Blew it Big time. . .

Well, yesterday was the bomb.  Really, it was.  I know that lots of you might here that term from the kids and think it's a positive comment.  Like "she's the bomb" - meaning she's awesome! Or "that was the bomb" meaning something was really cool - awesome.

Well my yesterday was the bomb - in a blow up, nuclear explosion sort of way!  Man, how did such a good start to the morning, turn so wrong.  I was very motivated yesterday.  I got started early, had my supper started before lunch and finished and ready in the crock pot before my piano students came and I was cruising!  In fact, I was pretty proud of the soup I'd made for supper.  Tuesdays are my busy piano day with students starting first thing in the morning, then at lunch, then through the afternoon and 4 after school.  My daughter has swimming at 6:15, so supper needs to be ready for the other three before I teach so that they can eat at 5:15 and head to the pool.

And indeed it was.  Not only supper ready, but quite truthfully, one of THE BEST soups I have ever made.  It was DELICIOUS.  Okay, maybe I'll share it with you later - or maybe I'll make you wait until tomorrow.  But I have to say, it was the best soup I have ever made!  EVER.  :-)  So I was pretty pleased with myself that I had done so well! (YES - I  already see why the explosion first ignited. . . . )  So, as my 5:00 student arrived, I noticed my husband was not yet home.  Oh well, I'm sure he'd be there for 5:15.  Well, at 5:30 I noticed my son was still not inside, my daughter had helped herself to a bowl of soup, because husband did not appear to be home yet either.  Well, by 5:55, he apparently showed up, got my daughter and headed out for swimming.

By the time my final student left, my insides were seething about as hot as what the soup was in the crock pot.  How dare they all be so ungrateful for the time I had spent on this soup.  None of them deserved this oh so delicious meal that I had prepared out of the goodness of my soul!  JUST FOR THEM. . . . . . Don't they know I work just as hard as the rest of them AND I made this soup!!!! (Can you see how poorly this was going??!?!?!)  Oh let me tell you, the fury was boiling!

Oh my poor son.  I hollered at him to get inside (RIGHT NOW!) and unleashed the fury that was inside.  Poor kid didn't know what hit him - I will be honest.  Why was he still outside?  Why was he in the back yard when he was supposed to be in the front?  Why had he not had supper?  Why was home reading not done?  WHY WHY WHY??????? And hurry up and eat the best soup I have ever made -  and you'd better LOVE IT!!!! . . . . . Poor husband came home and got the same treatment. (Well actually worse - I took the leftover soup and froze it!!!!!)

Suddenly, my bowl of best ever made soup, wasn't tasting so wonderful right now.  I went to my office (which ironically also serves as the prayer room) to cool down.  HOW DARE THEY not appreciate me and my wonderful soup???? As I let the steam cool down just a little, my eyes were directed to the words above my bulletin board. . . . Oh WHY does God have this amazing ability to not say anything verbally, but speak volumes?  As I looked up, I stared at the words that were written on the wall.  "be still and know that I am God".  AND not to be outdone, were more words I'd put up on the wall "Listen with compassion - Speak with grace".  WOW!  Talk about a slap in the face.  How is it that I know these words, I look at these words most every day, and yet, I can't live up to them?  How is it that in just a slip of the tongue, in the twist of my thoughts, I inflicted a world more of pain on the ones I love the most, than any of the "poor me thoughts" ever even felt.  Sure I was hurt, but nothing like the pain I had spewed forth.

Sadly, this is not the only time it's happened.  Sadly I have hurled words like they were poison. Sadly, these are episodes that fall off my tongue before I even have a moment to stop it.

Thankfully God has given me a husband and children who are filled with forgiveness.  Thankfully God has offered His forgiveness to me, and in turn I ask for it from my family.  But each time, I struggle with it.  How can someone who is supposed to be controlled by God, lose control in the blink of an eye?  How is it that I can be so sure I've put Christ as number one in my life, and yet, take it back in an instant and make myself number one.  How is it that without so much as a thought, I can hurt the people I love the most.  Not to mention how I mess up with God Himself?  How is it that my sinful nature seems to take over so much easier than my Godly nature?

I can say, that after episodes like yesterday, I struggle with feeling like a good Mom.  Like a good wife.  Like a good Christian.  I hang my head in shame.  I go to work in the mornings and think - why am I here?  Don't they know what an awful person she is?  I struggle.  I struggle with how God sees me.  I don't believe for a moment, He could love me.  And yet He does.  I don't believe for a moment, He could forgive me.  And yet He has!  Why?  Because of His love for me.

And what about today?  Well, today, I pull the covers off and say (yet again) "Okay Lord, today is yours!  Please help to take the ME out of my day."  I go into the day and try to start it new.  Try to start it fresh.  God has forgiven me.  Thankfully my family has forgiven me.  Thankfully I am blessed with forgiveness.  All around.  And so plug on.  I put one foot in front of the other and with each step caution my thoughts.  With each step, think about honoring God.  And with each step, I think about a God who sent His Son to die for my sins.  All of them.  Even the down right ugly ones that hurt the very ones I love.  Even the ones that will yet be made - because they are there.  And I trust that God knows my heart.  He knows my desires and I know His forgiveness is never ending. . . I beg Him to help me show that same love.  That same forgiveness.  That same blessing to those I come in contact with.  That when the times come where I am the one needing to offer the forgiveness, I will be ready with the same forgiveness that He (and my family) have blessed me with.  Truly truly I am a blessed girl - blow ups and all. . . .

Titus 3:4-6
4 But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, 5 he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, 6 whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior