What you don't see. . .

As I've sat and thought about Robin Williams and his death yesterday, I was reminded again, how so often we see only the outside of people.  The man who made so many of us laugh, was living a life of desperation and depression.  The struggles in his head, in his mind weren't being displayed on his outward appearance.

Mental illness is a faceless illness.  You so often don't see it in the lines of one's face.  You don't see it in the smiles plastered on a face.  You don't see it in the daily walks with people.

But it is there.  Sucking the very breaths you take right out of you.  Making each waking moment a battle unto itself.  The very smile and laughter you are able to conjure up has taken all the strength you can muster just to hide the pain that covers you.

I know.  I've been there.  I am there.  Not every day but still some.  As I thought about Robin Williams and how he felt so strongly he needed to end his life, I think of the faces that we see each day around us.  I remember the days of gathering every ounce of strength I had to put one foot in front of the other just to make it to take the kids to school.  Forget about going out into public.  Forget about getting groceries, a job that the average person takes for granted.  Forget about gathering the courage to walk through the doors of church.  Forget the every day tasks.  Some days it was all I could do to put clothes on to get the kids to school.  I remember sitting in my truck thinking, "If any of these people that I am seeing right now had any clue what I was struggling with, they would be shocked."

And then to gather the strength to not break down and cry when yet another person told me I had to trust in God and it would be better.  The verses, while very true and quoted in love, added pain to the very breaths I was struggling to take.  And the days I couldn't make it out of bed, were blissful at times.  I didn't have to pretend to be someone I was not.  I didn't have to face the comments from people who had never been to the dark places that I was in.

You see, I understand the mask of mental illness.   I have lived it.  I have been at the deep pit of despair as I waited on the train tracks, begging God to bring a train to end my agony.  I have been to the places where life has felt hopeless and yet somehow was able to plaster a smile of my face for a moment, only to crumble at home.

I think if there has been anything that I have learned through my journeys with mental illness, be it depression, anxiety, panic attacks, whatever the avenue, I have realized that the faces we see every day are not what is necessarily going on in the heart.

Years ago, when Keith was in the hospital, I remember taking our vehicle in for an oil change, all smiles, and answering the question of "how are you doing" with a big smile and saying GREAT!  And yet every fiber in my body wanted to scream at them and yell "Don't you know?  My husband is in the hospital, with no movement from his waist down? My life has been turned upside down! HOW DO YOU THINK I"M DOING?"  But I didn't.  I remember plastering on the smile and saying GREAT.

And so today, I thank God for His grace.  I thank God for the great therapist I have, for the great Doctors I have.  I thank Him for bringing the book Emotionally Free by Grant Mullen to me. Emotionally Free I'm thankful that I was able to realize that truly mental illness is just that - an illness and it's okay to treat an illness with medication - just the way you treat cancer with medication.  (It was because of my medication that I was able to hear and see what God was telling me.  With out my meds. I was incapable of functioning.  And with the medication, I was able to see that God too had provided the medication to help me see through the haze.  Not as a crutch, but a tool to become a healthy person).

So today, I am so much more aware that what we see on the outside is not necessarily a reflection of what is going on the inside.  And today, I thank God that I am here able to write my story, rather than to have someone else share a sad story about me.  I am thankful that God has given me the tools to cope - be it medications or other techniques.  I am thankful that God has brought me from those dark moments to the place I am today.  I am thankful too for the journey it has taken me to get to where I am today.  And truthfully, I am thankful for those difficult things that I still have to deal with - sometimes daily.  I am thankful because it reminds me from where I have come.  It reminds me of God's healing and His grace.

So today as you go about your day, remember, while the faces you are seeing may be smiling, there may be hearts breaking.  There may be hearts aching.  How can you help?  How can you be there for that person?  If nothing more, breathe a prayer.  Give a hug.  A touch.  You never know what may change a person's day.  It COULD be you!!!!!

And if there are any of you out there who want to talk about your struggle - your journey, please know I'd love to listen.  Be it over coffee, or even through emails.  I have had a glimpse into the dark, and while I don't claim to have the answers for you, I'd love to share with you my journey!!! Message me and let's get rid of the stigma attached to mental illness!!!!