed with her own eyes her son’s death.  She saw His limp body being taken down off the cross.  She knew he was gone.  The agony she must have felt on this Silent Saturday!!!

And what about Jesus?  Jesus was in Hell.  He was experiencing the agony that we should experience.  He was going through everything that we would have had to go through, except for the fact that Jesus was taking it on Himself.  I really don’t know and can’t even begin to imagine what He was going through after His death.  I don’t know enough about Hell to try to conjure up images of what Jesus was enduring.  But I know enough to know that it was awful.  For the Son of God to go through what He was.  For me.  For all of us.  What love.  What agony.  But what a gift!!! 

And what about Satan.  I think He must have been beside himself with delight.  In his mind he had conquered God.  He had finished what he set out to do – by destroying Jesus.  He must have been ecstatic.  Probably sitting back in disbelief thinking how on earth did I accomplish this?  What now?  I’ve done what I set out to do?  He must have thought that he was now better than God because he had taken down God’s Son.  What a fool.  What a mistake.  What complete failure!!

And for God the Father. . . Watching His Son be brutalized and die.  And then know the most awful thing He was enduring – Hell.  To know that He allowed Jesus to go through all that suffering and to experience Hell because Jesus loved His people so much.  I often wonder – how much more God the Father must love us.  Because He ALLOWED Jesus to sacrifice Himself for US – for ME.  I sometimes try to imagine the conversation between the Father and Jesus.  When Jesus said that He wanted to die for us.  What must God have said?  NO WAY!!!  They made their own mistakes.  They need to pay for their own sins.  You’ve done nothing wrong.  I imagine Jesus pleading on our behalf with God.  Telling Him just how much He loves us and how He didn’t want us to have to go through the torture of Hell and how He wanted to take that on for us.  I imagine what love God had for Jesus and what love He must have for us to allow His Precious Son to go through the torture and ultimate depths of Hell – for me.  For us.  And on that Silent Saturday.  As He thought on the agony that His Precious Son was going through.  He knew Jesus would rise again and be with Him, but He also knew everything that Jesus was taking on for us.  I can’t imagine the anguish God the Father must have been feeling for us.  (I realize I am humanizing God and trying to put human qualities on a God that cannot be humanized.  Please forgive me if you find that offensive.  I am only trying to understand – something I never will fully be able to do on this side of Heaven – what transpired that day.)

 

So on this Silent Saturday, I sit staring up into the cold blue sky thinking about that day.  Thinking about what all transpired on that Saturday between Jesus’ death, and His resurrection. Thinking of what that Saturday must have been like for all involved.  Thinking about the agony, the despair, the awfulness that must have been experienced on that day.  And I wonder.   This all happened for me.  This all started because Jesus loved me so much.  I am the reason.  I am the one Jesus loved so much that He was willing to go through all of it.  I am the one that God saw and said “Yes.  I am willing to let my Son die – for her.”  What a gift.  What a treasure.  What amazing grace.

So on this Silent Saturday.  What will I do with this gift?  What will I do with this grace?  What will I do with this treasure Jesus has gifted to me?  Will I honour Him?  Will I give my Life back to Him?  Will I boldly share with others about this gift that they too can receive?  On this Silent Saturday, I challenge you to take a look at your life, as I am doing today, to search silently within the quietness of your own heart and see if yours is right with Jesus.  See if what you are doing brings glory and honour to the One who laid down His life for you. 

“Be Still and know that I am God.”  On this Silent Saturday, lets think about what Jesus did for us, and what we can do for Him.

May you have a blessed Easter as you contemplate what this Gift means to you!!

Heaven on my Mind

Recently, I've been struggling through some dark places again.  Thankfully not the deepest darkest ones, but dark none the less.  Anxiety/depression is a weird thing.  That most certainly is something I have realized.  Just when you think things have turned a corner, and life might be a little different, you get hit again, with the realization that this is something I will struggle with constantly.  And no level of meds. or Scripture reading will ever make it go away.  (Thankfully both of those thinks help me walk through those times, but they don't erase them.)

Having lived far away from my family for the last 32 out of 50 years, I have often gone through times, where I desperately wanted to move back to Ontario.  Sometimes it's a fleeting thought - other times its an all consuming desire for weeks on end.  I miss being near my parents.  I miss being near my siblings.  I hear of friends who go to Mom & Dad's for Sunday lunch, and I wish I had the opportunity of doing that.  I hear when friends children get to have sleep overs at Grandpa & Grandma's and I wish my kids had that.  The longing for "home" never goes away.

But, I have never been as homesick as I was when I was 17.  During that summer, I had the privilege of being at a leadership camp at Bark Lake in northern Ontario.  This was not a Christian camp, but a friend of mine & I had been chosen by the camp we counselled at to go and learn for 3 weeks at this camp.  It truly was a privilege, but after several days of no other Christian friends around, no family and feeling so utterly alone, homesickness started to settle in.  The ache that I felt in my heart was actually painful.  It was so strong, and so all consuming.  It was all I could think of.  I missed home so much, I could feel it in my throat - in my stomach.  Phone calls were not always possible and while we did receive mail, and a visit from our boyfriends, nothing eased the ache of just wanting to be home.  I will never forget the moment, when I & my group of friends that I had made there, were sitting waiting for our parents, and I realized it was my parents who were driving up to pick me up.  (They had purchased a new car while I was gone, so it was only when I saw their faces that I realized it was them.)  Oh the feeling of relief when I was back together with them.  I can't say I was close to my parents (I was a teenager after all!), but that feeling of security and safety and relief to see them again was incredibly powerful.  I learned so much that summer from my time away and have never forgotten that feeling of "coming home", even if it was not really home, but simply being in my parents presence.

My brother Brian (he also lives far away from family) & I often talk about that feeling of going home.  The feeling of being back on familiar ground.  The feeling of being "home".  For both of us, even after so many years, the moment we drive up near Kitchener, or drive on roads we used to, we are home.  There is just something comforting and familiar, and it gives us a sense of peace.

Brian & I also often talk about Heaven.  For so many years, regardless of how our lives have been going, we have often talked about that desire to leave this world behind and spend the rest of our days in Heaven.  We often chat abou
t the feelings we will have worshiping.  Adoring. In complete Awe.  Recently as I've struggled through these dark places, that feeling of homesickness has been getting stronger and stronger.  Not going back to my Ontario home, but my heavenly home.  Don't get me wrong I wouldn't do anything to make that happen, but that feeling of knowing that someday, I will get to leave this life behind is so comforting.  The yo-yo of emotions that I feel will be completely replaced with being in Jesus' presence.  The intense loneliness and sadness I feel will be replaced with joy unspeakable.  The overwhelming feeling of homesickness that I feel will be filled with overwhelming awe and adoration for my Jesus.  I will get to sit at His feet and praise Him.  I will get to be in His presence and know that "I am Home".

As I've struggled through these lonely days, that feeling of homesickness has intensified.  I cannot wait!!  I cannot wait to be consumed and flooded with joy at being able to see Jesus.  In our church services recently, we have been doing a series called "Legacy of the Shepherd".  Yesterday, we sang an old hymn called "Who is on the Lord's Side?" and it had a verse that went like this:

1. Fierce may be the conflict, strong may be the foe,
   But the King’s own army none can overthrow;
   ’Round His standard ranging, vict’ry is secure,
   For His truth unchanging makes the triumph sure.
   Joyfully enlisting, by Thy grace divine,
   We are on the Lord’s side—Savior, we are Thine!

It got me thinking again about how thankful I am that I have Jesus.  That I have Him to be my anchor.  My strength.  And no matter how homesick I get here on earth, I know I have the hope that the darkness I feel, the loneliness I experience, the sadness and disappointment that surrounds me, will all someday be gone because Jesus has taken all that away for me.  I will get to see Jesus face to face.

I found this song written in the '90's by Danny Plett (who ironically is now our church's Worship Ministry Pastor) and it made my heart sing.  The thought of Heaven and going there is written so perfectly in this song and it has been going over and over in my head, so I wanted to share it with you.

If you are struggling with life here on Earth, just know that if you know Jesus Christ as your Savior, you have a hope that will take this all away.  Jesus died for you, and He knows the pain we are going through here on an imperfect earth, and He wants you with Him one day.  If you don't know Jesus personally, or want to find out more about Heaven and the confidence I have that one day I will be there, I'd love to chat with you  about it.  Or find someone in your life that knows that without a doubt they are headed there too.

It's a hope we can each have that can take away the deepest ache, the sharpest pain, the darkest night.  Because Jesus took it all for us.  And I personally can't wait for the day to see Jesus face to face and thank Him for the gift that He has made available to each one of us.  What a day that will be!!!!!

2 Corinthians 4:7-10

But this precious treasure—this light and power that now shine within us—is held in a perishable container, that is, in our weak bodies. Everyone can see that the glorious power within must be from God and is not our own.

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but not crushed and broken. We are perplexed because we don’t know why things happen as they do, but we don’t give up and quit. We are hunted down, but God never abandons us. We get knocked down, but we get up again and keep going. These bodies of ours are constantly facing death just as Jesus did; so it is clear to all that it is only the living Christ within who keeps us safe.

Happy 80th Birthday to my Mom (January 1)

My Mom. . . . .💖💗💕

Why is it that sometimes we girls have a love/hate relationship with our mothers.  I KNOW I am not the only one.  And if you add in our mother-in-laws. . . . well, that goes far beyond what this post can get into!  😏

But I want to tell you about my Mom.

My Mom is not my best friend.  She is not my closest confident.  She is not someone who I run to any time I am struggling.  Some of you might have that kind of a mom.

HOWEVER!  My mom IS someone who I admire.  My mom is someone who I respect.  My mom is someone who has endured the test of time.  My mom is someone who has given up everything for others.  My mom loves fiercely.  My mom is a protector. And my mom is someone who I am so thankful to say has always supported me in everything I do.

She is also someone who I have run to when I am in a pickle.  She is THE ONE PERSON I called when my husband had an accident and I didn’t know who to turn to.  She is also the same person that when I went home to the camp on my very first night alone after Keith had said accident, and I found every single door locked to every building on the camp site (including my own home!) that I called and talked to on the pay phone for over an hour as she prayed and comforted me. . . . assuring me that things would be okay.  She is also the one person that I was eventually able to share my broken heart with when I found that pornography had entered into the life of my marriage.

My mom has cried with me.  My mom has ached with me.  My mom has cried tears of JOY with me. My mom has sung with me.  My mom has laughed with me.  And (truth be told) my mom has cried, screamed and passed out when she birthed me.  So truthfully????  My mom has been there for every spectrum of emotion in my life.

I can’t say my mom and I see eye to eye on all things.  But the older I get, and the older my kids get, the more I seem to understand my mom.  As a teen I DIDN’T GET HER!!!!  As a young married girl, I thought she just wasn’t patient enough (lol).  As a mom, I thought she figured she had it all figured out b/c she had all the answers on how to raise my own kids.

And now as a daughter whose mom is turning 80, I realize I am the luckiest girl alive.  It has been difficult knowing I couldn’t be there to celebrate my mom’s 80th birthday.  Many times, I have had to let others share the joy that is my mom. I have had to trust that all the work and good she has done in the last 80 years will be celebrated because MY MOM IS AN AMAZING WOMAN!!!

Here are some things that you might not know about my mom:

- My mom came to Canada to care for 4 children whose mother died, and came only to care for them – not knowing what the future would hold.
- My mom came from a life of luxury (single working girl, in an office that made her lots of money) to a farm girl’s life where there was a highly mortgaged farm, four children without a mother, a man who had recently lost his wife – trying to care for said 4 children, run a farm AND provide a home for this city girl, not to mention the lack of luxuries that she was used to in Rotterdam!
- My mom decided I was good enough to birth me breech – without medication!!! and still laugh about it to this day.
- My mom left her home again for me and spent several days with me when I found out my husband would no longer walk.  She rubbed my back, held my hand, and took a lot of anger, insults and frustration that was not directed at her, however, at that time – landed on her.
- My mom is a breast cancer survivor!!!
- My mom has done more in her life than I can ever imagine doing in mine.
- My mom is the youngest looking 80 year old I know – or at least who hasn’t had surgery to alter anything!
- My mom knows how I struggle with the distance between us, because she too had to live many, many miles apart from her mom.  History has repeated itself.

I love my mom and am so proud and thankful that God gave her to me to be my Mom.  God has given my mom 80 years!  She is an amazing woman and I love her so much!  Life has dictated that we live far apart.  But life has also allowed for letters, occasional visits, and many phone calls to breach that distance.

Thank you, Mom for all that you do for me and my family.  We love you very much and hope you have an amazing birthday on January 1.

XOXOXO Mom

Misplaced expectations. . . and how to find joy

Several months ago, I spent some time at the lake by myself.  I had just completed a year of piano teaching, and I was tired.  So I decided to go away by myself to spend some time with God.  I didn't know what I was looking for, but I was searching.  Searching for some answers.  Searching for a sign.  But maybe most of all, searching for peace.  

I had been struggling with many different things personally.  And I wanted to go to the lake to "find God", and to find out what He had for me.  I think the bottom line was that I was unhappy, and discontented.  I needed some guidance.  So I went to the lake, and in a variety of ways found what I was needing.  I found a peace that I hadn't had in a very long time.  I found the recipe for joy that I had been missing.  And it was simple.  It was something I've known all along, but quite honestly couldn't put into practice.  You see, I had been looking for joy, for peace in all the wrong places.  I was looking to others to make me happy.  I had expectations of what others should be doing. . . . being. . . . for me, that ultimately ended up bringing more pain and tears than anything.  My expectations weren't being met, but it's because my expectations were in things that couldn't bring me joy.  That couldn't bring me peace.  I realized that my joy ultimately was up to me, and between me and God.  And the only place I could find that joy was to completely put my trust and hope in God.  He was the only one who could never - who WOULD never - let me down.  

I was reading a book called Turn Your Mourning into Dancing by Henri Nouwen when I was at the lake.  (I HIGHLY encourage you to read it.  You can find it here:  TURN MY MOURNING INTO DANCING ) It truthfully has been a life changer for me.  Nouwen writes "We have hope and joy in our faith because we believe that while the world in which we live is shrouded in darkness, God has overcome the world."  Hope has to do with God.  Joy has to do with God.  Not anyone or anything else around me.  And it's when I trust in God, and am going to Him for my joy, it allows me to live with expectations, but expectations of what God will do for me, not what others will do for me.  I can trust Him implicitly because I can know that beyond a shadow of a doubt, He has my best interests at heart. 

I will be honest.  I still go back.  I still conjure up expectations for those around me of how they should act.  How they should be for me.  What they can provide for me.  How they can bring me joy.  But thankfully, God continues to remind my that my joy comes from Him and none other.

As I sat doing my devotions this morning (have I mentioned how I hate that word??? For me it has such guilt associated with that word because as I was growing up devotions were something I HAD to do.  And if I didn't I must not be a very good Christian! ☺ ), but as I was spending time with God this morning (much better term!!) I was reading about how Christ's sacrifice was once and for all.  I was reminded about how the high priests used to have to make daily sacrifices to cover the sins of the people.  In verse 14 of Hebrews 10 it reads, "For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy." 

What a thing of joy.  We are being made holy because of Christ's sacrifice.  That is something I can put my expectations in.  THAT is something that when I think of it, brings me such joy.  I know I fail, but I don't have to make any sacrifices.  I know I go back to putting my expectations in people instead of God to bring me joy.  But this morning, as I read and was reminded about the sacrifice that God gave to me by sending His Son, I couldn't help but feel a joy.  I couldn't help but again be amazed that regardless of how I back track, regardless of how far I fall, regardless of how many times I put my hope in something or someone that doesn't bring me joy, God is still there for me.  God has allowed me to have full expectations in Him.  I can be guaranteed that HE will bring me the joy, the peace, the hope I am looking for.  Philippians 3:20 tells us "Our homeland (our citizenship) is in Heaven, where our Saviour, the Lord Jesus Christ, is;  and we are looking forward to his return from there."  What an expectation I can have.

My brother and I were chatting this weekend about how, for so many reasons, we cannot wait for Christ's return.  I know I wish for joy, and peace, hope, in my life.  Can you imagine when we are in Heaven how we won't have any expectations not met?  Can you imagine the awe we will feel when we are sitting at Jesus' feet worshiping Him?  It gives me goosebumps just thinking about it.  

Now there is something to have expectations about.  There's something that will bring my joy.  There is something that I can place my hope in. 

What a day that will be!!!

He is there. . . . .

As I sit here on a Friday evening and peruse through the abundance of Facebook comments and pictures, I am struck with a thought. . . . again. . . of how each of us live in our own world.

Yes, we live together, and sometimes our lives do intersect at various moments.  But essentially our lives are our own.

Tonight my mom shared with me a tragic event that happened in a community they (my Dad & mom) once served in.  (Stanley Mission Deaths ) Several years ago, God blessed them with the opportunity of ministering to people in Stanley Mission.  This week, Stanley Mission was rocked with the information that 3 of their youths committed suicide.  Two of these little girls (12 and 14) were granddaughters of a woman that my parents had befriended years ago.  This woman had sought out my parents several times, calling our home to find out when “John & Gretha were getting to Saskatchewan”.  This week she found out that 2 of her grand babies died by suicide.  I cannot imagine her grief.

As I contemplated what this dear Native grandmother must be going through, and as I saw the different scenarios being played out on my Facebook screen – a precious daughter of friends dying of cancer, a family enjoying an evening on their acreage, a family divided because of sin that has caused pain, a family connecting from continents apart because of the luxury of the internet, a marriage vow broken, a family grieving the diagnosis of their father. . . . and the list continues -  I wondered how it all played a part in MY life.

Each entity unto its own.  Each desperately trying to conjure up the strength to continue.  Each calling on Jesus to take their pain.  And in these moments of joy and anguish, I again was reminded of the incredible gift that we have been given of being able to talk to our Creator. 

We can go to Him with our joys, our sorrows, our anguish and our elation.  He is waiting for us to come to Him.  And He is waiting for us to come to Him on behalf of those that – for whatever reason – cannot even emit the words to God. 

I was also reminded that so many times we see the façade that people present to the “world”, yet their hearts are breaking.  I see the happy smiles on FB, yet I know the hurts run deep.  I see the family or school pictures and yet I know that beyond the smile, is a sadness or a desperation, or an anguish that is unspoken.  A difficulty unshared. 

And so tonight I encourage you to pray.  Pray for your loved ones close to you.  Pray for those that you know are hurting.  But maybe more importantly, pray for those that don’t appear “to need it”.  Sometimes it’s those happy faces that we see that need prayer the most.

Tonight, I am so grateful for a Father that knows our heart.  That knows the needs of us that cannot be spoken.  I am grateful for a God that has gone ahead and knows precisely what we need.  But more importantly, I am thankful for a God that listens.  That hears the anguished cries of each of our hearts.  And hears the unspoken cries of those of us that don’t have the words to speak.  And also hears the cries of the broken hearted, before we bring it to Him, but also WHEN we bring it to Him.

 

I encourage you that tonight, as you sit in the quiet, or as you lay quietly awaiting sleep, listen to the names God brings to you tonight.  Listen and bring them to God.  You may be the one who is interceding for someone who can’t even speak the words to our Lord.  YOU may be the one who is praying on their behalf. 

What can you do tonight?  Who can you pray for tonight?

The Eye of the Beholder

The last couple of days have been rough.  Rough b/c I’ve been looking in the mirror.  Not at what makes me beautiful – truly beautiful, but the outside.  The covering.  The old, raggedy, saggedy covering.

A couple days ago, a friend of mine tagged me to post 4 pictures of myself that make me feel beautiful.  Then, another friend posted a picture of her with the comment that she didn’t feel like a good friend b/c of situations in her life.  Both of these posts made me tear up.  Not b/c they hurt me, but b/c it made me take a really difficult look at how I see myself.

Truthfully, I can’t find 4 pictures of myself in the last 4 years or so b/c I have made sure that there are very few pictures taken of me.  I might have some with my family, but none of just myself.  Because, plain and simple, I really don’t like who I see in the mirror.  I really don’t like me.

Then when I thought about what kind of friend I am being, again tears, b/c in so many ways I feel like I have failed in so many ways.  Please don’t get me wrong.  No one has made me feel that way.  These are my feelings.  These are the things I see, and not what others have told me. 

I also saw a post recently “We all know mirrors don’t lie. . . . I’m just thankful they don’t laugh.” It was meant to be funny, but it struck me that it was too close to the truth about how I felt – okay feel!  I’m afraid my mirror would just shake it’s head in disgust.

I read Psalm 139 over and over again.  I am fearfully and wonderfully made.  I read Ephesians how I am God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus.  I KNOW these things but how do I resist the urge to listen to Satan’s voice in my head that I am none of these things?  I see the weight gain and know that it is from medications and steroids I need to be on for health reasons, but it just makes me ashamed of who I have become.  I know that the outside is not who I am inside, but truthfully, if I don’t like myself on the outside, it’s hard to love the inside.

I know there are those of you who know how I feel.  You’ve felt those very things.  And when you feel them, you aren’t looking for confirmation from others.  Because, like me, you know you are good at things.  I know I’m a good piano teacher.  I know I am a great cook.  I know I am a good mom (well, most of the time). I know I have lots of good qualities.  We don’t dispute that.  It’s just that I don’t FEEL it.  I know God has created me to be this way.  I know God loves me just the way I am.  But how do I get that head knowledge to coincide with my heart?

Someone else recently requested prayer for her relationship with her kids.  That she would be able to take the next several days and just pour praise into her kids b/c it was something she wasn’t feeling at the moment.

Can I be so bold as to ask you to pray for me?  I’m praying that the things that I know to be true about who I am as a woman in Christ, will somehow meet with my feelings and I can get my head and heart in synch.  And please.  Let me know if you are struggling with those same thoughts.  Because I’d love to pray for you! 

And believe me.  I know it’s not easy to say these things out loud.  To admit when you are in a dark place like this.  I know the things/thoughts I’m feeling these days are not Godly, but rather lies from Satan.  So I’m praying that as we progress into fall, my head will join my heart and say thanks to God for who He has made me.  Weight/hair and all.  Because my value in Christ doesn’t come from those outward things.  It’s who I am inside and that’s what counts.

I’m praying that the beauty God sees in me is what I can see in myself.