The last couple of days have been rough. Rough b/c I’ve been looking in the mirror. Not at what makes me beautiful – truly beautiful, but the outside. The covering. The old, raggedy, saggedy covering.
A couple days ago, a friend of mine tagged me to post 4 pictures of myself that make me feel beautiful. Then, another friend posted a picture of her with the comment that she didn’t feel like a good friend b/c of situations in her life. Both of these posts made me tear up. Not b/c they hurt me, but b/c it made me take a really difficult look at how I see myself.
Truthfully, I can’t find 4 pictures of myself in the last 4 years or so b/c I have made sure that there are very few pictures taken of me. I might have some with my family, but none of just myself. Because, plain and simple, I really don’t like who I see in the mirror. I really don’t like me.
Then when I thought about what kind of friend I am being, again tears, b/c in so many ways I feel like I have failed in so many ways. Please don’t get me wrong. No one has made me feel that way. These are my feelings. These are the things I see, and not what others have told me.
I also saw a post recently “We all know mirrors don’t lie. . . . I’m just thankful they don’t laugh.” It was meant to be funny, but it struck me that it was too close to the truth about how I felt – okay feel! I’m afraid my mirror would just shake it’s head in disgust.
I read Psalm 139 over and over again. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I read Ephesians how I am God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus. I KNOW these things but how do I resist the urge to listen to Satan’s voice in my head that I am none of these things? I see the weight gain and know that it is from medications and steroids I need to be on for health reasons, but it just makes me ashamed of who I have become. I know that the outside is not who I am inside, but truthfully, if I don’t like myself on the outside, it’s hard to love the inside.
I know there are those of you who know how I feel. You’ve felt those very things. And when you feel them, you aren’t looking for confirmation from others. Because, like me, you know you are good at things. I know I’m a good piano teacher. I know I am a great cook. I know I am a good mom (well, most of the time). I know I have lots of good qualities. We don’t dispute that. It’s just that I don’t FEEL it. I know God has created me to be this way. I know God loves me just the way I am. But how do I get that head knowledge to coincide with my heart?
Someone else recently requested prayer for her relationship with her kids. That she would be able to take the next several days and just pour praise into her kids b/c it was something she wasn’t feeling at the moment.
Can I be so bold as to ask you to pray for me? I’m praying that the things that I know to be true about who I am as a woman in Christ, will somehow meet with my feelings and I can get my head and heart in synch. And please. Let me know if you are struggling with those same thoughts. Because I’d love to pray for you!
And believe me. I know it’s not easy to say these things out loud. To admit when you are in a dark place like this. I know the things/thoughts I’m feeling these days are not Godly, but rather lies from Satan. So I’m praying that as we progress into fall, my head will join my heart and say thanks to God for who He has made me. Weight/hair and all. Because my value in Christ doesn’t come from those outward things. It’s who I am inside and that’s what counts.
I’m praying that the beauty God sees in me is what I can see in myself.
Yes, I've been there, too! This is part of realizing you're no "spring chicken" anymore; but even then I struggled with this from early childhood until my late 30s and 40s because of the lies my older brother told me and how he treated me, being abusive verbally and physically towards me and only rarely hearing that I was loved, and never hearing that I was pretty. Sometimes parents just don't know the impact; but then again I now know they were doing what they thought and knew best. Chronic illness and the loss of the ability to do the activities I loved, and the ability to work can add to the feelings of worthlessness. You are definitely not alone!
ReplyDeleteI had to learn that God was a good Father who loved me and wanted me, even though I had accepted Him as my Savior as a child.I didn't understand what a loving, nurturing father was when I was younger. The antidote for me was searching out the true character of God through His Word, based on His names. The other thing that has helped me tremendously is coming to understand that the Christian walk and path to victory is walking totally by faith in what God's Word said about me, and not by my feelings. I used to worry all the time about whether or not I looked good enough. Until I came to accept how beloved I was of God and belonged to Him. Now, it's not that I don't care how I look, but rather I am learning to be content with the way it is, so that the worry and concern are no longer an issue.
The same with anxiety about the future and dealing with panic attacks, which I sometimes had when very ill, wondering what would happen in the future if I continued to get worse and if I was abandoned because of it. One of the things that helped me was learning that a "panic attack" is merely a physical response to fear and stress - that it would pass and I wasn't going to die from it. And learning that no matter what happened to me, God would be there to carry me through it, knowing and believing in my own heart that I was not alone and could find help if I needed it. Knowing that God is always here, and looking at Him and his love for me, and the constancy of His character, rather than my appearance and my future. When we look at ourselves we see our human frailty, but we also see we cannot live this life abundantly apart from Him - His strength is made perfect in our weakness, and it is a strength that He gives us when we look to Him. (Pt 1 - my comment was too long, so I had to split it).
(cont.) Sharon, I encourage you to keep looking into God's Word so that you will grow in your knowledge of what a great, mighty and loving Father He is. He's your Father and you are so precious to Him that He promised never to leave or forsake you. Grab hold of His Words for you with faith, and ask Him to increase your faith in His promises to you - "Lord I believe, help my unbelief". This verse tells us that sometimes our faith is small and we need to ask God to help us in areas where we are weak in our faith. The good Father hears this prayer coming from a sincere heart. He has given us so much in His Word, but we need to read it and take hold of it for ourselves - like I said, with the hands of faith, and not dependent on our feelings. These are lessons we all need to learn if we want to be spiritually free, it's just that God uses different circumstances to bring us to that place. He's there holding out His hands to you right now, waiting for you to reach out to Him by faith alone, one of the only sure things we have in this life. Your feelings will come and go, so don't depend on them for strength and security. They are only a barometer of what is going inside you right now and you can't depend on them to guide you. I think this is one area, as women, Satan loves to tempt us. We need to learn to express our feelings to help each other, but not depend on them for our sense of worth. Only the truth in God's Word will bring peace and security.
DeleteI have thought often as I am getting older, having been married almost 33 years now, about how I would manage if something happened to Myron and I was left with this farm and all the details of running this business if he were no longer here - that has been enough to set me in a panic at times, since I know so little about the business side of running this farm. But now I remind myself that God was here with before I ever got married, that it was Him carrying me through every trial in my life so far, and He will be there to the end. I suppose that I have now been through enough of these trials, depressions and episodes of low self-worth and anxiety to realize that I always come through if I am on God's side, but stronger in my faith in Him every time. They pass, but He remains!
You'll get through this, Sharon! Just keep looking at Him. He will bring you through it!
Love and prayers for you!
Bonnie K.
Thank you SO SO much for these incredible kind words. God has given you much wisdom and they were exactly what I have needed to hear. I know you have been through difficult waters over the years, so you being able to say what you did, I know holds a lot of substance because you have lived through this. Thank you for your love and care and your graciousness in sharing this with me. They were definitely words I've needed to hear - and others as well - and so thank you for sharing them with me. They have been a healing balm for me, and I know I will come back to read them regularly!!! Thank you Bonnie!!!!
Deleteand I hear I am at working just bawling :'( How am I so blessed to have so many beautiful, godly, wise women in my life?!?!
DeleteLove you to bits. Thankfully I'm home alone bawling. We talk about the great Klaassen men, but I'm thankful for the Klaassen women in my life!!!!
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