I have a tween. . . . . .

Enough said.   I am sure.   For those of you who have gone through these wonderful, muddy 10 - 11 - 12 year old stages with your children, I am sure you understand.

I love my son.  I love him dearly.  He is our miracle that doctors told us would never happen.  He is our gift from God - Nathanael - his middle name - that's what it means GIVEN OF GOD!

But I have to be honest and some days I wonder.  I wonder what God was thinking!!  Is this a mean trick?  That precious bundle of baby boy joy. . . . where did he go? Don't get me wrong.  I'm not thinking of giving him back - well not most days anyway ;-)  But a gift from God is supposed to be easy right?  It's supposed to bring joy, not struggles.  Not arguments.  Not frustration.

So what to do?  What to do when I am faced with this son of mine whom I know not!!!  This little boy trying to come into his own.  Trying to navigate the waters of growing up.  What do I do with this little bundle of joy turned independent almost teenager?

Well, for the next two days, he stays home from school . . . with me.  Together we will try to figure out this crazy thing called growing up.  Together we will learn how to make better decisions.  Together we will read scripture in the hopes of God's Word speaking to Him rather than me ranting on and on.  Together we will meander these waters to figure out the path for this ever growing up bundle of baby boy joy.

And rather than reflect on the behaviours that keep him in my home these next two days, I will focus on the joys that he has brought me these past 11+ years.  Because in my heart of hearts, despite the anger, defiance, arrogant "know it all" attitude, he is my baby boy.  And I love him more than I did the day he was born.  he really is GIVEN OF GOD!!!

       

Mamma Bear Learns a Lesson. . . .

For those of you who know us personally, you know our family is so proud of the diversity of our family.  Keith and I are from two different provinces and two different cultural backgrounds, we have two children one of whom is adopted, one biological, etc.  We kind of like that we aren't the cookie cutter family.

Recently one of those things that makes us unique felt like it was being challenged.  For you moms out there, you know that when one of your children has been hurt - whether emotionally or physically, the momma bear claws come out and you want to protect your baby!  Well recently that happened to us.  Without giving you all the details, I just want to share with you what happened.

Our daughter who happens to have come to us by way of adoption (if you want, you can read about that journey here), recently felt her adoption story was being challenge.  Not whether she was adopted, just the value of the actual adoption itself and the place she had in our family.  She came away from a group conversation where an adult was speaking and made her feel like she didn't matter and that we only adopted her out of desperation to have a child.  She was hurt and deeply affected by the comments that were made.  So much so, that after the conversation, she came and talked to me about it.  For those of you who know our daughter, she tends to hold feelings close to her chest and so the very fact that she shared how she had been hurt showed me just how deep this had gone.

In the following days, she and Keith and I discussed the scenario.  We know that sometimes when we speak, things come out that are not intentionally hurtful.  Sometimes people say things that hurt us because of lack of education on the subject.  Sometimes people say things that they don't realize would even be a hurtful comment.  So having thought all these things through, I decided to address the issue with our daughter's blessing.

After praying about it, we decided to share our adoption journey with this person.  We wanted them to understand why the comments that were made (whether intentional or not - and we believe strongly they were not!) had hurt our daughter and made her feel awkward within her own surroundings - so much so, that she did not want to face this adult again.  Unfortunately, it was not well received by this person. In the course of the conversation that ensued, my intentions were challenged, my integrity was challenged, and my Christianity was challenged.  I was in tears and couldn't believe how a genuine desire to have this person understand our daughter's journey and the reason for her hurt had turned into this turmoil.  I was being attacked and it didn't feel good.  As I struggled through the emotions of having my intentions challenged, of being told this person had never said the things about adoption to our daughter, and of feeling like a failure for trying to have addressed the issue in the first place, I realized, that right at that moment, I had a choice.  I could stay hurt and angry.  I could forgive this person for the way my daughter was hurt and offended and for the way I had been hurt.  So many options for a response.  Ironically, just a few hours later we had our small group Bible Study and the topic of conversation was about how we as a Christian judge others and can cause hurt to others when our own lives are riddled with things we should be taking care of ourselves.

As I lay in bed last night rehashing the conversation I'd had with this person, I realized that the very thing this person had been doing to us was something I have long since struggled with.

Admitting. When. I've. Been. Wrong.

Ugh.  How I have struggled with this.  In our early years of marriage, I can tell you, I was never wrong.  Okay, so you all know that is DEFINITELY not true.  But truthfully? That is how I lived my life.  Every little problem was my husbands fault.  If I ever "reacted badly", I was only reacting to his load of mistakes and of course had full absolution of my behaviors! (said VERY much tongue in cheek!!!)  As we worked through our early years of marriage, I sensed a trend.  One I had long ago vowed I would never be like - I was incapable of saying that I was wrong.  I was incapable of saying "I'm sorry" with no strings attached - no "but" that would follow those words to justify my actions.  Just an admission that I had made a mistake.

As we grew in our marriage, I realized it was becoming more and more difficult to admit when I was wrong and the very person I vowed I would not be like - I had become.  First of all it was not how God had called me to respond to things.  And secondly, if I was supposed to be an example of who Jesus Christ was, I had failed miserably.  I was reminded of this last night.  I was reminded how Jesus was attacked, beaten, humiliated and yet He spoke not a word.  He didn't try to justify who He was.  He didn't try to stand up in His defense to clear His name.  What did He do?  He loved them.  So much so, that He died for those very insults that had been hurled at Him.  Can you imagine?  He was the God of all the universe.  He had never sinned.  Not once.  He was perfect.  He was GOD!  And yet, He continued.  He didn't judge.  He didn't wallow in the injustice of it all.  What did He do? He loved those people so much that He died on a cross for them.  He went to hell to cover those very sins that were committed against Him.

As I lay in bed I realized I really did have a fork in the road as far as how I would react to this situation.  I had a teachable moment to share with my daughter.  I could let this sit and fester in my heart causing who knows what kind of negative reactions, or I could be silent, and not judge this person and love them the way Jesus did His accusers.

Here are a few of the things in the video we watched last night that has cut through my thoughts like a knife, albeit a bit paraphrased from what we heard.  1.  When I judge someone, it's likely because it's the same thing I struggle with.  2.  How is their sin reflected in my life.  What does God see in me that I see in the other person?

As I reflected on those thoughts, I didn't like them at all.  They hit a little too close to home.  I wanted to nurse those hurts that I had felt a few hours earlier.  I wanted to nurse my daughter's hurts.  I wanted to assure her that it was all the other persons issues - not mine.  And yet, as I sat and thought about those two points, i couldn't help but realize 1. I did indeed struggle with the very issue I was seeing being portrayed to me by this person and 2. God looks at me and sees those very things in me as well.  I am not without fault.  It is true - what this person said to my daughter was incredibly hurtful.  And when addressed couldn't admit that perhaps there was some truth to how they had hurt her. But my reaction came yes, as a momma bear, but after our conversation yesterday, became about judging.  And why?  Truthfully because it is something I struggle with - to admit that I was wrong.  The very way that my daughter and I had been hurt by this person, was the very same issue I struggle with.  I didn't like it at all.  It was hurtful.  It was painful to be treated this way.  And I realized, that is what it feels like when I do that to my husband, my children, those around me.

And most of all, it's not what Jesus Christ exemplified to me.  When He was wrongly accused, beaten, humiliated. . . He didn't speak a word in His defense.  His response?  Loving them.  Dying for them.  What's my response?  Retaliation? Anger? Defiance? No, my response needs to be that of Jesus Christ.  Love.  Forgiveness.  Understanding.  Not belittling what happened to my daughter, but helping her too, to love - forgive - and understand.  It's not easy.  It most certainly isn't my first reaction.  But another ironic thing that happened yesterday even before I had to deal with this was a quote that I came across earlier in the day.

Rather than let this eat at me.  Rather than judge this person.  Rather than grow anger and bitterness in my heart - I need to get on my knees and pray for this person.  I have to say, it's really hard to bring someone before God and pray for them, and still feel angry.  (Its something I have tried to do when my husband and I have been in an argument.  WOW!  is that hard! Haven't always been successful, but it HAS curbed a lot of fits of anger!)

Jesus' was the prime example of this.  Despite everything the people did to Him, He loved them and He forgave them.  He is the example I want to follow.  He is who I need to be like.  I need to love like He did and I need to forgive like He did.

I am thankful for how God directs our paths.  I do not think it is coincidence that I came across the hurt quote from earlier.  I also don't think it was coincidence that our small group decided to go with the video about judging rather than the other option.  I also don't think it was coincidence that yesterday was the day that I ended up talking to this person about all of this.  I believe God had some things to show me.  I believe God had some things for me to learn.  And I KNOW I needed to change my attitude!  So thankful that God knows exactly what I need and provides it - even before I know it!

Now to do it. . .

Worship: What Does it mean to me?

Recently the concept of worship has been rolling around in my head.  What does worship mean? Who am I worshiping?  WHAT am I worshiping?  When I go to church are the words I am singing truly worship?  What do I need in order to worship?  All these questions have been rolling around in my head.  So I started on a search.


The meaning of worship has been written as this:  the feeling or expression of reverence and adoration for a deity

As I have listened to the songs being sung in churches, I have been struck by how often we are singing songs that we call worship songs and yet the predominant tone in the songs is actually about ourselves.  About us as humans.  Yes, God's name is being mentioned, but the focus is on me.  Don't get me wrong.  I believe there is a place for these songs.  However, when we are worshiping, our focus and attention should be completely on God. 

As I was thinking about worship, God directed my thoughts to the fact that worship isn't necessarily a time.  It is an attitude.  It is a state of mind.  And quite truthfully I should be striving to worship God at all times.  John 4:23/24 says this: 
The time is coming when we will no longer be concerned about whether to worship the Father here or in Jerusalem. For it’s not where we worship that counts, but how we worship—is our worship spiritual and real? Do we have the Holy Spirit’s help? For God is Spirit, and we must have his help to worship as we should. The Father wants this kind of worship from us. 

In another version it says we must worship God is spirit and in truth.  Two different aspects of our worship.  In must be a state of mind.  Our heart must be in tune with God.  We must be followers of Him.  We must worship Him in spirit.  And the second part is worshiping Him in truth.  Our worship must be rooted in the truth of God.  It must be found through the examination of Scriptures. Once we have immersed ourselves in getting to know who God is, it is then we find ourselves truly worshiping.  That's why when we sing songs about WHO God is, it is then we are worshiping.  When our focus is on ourselves, it takes the focus off of the One who we are worshiping. 

I believe there are times when we do need to focus on our lives.  To examine where we are at.  We must clean our slates and come clean before God and open up our hearts and minds to worship.  I have always appreciated when a worship team leads out with a call to worship.  An invitation to seek out the things that need to be changed in our hearts in order to come to the place where we can worship.  True worship.  Focusing on God.  Not on what we have done wrong.  Not what an awful person I am.  That is not focusing on God.  Focusing on God means looking at WHO HE IS!  Focusing on all those incredible attributes of God.  I have also appreciated when during a worship time, there has been a response after our time of worship.  Because quite honestly, when we are focusing on God and who He is, there can only be a response.  Of praise.  Adoration.  But also of a willingness to be more for Him.   I love when there are those three aspects of a time of worship.  i) the call to worship ii) the actual time of worship iii) and the response to our worship.  I think often I get stuck on the inward issues I have.  The things I want God to DO for me.  The ways I want to change.  Rather than just focusing my attention on WHO GOD IS.  

I have this "poster" in my Bible. 

I love how it cause me to focus on HIM and who He is rather than me.  When we focus on who God is rather than ourselves we can't help ourselves but worship Him.  Worshiping Him means expressing my adoration or reverence for Him.  It has nothing to do with who I am.  It has everything to do with who He is.  And if I am focusing on who He is, it leaves no room for thinking about me.  About focusing on myself.  What greater gift can we be given but the ability to focus on who God is.  I can only imagine what our worship will be like when we get to Heaven.  We will be in awe of our Savior.  Can you imagine the time of worship we'll have there?  It makes me so excited to think about that incredible choir we are going to be a part of!!!

Recently I was gifted a copy of Bethel Music's album "For the Sake of the World".  What an incredible work of worship.  I can't help but have my thoughts directed towards God as I listen to this.  There's no room for focusing on me. As I listen and meditate on the words, I am overcome with how amazing God is.  I am overcome with love for Him.  I cannot help but worship when the focus is on Him.

Join me as we draw our focus to Him.  I know it will strip away the thoughts of today as you allow your mind to focus on God.  Let's worship Him together!!!!

Mountaintop or Mole hill

 
You've all heard it:  You are making a mountain out of a molehill.    In other words, you are making a big deal about something that is really insignificant.

Let me take you back a few years.  When Keith & I were first married, we moved to wonderful Abbotsford, BC.  It was THE most beautiful place I have ever lived.  And truth be told, have always been a lot sad that God called us away from there.

Probably THE BEST thing we ever did (and we did it a few times) was to go down to Washington State and head up to Mount Baker.  To this day, my heart is still there.  We purchased a painting of Mt. Baker.  We have snow still from Mt. Baker.  (ok, it's water!) and a few years ago, when we had the chance, we took our children there. It was one place in our married "history" that we wanted to show to our children.

When we arrived at the base (it was in September), to our dismay we found that because of the huge snowfall the previous winter, we were not able to head up (by vehicle) as far as we had hoped.  As we sat at the bottom of the mountain, both our kids suggested we walk as far as we could.  As many of you know, my husband does not have full function of his legs.  However, as the trouper that he is, we decided we would go hiking as far as we

could.



I will admit. . . . I WAS MORE THAN HAPPY TO LOOK AT THE PEAK OF THE MOUNTAIN FROM THE NICE WARM COZY LODGE!!!  However, the group decided we would trek up the mountain "as far as we could go".  About half way up, my son, niece and I decided we'd had enough.  We were tired, the air was thin and the bottom looked far enough away from us, that we didn't want to go any further.
 BUT, Taylor (the then "non-athletic" daughter and my husband "the handicapped guy" decided they wanted to continue on.

And wouldn't you know it they made it to the top!!!!!  From half way up the mountain, I couldn't believe that the two LEAST expected candidates had actually made it to the plateau!!!!  They had gotten to the top of the mountain.  (Okay - it was Table Mtn, not Mt. Baker but STILL!!!!!!)

Today, however, I was reminded about a different mountain top experience. . . .   Let me explain.

Recently, as a family, we have decided to do "home church".  We are still members with our church and involved with our church, but as a family have decided to go deeper.  To learn more.  To try to IMAGINE all that God has for us as a family.

So today, after Sunday School and lunch, we listened to a Francis Chan video talking about our personal relationship with God.  It is something I have struggled with especially as I watch my children grow up.  Keith & I were raised in homes that taught the scriptures, memorized them and knew pretty much every Bible story there ever was.  As my children grow up, I am realizing that some of the very "basic" stories that Keith & I knew, our children haven't even heard of!!!!  They know the "concept" of the Bible and a relationship with God, but they have never EXPERIENCED it.

As we watched the video today, there was a comment that slapped me in the face:  PEOPLE ARE HAPPY TO MEET WITH MOSES AT THE BASE OF THE MOUNTAIN RATHER THAN GOING UP THE MOUNTAIN TO MEET WITH GOD.   As I listened to him speak, I saw a mirror image of what my children are learning, and unfortunately, I am the one teaching them these concepts!!!!  I don't WANT to be okay with being at the bottom of the mountain, but I am SHOWING them that the bottom of the mountain is okay!!!!

I realized that I'm looking for things. . . people. . . .times. . . moments. . . that recharge my spiritual walk. . . . RATHER THAN going to the mountain and spending time with Him.  When is the last time I spent one on one time for a length of time with my God. . . . the very being that gave His Son to die, so I could live???  Did He send Jesus so that I could sit around at the bottom of the mountain?????  NO NOT A CHANCE!!!!!  He sent Jesus so that i would journey UP THE MOUNTAIN to meet Him.

As I thought about that concept, I was reminded of our holiday up to Mt. Baker.  Keith and Taylor were willing to go further.  They were willing to do the work.  They were willing to fight and toil to get to the top of the mountain.  And the view they saw?????  Well, let's just say it's one I didn't see that day.  I saw other hills.  I saw other valleys.  But I did NOT see the tops of those hills and mountains.  I did not make it to THE TOP!!!!  I did not want to push on.  I didn't want to make the difficult decisions. I didn't want the tiny path.  I wanted the easy way.  And when the path got tiny.  When it got rocky and difficult. . . . when I had to climb ladders and treacherous steps????  I didn't want to do it.

BUT. . . . let me tell you. . .. when Keith & Taylor came back down to the base of the mountain. . . . there was a glow.  (OK - not the Moses glow - but a glow!!!!)  They were so proud that they had persevered.  But even more, they just couldn't stop talking about how glorious the view had been.  Taylor had been on top of the world.  She had accomplished an incredible goal -  -  - and she had taken her father with her.  Keith, disability and all, had scaled the mountain and had been able to see the glory of the scenery below.  The rest of us couldn't.  We had not gone the lengths it took to see it.  We had wanted to DRIVE to the top.  And when we couldn't, we bailed.

The image of God as I recalled that time and the image Francis Chan brought up today about Moses was not lost on me.  I know I bailed on going to the top of the mountain there in Washington.

However. . . . today. . . I have a choice.  Am I going to settle for looking up the mountain and thinking about how great it would be?  Am I going to settle for the stories that others tell me about the wondrous encounters they have had at the top of the mountain?  Am I going to commit to making the journey up the mountain despite the difficult paths that might come my way?  I guess the biggest question I need to ask myself is:  DO I WANT MORE????

Taylor & Keith made it to the top of that flat mountain - TABLE MOUNTAIN!!!!!  SO PROUD OF THEM!!!!!!

I know my mantra for this year is IMAGINE.  Am I really doing that?  Because if I am content at the bottom of the mountain, I am not imagining at all.  I am CONTENT.  I AM COMFORTABLE.  I need to grow.  I need to be more.  I need to IMAGINE all God has for me, and I cannot do that at the bottom of the mountain.  I need to meet Him at the top.  I need to meet Him!!!! I need to SEEK HIM and Scriptures tell me, I WILL FIND HIM!!!!  But I cannot rest in the present.  I need to be seeking more.  I need to be climbing the mountain.  I NEED TO GET TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN WHERE HE IS!!!!!

(To listen to Francis Chan's video - please feel free to click here)

When it's hard to imagine

As I've looked back at the past 6 weeks since the new year turned, I think about the "label" that I gave 2015.  Imagine. 

But I have to admit.  It's been hard to "imagine" these past 6 weeks.  Its been hard to think past the walls of my mind.  I've been struggling.  To get rid of the blackness.  To be rid of the winter and ice that clings to the walls of my heart.  And each day that passes, it gets more and more difficult to try to imagine.

There ARE light days.  There are days when the sun is able to peak in.  But many days its dark.  Many days the difficulties get the best of me.  Many days, the old nature takes over and I lie in the darkness thinking "I cannot imagine in this darkness. I cannot open my eyes to what might be." 

Imagining can be difficult.  You see imagining means opening my heart to the possibilities.  And opening my heart risks being hurt.  Imagining means opening my mind to other things.  And I am scared.  I am scared of becoming vulnerable and finding myself in a darker spot than the past.  I am scared of allowing myself to feel. . . to hope. . . to imagine.

But it's when I hang on to the those old dark places, that the imagining gets crushed down.  The darkness that surrounds my thoughts make it hard to imagine.  But what is imagining?  Is it holding on to something tangible?  No.  It's thinking about something that isn't.  It's hoping for something that you can't yet see.  Imagining CAN be done in the dark.  Imagining CAN be done when my heart is in a dark place.  I just have to imagine.  I just have to push away the darkness even for a minute and open my mind to the possibilities.  I just have to open the door, just a crack to let the sun start to peak in.  To let it warm the dark spots. Let it warm the icy grip that the past has on my heart and to let it start to warm even the smallest spots. 

And the days when the darkness isn't so overwhelming? Allow the sun to illuminate the joys that life brings.  Let it begin to warm my heart into a glowing ember of joy.  Of thanksgiving.  and imagine all the things that could be.

I can imagine in the dark.  And I can put my hope in the LIGHT!

Answering God's call (updated video included)

So I have had a decision placed in front of me.

I will place my response on this platform.   Please listen to this video and see what God is calling you to.

http://live.passionconferences.com/atl2-session-5/   (This was only recorded today, so it is not yet on youtube but please copy and paste into your browser to hear an incredibly powerful message from Christine Caine!!!!)


Please copy and listen to it to understand a little of my journey.


My answer is YES Lord. . . . I have decided to do the work God has called me to do.

This is the new link.  It's about an hour, but well worth it!!!! PTL!!!

(Christmas) 2014 = = = = = wiped out

So yesterday I got a call from my mom in Ontario.  She informed me she was WELL on her way to cleaning up all the decorations from the past holiday season. (Ok, truth be told I was pretty jealous!!!)  About a week ago, my son got an email from my Dad sharing that he had put away all the outside Christmas lights and the house was "back to normal".  (obviously, they don't have little ones begging, pleading, whining to keep the lights and glitz of the season glowing!!!  :-)  )

So, (with a renewed energy from my mom's motivation) after the phone call yesterday, in a fervor, when my husband had taken the kids to the pool, I madly dashed around our home, dismantling "christmas".  (You'll notice it is WITHOUT a uppercase C - because these window dressings are NOT Christmas!!!!)  I tore down the garlands, took off the shelf decorations, removed the wall decor, took down the lights (BELIEVE ME = the tree was already removed to the end of our driveway by the 28th of December!!!!) and as I scoured the walls, shelves and tables, I stood in the middle of the kitchen proud as a peacock, that I had dismantled christmas before the kids were able to come home and complain!!!!

Sure, it was all sitting down in the basement in a heap.  But upstairs?!?!!?!  There was no sign that christmas had ever happened at our house.  (And BOY OH BOY - if Keith turned on the outside lights. . . . . .not a good scene!  ;-)  )  And so, in my proud moment, I continue to pack away the remnants of the past 8 weeks.  The twinkling lights.  The sparkly garlands.  The shiny balls.  The decorative ornaments.  All. . .  packed. . . away.  Back into the darkest recesses of our basement.

And with the beads of sweat still trickling down the sides of my hairline, the truck rolled in and I quickly placed myself in front of the TV to see if anyone would notice the transition.  (You see, when I put UP the decorations, my son hadn't even opened the door and he noticed the joy and sparkle and shine of the decorations. He couldn't contain himself and was quick to announce to everyone - ITS CHRISTMAS!!!!) 

Yesterday however, it took about an hour before he commented, "Mom, why did you take down the garland around the door?". . . . . and with a sudden start, came the realization that all the holiday decorations had been removed.  But, it took my kids to tell their dad (about 4 or 5 hours later!!!!) that the decor was removed, to which he commented, "Oh ya, I guess it just looks like normal."

So all that to say. . . . . . .

What do people see in us?  When we are on the mountain top, it's easy to exude joy.  To radiate God's love and endurance.  What about when we are in the valley?  Do we quickly strip away the "decorations" and "show" people that God has "abandoned us?"  Despite the dark moments, are we still able to sing God's praises? 

Please don't misunderstand me.  I don't mean that we have to be all smiles when dark times come our ways. God gets that these are tough times!!!!  But are we still able to direct the sparkle and shine of God's love towards Him?  Are others still seeing the outwards signs that "God is in us"?  We can be sad.  We can be lonely.  We can be hurt.  We can be broken.  But we can STILL direct our praise and gratitude towards Him - the one who made us.

As Christians, we don't want to ever take down the "trimmings" of what God has done for us.  We may be fighting difficult battles, but does our heart reflect what God has done for us?  When I am going through a dark time in my battles, do I try to focus on the positives rather than the negatives?

From September to December, I went on a 100 day journey of praise.  It was so easy to say "my day stunk, but I am thankful it wasn't as stinky as other days."  Okay so not those words, but it was easy to draw negativity into what was supposed to be gratitude!!!  "I am as sick as a dog, but thankfully I am still alive."  Do you see what I mean?  It doesn't seem like drawing glory to God!!!  It doesn't  seem like we are drawing attention to the wonderful things that God has done for us.  Because THERE ARE SO MANY!!!!

As I have taken down the trimmings of our holiday, I have become acutely aware, that I do not want the glitz and glamor of a life lived for God to go away, just because we aren't celebrating His birthday.  I want EVERY DAY to be a day that we showcase the God that sent His Son to die for us.  Let's not get bogged down by the mundane things of every day.  Let's IMAGINE all the amazing things that He has yet to do through/for/with us.  Just because the decorations are gone, it doesn't mean the joy has to be gone. 

The joy is not in the trimmings.  It's what is in your heart!!!!!!!!  Is your heart full for God?  Then share it!!!!  Let's not strip down the decorations that we put up in 2014.  Let's add to them.  Let's share with others the joy of 2014 and encourage them to see all that God has prepared for us this year in 2015.  It's a good year.  It's a new year.  It's a year of God's continued  GRACE. . . . FAITHFULNESS. . . . FORGIVENESS. . . JOYFULNESS!!!! 

It's a good year.  Let's make sure others know it's because of God's great love for us!!!!

GOD IS GOOD!!!! 

~ i. m. a. g. i. n. e. ~

First of all - Happy New Year!  I trust you were able to bring in the New Year with joy and celebration.

Don't you love "do overs"?  Oh how I have often needed a do over in my life. 

I love to look at a new year as a "do over".  A fresh start.  A new adventure.  And I guess that's where the whole concept of New Year's resolutions come into play.  Do you make New Year's resolutions? I can't say they are a bad idea, but so often I have made these promises to myself because of the fact that we have a new year and with it new opportunities. 

However, I know for myself, more often than not, I have failed - and usually miserably - at those resolutions.  I think somehow when i get to that new Year, I think that magically, I am going to possess some new power that will enable me to meet this new challenge and that because of the new set of numbers on the calendar, I will somehow be able to conquer this challenge because of the new numbers.

Alas, I fail.  I have failed.  So for me, I have often started a new adventure BEFORE the new year.  I guess for me, I need to think about my resolution.  I need to make it at a time when there is no pressure.  I need to go into my new idea having given it a lot of thought.  So for me New Years isn't about new ideas or new adventures.  It's about continuing on in the strong resolutions I made the past year and trying to make them better.  Trying to do better with the things I started working on the previous year.

However, what I do like to do is give my year a name.  A label.  An "umbrella thought". And so for the past few months, I have thought and prayed about what 2015 would be for me.  In 2013, my goal was PRAYER.  It was something that God really impressed on my heart to do more of.  And through that year and this past, it has been something I have been privileged to do more of.  Coming to the Throne of God is such an honor and privilege and it has really been a source of comfort and strength to know that God has provided this way for me to talk to Him - DIRECTLY TO HIM!  Wow. . . . even typing that overwhelms me!

Last year the label I put on 2014 was BE MORE.  And in some cases, it was truthfully a be less comment!  Be more caring.  Be more thoughtful.  Be more patient etc.  As you can see that really encompassed a lot of things, but probably the biggest thing for me was be more open to what God wants of/for me.  It has been a year of growth.  One that I have seen God's hand work in so many different ways.  A year that I have felt His presence probably more intimately than ever before.  It has been a year that I have felt more in tune with Him than I ever have, yet more aware of how far I am from where I should be in my relationship with Him.  But definitely a year where I have felt more in love with Him than I ever have.

So, as I thought about what my "label" would be for this year, I thought about the past several years and the journey God has taken me on.  And I think in the past, I have always limited God in my own mind.  I either have not been open to where He would take me, or have not truly believed He could do the things He says He could and would.  I have contemplated Heaven more in the last few months than I have in a long time.  I have imagined what it will be like to sit in front of our Lord and Saviour and sing praises to Him. 

So this year, I have decided to label my year "Imagine".  Imagine all that God wants from me.  Imagine all the things God is going to accomplish through me.  Imagine the relationship that I am going to have with Him.  Imagine. . . Imagine. . . . Imagine. . . . all that He has in store for me this year.  I am excited about this label.  I am excited for all that He is going to bring me this year.  Good, difficult, stretching.  I am excited for it.  Because I know this to be true:  that whatever God brings my way, He will be walking beside me each and every step! He will be there!!!!  I know it doesn't make this an easy year necessarily.  But I know it is going to be one of growth and closer intimacy with Him.

In the book, Oh, the Places You'll Go by Dr. Seuss, I love the following statement:

I do have to say the book puts a lot of emphasis on doing things on your own - under your own steam - and that's not what I'm advocating!!!  But I love this concept of looking big.  Looking for the amazing things ahead that God has for me. 

So as I start out my days in 2015, I can only imagine the things God has planned for me.  I can only get excited for the places He will take me.  It IS scary to think of what some of those places might be, but truly, I am excited.  I am fully confident that He is going to help me BE MORE this year as well.  I can only IMAGINE the things, people, places, situations that He is going to place in my path this year to help me be more of a follower for Him.

Join me won't you?  In imagining all that God has in store for us.  It's a great day to IMAGINE!!!!!

Wednesday's Weigh in #4

Wednesday. . . . it comes around every week. . . and each Wednesday, I have the time to look back and reflect on my week.  The good, the bad and the ugly.  Where I've been, where I should have been, and where I desperately need to be.

They are good days - Wednesdays.  Days that I can see the positive week past, yet start over to renew my resolve to do better on the things that went badly.  For me here in my home, Wednesdays are a day of calm.  No teaching until later in the day.  Generally a day to do and plan as I please.  That's not to say they aren't full, but generally a stress free day.

But as i look back, I am so easily taken with the failures.  I so easily see the miss - steps.  The miss-takes.  The miss-erable failures.  And believe me, it's easy to do that.  In some respects, it's easier to do that than it is to focus on the good things that happened.  Why is it easier to believe Satan's lies than it is to believe the truth of God?  I guess that is our fallen nature.  That is what happens when our ears aren't tuned to God.  It happens when we allow ourselves to be lured by the serpent.  It happens when we focus on ourselves, instead of our creator.

Today I dreaded stepping on the scale and weighing in.  My week - was dreadful.  Mistakes made.  Harsh words spoken.  Unforgiving heart.  Walls built back up. 

As for my physical journey, well that too seemed to falter badly.  Exercise got put off one too many days.  Too many sweets needing to be baked. . . . and ultimately sampled.  Too many unhealthy choices over the course of the week.  I disappointed myself.  I let my guard down.  I gave in to the temptations around me.

So, today.  With another clean Wednesday slate, I sit here and have a choice to make.  Do I let the disappointments from last week, weigh me down and stain the future of this week?  Or am I going to take hold of this clean start and forge ahead with new resolve to do better this week?  A choice so seemingly easy, yet difficult.  Truth or lies?  What am I going to believe? 

Why does it always seem to be a difficult thing to focus on the positive? On God's truth?  Why do I keep focusing inward instead of upward to Him?  Oh, if I could only learn that lesson.  If only I could see me how HE sees me.  How He MADE me!!!

And yet, as I stepped on the scale today, I could hardly believe my eyes.  With all the failures of the previous week, with all the emotional struggles I'd battled with, it was as though God was telling me, you need to focus on the truth.  Not lies.  Focus on ME, not the deceiver.  See?  While he is getting you to focus on the negative, I am the Positive.  I am the Truth.  And with all the negativity, with all the lies that Satan tried to throw my way - there it was.  The truth.  Despite my week of "failures", I had shed another two pounds.  (Believe me!  I got off the scale several times to make sure there was not something wrong!!)  It was as if God was telling me, "See?  It is all just lies.  You are not a failure.  Focus on me.  I am the Truth." 

Psalm 139 (The Message)


God, investigate my life;
    get all the facts firsthand.
I’m an open book to you;
    even from a distance, you know what I’m thinking.
You know when I leave and when I get back;
    I’m never out of your sight.
You know everything I’m going to say
    before I start the first sentence.
I look behind me and you’re there,
    then up ahead and you’re there, too—
    your reassuring presence, coming and going.
This is too much, too wonderful—
    I can’t take it all in!

^7-12 Is there anyplace I can go to avoid your Spirit?
    to be out of your sight?
If I climb to the sky, you’re there!
    If I go underground, you’re there!
If I flew on morning’s wings
    to the far western horizon,
You’d find me in a minute—
    you’re already there waiting!
Then I said to myself, “Oh, he even sees me in the dark!
    At night I’m immersed in the light!”
It’s a fact: darkness isn’t dark to you;
    night and day, darkness and light, they’re all the same to you.

^13-16 Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
    you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
    Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
    I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
    you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
    how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
    all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
    before I’d even lived one day.

^17-22 Your thoughts—how rare, how beautiful!
    God, I’ll never comprehend them!
I couldn’t even begin to count them—
    any more than I could count the sand of the sea.
Oh, let me rise in the morning and live always with you!
    And please, God, do away with wickedness for good!
And you murderers—out of here!—
    all the men and women who belittle you, God,
    infatuated with cheap god-imitations.
See how I hate those who hate you, God,
    see how I loathe all this godless arrogance;
I hate it with pure, unadulterated hatred.
    Your enemies are my enemies!

^23-24 Investigate my life, O God,
    find out everything about me;
Cross-examine and test me,
    get a clear picture of what I’m about;
See for yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong—
    then guide me on the road to eternal life.

Wednesday Weigh In #3

As I lay in bed this morning, I dreaded getting up, knowing today was my weigh in. I've taken to only getting on the scale once a week and so I knew today was the day. I was feeling much like this above image.  Surely it is going to take Keith, Taylor & Peyton to get me off the ground.  I am never going to get healthy.  It's just not possible.   And yet, those were lies Satan was telling me, because in fact this week had gone fairly well. 

The week had gone remarkably well in the exercise department.  I actually feel like I can get on the treadmill without feeling like I am going to collapse after 10 minutes!!!  I've been able to increase my speed and this morning, I was even able to run (6mph) for 6 minutes out of my 20 that I worked.  I was impressed with myself.  Total this week, I was on the treadmill 4 times, with 2 times being for 1/2 an hour.  Now, I know for some of you, that doesn't sound like much, but for me, any day I am up and exercising is that many more minutes than I have done in the last year. 

My daughter asked me why I didn't just wait until January and make a new resolution to eat healthier and be healthier and I laughed at her and my comment was : BEEN THERE DONE THAT.  But generally by February (okay, let's be truthful - Jan. 15!!!) that resolution has hit the toilet and is long gone!!!  This time, I feel it has been different.  It is more about my spiritual journey than anything, to be quite honest.

I am excited that I am taking this body that God has given to me and treating it with respect.  I love watching what I am eating.  So often in the past, I just ate - giving no attention to what or how much I was putting in my body.  Now, as I track my daily progress with My Fitness Pal it helps me to stay accountable with everything.  Whatever goes into my body, I track the nutritional value.  If there's no room for extra calories after supper? Well, then there's water for a snack.  But if I have an extra hundred or so calories that can be consumed, or extra protein, carbs etc. I can see what kind of a snack I can have after supper.  It's true:  I'm a nutritional information junkie.  And I LOVE that my kids are starting to read it too.  The other day, Peyton picked up his box of Chocolate Cheeries, and just about fell off his stool.  "Mom do you KNOW how much sugar there is in here?!?!? "  (Um yes son I do!!!LOL) "Well, at least there's lots of healthy vitamins in it.  That kind of cancels out the sugar right?!?!?"  Well, not so much.  But at least he's looking!!!!

One of my goals through all of this is to be able to get back to being able to do 4 miles of running.  Years ago I was up to being able to do that, but I was also about 30 pounds lighter.  I don't have unrealistic goals either.  I'm not really setting a time frame for myself, but it would be really cool to be able to do that by spring.  If not, that's okay.  The truth is, that my main goal is just to eat healthier and be more active.  If that translates into weight loss and me being more fit, I am all about that.

When I was young, okay into my 30's (that's young to me now!!!) my mom would tell me - just wait till you are 40. You won't be as thin as you are now! I thought it would never happen.  I could never be overweight to the point of needing to lose 30 pounds.  But as I've watch myself change over the last 3 or 4 years, I've realized I am there. 

HOWEVER, I am resolved, to not let myself stay there.  I WANT to be healthy.  I WANT to be around for when my kids grow up and get married.  If there's grand babies, I want to be able to be healthy enough to play and run with them.  I may be old and grey when that happens(because THAT had better not happen too soon!!  LOL), but at least I will be healthy and can be outside playing.  I am not going to give in to the stigma that just because I am 40+ there is nothing I can do about it.  Yes, things change when you are this age.  But it just means I have to pick up and work harder.

One little side/spiritual note that has come along with walking on the treadmill is that I have found it to be a wonderful time with God.  No one else is in the house and it is just my time that I am able to talk openly to God and share my heart.  Crazy as this sounds, I look forward to these mornings, when I can go downstairs first thing after the house is quiet and spend that time with God.  The steady pace of my feet often help me to pray and focus. Where as other times when I am somewhere else, I am too easily distracted.  I love it and look forward to going down to "walk with God". 

One other thing that I have been struggling with is trust issues.  If you read my God Knows blog, you know that I have been struggling with some tough emotions.  This week as I have prayed, I have struggled to "trust" God.  This has started a couple of weeks ago, but continues with the thoughts of "I know God CAN, but WILL He?"  And so as I shared my heart, I am on a journey to try and trust God with these intimate emotions.  Sometimes all it takes is to share those things that are so tied close to our hearts, with the One who already knows where we are at.  He knows, but He just wants to hear us share them with Him.  I do have to admit, yesterday after I had spent some time crying out to God and sharing my heart, it did feel better.  Had anything changed?  No, and maybe even got worse.  However, it was such a relief to know that God had heard me and HE was in charge.  Not me.  Yes I needed to do my part, but God will do the rest.  And so I have tried to leave it with Him.

And as I write about that, I was reminded of my "issues" last week - an attitude issue.  I am happy to report that while it isn't perfect, God has been gracious and things have been better.  Not with out their fall down flat on my face moments, but still it is better.  Every day, I am consciously trying to do something tangible that overcomes this attitude.  It's working.  God has been gracious and for the moment those walls are coming down. I praise God for that.  I know I can't let my guard down.  Because if it was a problem before, I know Satan will try to use it against me again.  That's the sneakiness of Satan.  BUT My God is greater than him, and with God's help, I will continue to gain victory over these areas of my life that need HIS touch!!

So I leave you with this today.  God can do anything!!!  He loves you.  He wants the best for you.  And while we (OFTEN) don't understand His ways, He loves us and is growing us into His image!!!

Blessings on you today and through this week as you strive to serve Him and bring Him joy in all you do.  Let HIS light shine through your life!!!

God knows!!!

As I sat staring out the window, trying to figure out the feelings that were rumbling around in my heart and head, I started to feel very alone.  These were things I really couldn't share with anyone.  Feelings that came from deep inside.  Feelings that, if voiced, would be judged.  Would maybe even be condemned.  It felt like there was no one who could understand the agony of emotions curled up in a tiny ball, and imbedded in my very being.  No one would get it. 

As I stared at the tall lonely pines in our back yard, the feeling of isolation, sadness, loneliness settled in.  I didn't want it to take root there.  But who would understand?  IF I even dared voice my feelings, who would even understand the anxious thoughts that lay there, taunting me?

So I prayed.  I prayed that God would take the tangled mess of emotions and hold them.  Heal them.  I unleashed the emotions I was scared to vocalize to others - to God.  He knew them before they left my lips, but I emptied my heart to Him.  As I lay my fears, my agonies before Him, a chickadee landed on the railing of the deck.  The feeder was empty.  Nothing left.  As I watched it disappear into the pine trees, I happened to see it sitting on an outer branch cracking something.  A seed. Where had it come from?  Certainly not the empty bird feeder.  Perhaps a stash of seeds left by a hungry squirrel.  But that chickadee had it's food.

And as I thought about the little scenario played out, I was reminded of the verse in Matthew. 

Matthew 6:25, 26 (MSG) “If you decide for God, living a life of God-worship, it follows that you don’t fuss about what’s on the table at mealtimes or whether the clothes in your closet are in fashion. There is far more to your life than the food you put in your stomach, more to your outer appearance than the clothes you hang on your body. Look at the birds, free and unfettered, not tied down to a job description, careless in the care of God. And you count far more to him than birds.

 

I count, far more to God, than even those tiny little birds!!! There is nothing that I can struggle through that God doesn't care about.  There is no hurt, no ache, no burden that God doesn't see.  He notices them all.  He cares for them all.  He understands, no matter how crazy I think my emotions are.  He gets it.  He knows.

 

Psalm  56:8 reads: You’ve kept track of my every toss and turn through the sleepless nights, Each tear entered in your ledger, each ache written in your book.

It is so comforting that, even when I can't make sense of the struggles I'm feeling, God knows.  He gets it.  And I can always always go to Him, because He loves me.  He cares for me.  He aches for me.  

 

 We all know the verse: Cast all your cares on Him (God) because He cares for you.  Not an easy verse to conquer, but a comfort none the less. God cares for us.  And He wants to hear our aches.  He wants to have us unload those burdens on Him.

 

So remember with me today, won't you?  God knows.  And He cares.  He's waiting to wrap His loving arms around us and comfort us.  And say, "I get it!!  I know your pain.  Remember, I am right there with you!!!" 

 

Wednesday Weigh In

Wow.  I can hardly believe we are at another Wednesday!  Sometimes I really have to wonder where the days go.  It seems that one week just melts into another and here we are four days away from December!?!?! 

As I've been thinking about how fast life seems to be passing, I have really started wondering what I am doing with it!  I have these ideas of what I would like to do.  Sometimes it's during that day.  Sometimes it's in a week or two.  Sometimes it's a bucket list kind of thing, but recently I've been reminded how quickly time is passing.  And each day that passes is one I'm never getting back.  The things I didn't do that day, have one less opportunity to get done. 

My kids are growing up so quickly.  I've started to realize that my baby is no longer my baby.  And I need to get a grip on that.  We've been struggling through the issue of responsibility.  My daughter has always been way more responsible than my son - maybe it's a boy girl thing I don't know.  However, I am realizing that it is in part due to how my husband and I treat him.  We have not taught him responsibility.  We don't want him to feel the sting of a consequence and so we "help" him out.  We make it so that he doesn't really feel the consequence - thus producing a child who doesn't know how to be responsible.  Case in point: My children both have agendas from their school.  Each day they are to bring them home for the parents to look at and sign.  In my son's class, if they have it signed 3 days in a week, they get "Fun Friday" which is a free time class that they can do as they please (within reason of course!)  Yesterday my son came home and was in a panic by about 5 o'clock.  He didn't have his agenda for us to sign, and he hadn't brought it home on Monday either.  My first reaction was to send my husband to the school to see if they could find it. "Thankfully" he was not yet home (I was teaching and couldn't go) and he didn't arrive home until 6 pm or so, when the classrooms would be closed.  My next thought was to write his teacher a letter explaining that Peyton had forgotten, and making excuses etc.  After taking some time to think about this I realized we were just making excuses for him and trying to fix something that actually required consequences!  If he missed a class time of fun, surely it would not scar him for life.  So this morning we told him, that he would be facing the consequences this time and we would not be fixing it for him.  (Let me tell you, it makes a Momma's heart break when you see those tears stream down his face. But I KNOW in the end, he will learn his lesson). Each day I "baby" him, is one less day that he has to learn responsibility.  I know it's better for him to learn responsibility sooner than later!!

As I've thought about the passing of time, I've started to wonder what I am doing with each day.  How I am making each day count - in my life, in my family's life, in my walk with God etc.  It has really challenged me to take a step back and look - really look into what I am doing with my days here on earth. 

And so with those thoughts in mind this week, my Wednesday weigh in is more about my heart than my health. I have started to ask God to show me the areas in my life that need changing. Rearranging.  It is terrible.  Awful.  You know - those things that you KNOW need it, but now God just keeps dangling them in my face.  The afternoon that I was wrestling with some of this, there was one specific thought, rather attitude, that kept nagging at me.  Start here.  Start with this one.  This is the one that if you truly want to change, needs to change first.

I have to tell you, I am still struggling with it.  It has a tight grip on my heart.  It's something, I don't want to break.  I don't want to give up.  I want to hang on to it because it gives me a certain amount of power.  A certain amount of control. That I like. That makes me feel like I am in charge.  But I know it's something that God is calling me out on.  And so while changes have not come too easily, I continue to pray that God will help me WANT to change.  That He would change my heart first so that I can surrender that stronghold to Him.  That attitude that is quite truthfully rooted in sin needs to be loosed.  I'm not quite sure how to do that because it has such a grip on my heart.  However, as I've been praying about it this morning, I feel God telling me this:  do ONE THING today to change that attitude.  Don't just pray.  Take the first step.  Do something small that will start to kick out the stronghold of that attitude.  And each day, take another step.  Regardless of how tiny it is.  But CONSCIOUSLY each day, do something specific that deals with that attitude.

So today, that's my weigh in.  And I'll come back to you next week with a response as to how it has gone.  My gut reaction is to think "Well, it likely won't amount to much" but I know if I think negatively, it will get negative results.  So I promise, I will share with you how well I've done this week!  ;-)

As for my health challenge, this week has been a fairly good week.  I've been on the treadmill 3 times this week.  My goal is 4 times each week, but seeing as this is my 2nd week doing this, I'm happy with 3.  My son keeps me motivated to do squats, so I've been able to do them 5 times this week - and I'm still able to stand!  HA HA!  For the most part we've eaten healthy.  My portion sizes are staying down, and while I've had a few "give ins" (especially on the weekend - I find that the most difficult!) I am proud of how I have stayed the course so far.  This week, I didn't have any weight loss, but I did lose an inch in my waist and that excites me!!!  And the other thing, I find I'm actually enjoying walking on the treadmill!  Go figure!  But what it also does is motivate me to watch what I'm putting into my body. If I am going to work so hard to be on the treadmill, I surely don't want to mess it up by eating things that are going to hinder all that hard work!!!

So that's my week - past, and what I hope to do in the future. 

Trusting you had a good week as well!!!  One last little tidbit I thought I'd share is this.  I was listening to Christine Caine's podcast on CHANGE this past week and got some really great thoughts, one of which I'd like to share with you.  "We cannot go out and change the world if we have not changed on the inside.  "Love the Lord your God with all YOUR HEART"  Change has to start with the heart.  It comes from the inside out.  You reproduce who you are not what you want."  So I am asking God to change me from the inside first.  Another of her comments was this:  "The more I allow God to change me, the more God can use me."  WOW!  It's scary, but I want that.  I want that for you too!

If you are interested in listening to Christine's podcast about CHANGE, you can find it here : Christine Caine  The Change message is from November 17, 2014.


Blessings on you as you seek God's direction in YOUR life!!!!