As I sit staring into the empty computer screen, my reflection screams back at me with words already swirled around in my head but unspoken.
You have failed yet again. You do not deserve all the gifts God lavishes on you. You do not deserve to be loved by your children, your husband. Let alone God! You make mistake after mistake and never seem to learn. You hurl angry words at your child all because a basketball bounced into your pot of flowers. You sit in silence and don't speak words because your husband didn't understand what you didn't say. You start a day with frustration and anger and send your most loved ones out the door feeling like they just want to rush out of the door to get away from the awfulness of their day so far. What kind of a mother ARE you? What kind of a wife are you??? You do not deserve love. You do not deserve forgiveness. YOU ARE A FAILURE!
Those are the words that the reflection in my computer was shouting back at me. Why do you expect to receive forgiveness or grace or any other good thing when there is nothing about you that is good????Mired in shame and guilt, I bowed my head and wept. And as I poured my heart out to God, I knew those answers. I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve any of the God things that I have received. BUT, because of God's grace and forgiveness He has given me many precious gifts. God knows my heart. God knows that I have and will continue to make mistakes. Big ones. Seemingly unforgivable ones. But God forgives. God has promised His forgiveness to me. God has promised to love me unconditionally. Any good thing I have comes from Him and it is because of His love for me, that I have any good thing at all.
So as I proceed through my day, I will claim God's grace. For each mistake I make, I will claim God's forgiveness and grace. And I will strive to do the same for others. I will ask for and offer my forgiveness to others. And above all, I will praise God for His goodness. I am not a failure. I
Sharon, last night our writers' group met after being off all summer. We shared what was going on in our lives and then did a couple of writing exercises: we would pull a piece of paper out of an envelope that has writing prompts on it, and write for 10 minutes on whatever subject was on that paper. The prompt we did last night was "computer screen." So when I read the first words of your post I felt like you had been there with us, doing your writing exercise as part of our group! Wouldn't that be neat.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you mean about those feelings of unworthiness. I love your words, "I fail, but I am not a failure." It's so good to know God loves and forgives and pours out His grace on us each day, no matter what -- and that it doesn't depend on our performance. There's nothing we can do to make Him love us more, and there's nothing we can do to make Him love us less. (As cliches go, that's one of my favourites!)